I recently moved my parents to MC (3 months ago). My father has Alzheimer's and my mom has multiple physical problems in addition to cognitive decline. My mother was bedridden at home much of the last 12 years due to chronic pain, opioid addiction, anxiety, and depression. My dad did everything around the house and for her until it became too much for both of them. Now that they are in MC, my dad is getting a much-needed break. He is mobile and is often out of their room in the common areas. He has adjusted much better than my mother. I feel like he literally now has a way to escape her. My mom is wheelchair bound and is very upset that he's getting up and leaving her behind. She's also been making wild accusations that she's been raped multiple times and that one of the caregivers was having an affair with my 88 year old dad. She told one of the caregivers that the caregiver's brother had raped her (the caregiver doesn't even have a brother, much less one that had been in the facility). She claimed that a precious cross-stitch piece I made for her years ago had been broken and turned upside down by the staff who don't like her (it was hanging on the wall in the bedroom, undisturbed). Much of it is clearly delusional. Other claims are less wild - that the staff are calling her names and mishandling her during transfers. But the staff has made it well known to me how much they like my dad. He's sweet, he's agreeable, he never complains. That's who he's always been, except now he has little memory. I know they don't like my mother as much, because honestly I don't like my mother as much either anymore. But I don't want to discount EVERYTHING she says out of hand as age-induced paranoia. She asks for my dad to back up her stories, but he has Alzheimer's. Most of the time he cannot corroborate anything she says and just looks confused at what she's describing. It is getting harder to visit and see her cry saying she's being abused and she's afraid. She says the caregivers are nice when I'm there but some of them are mean when no one's around. I just don't know what to believe. But it was such an ordeal moving them on such short notice, and this place is clean, safe, beautiful, convenient for me to visit, the director is competent and caring, that the thought of relocating them again on what may be totally delusional accusations is daunting. I plan to talk to the director about the situation, but any advice is appreciated. Should I put a camera in their room? Would this cause backlash with the staff? I just don't know what to do.
I agree that a camera would be helpful if allowed--it would show whether it is "all in the mother's head" or if the staff is behaving improperly. Thus, it would be to the benefit of both sides. If the staff is at fault, the presence of the camera might provide an incentive to improve.
Yes, do what you need to do to deal with Buena Vida, but be careful not to allow hate to rule your life--you want to keep others from having the same experience you did, and provide justice for those who have.
If this isn’t going to work work for various reasons and you think she is still able to reason you could talk to the director about installing a camera or something like the Echo Show that allows you to drop in every so often to ease her mind about oversight and or put her on notice that she can’t make up stories (if you think she’s doing this knowingly). I suppose if the later is true and I’m not suggesting it is, a camera just for show that isn’t working should the facility balk at the idea, might work too. But the facility being a MC facility is probably used to these issues with paitents and may have ideas of their own. In general knowing you are an active participant in their care, visiting and talking to them regularly often keeps staff from treating even difficult patients poorly at times. Help them get to know her, tell them she wasn’t always this way and used to be as agreeable as Dad or about the issues that have caused her so much pain for years and how different she was prior, stuff that makes her human and enables them to make excuses for, overlook her behavior, help them develop an emotional attachment if you will, it might even help them come up with ideas to entertain her.
Just ideas, based on how well your dad is doing it sure sounds like you made the right choice and I’m not sure a move is going to change anything for mom. Good luck.
The most disturbing was a description of being followed home from work and raped. (She stated this to a staff member who called me about it. They had a legal obligation to investigate this.)
She also told me that she had been on a walk in the woods and lost her doll Charlie. This then turned into her telling me that she had a son who she gave away for adoption.
I have no way to find out if any of her stories are true as almost everyone who would know is dead. So yes, dementia causes delusions both mentally and visually.
When someone has such issues when dementia is in full swing-- the answer is to distract -- re-direct---
Maybe it is time for a trip to the more help side of the memory care unit as well. Too much freedom may be a problem for her. And maybe it is time for other folks like a preacher friend to come over more often and explain the facts of life to her-- soon her husband will not know who she is. That means time to be big girl and be the bigger person-- the one who promised God and a church full of people she would stand by her husband in sickness and in health. She might listen to the higher authority. In the mean time find something she can do that does not involve her husband. Maybe a Bible study or somethin'... do-- go see the activity director. Get the facility manager on board as well.
Then you'll know what's really going on.
Whatever you do, don't move her or both too soon.
This could be a revolving (door) brain functioning that will repeat itself wherever she may be living. All these changes are energy draining for everyone concerns, and costly.
* It could also be some jealousy and she may need / want attention, intermingled with anger, confusion, resentment(s).
While I am not in your situation, I would say that you are definitely on the right track(s):
1a. If you feel it necessary, take her to an MD for an exam.
1b. Talking to director; it is a major plus that you feel this person is competent and caring. Discuss your concerns with him/her.
2. Research TEEPA SNOW website. Her website is full of valuable education / info. If you don't find what you want, call their office. The staff is very supportive. Different types of dementia affect the brain differently so understanding this may help, a lot.
- FYI : I couldn't believe one of my clients last year talked to me about some chocolate pudding I purchased for her and how good it was (I know it is really good: Belgium chocolate fr Trader Joes). After this discussion, I found out that the container hadn't even been open. I was shocked and I've been in the field for over 10 years working with ind experiencing various dementia behaviors.
3. Consider your mom is confused and afraid.
4. Is her door locked at night (or during the days) or could someone walk in any time they want, including other residents.
5. Try leading your mom in a conversation of something fabricated and see if she takes the bite - and creates a story / fantasy around it.
6. Remember, you can try different strategies. I understand you don't want to totally discount what she says; you DO want to insure that she is safe and not being abused / that boundaries of acceptable behavior lines are not crossed. Are you (or hire someone) able to 'pop in' unannounced late at night, 4am or some time when she may think this is happening?
7. Does she have a roommate? Is it possible for her to get one and/or have a caregiver come in for a week or two for an overnight shift - so they can check in on her every 2-3 hours? Just short term although if anything inappropriate going on, the behavior may not happen knowing someone is there.
8. A camera (hidden) sounds like a good idea to me.
9/ I am sure you will get some excellent feedback here. I recommend you 'copy and paste' some of the helpful responses and put them in a binder for referral.
Second, thank you. My mom is just slipping into the really scary part of dementia, always a hoarder, now obessive about her objects and everyone else's, accuses the family of stealing her enormous pile of junk. It's harrowing.
Sending you love as you go through this.
This place sounds very good but direct care staff are human. If you alternate visits to include every shift and then ask the aides to perform some service for you, you’ll likely be able to figure out who, if anyone, is mistreating her. As you get to know them and converse with them, it will most likely be the person or person who concentrates on providing you mostly negative information about your mother. I found that this technique worked pretty well when our mother was in a nursing home. Such people also attempt to extract tips from famimy members and sometimes badmouth the nursing home or administrative personnel,