I have been her caregiver in one way or another for 10 or 12 years but now I must monitor her medicines, oversee her daily therapy for stroke recovery, and make sure all her other medical needs are performed regularly; bladder cathing, regular BMs, bathing, dressing, feeding, staying hydrated, getting ample nutrients and vitamins and minerals, and virtually her every need. Her mind is still clear enough she can understand most what I tell her but memory is gone day by day! She has no emotion when she speaks, of any kind. We are neither spiritual but I am a moral, empathetic person of integrity. She and I have never been close. Our relationship has lasted 63 years mostly... because of my strong sense of responsibility. She wants me close by most of the time except for trips for groceries and necessities. I have devoted most of my retired life to her health and comfort and I sometimes stop and wonder if I will ever get to live again before my health turns south and I join the ranks of the infirm. I seldom get to hold an intelligent conversation with someone, much less spend a couple days at the casino or at the beach or just living! I don't know if I could live with myself to simply commit her, knowing she realized what was happening. Has anyone else faced and resolved this dilemma? I realize this is a deeply personal decision and my reasoning won't be the same as someone else!
However, I came to accepting( most days) his condition will not improve and I had to start create my own life. I am neither introvert/extrovert, so I want company, friends, but I don’t need them all the time. However, I am never lonely and I need almost every day few to several hours on my own.
I also have great need to travel again and soon this is going to happen.
There is no drama here as we have respite care so I have time to go out with friends or do other things.
At the same time I recognize my husband’s needs to have good friends who invite us and vice versa.
Recognize your needs and have them met, create life on your own, join some clubs, interest groups or take short trip at first. You are talking care of your wife for years, I have done the same with every doctor, specialist, going for every test, second opinions, isolation during covid, injuries, surgeries and there is nothing more to do, the rest is beyond my control. Now I have to rebuild my life, I have overwhelming need to move forward, my needs are becoming more important in order to remain happy and able to continue.
First evaluate any family support or children that you may not have even directly asked them to help. Some people may know that you have given your entire life to her care, will commend you for it, and some even toss out a few - do you need anything? Those are the people that you have to directly and specifically ask for help: I would like to spend a week away from home. Can you come and stay with the Mrs? If you have children and there has been ANY discussion of what they will inherit when the two of you are gone, make sure they all know there is about to be large deductions out of the pot of gold.
If this isn't an option - you've asked and been turned down - then it comes down to finances. Can you afford to pay for round the clock care in order to take a week off? If there's children who won't step in to help with caregiving, would they split the cost of 24/7 care so you can get out of the house?
Have you thought about selling the house and moving into a facility with both assisted living and maybe a little higher level of care for wife? Facility type living might work better for both of you - you could walk out the door to enjoy life knowing she has the 24 hr care she needs. You could still visit with her, as a visitor instead of wearing yourself out in the caregiving role. It would keep both of you under the same roof while allowing you some freedom -- and no worrying about keeping up a home/lawn/etc.
Hard decision for you...peace in whatever you decide to do.
Social security and Medicare will not provide enough revenue to provide the utopia they advocate for.
You can only speak from your experiences and your heart. I understand your concerns.
Let your conscience be your guide because you’re the only one who can answer that question.
Did I do the right thing?
The day is rapidly approaching when I too will have to make that choice.
I reached out to my state and county aging services depts. As a result of that call my family member was determined to be a High Priority for services. It has been 3 years now. Just a couple of days ago they made what I suspect is their annual call to determine if the individual is still alive and confirmed that yes they were STILL, a high priority.
Good luck to you Sir.