Things are so much worse. Brother and his wife instructed AL to have me arrested if I participate in mom’s care.
I’ve taken y’all’s advice and stepped back. Up until December when mom lost her dentures. So I ran myself ragged driving her to her dentist on the other side of town 3 times to get her new dentures. During which she started having gastrointestinal problems and inability to swallow. I took her to ER on 12/22 and managed to get her on the schedule with a gastroenterologist which was not easy during holiday. Then on xmas Eve I went to visit and give her the beautiful quilt I made for Christmas. She was in poor shape, diaphoretic, still in nightgown and sick from the contrast CT she had on 12/22. My out of state brother had been to visit her a few hours earlier. When I got ready to leave, she got up, lost her bowels and teetered backwards smashing into the door frame. I ran screaming to the DR for help cause no one was on the floor. Once EMT’s were called I told CNA that I would meet her at the hospital. Lo and behold I learned my brother refused transport because he was already a couple hours away. I was sickened and could not believe people could be so cruel. I had a long-standing trip to see my granddaughter I had not seen in 2-1/2 years due to Covid departing on 12/27 and since she was flat on her back and all she could eat was ice chips I decided to hire a private caregiver to care for her and get her seen by her doctor on Zoom while I was gone. Also 12 employees had resigned, and staff was short due to holiday and Covid. Turns out mom had suffered a T-12 fracture in the fall. My SIL started raising cain and demanded AL get rid of the caregiver which they did not. I paid the caregiver bill with one of mom’s signed checks then all hell broke loose. I ended up reporting to APS the failure of all of them - AL included - to get her medical care.
The private caregiver and me nursed her back to some semblance of health so when APS interviewed her - she threw me under the bus and said she hadn’t required a caregiver. It was determined I violated her rights and my brother, his wife, and APS investigator banished me from the AL under threat of arrest other than visits. I realized I had been scapegoated again. None of the parties involved took responsibility for their failures during her health care crisis. So I’ve stayed distant. But once a scapegoat always a scapegoat - now mom wants me back - asked me to take her to the doctor and the director at AL who had initially told me I was banished is now saying I can take her to the doctor.
I want to know what changed, and when, and who changed it? My brother and SIL who deserted her and absconded with all her money or who? He also hijacked her medical chart so I can no longer communicate with her doctors and he took her out of the care of gastroenterologist that was to do endoscopy to relieve the acid built up in her gut which I believe has led to gastroparesis (she is brittle diabetic). It feels like he has left her in AL to die and tormenting me by the fact that all I can do is come visit and watch her wither.
I am absolutely sick and having physiological illness due to their (all of them) narcissistic abuse. BP sky high, broke out in eczema. I knew they would want me back because he signed her up for another year and transferred her care to in-house quack so as to isolate her and keep me from taking her to her private specialists. But I feel out of self preservation I have to say NO.
Q: why can’t APS and state agencies recognize when a POA is neglectful and why won’t they do something about it? He and his wife have the AL eating out of their hands - it’s all so ugly and I’m distrustful of all of them. I am not going to jail for trying to help my mom. I had to help her because I witnessed the fall. But pleasing her is killing me.
Have you been served with a restraining order?
Were I you I would not be taking ANY part now in Mom's care. Either the brother, who you claims absconded with all the money, or the State would have to assume care. I would be willing to visit. That is all.
You are currently making accusations against a family (your own), an elder at risk (your Mom), State Authorities (APS), and care facilities, and you are telling us that you and you alone are not responsible for anything at all. While certainly ALL THAT YOU TELL US may be the absolute truth, it isn't something for us to investigate or KNOW the truth of.
We can certainly give you our sympathy and I know every one of us does. But there is nothing we can do in this situation.
I wish you the best and wish your Mom the best as well. I hope others have advice for you that will/might be of some use to you. I am so sorry for all of this chaos. I would maintain the distance you created when you say that you "stepped back".
Step away from this train wreck.
They told me “pretend your mom I’d dead & move on with your life”. What a useless agency.
I ended up contacting Alliance for better long term care in my state and they were so helpful and followed up with me all the time.
1. Is your mother in immediate danger of health concerns or death?
2. Please be aware that the AL cannot instruct the police to arrest you. They can only call the police if they think you have broken a law.
3. Be honest with yourself. Have you done anything that could be construed as breaking the law?
4. It's my understanding that if you call 911, an ambulance is sent. Your brother would not have had time to refuse to pay.
5. I am simply not clear on the timeline of events. I think your mother is now in assisted living and you are able to see her.
6. Twillie, I am not a psychologist, but I think you're in crisis. Your mother is now in AL and most likely being cared for. It's time to focus on yourself. It isn't easy to find right now, but you need some therapy or counseling. If you have to, go through a local government agency to see if they can help you out. You won't be able to help your mother until you have achieved some peace yourself. I wish you very well.
TWillie, there used to be court rules (at least in Michigan) for perfecting service on someone who was unavailable, or who was avoiding service. Your attorney should be aware of this; attorneys have to be familiar with court rules.
If someone is evading service, or can't be found, the procedure used to be to publish in a legal newspaper, I believe for a specific number of weeks. It was then presumed to be that the person(s) couldn't be located, but that service had been attempted, and the proceedings could move forward.
Georgia:
"1) Service by publication.
(A) General. When the person on whom service is to be made resides outside the state, or has departed from the state, or cannot, after due diligence, be found within the state, or conceals himself or herself to avoid the service of the summons, and the fact shall appear, by affidavit, to the satisfaction of the judge or clerk of the court, and it shall appear, either by affidavit or by a verified complaint on file, that a claim exists against the defendant in respect to whom the service is to be made, and that he or she is a necessary or proper party to the action, the judge or clerk may grant an order that the service be made by the publication of summons, provided that when the affidavit is based on the fact that the party on whom service is to be made resides outside the state, and the present address of the party is unknown, it shall be a sufficient showing of such fact if the affiant shall state generally in the affidavit that at a previous time such person resided outside this state in a certain place (naming the place and stating the latest date known to affiant when the party so resided there); that such place is the last place in which the party resided to the knowledge of affiant; that the party no longer resides at the place; that affiant does not know the present place of residence of the party or where the party can be found; and that affiant does not know and has never been informed and has no reason to believe that the party now resides in this state; and, in such case, it shall be presumed that the party still resides and remains outside the state, and the affidavit shall be deemed to be a sufficient showing of due diligence to find the defendant. This Code section shall apply to all manner of civil actions, including those for divorce."
https://law.justia.com/codes/georgia/2010/title-9/chapter-11/article-2/9-11-4
Guess who wins in these cases? :-)
"This Code section shall apply to all manner of civil actions, including those for divorce."
If guardianship is considered a civil action in that state, then the condition would apply.
I'm not an attorney, but my recollection from decades of work in law firms as well as governmental agencies is that the primary distinctions of legal applications are civil and criminal, with often extensive breakdowns within those categories.
I wouldn't doubt either that your brother will challenge any proceeding. That's why you should consult with your attorney before reaching that point so the attorney can be prepared to file a PPO (Personal Protective Order) for your mother and you and restrain your brother from contact. It's quicker than a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order) which is usually more strict, but as I remember also required a hearing, which in our court system at the time I got one didn't require any hearing. It's an ex-parte action.
If the PI can't find him, only mom could inform him, correct?
She wants HIM, not you to be in charge, as dumb as that makes her seem.
Can you leave her with her choices?
Your brother isn't being neglectful based on law.
He may not be acting in accordance with your standards but, he is with your mom's and that is the end of it for anyone besides you.
Let her live with her choices and go live your life. I wouldn't even visit her if I was on the menu because I wasn't in the room.
So the AL is in touch with him?
He can order her pain meds withheld?
She will go to a NH that the states sends her to.
She has, over and over, demonstrated her preference for his care.
So, a judge can’t force me to take her into my home - they could put her in a state facility?
I’m telling y’all he will let her die of substandard care in this personal care home (not licensed AL) before he puts her in nursing home. If I assumed guardianship over mom he would laugh all the way to the bank.
I’ve notified her private physicians what is going on but IDK if they can or will intervene. My brother and his wife and the personal care home have isolated her from me and all but one of her doctors (endocrinologist).
I appreciate y’all giving me this much support. I was told by a lawyer that advised me to file for guardianship years ago that it was going to be very hard for me to witness her suffering and that has proven to be true. I will try to self-preserve.
You have to protect yourself from her. She obviously plays mind screw games with you and you keep participating. Stop!
You can have a relationship without being involved with her care, her money, her son or any of the drama. You decide what activity you are going to do with her and spend your visit doing that. Keep it short and sweet. Keep her engaged in something that doesn't allow her to cry about the consequences of her choices. If she starts in, leave, hang up or walk away, you aren't her dumping ground. Don't comment on her situation other then to say, you chose your son to be your POA mom, so he is the only one that can address that for you, sorry. Then let it go. Do this EVERY SINGLE TIME. When she starts complaining and wanting to move, oh mom, I am sorry to hear that, gotta call brother, he's the one that has the authority to help you. Don't comment on the situation, on her son, what you think of him, nothing, just direct her to the source of authority she chose and make yourself absent. Be a broken record with it.
DO NOT try for guardianship. She will devour you, your life, your health, your emotional well-being and probably make a statistic out of you. She made choices that she is now living with the consequences, don't try to save her knowing that she will throw you under the bus as soon as her son shows up.
You are starting to sound a bit unhinged with it all, maybe walking away without a backward glance is what you need for you. I know it's hard when you desire a mother's love but, she doesn't have it to give you, period. You are reaching for a rainbow with her, save yourself.
This means you can move closer to your daughter and grandchild.
You don't have to be in CA to be more accessible for visits. Look into small towns around larger cities in neighboring states.
You will be so busy starting the new season in your life that your mom and her son won't even have any head space.
I am sorry for your losses, we aren't suppose to bury our children but, it happens and we find a way to continue living. You will, as soon as you're not entangled with the BS your mom keeps barfing on you. Right now, you don't have much positive to occupy you, so get busy and create the plan for the way forward. Unplug that Hoover!
Your mother, brother and family situation are abusive.
What kind of care does your therapist suggest?
1. Your brother controls how much medication she gets (according to your recent post).
2. Your brother controls mother's funds.
3. Your mother continues to express a preference for your brother whenever you try to "rescue" her.
4. Your mother sounds extremely manipulative, playing you and brother off each other.
5. Since APS does not see mom's situation as dangerous or neglectful, I would say a fond goodbye to her and stop dancing to their steps.
There is nothing within your "locus of control". If your therapist truly thinks there is something you can do, please ask her directly what she suggests. Perhaps you are misinterpreting what she is saying.
You've done what you can.
There is no excuse for abuse, EVER!
From everything you have shared with us, you have gone so far above and beyond any reasonable expectations to help your mom, only for her to treat you like dirt. That you should feel proud of your efforts, especially because they were not appreciated.
You should ignore these ignorant people that are trying to tell you abuse is acceptable because she's old.
Las Vegas has some great resources for meeting other seniors and since most people are transplants it's easy to make friends there. I was born and raised there and all my birth family still lives there or in the small towns around, Henderson, Boulder City, Pahrump.
I hope you don't feel like I'm getting after you. I'm not. I believe that you matter and you should have some happiness after the turmoil from your mom and her son, on top of your losses.
This new season should be full of potential, not regrets and fear from 2 people that deserve one another but they don't deserve you.
"And yes - he (my estranged brother) is positioned to inherit all her money - that’s why he doesn’t want me involved."
Your mom DISINHERITED you, right?
You need to step away from these folks and make of life of your own.
So mom asks for something.
You need to say "sure, mom. Have brother buy it for you'."
She protests that you need to buy it?
"No mom, I can't afford that. Brother has control of your funds, by your choice. Please get in touch and ask him."
Maybe there's a good explanation for this, but from where I sit, you are being used.
Christian charity only works if the folks you're donating to aren't grifters.
So, she wasn’t coerced into signing the POA - she did it of her own free will. Wish I had known that before I gave a lawyer $5k. I haven’t been allowed to take her out of the facility since she signed it in January. The one time I did I got written authorization from my brother, then when I wanted to take her to lunch on Mother’s Day he said no. I’m not doing this anymore - not submitting to narcissists. Done!
As hard as this is to hear - I think you know what you ultimately have to do here. It won't be easy. This is your mom, of course it wouldn't be. In spite of everything, she's your mother and you feel what you feel. But you also have to protect yourself. You don't have the natural protection that your brother does and you haven't built up defenses against her. She knows the weaknesses in your walls. She knows you are a good person who will help her when she needs it. So you have a choice to make. How many times are you going to let her throw you under the bus and go running to him and how many times are you going to let her put your life in jeopardy? (by this I mean your professional, financial, reputational, mental health, physical health) Narcs GLORY in the control they have over their children. She built that with intent when you were a child to use it against you right now. But only you get to decide how long you are going to let her use that against you.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Call the lawyer and tell him you have no interest in pursuing guardianship.
Send a letter to the "home" mom is in and tell them to contact your brother with any requests. Mother clearly has his contact information.
Block your mother's phone number. Send cards from your new location if you feel the need.
GOOD FOR YOU 😎😎 time to let go, walk away..they are all playing you…
So, she wasn’t coerced into signing the POA - she did it of her own free will. Wish I had known that before I gave a lawyer $5k. I haven’t been allowed to take her out of the facility since she signed it in January. The one time I did I got written authorization from my brother, then when I wanted to take her to lunch on Mother’s Day he said no. I’m not doing this anymore - not submitting to narcissists. Done!
In which case, you would be financially responsible not only for YOUR lawyer, but for HER lawyer's fees and all court costs.
The fact that APS does nothing means that mom is competent enough to call the shots.
You CAN'T help folks who don't want your help. If you need an instructive book about this issue, read Liz Scheier's "Never Simple". A heartbreaking tale, similar to yours. Liz saved herself, as should you.
Step away before they totally destroy you, TW.
The decades long struggle of that gal to help a mother who not only didn't WANT her help, but who wasn't mentally able to avail herself of the help of ANYONE, was just excruciating.
I would bet you anything that the friends of the author of that book told her over and over again that she could not help, yet for decades, almost until the death of her Mom, the author tried and tried and it had serious repercussions on her own life (tho made a great book).
TWillie has told us that she feels that she cannot visit to discuss with Mom and bro and SIL, that they are "looking for an excuse to arrest" her.
I always wonder what the story would be "on the other side" in these long affairs, as threats of arrest don't come out of the blue normally, and APS has already been drawn into this and found no case.
I got a private message note from TW telling me that she doesn't want my opinion, so clearly I have stepped on yet another toe in the Forum, but there is really not a whole lot one can do to help in some cases, and in many I suspect our sympathy holds people back in the mire they are stuck in.
I am leaving TW to your kind sympathy and butting out of this thread. Too bad I don't read responses very often to comments, or I would have known that was her wish April 14th!
Better late than never.
Wish all well.
"It’s been a while since I’ve posted cause I’ve been sticking to my guns and seeing my mom every 3 weeks. Started my new job - my main focus- on my feet 6-8 hours a day very hard to adjust to. Went to visit my mom today (after I went to the cemetery to put flowers on my son’s grave) and she was clearly antagonist from the moment I walked in the door. She’s angry cause I’m not bringing her back to my house for a festive Easter holiday which includes taking her to HER church, spending the night then me driving her home tomorrow. We’re talking at least 180 mile trip. I was going to take her out today for dinner - well that wasn’t enough. I’m sorry, I don’t color eggs and make coconut cakes anymore. My husband and my son are dead. My daughter and grandchildren are in other states. I don’t cook - I eat on a TV tray except for the occasional meal out which would have been a treat and we could have enjoyed if she wasn’t so rigid. She told me that she don’t know why she asked me to come, that she could gave gotten SIL to take her to the store and that I think I’m too good to go to her curch. So I left. Somehow I don’t think Jesus would want families to fight over how and where they are going to spend their time together IF they even do - on Resurrection Sunday."
There is NO reason for you to torture yourself trying to please this person. For whatever reason--mental health issues most likely--she is incapable of love.
I'm a guardian and conservator. There's a lot of oversight when it comes to conservatorship. In my particular case, funds have to go into a special bank account that is approved by the court. The bank itself keeps a close eye on what's going out of the account. The court requires me to pay all bills by check (which is not possible, of course, because many places do not take checks). I am not allowed to pay any recurring bills electronically, per both the court and the bank. What I can't pay for with a check goes on a credit card that I reserve only for her expenses. I reimburse myself with a check, but I have to provide copies of all receipts to the court, and they have to clearly be for my LO's care. I have to provide copies of all canceled checks. If I fail to account for some expense, or the judge doesn't agree with the purchase, I have to reimburse the estate. I cannot write a check over a certain amount. I cannot pay any one person or service provider more than a certain amount. I cannot sell large property without the judge approving of the purchase price. In some states, the judge tells you the amount you can spend on care items per month, and if you need to go over that amount, you have to get permission. And permission can take weeks, since the courts are all backed up from COVID (still).
Of course, laws vary state to state, but generally conservatorship comes with a big list of things you cannot do. There are checks and balances in place to prevent a conservator from just running away with someone's money. And yes, it's not foolproof. But the courts are not naive. This is not their first rodeo.
The Britney Spears case really did a disservice to conservators because it gave the public the idea that it's just a way for unscrupulous people to profit from their family members. In actuality, the courts make it pretty hard to do that, which is a good thing. Although sometimes the amount of red tape makes it hard to do the job.
I am so glad to have your update, and glad you are taking care of yourself.