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Who are you and why are you on here? Please don't comment on my posts again.
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im gonna - right now ..
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do like the d*mned amish -- party like its 1699 ..
kidding , but if you need a good laugh , check out al yankovitzes " amish paradise " video on youtube ..
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Thank you everyone, for your good suggestions, and your great comments and support. So good to know there are others out there, like me, similar to me, going thru the same thing. Again, thank you all.
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Warm hugs to you, meatjeanne. My husband's dementia journey lasted ten years. I never promised him I would keep him at home, although he would have liked that promise. I promised him instead that "I will never abandon you. I will always do my best to see that you have the best care we can find." We discussed more than once that if it became necessary for him to be in a care center I would still take care of him by advocating for him and spending time with him.

I was able to keep him at home, and at the end had hospice come into the house. But not because I was a martyr but because with help I could deal with his particular symptoms. He was able to get out of bed and to walk until the very final days.

It sounds to me like you are keeping the promise I made -- you are not abandoning him, you are advocating for him, you are seeing that he gets the care he deserves and that you could not provide by yourself. It certainly makes sense to me that you feel bad that your husband has dementia, and that you feel sad he is not with you in your home. Crying seems an appropriate response. But shame on your "friends" for trying to make you feel bad about your decision. You are doing your best, your are doing the right things. You are acting in love. It is the "friends" who lack compassion.

On a practical level, follow Pam's advice. AND also consult an attorney specializing in Elder Law. You need to be able to support yourself for another three decades or so. You can't use up all your savings before you seek help. An attorney can help you look after your own interests as well as your husband's.

Having to place a spouse in a care facility is a major milestone of loss. Allow yourself to mourn. I am glad to see you getting on with the next phase of caregiving. You'll get through this, with your compassion and self esteem intact.
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meatjeanne, I think many of us make promises to our love ones when they are still independent and in good health.... had no clue what was really involved when they do become dependent on us.
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I agree with Ba8alou - first, find some more compassionate friends! Who would ever be sarcastic about a friend dealing with a spouse with Alzheimers? That's just plain cruel.

My dad didn't have Alzheimers, he had lung cancer. But once he couldn't get up from the toilet, I had to put him in the Skilled Nursing section of the place where he lived with my mom in Independent Living. There is just no way for one person to handle that and keep their own health and sanity. You did the right thing. Now you can go back to being a wife and caregiver and not nurse, personal aid, bather, cook, etc. Hugs...you did the right thing for both of you.
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Oh, Jeanne, I'm so sorry you feel this way, please, please don't. My aunt tried to tske care of my uncle with Alzheimers for fsr too long and died of a heart attack as a direct result. You are still his caregiver. Once he's settled in, visit him and participate in some activities with him. Yes, go to the VA. And I'd also think about finding some more sensitive friends! ((((((Hugs)))))
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Thank you for the replies. Freq....why the heck do I feel like a traitor? I told him many many times, if he could get up and walk that I would take care of him in the home until he died. Of course, it got to where he couldn't get up...but I still feel horrible. I hope this feeling passes before too long.
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meatjeanne, you did the right thing putting your husband into a memory care facility. Remember almost 1 out every 3 caregiver passes on while caring for a loved one. Once a caregiver starts to get burnt out or losing it, they will eventually become a statistic if they don't get help right away.
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YES you go to VA Click on Money and Legal, above and click on Veterans Assistance. Also talk to the financial people at the facility, a good one will connect you with a free benefits consultant. VA will help pay for his care if he was a wartime vet.
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