I take care of mom in my home. I don't know when to stop the quarantine. I feel guilty that I don't allow anyone in my home.
We have a porch and a storm door between us and visitors.
Mom has lung problems and is on oxygen 24/7. She has a heart condition also. She is 82 years old.
We have just started back to her doctor's visits after about a year not doing anything. She had FaceTime with her doctors but no blood work until now. We are getting back on track with our norm except allowing family inside.
All my family works with the public.
My own daughter is mad at me. Cause I haven't seen my grandson in person for all this time. We face time.
Oh. And mom will not take the vaccine.
What do I do ?
Do I just take my chances ?
Do I continue how I allow her visits.
Do I wait for when nursing homes open their doors.
It's all because she will not take the vaccine.
If it was your mom and you wanted to keep her safe and alive, what would you do?
No one goes over to visit if they're sick or running a fever.
In the beginning, I went one month without seeing my Grand Children, then I decided it was Crazy, Political and Money Making and more people die every year from the regular flu.
Then with all the changes the Media and Dr Faci talked about re masks and the uncertainty of the shot, I decided the fast make of the shot and the unknown of long term effects,
I chose to take extra Vit , D E and Zink, Wash my hands and not get around or go around someone sick.
I chose not to give him the Vaccine due to I think he has better odds to take his chances with getting and dying from the Corona Virus.
He has always continued to have family visits during this whole time.
You should let your family visit your mom as long as they aren't sick and I don't blame your kid for being upset with you for not seeing your grandchild, all this time. You have Missed A Year of your life.
If she is not capable of making decisions then that also applies to having the vaccine - talk to her Dr to arrange her having it. Then you can manage who she sees and when, and for maximum safety quarantine would end three weeks after she has her second dose, and you would allow in only people who had also had their vaccine doses.
We cannot make decisions for our loved ones based on what we think it best for them or even what we want IF they are capable of understanding a situation and making a decision. Maybe seeing people and running a risk that may affect her living or not, is preferable to her than being shut away, and if she does catch ANYTHING then this is how she wants things - its her choice.
As for your mother and the vaccine, has she expressed a reason for refusing the shot(s)? A VALID reason? Does she accept other vaccines, such as flu, shingles, and pneumonia? If she accepts the others, why not this one? If it stems from watching TV and listening to some of the garbage one hears on it, provide her with legitimate information from reputable sources.
It is unfortunate, but even those with dementia have "rights" and that includes the right to refuse. Sometimes we have to work around them, weasel our way in to get them to consider doing something or accepting some treatment, and somehow make it THEIR idea. Perhaps a fib or two, it's a new flu shot, etc.
But, if there's no way to get a shot into her, get your, if you haven't already, find a good caregiver and get yourself out. If she wants to know why you can go out and she can't, well mom, if you'd take the shot....
The fear that has been peddled about this virus is more of a killer than The Virus itself, since it has better than a 99% survival rate. People have voluntarily quarantined themselves for over a YEAR now and put their lives on hold out of fear. It is your choice how you decide to move forward now. If it were me, I'd get myself and my mother OUT of the house to see your grandson, OUT to eat and back to LIFE again.
Best of luck to you!
As for her refusal to be vaccinated - since she has dementia you must base the decision on whether she would normally have had her flu shot and all the others like shingles and pneumonia or she has always been vehemently anti vaxx (that assumes you are her medical proxy).
You have put your life on hold long enough. If you want to get the vaccine, get it, and if your mom doesn't want it, that's her choice. Last time I checked this was still America, where we have freedom of choice. I know that our freedoms are slowly being taken away, but for now we still have them.
It's time you start spending time with that precious grandson of yours, and start living your life again, as you will never get that time back with him. You can still do everything you want to while taking the necessary precautions. And that includes having people in your home. Yes, they may still have to wear a mask(if that makes you feel more comfortable)and social distance some, but there's no reason not to get your life back to some sort of normalcy. Dr. Fauci just said over the weekend that you no longer had to wear masks outdoors, as the infection rate is extremely low outdoors, so perhaps you can start with having family get togethers outside. Enough is enough! Time to start living your life again.
Both were seriously locked down and depression has followed. Mom will be ok, MIL is probably permanently damaged from nonstop fear. Both are 91!
At some point, we HAVE to live our lives. When that is, is up to each individual. When I see people out walking/exercising in the fresh air with a mask on, I kind of have to wonder at their thinking. Do they think covid is in the air, willy nilly? IDK. Scary to think that FEAR has done this to them.
My DH and I are fully vaccinated and plan now to visit out of state kids. We're going to CA this weekend and I know they are still mask-requiring all over the state, so I'm also buying a package of masks. We're doing mostly out door things so we can be as maskless as possible.
Then up to WA state to see grands we haven't seen in over a year.
I would not allow ONE member of the family to dictate whether or not we can get back to a sense of normal. If you are all vaccinated and mom isn't, then it's on her to either stick around when people visit or leave.
We were good citizens for well over a year and now we're 'good' citizens for getting vaccinated and still observing social distancing. I can't make ANYBODY do ANYTHING except for myself.
If it was my Mom, as your question says, I would now allow her to have a normal life, and would understand she is at risk of dying of covid. To be frank, at her age she is at risk of dying--period.
If my mother had lived long enough to see a vaccine, I doubt very much if she would have *chosen* to get it. She knew she was not going to live much longer with her CHF, and during the worst of the outbreak, she often stated she wasn't at all worried about getting Covid. But I know if she had contracted it from one of us, I would have felt terribly guilty; so if she had lived, I think I would have insisted she get the vaccine, if for nothing more than my own peace of mind that I did everything in my power to mitigate the chances of her contracting the illness.
Let's face it - no one was jumping up and down with joy over the prospect of getting jabbed with a needle; especially for a vaccine that has been so highly politicized, not to mention one that many people feel was rushed through the process. There is still so much vitriol between sides; depending on which website you read, there is all sorts of conflicting data regarding all of the vaccines; and the uncertainty of the safety of some of them (J&J, Astra-Zeneca, etc.) just adds to the fear.
I agree with Ann; ask her doctor and be guided by what he/she tells you. If the doctor thinks mom should get vaccinated, then get her vaccinated. If the doctor thinks it's not a good idea, then follow that advice. But for certain, don't allow this indecision to make the choice for you.
You also need to start thinking about the big picture - I think, as time goes on, there are going to be more and more restrictions in place insisting that people be vaccinated. For example, if your mom goes to any sort of adult day care, I would not be at all surprised if you're going to have to prove vaccination status before you're allowed to use those services. And you should be able to see and hug your grandchild without the worry in the back of your mind that doing so will put your mother at risk. Your needs matter, too.
Good luck!
It's unfortunate that politics are getting in the way of this, but I guess someone refusing to be vaccinated will be somewhat like a smoker refusing to quit--s/he will have to deal with any consequences.
We waited till March and all 3 of us in my house were vaccinated. Mom was recovering from a UTI so we missed her January appt but were able to get her on the “homebound program”. Mom (74) and I had no reactions - my husband had less than 24 hours of flu symptoms - (though he did say if that is what covid is like thank goodness we are somewhat protected - Tylenol helped a lot once he took it) he is 50 and we all had the J&J.
You being the sole caregiver are also allowed to consider yourself - how this affects your quality of life as well as how it would affect your household if anyone got sick - if you feel it’s best - then trust your decision just as you would as a parent making decisions for your family.
I would talk it over with her doctors. Maybe if everyone wears a mask and keeps their distance it will be OK.
What do her physicians advise? My LO has had Covid infections TWICE. She has now been vaccinated (both shots). I’m SURE she protested. Her protests were. O doubt ignored WITH MY FULL SUPPORT.
What will Mom do if she is told that she MUST BE VACCINATED? Throw a tantrum? Initiate a hunger strike? Pack her bag and move out?
If it was my relative with dementia and physical conditions that made her even MORE VULNERABLE to the already highly contagious condition that the vaccine was for, I would ask her doctor how to manage her BEHAVIOR, AND GET HER VACCINATED.
Perhaps two burly aides who could physically CARRY HER to a vaccination site, or medication, or some special treat, WHATEVER IT TAKES.
When dealing with a cognitively failing adult, SAFETY takes precedence. PERIOD. HER CHOICE? TOTALLY INCONSEQUENTIAL.
If YOU KNOW that she would be unable to live through a Covid infection, or be intubated, or be hospitalized for an indefinite period of time with NO FAMILY PRESENT, you really only have two courses in which to proceed. Vaccination is one of them, continuing to live as you are at present is the other.
Be at peace with the consideration that sometimes there are NO CHOICES EXCEPT DIFFICULT ONES. If you choose, with love, to do what she needs to be safe, you will be doing the right thing.