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I can relate to "We never do this or that...etc" I started recording tantrums to show the doc.

They are bored and want someone to talk to. They need their own peers. An activity center would be good if they are willing to go.
My dad leaves the house too late to go to one. So we go other places, like a store or restaurant.
I hope you find a resolution. All the best
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You know something? The problem with mother moving to a new location is that she will take HERSELF along with her. That means she can't escape the problem, which is HER. The misery comes with her because she is the source OF it. The complaining will happen no matter where she lives. People like this are always looking for a "Geographical Cure", but there isn't one, for the reason mentioned above.

You are trying to 'fix' an 'unfixable' situation. The trouble is the word 'want' ....... your mother wants A through Z and even God Himself would be unable and unwilling to grant all of those wishes because life on Earth comes with some pain. Some sacrifice. Lots of imperfection, even for HER! And the demands she issues are unrealistic, unwarranted, and unachievable. Until you realize that, you will continue jumping thru the fiery hoops and burning your poor body over & over again.

Stop jumping. It's okay to say no. It's okay to relax. It's okay to let the phone calls go to voicemail. It's okay to go out and have a nice day with your friends or with DH. It's okay if mother's every need goes unmet. It's okay to realize it's not your responsibility to see to it that such a thing happens. It's okay to tell her that you can no longer be her slave or her scratching post or her Girl Friday. It's okay to let yourself off of this hook you've been put on to.

It's time for your mother to realize that the earth does not revolve around her, at least for YOU. If she'd like to move, you will help her to the best of your ability. But if all she'd like to do is to continue to complain into your ear, you're not available for such a thing any longer. You, my dear, are busy living your LIFE and have no more time for such nonsense.

Enough is enough.
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gemmab123 Jan 2020
PREACH :)
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No - there is no way you can improve things. She has to realise that she is where she is because that was the decision she made, and if she doesn't want to meet others it is her who is cutting off her nose to spite her face. Simply tell her you will not see her to be put under stress, and stay away for a couple of weeks - leave her to it, as we are so often told our relatives are capable of making a decision (reason is another matter and not relevant). She can make her decision and choose to live a better life or be miserable but its her choice.
Don't let her guilt trip you, or put you under stress - you are an adult and should be treated as one if she wants to be treated the same way.
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Some of your issues are very familiar to me..I feel for you! My mom is the same way..in complete denial over her age, her disease, her ability to care for herself..you name it. Total control freak..which I don't buy into. (Also I wouldn't put too much stock into Wellbutrin. Doesn't really help people be nice or change their personality.) And we all know..dementia only gets worse not better.
I don't understand if she lives with you in a condo you own? Freedom is more important than money. Is it time for mom to move into AL? Give some people an inch and they take a yard over and over. She's got you where she wants you.
You have to ask yourself....what does better look like? And take steps to make it happen, legally and every other way.
We are moving my mom into MC in a couple weeks and she has no idea...and it will be up to her to find a little happiness. best wishes.
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Riverdale Jan 2020
I was under the impression the Wellbutrin was for the poster.
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Complaining about the weather in Florida is basically pointless especially if she finds it gloomy. You could give her reports from other parts of the country!! Yes she is presently calling all the shots yet is still miserable. I feel you need to disengage. I have to do this with my mother's health issues. When I didn't a few years back I fell into a terrible depression which only had the benefit of losing weight since I literally could not eat. While some weight loss is a constant struggle for me I have to remind myself of the mind blowing anxiety I felt during that period. From my experience Wellbutrin was great but I have difficulty with sleep so I went back on Effexor.

If your mother will only at present constantly complain to you then I think you need to be less available to her and if need be tell her why. That may not change her personality but you will not be tortured by her behavior to you. You are doing your best. We can't force happiness or contentment on others. We can only try to be the person we want to be and meet reasonable needs.
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When my mother lived "independently" in a condo 7 minutes from me, she also had no social life. Before she stopped driving, she would drive to the nearby mall to walk, and socialized with the other mallwalkers, drive to the stores nearby, to Mass, etc. But once she stopped driving, I wasn't about to take the hours it would take to take her somewhere every day. She didn't like the boundaries I set about my driving her (to Mass once a week, to medical/dental appointments, and for shopping once a week).

She could have used the public transportation for disabled/elders, but she was too good for that.

She would call people on the phone, but I think that was a lot of her just prattling on and on. She didn't hear very well. But I guess it counted as socialization?

She eventually had an infected gallbladder, was hospitalized for 17 days, then to rehab, then to a SNF. She didn't try to engage with the other residents much, but did engage with the staff (when she wasn't experiencing paranoia, that is).

I did not want to be her social support, and thought it was inappropriate for her doctor to suggest as much to me. ("She needs social support. She needs someone to check in with her every day to see what she needs.") I just looked at the doctor.
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Piper, I had somewhat the same situation in a MIL .. only social outlet was us . .her son and me (his wife) and our kids.

Not because we moved her to a new location .. she was where she always lived, but she was in denial of aging .. and faltering in health .. and so forth.

I explained many many times that she can go to the senior center, . . transport will come for her .. and/or I would go with her, to start .. her daughter (who comes to town periodically, lives 1K miles away) even went with her, one time, . to try to acclimate her to that environment in the hopes she'd strike an interest.

Her refusal to do so . was always cloaked in a mantra of "those are all old people, I don't want to go be around old people".

She was an "old people" . but failure to recognize that and deal with it.

She lived that way isolated for far too long.

She now lives in a SNF . and is surrounded by those "old people" she didn't ever want to be around. I wish I could report that she is now acclimated. Far from it.

I think what that isolation created .. was a setting whereby she was allowed/enabled to deny the reality that "IS". You too are old, .. and .. guess what .. so are others, . doesn't mean life comes to a complete halt . and the only social outlet is what your kids, g'kids can summon to the front for you.

My only advice, . you don't play that game. Life is what she makes it .. and you need to stick to that, for your own good .. you matter too.

Remind her when she begins to balk/complain that there are means to get her to a senior center to make some friends, . and change the subject . and move along. Don't get trapped into some setting whereby you are her only outlet, and she uses that time to vent/complain incessantly. It's not fair to you .. and in the end, .. it's not good for her.
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TaylorUK Jan 2020
That sounds so very familiar - and is absolutely the truth of the matter.
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Tall about her dementia to your heart's content to her.

Why does tour mother get to make the rules Piper? You're reasoning from a false premise.

Mom HAS dementia. That's the elephant in the room.

It's not your job to make her happy.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
I agree that it isn’t her job and the fact is that no one can make anyone happy. It simply isn’t possible to make anyone else happy, even if Piper does try to take on the task of trying to coerce her mom to be happy.

Sometimes, we become delusional because we want something for them so badly. I did this far too long with my mom and had to learn this the hard way. We fall into the, “What if? and If only? Or Should I?” trap. Vicious circle.
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