My father is 89, my mother is 87 with dementia. My father has a difficult time getting around without his walker or cane. They live in a 3 story home with their bedrooms on 2nd floor. My father refuses to put my mother in a home because he expects his children to come every night to put my mom to bed and make sure they have a meal on the table. My mom can't dress herself, she is wearing depends that my dad does not change for her until one of us shows up @ dinner time. We then have to make sure she has eaten for the day and taken her pills before we bring her back up to bed @ 6:30 PM. She can't remember how to brush her teeth, she eats very little, and she will remain in bed sometimes until we get there and get her up to come downstairs. They have a dog that is deaf, that defecates and urinates thru out the house so they have us put puppy pads down all thru out the house. My father insists he can take care of her with our commitment every night and if we can't he states that we are selfish and just thinking of ourselves. My sister lives up the street and she is able to get there every night but it is taking a tole on her. There are just 3 of us in town and no other help comes in because my father refuses to pay for it. He can move to a home at this time thru the VA and take my mother with him but doesn't know what to do with the dog. They do not have enough money to put my mom in a home with out my dad having a lien put on his home to pay for my mom if she goes to a home and he stays at home. How to we convince my father that it is time for her to get more help that we can't always provide with out him making us feel like we are just being selfish.
Take the dog to the vet and get it checked. If the dog is in pain, it's time to put the dog out of misery. If the dog is not in pain, take the dog into your home (crate the dog in a comfy and easy to clean space with regular walks) and bring the dog to visit your dad at the VA home.
Recognize that your father will not change because he doesn't have to change. You and your siblings are enabling his current living situation.
Also recognize how very, very fortunate your father is to have access to a VA home.
Your father is not thinking clearly - either because of the situation with your mom, his own cognitive decline or a combination of both - but, you and your siblings must be rational and act in their best interests and in your own as well.
Caregiving must work for everyone involved. It's time for you and your siblings to be the adults. Be gentle yet firm and resolute that "things cannot go on the way they are now, dad".
Your parents' needs are only going to increase. Do not let the VA home opportunity pass your family by.
If Dad has money he needs to use that for her care. Medicaid will allow assets to be split. Moms part will be spent down and then you can apply for Medicaid. Dad will keep the house and a car and his part of the assets. When Mom passes, then a lean will be put on the house. Dad can continue to live it it. This is just basic info. Each state and situation is different.
I am a dog lover, but fouling all over the house is a deal breaker. He obviously can't even let the dog in and out.
Can you and your siblings agree to stop propping up this really bad situation? It is going to take all of you to say no more.
Your dad is also neglecting his wife, leaving her in bed in her own waste is detrimental to her wellbeing in many ways. One meal a day is not sufficient nutrition, she is probably dehydrated as well.
It sounds like your dad is not all there cognitively, time for extreme measures.
Ask around see if a family member will take the dog, thus eliminating this as an excuse.
He is fortunate that he has the VA as an option, time to take advantage of this option. Who has their DPOA, whoever it is should step in, if necessary call APS, do whatever it takes to have your mother properly cared for.
At some point, a parent's wishes have GOT to be overlooked and overridden. The parents sometimes become the children and the children must take on the role of the parents; we see that ALL the time here. Yet the children are afraid to say No to the parents, because it goes against everything they're taught. "Respect" for a parent includes allowing them to have the right to do what they want & to live how they'd like, right? No, wrong. At this point in time, and with this level of disease and dysfunction, someone has to step in and deem their lifestyle to be unfit and no longer safe. They have to be placed in a safe environment, such as Assisted Living, for their own good, because they are no longer capable of making sound decisions.
It is what it is. We children do what we have to do to ensure their safety and that they're eating and being cared for properly. If he is able to move into a VA home and take your mom with him, then that is the easy answer here. One of the children can take the dog and bring it by for visits once in a while.
Your father can call you 'selfish' until the cows come home, but you know that is not the case. He is no longer able to think clearly, which is obvious. This is what you tell yourself. If he was able to think clearly, he'd SEE and he'd KNOW that the living conditions he's subjecting himself and his wife to are dangerous, unsanitary and it's only a matter of time before both of them fall & need hospitalization. At that point, the choice will be REMOVED from him and they will HAVE to be placed, like it or not. That's how our system works.
He can do things the easy way or he can do things the hard way. Most of the elders choose 'the hard way', unfortunately, and wait for The Crisis to occur and for them to be forced into placement. Let's hope you can convince your father that making this decision on his own is much better than having it made FOR him.
Wishing you the very best of luck with this difficult situation. I had one myself and my dad was forced into Assisted Living after a hospitalization and rehab stint.
I understand the laws, I know that people have institutionalized others for evil reasons, but it is so far the other way that it is mind blowing and frustrating, especially when you just want to help them be safe and cared for. Grrrrrr!!!
Take the dog into one of the siblings homes.
Place Mom and Dad in available VA home **together**, providing caregivers to come in for Mom.
That is my solution, and I am sticking to it. It looks so much easier looking in from the outside.
Because if people wait, I have seen families destroyed, divorces, elder abuse, no medical care provided for one spouse, and exploitation by adult children with their own issues of incompetency. (bipolar, failure to become self-supporting).
Do it now, imo.
It would be great if elderly people would hear their children when they say "we can't do it anymore." But many of them do not.
A combination of factors ruled out me caring for her, either in her place or mine. I did what I could to keep her longer in her own place, but she was making that difficult. Primary gates to me providing full care were her inability to do my stairs, no way to handicap my bathrooms, my inability to support her weight, my cats... There are other reasons, but the biggest is her weight and my bad spine! There are days when I can't stand up straight, lift anything even like 10# and/or inability to bend over!
Glad you had a wise husband AND sensibly listened to him!!! Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, or get sucked in slowly and before we realize it we are in too deep!
You could check around - some ALs (even MCs) will allow small pets. Mom's place had a dog (he really wasn't appropriate, too big, needed room to run!) and a cat, which stays in the person's room. If not, can you take the cat in and maybe bring him/her to visit mom, after she moves to AL?
Stop the daily visits to help them out as difficult as that sounds if you keep doing for them there is no reason for them to change where and how they are living.
You can move a bed to the first floor so mom does not have to go up stairs. That will make it safer and easier for her. As a matter of fact your dad should probably be sleeping on the first floor as well. Safer and easier for him as well.
One small verbal thing to think about – s/he ‘moves to xxx', don’t say that “you put them in a home’.
We are talking about days to change a situation that could escalate for years before these caregivers finally break and they will because the situation is beyond what the family can handle. So we do the very hard thing now to stop the hard things from continuing daily.
No one ever said any part of this would be easy. Change never is.
Ckirsch, be sure and make it very clear to APS that they can go to a VA home, this will help them get both of your parents the care they need. You could also give dad the ultimatum, you either get your head into helping mom get the best care available by moving into the VA or the state gets involved and then she goes wherever they choose. Make it one or the other, no other choices available.
In our case we had to wait for the crisis. A fall lead to a hospitalization. Discharge to rehab turned into a "No safe plan of discharge home" and a permanent nursing home placement. The patient is well cared for now.
"...my brother POH and my sister POA after my father are refusing to do anything but pick up after the dog."
Sometimes having others is detrimental, not helpful.
Botton line: in what situation will both parents be safest?
Staying put is not the answer. If they have the VA home as an option, they are very fortunate. With luck there isn't a long waiting list.
You and your siblings have helped your parents, but their need for a higher level of care/ assistance is becoming more dire.
Although difficult emotionally, in time you will never regret assisting them to relocate to a safer place.
Bottom line it is time when...
The care falls to other members of the family, when spouse can no longer care for spouse.
When safety becomes an issue. This could mean...
If the caregiver may be injured caring for the care recipient
If the care recipient may become injured by or because of the caregiver.
If the caregiver is not safe themselves due to health or mobility issues
If the care recipient is not safe due to health or mobility issues.
If the house is not set up to safely care for the care recipient.
Unfortunately it often takes a catastrophic event for spouse and or family members to realize that a change has to be made. And many times if it comes to that it may be too late.
Good Luck
You should rearrange the home so your Mom can sleep down stairs and the aid(s) have the room(s) upstairs. When the home becomes topsy turvy this might be the push your Dad needs to make a real change rather than the catastrophic inevitable fall. Take control don't let Dad make you fell guilty.
broke their hips in the same year. It was a blessing in disguise. I found a Elder assist service that helped me to do a separation of assets so my mother in law could go to skilled nursing. She was never strong enough to walk again and needed help with daily living. Medicaid approved her and they cover everything now. Her mind is good and she has thrived. We even got her cataracts done! My father in law has dementia but could care for himself until she left. He had fully recovered from his hip surgery but his dementia had worsened. We were able to get him assisted living in the same facility and his small income covers the bulk of
his expenses. Recently we got him a small VA pension. This has not been easy but, I'm here to say that there is hope if you use the resources available. Its been 1 year and the difference in both of them is remarkable. They spend every day together and when we visit we are able to enjoy them. Don't wait until its too late. Start doing your homework now. My sister in law lost years of her life trying to care for them. Wish we would have stepped in sooner.
If your parents are both determined to stay, however, you all must then give them some rules, starting with having a bathroom installed somewhere on the main floor (at least a half bath) and that they move their beds to that floor, too... even in a small house, you'll find a way to do this. It's just too dangerous for them both to be climbing stairs in their conditions. And that they have some kind of regular in-home nursing to help with bathing and medication management.
Pick up the phone and start calling every agency you can think of for financial aid and medical assistance... you never know until you ask.
They say you're being selfish because they're scared... nursing homes, for their generation, is where old people went to die with nurses in severe white uniforms forcing medication on them. Newer facilities aren't like that but you won't convince them of it.
I hope you and your clan can come up with something that works for all of you.
Realize that dad is manipulating everybody but that the situation does not provide adequately for anybody's needs. Dad probably needs some help with his ADL. Mom definitely needs help with most of her ADLs. None of you appear to want or are able to be full time, live in caregivers. Seems either they need full time caregiver(s) or to go into a facility that would provide the care they desperately need. Dad may be concerned that his children will not visit them, he will be separated from his wife, and that there are not enough finances to cover costs.
Do your research. Talk to home health care agencies. Talk to a VA representative about VA residential facility care and dad's finances. Talk to your siblings after you have gathered all information. Then talk to your parents about their options. Dad may need to realize that Adult Protective Services would remove them from their home if the situation does not change - and then your parents would not have choices.
Does your father go to the VA for his medical care? because that makes it even easier.
I told a friend about this for her husband and they had help within 2 weeks and it’s all free. I believe she was even able to request a time frame. She chose morning for bathing and getting ready for the day.
You need to set up a bed downstairs for your parents - they should not be going upstairs at all.
I lived in the livingroom with my DH for 1-1/2 years when he became unable to get into and out of our bed. I bought 2 sleepchairs and we both lived in the livingroom. I took him to the bathroom when needed and assisted him with his urinal right there in the livingroom. It was an act of love for me to tend to his needs and I'm thankful I was able to be there for him. However, he was 30 years older than me and that helped a lot since he was already 96.