I love my parents dearly, both in their late 70’s, both in remarkable health with no mobility or serious health issues that I am aware of. When we married almost 30 years ago, my husband and I planned to build our forever home on a small plot of land we had. My parents were planning their retirement at the time and approached us offering to help build (Dad was a carpenter) a bigger property in return for their being allowed to build an in-law apartment and live rent free there. This changed our small home plans, hubby and I sold the small land parcel, bought over 20 acres. With Dad’s help we built a 6000 sf home complete with separate living quarters for my parents that included a 1.5 bath, two bedroom apartment with full kitchen, pantry, living room, and a den. We shared a laundry room and we gave them a portion of the basement. They paid their own electric/expenses and their portion of the property taxes. We’ve lived pretty much in harmony together. My parents retired early, already had a seasonal camp where they spent a good portion of the Summer/Fall. They then purchased a residence in Florida where they stayed from Nov to April. The years went by and were good to us all, our children grown and moved away. My husband and I getting older began to experience the burden of having such a big property for just the two of us. We discussed with my parents several years ago plans to retire and wanting to downsize. We always included them in our plans of doing so, but no house plan was big enough for their accumulation of things or in an area suitable for them, bringing us right back to square one of needing a big house. We stopped discussing our plans for a while to give them time to accept that we were getting older too and wanted to enjoy the same freedoms they had, once we retired, without being tied down to a large property. My husband and I slowly started weeding out our possessions and selling our things in preparation. My parents never did. Finally, two years ago, we told them point blank we would be be retiring in three years and we will need to downsize. Together, we all resumed the search for housing accommodations where we could all live together, but my parents still wanted more land and space than my husband and I felt practical, both financially and physically. Fast forward, telling people they were going to be homeless, they sold their camp and their Florida property and purchased an old fixer upper several hours away and have been slowly moving their massive accumulation of possessions to their new home in stages. My husband and I then began the process of renovating a much smaller home more suited to our needs and initially were happy about the prospect of retirement and living completely alone for the first time in our married life. Giving my parents ample time to sort and organize, they continue to drag out the process making sure we’re aware how hard it is for them, The guilt trips are constant as my parents make a point to tell us how difficult this is for them, how old and tired they are, but then tell us we’re doing the right thing. I have another sibling who has had no hand in their care nor do they plan to. I am so consumed with guilt, hurt and anger, all happiness of retirement has gone out the window. My parents are normally loving, generous and supportive. I understand it is difficult for them, especially at their age, but we truly tried to make accommodations where we could all stay together and they went off and did their own thing, which I think they now regret. They continue to tell us they did so out of fear of “being homeless”. We would never allow my parents to be homeless, they had two other properties as it was! Thank goodness my husband has been so supportive and has kept his cool with them, though I know he feels horrible as well. I feel selfish for getting old too, this is not how we envisioned our golden years to be. Anyone have any advice? Am I just a horrible, selfish daught
Stop feeling sad, heartbroken and guilty and start feeling angry now. See this situation for what it is, a manipulative and passive-aggressive way to get you to play the game THEY want you to play by THEIR rules. Instead of speaking to you as adults from the very beginning, they had to freak out and accuse you of leaving them homeless, forcing them into making a rash decision. For once, they're on their own, accountable for the decisions they made, and scared to death. The reality is, all they have to do is get rid of most of their "stuff" and the burden would be lifted from their shoulders. But actions have consequences, they're finding, so let them flail around like fish on the beach until they come to you in a reasonable manner, wanting to change.
In the meantime, move forward with your own plans sans parents and enjoy your retirement, alone, as it should be. There's no reason for you to feel guilty.....your parents are in the wrong here, not you.
Best of luck to you.
You and your husband are LONG overdue to live your lives as you see fit and by yourselves, and not how your parents see fit or with them
Time to stop the unhealthy enmeshment that you apparently have had for far too long with your parents, and time to put your husband and marriage before your selfish parents, and enjoy your well deserved retirement.
Tell you parents if all this moving and sorting of their hoard is just too much for them that they can hire a moving company with their own money to do that for them and that they can start donating or throwing away the multitude of things that they actually don't need and will never again use.
Now go enjoy your alone time with your husband and your retirement, and quit allowing your selfish parents to suck you into their unhappiness.
Americans tend to romanticize retirement and aging. Then when reality hits, it is a double whammy. Please resist romanticizing it for you and your husband as well. Do not expect any of your kids to do what you and your husband did. Good for you for downsizing. Maybe consider therapy if you can't stop feeling guilty. Think of it as grief, since nothing stays the same forever. Once you're out of your parents' realm of guilting and shaming you'll experience a whole new sense of freedom.
Please, you have been more than fair in this situation. You have given them very generous time to do what they have to to make arrangements. If it drags out much longer, if it was me, I would consider giving them a date by which everything needs to be out so that you can do what you have to do to list the house. If they balk or cannot do it, if you can afford it, it maybe worth considering offering to hire movers for them (that they choose after getting three bids and reviewing them with you, so they can’t blame you for any breakage, etc). Or offer to split the cost…
Their needs for care will eventually escalate and at least now you will not be put into the position of daily care (I am sure you would not allow this at this point when the time comes. Assisted living, in home care help, etc is something they can avail themselves of). I’ll just bet that that is why they are so angry—they probably planned that when they could no longer be independent, you and your husband would be live in caregivers, sacrificing your healthy retirement years in exchange for their initial contribution for the house.
Praying for peace for you and your husband, and eventual reconciliation with your parents.
It's normal to feel hurt and angry when they are acting this way. Put away the guilt. You don't deserve it. You bent over backwards for your parents and let them know years ago you needed a change. If one day for no reason you just up and said, "Get out this minute" and they had no where to go, then yes, you could feel guilty. However, your parents have a place to go to and the money to care for their own needs. It's your retirement. Enjoy it. You might want to plan a nice trip for you and your husband as soon as you get fully moved into your new home. It might also help to journal your journey. It will allow you to look back and see that you took the right steps and have no reason to feel guilty. That helped me a lot when my mom insisted that I was selfish for asking to be treated decently.
Sorry that such a seemingly good thing for your younger years has now turned into a sad situation. I agree with others' point of view regarding how they evidently had everything planned out for you and dh to take care of them. Sad
No advice whatsoever!
Housing markets have an inherent sales cycle when houses sell quickly and for top price. In most areas this is spring through summer. If that's the case where you are, at this point you risk missing the opportunity to sell in a reasonable amount of time unless you list soon.
Call one or more realtors this week, and decide which one will list your home, and when. TELL (don't ask) your parents the date they need to have the apartment empty so you can do the touchups. TELL them that you have a moving company scheduled to come that day, and that they can pack up in advance and supervise the loading into the truck, or you will pay the movers extra to pack the boxes. Either way, the van will then drive to their home and deliver all of their belongings to them. They can then unpack their boxes according to their own time, without the inconvenience and distraction of having to drive back and forth one carload at a time.
If they're mature and reasonable, they will accept this, cooperate, and even offer to pay. However that sounds unlikely. But it will be worth the cost to have this part of the process done, plus you'll get the benefit of selling the house sooner, so the cost will balance out if you end up having to cover the bill.
I'm sorry this is so emotionally difficult. But they are stuck in a teenage mindset, unfortunately. That is in no way your fault.
All of the kind and insightful responses on this forum have addressed just about every current issue we’ve been dealing with. I so appreciate everyone’s input.