My married grandmother who is 63, has been taking care of my 87 year old great-grandpa. She lives in house with him. She is a diabetic, and her health isn't the greatest. He is well over 300lbs, over this past year his health has declined. He has been in and out of the hospital, and rehab to help him get stronger. The doctors have declared him as a fall risk, and he has stopped getting out of bed as much. He has started peeing the bed, and relying on my grandma to clean and care for him. He won't let her bathe him. My grandmother, is becoming wore out, and her health has started to decline as well. There are days when you can tell my great-grandfathers mental state is starting to detoriate. He is a very stubborn man, and gets ill with her, and her husband ((her husband)who now refuses to even come over when he is home off the road). He refuses to hire in home help, or go to a nursing home. My grandma can't handle the physical aspects of this situation anymore. Her husband is an over the road truck driver, when he comes home she never gets to see him. Her husband had threatened to divorce her if something doesn't change. My great grandfather has meals on wheels delivered Monday-Friday. My grandma can't leave him at the house by himself for even 10 minutes to run to the store per doctors orders. We are wondering what she can do. She can't physically take care of him anymore, and he refuses in home help, and well as a nursing home facility.
Sadly, many older people lose the ability to empathize with others. Your great-gf's world has become smaller and smaller, so that now he is seeing only himself. We usually can't fix that, so we have to work with it. Giving the two choices might work with him. I do this a good bit with my mother, even if it is just a choice of where to eat or what to wear. It keeps things easy while still giving a sense of control. Having a sense of control is important -- understandable.
There is something that can be done, it all comes done to if your grandmother is wiling to do it and if you and your mother support her choice.
Your grandmother and I are the same age. Your grandfather and my mother, who I live with, are about the same age. And like your grandfather, my mother is absolute boss. She will not have anyone come in or go to a facility. She wants to die at home. I understand the fix that your grandmother is in. I also know that she (and I) are the only ones who can set limits on what we are willing to do. I told my mother that as soon as she was not able to do things for herself like walk to the bathroom that she would have to go to a nursing facility. And I meant it. I am physically not able to get her up and down, and I won't bathe her. Your grandmother needs to set those limits, too.
It sounds like your great-grandfather is already beyond the point where he needs to enter a facility for care. His weight is a particular problem. Your grandmother is risking her health lifting him and turning him. How many people are there in the family? It sounds like you need to get together as a group, apply for Medicaid for him if needed, and tell him that he is going to have to go into a home because there is no one who is able to care for him. He will protest. Your grandmother will have to feel the guilt and pull back. This is not only for her. It is for him. She cannot provide adequate care for him at 300 lb. You could have shifts of caregivers coming in, but they would probably cost more than a facility.
Please let us know how it's going. I hope everyone will get your grandmother's back so she can be at home with her husband.
1)The Area Agency on Aging is in every county in the USA. She can contact them to come out to evaluate your great grand father for his needs. They offer help with various situations. It is based on income level.
2)Having a Power of Attorney (POA) is a necessity to make legal decisions for another persons medical/finance.
3) If your grandmother does not have a POA and your great-grandfather refuses to get one, there is only one way that I know about to help your grandmother, but only if she is willing to be very strong against her father.'
She can take her father to the ER for medical issue. Then she would have to be very strong to say, "I cannot take care of him." What happens, is the state steps in and he would be placed in a facility if it is determined he cannot take care of himself. Many of had to do this, it sounds drastic, but sometimes it is the only solution when the caregiver is having their own health issues to take care of. The hospital will pressure your grandmother so she will have to stand her ground.
Maybe someone else will have more to offer you than I do. Good luck, and I hope something can be done.
It is time for her to make a list of all the things she does for her father.... now she needs to cross off half the items on the list.... now cross off some more. And not budge from that list. Just say "no" to the items that had been crossed off. The best words to use "Sorry, I can't do that" and don't say anything more, walk out of the room.
There will be a lot of guilt, some arguments but maybe, just maybe, her Dad will finally hire some much needed help, or move into continuing care. Elders sometimes view their children as being in their 30's instead of them being senior citizens. I have always said, seniors should not be taking care of older seniors. I ran into that with my parents, the stress will damage your life forever.
And whatever you do, do NOT become your Great-grandfather's caregiver. It's not your responsibility plus you would miss out on everything you currently have in your life, and that's not fair.