Many of you answered my last post and I found all of your answers helpful and comforting. Thank you, much appreciated. I reread them when I hit the low points of the day.
Things have not improved sadly. My grandmother has come home from rehab in worse shape then when she went to the hospital. She doesn't want to eat or get up from her chair. Getting her to the bathroom is a struggle. In the meantime my father, stuck on another floor because of his wheelchair, threatens to throw himself out of the chair or recliner because he is going to get up and walk home. There are times where he seems completely lucid and others where I am frightened of him. Things are taking their toll but my family is afraid of next steps. Grandma doesn't seem to care if she is home or in the rehab. She can't remember being in the rehab. She doesn't want to work with us to help get some of her independence back. It is like she has given up. I'm so sad and heartbroken. It is hard to care for one person but two seems impossible. My mother is losing it as this is her mother and husband we are caring for. No one has a quality of life but our guilty and sadness and fear of moving them to assisted living has us stuck. We want to do right by them but can we live with the repercussions? Visiting the facilities and the late night calls when something bad has happened?
My niece has first communion coming up in April and I don't know how all of us would attend. At least two people need to be home to take care of them so me and my mom would miss out. Just feel like my life is passing by while all this happens and I don't know what to do. Just now he calls my name and wants me to take him to the town where we live. I could use a pep talk right about now.
Thanks for reading.
Yesterday we had an aide come in and when the aides come in it seems to make him more combative. The aide stops him and tells him to not do certain things like stand up without assistance and basically do their job. He gets very nasty and even more out of his mind. After the aide left he was left alone for five minutes and stood up out of his chair and promptly fell on the floor. He wasn't seriously hurt but it could have been much much worse. I'm scared in his times of "not so great ideas" he may try to pull himself up on the stove and light the whole house on fire. Just some of the crazy thoughts I have.
Anyway, yesterday was pretty bad. Today, no aide, he is like a different person. Calm and quiet and hasn't tried to destroy anything or throw himself out of the chair etc. Which in turn makes you say, well maybe it isn't that bad. Maybe we can do this. But we still can't leave him unattended. I go back and forth and I guess in my heart of hearts I know it is the right thing to do as bringing in an part or full time, only seems to exacerbate his moods. I don't know what to do. My mom wants reassurance she's doing the right thing and I guess I don't know what that is anymore.
”I'm scared in his times of "not so great ideas" he may try to pull himself up on the stove and light the whole house on fire. Just some of the crazy thoughts I have.”
Not a crazy thought at all but a very wise and sensible thought. While you’re exploring options, I would make sure you have a fully-charged fire extinguisher stationed in the kitchen and working smoke detectors on all levels of the house.
have them placed in a facility . But if thats too difficult for your Mom because of guilt, at least get one of them placed . And get some help in the house do the other one so you and Mom get breaks. Most elderly people do not want to be a burden . They would want you to live your life. Your sacrifices are not helping them . They are also at the point where they may respond better to the healthcare workers . They don’t want to listen and be told what to do by family . When I put my Mom in assisted living it was better for both of us . Mom perked up for a bit , ate better , made friends , went to activities. Of course she would complain etc . And of course I felt guilt , but she was impossible . The doctor and social worker told me that she had to be placed because she would not do what I asked her to do like eating , bathing etc and that she needed to be taken care of someone who was not family. Now my husband and I had the same issues with my FIL. He is now in AL . It’s not easy , but it’s better than the 24/7 battles with them . They aren’t going to get any better. In the meantime you taking care of them is only going to make you sick .
You sound like you're at your wits end like I was when I sought out a support group. They literally saved my life.
Then you and mom need to start looking at placing both grandma, and your father in the appropriate facilities. I think once you actually go into some of these places you will be pleasantly surprised at how nice some of them are.
You can't keep up with the care of both of them. One or both of you are going to suffer major health issues.
Statistics show that 63% of caregivers have a higher mortality rate than non caregivers. That should be enough to scare the crap out of you and your mom.
You already know that even with your best intentions, neither of you can continue on with the way things are now. Something has to change. And soon.
Please, please make sure that you and your mom are taking good care of yourselves and doing things that you enjoy, as you both matter too.
Often the caregiver(s) gets lost in the equation and that's when things start to fall apart, as you are discovering.
Once you get your grandma and father placed, you and your mom can just get back to being daughter's, granddaughter, wife and advocate.
And you'll be able to once again breath.
Best wishes on finding the appropriate facilities for them both.
Is your niece receiving communion nearby to where you are located? That day see if you can have someone "elder sit" your dad and grandma for 2-3 hours. You may not be able to attend the festivities surrounding the communion, but at least you can participate.
For the last part, IDK how to say this without sounding defeatist, but for now and the foreseeable future, your life is altered. Stop fighting with yourself about regaining what was "normal". That is gone. You will feel a little, tiny bit better when you accept that for now this is your normal and you're going to have to find ways to cope with it while not completely losing your mind (that includes hiring assistance).
You can do this!!!! But you have to make yourself find ways to care for your loved ones AND making this episode in your life palatable. It's tough, but you can do it.
Guilt is not the word for what you are experiencing; that is grief. You are not god and to think you have control over the things your elders are experiencing or that you can change any of it for them is a kind of hubris. You are feeling what I call the OTHER G word which is grief. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it.
To sacrifice the lives of your entire family to this is wrong, and you have an obligation not to do so.
Unfortunately your grandmother should have been placed in in facility care with the good help of the discharge planners in her rehab; as you observed, she no longer honestly cares where she is at this point. That this wasn't done will complicate things now, doing it from home. You might wait until her next hospitalization which is inevitable.
Please seek help for yourself. This is a huge tangle that requires placement for the good of all involved. I am so sorry for all your grief and hardship.
You must understand that what you are doing now to your own nuclear family is by your own CHOICE. And in my humble opinion it is the WRONG choice. I will be so blunt as to honestly say that. However, the truth is that no one can make your choices for you; only you can do that. WhatEVER your choices are I wish you the very best.