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When my grandmother (my mom’s mom) got past 80 she loved to make people miserable. She would deliberately do and say things to make you mad, reduce you to tears and she loved to fight. She had a mean streak and she had no problem saying horrible things to your face. If you didn’t take the bait and remained calm and collected she would continue her tirade and keep it up. She loved to make people cry, and she would laugh at your tears. Now that my mom is in her 80’s she is doing the same exact thing. My grandmother and mother both tested negative for dementia / Alzhemier’s. I have adopted the “cool and aloof” technique with my mother. I refuse to let her get to me, and when I can tell she’s escalating this I just respond with a pat answer. I can tell that this frustrates and angers her. I have seen her make people mad enough that they turn red and burst into tears over simple trivial things. My mom will smile with glee over this. Anyone else experience this? I refuse to play this game. Anyone else have solutions other than just remaining “cool and aloof”?

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It’s called mental illness!

We have all seen mentally disturbed people during our lives.

Avoid these people like the plague if possible. If you have to maintain contact then remain silent or nod and say yes so they have nothing to argue about!

So sorry that you are dealing with this difficult situation.

Best wishes to you.
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We want to think our parents are going to age sweetly and gracefully.

Sadly, that does not happen as much as we'd like.
Both my mom and MIL can be the meanest people I've ever known. It's almost unbelievable to me the things they will say or do.

Can I change this? Absolutely not. Can I make it better? Nope. Because THEY don't care and hurting people--whether it's on purpose or just they way they talk to you--doesn't matter to them.

I do not speak to my MIL at all and will never speak to her again.

I am usually 'grey rock' with my mother. I only go to her place when YB (with whom she lives) is not doing well and HE needs help. I just facilitated a Spring Cleaning for her, I did not participate--and so her 2 favorite kids did this time's cleaning. I was behind it, but not present.

I don't feel like talking to her, so I don't. Luckily for me, she can't use her phone and also cannot remember my phone number, so staying incommunicado is easy.

People who do not have Narcs in their lives think that not having a relationship with your own mother is wrong--but they need to walk in our shoes....I'm NEVER verbal or confrontational with either woman. I just walk away and stay away.

Hating them is pointless. And getting into a 'fight' with them is just lowering myself to their standards.
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Get a life, Riley. Really terrorizing 80 year old women Boy I would like to see you when you approach that age. I am not making excuses for their behavior, but I think other options are a better choice. Really Riley!! You are just as hateful if not worse! Read what Midkid said in her last 2 paragraphs.
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Personally, this woman is cruel and nasty and there is no way on this earth I would tolerate this behavior or let her get away with this. I would go after her big time and set some really tough boundaries - she either stops and shuts up or there will be very serious consequences. She has to be "terrorized" enough to stop. And start considering a caretaker (who can handle this personality and deal with it) or remove her from your presence. No one should ever put up with this no matter why the person is that way. It is just downright wrong and ugly.
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If you are doing gray rock and it is working for you that is great. I would have a relationship that would be quite distant with such a person. I admire that you can do this. But I will say that a calm demeanor drives the troublemakers mad, and there is much to delight in with that.
As to others, they are on their own until they learn to do gray rock also. You can suggest it to them. Make copies from the link below and pass them out.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201911/the-price-and-payoff-gray-rock-strategy
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There ane many, many posts on this forum about dysfunctional families which makes sense I suppose, people without a problem aren't out seeking answers 😉

Cool and aloof is often called going grey rock, if you do a search of this term you will find lots of advice. The next step is to go no contact, which is often the only way the children of such people can keep their sanity.
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I have a sibling who’s done similar for practically his whole life. As an adult, I’ve chosen to give him no audience from me when this goes on. As in not being present for it at all. It saves me anxiety and having to think of any possible reactions I could be doing. Limit your exposure
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Stay away or walk away. No one deserves to be treated poorly, especially by family members. You don't have to tolerate it, so don't.
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