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Because you've become one. ... Tell her you're looking for volunteers. Or find a happy medium: I wash, you fold; I sweep, you mop. Nothing like putting her money where her mouth is.
I stopped cleaning my Mom's house 2 years ago because she would accuse me of moving her Knick-Knacks around or worse,"stealing" them. As it would turn out, she would find the missing stuff right where SHE last left it,but forgot. Yoga girl is right, when you stop doing the extra's, she gets real nice.
YANAAnna-I don't have the $ to pay for my mother being in assisted living. My father, step-mother, and maternal aunt(and husband). Refuse to get involved, and say she is fine. My middle second-cousin(who lived locally, for twenty-five years, but moved out-of-state several years ago), also refuses to help.
"housekeeping services from Veteran's Affairs" - I never heard of this - anyone know anything about it? My Dad pretty much applies for any VA benefit but not this one, could sure use it.
Well Blooop hasn't responded, but he/she certainly brought up a problem a lot of people experience! I think such treatment must be especially hurtful from a parent who was always critical. I was "Daddy's little girl," and so when dementia, pain, fear and frustration caused him to act mean, I could shrug it off or tell him off without getting really upset.
With my husband, it's different, because he's a good guy, mostly, but he never adored me or treated me like the center of his life. He treats me sorta like a maid, and always has. But I cut him a lot of slack. Sometimes I scream at him, but not as often as he "deserves."
I know that he lost his mother in a divorce as a little boy, and was bounced around from house to house. I know he was seldom showered with love, so he has a hard time showing it. I know he feels afraid and ashamed of his loss of abilities. I know that asking for things makes him feel less of a man. I know that when he feels like that, he's unhappy. So I usually let him get away with ordering me around more than I did before the disease. I don't let him yell at me, but I try not to take it personally. Of course, I don't necessarily obey!
I guess my point is that if it is a power struggle, it will be a bitter fight. If you can be gracious without lying down to be beaten, if you can have compassion, it's not so hard to let them feel like they are winning. If they can be happy, they are easier to live with. But if you have been kicked all your life, I know that compassion can be pretty hard to scrape up.
Remember to love yourself, because you deserve it.
My Mother in law has been entitled her whole life. Unfortunately, she has always been controlling and demanding to her children. My sister in law would put her first before her children and husband. She actually wanted to move in with my husband and I. She put alot of stress on my husband and myself. I know your dynamic is different however, mabe assisted living community would be helpful. As people age they either become graceful or their become issues worse. I would try and keep some sort of distance if you can. Just always remember you are doing a great job. Dont let anyone discredit you for that.
Usually the carer gets treated the worst. Better than a friend who might visit. And why? Bc we're the one who have to say take your meds, get a bath and eat your meals.
Incredible parallels to my own situation here, especially the reference to a parent giving so much praise and affection to the caregiver who unplugged the toilet. My 96 year old mother gave her jewelry to her health aide, despite the fact that I have been financial and physical caregiver to my mom for the last 15 years, and she now lives with me. One good thing about that though. By doing that she has forever removed any sense of guilt i ever felt for failing to meet her frequently unrealistic expectations. I also make myself scarce a lot. The nagging question is, when did i fall from being the best thing that ever happened to her to just the girl who feeds the cats and takes out the garbage? Have to admit that, in my heart,that is what really hurts.
LindaSusan-I have done that, more than once. It isn't a matter of what she can, and can't do herself. It is a matter of her not respecting me, while she respects everyone else. Somehow, My going in the bathroom triggers her memory. But she doesn't want to wait when she remembers something that has to do with the bathroom. I had previously mentioned how I was in the middle of my shower, and she wanted to come in the bathroom to get it. Without waiting until I was done with my shower and dressed.
She admitted the last time. That she could have waited. This time I verbally snapped at my mother. Because, I am almost afraid to go into the bathroom for anything. She is annoying. Because she doesn't do this to anyone else, but me.
As for your 'toddler' supposition. That is too kind, and actually an excuse for her persistent behavior.
I know there are programs for people with 'disabilities'. But I am not 'disabled enough', to qualify. I do have short-term memory, eye-hand coordination, and fine-motor skill, problems as a result of multiple(needed) brain surgeries as a child . I am a former FTE(Full-Time Employee) with the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. I worked there for four years. Before I quit because of stress. While I can't drive(nor do I want to) a car. My main mode of transportation is my 20-Speed (road)racing bike. I ride 20-35mph in high-speed traffic. I can also play the drums. Both of those, are despite the eye-hand coordination, fine-motor skills, and epilepsy. I even went to night school, while working at the U.S. Government. But I had to drop out. Because it was causing to have to get up at 5am, and not get to sleep until 1am.
I have lived on my own. 1992-2000 I was married. She left in 1997. But begged me not to divorce her. I finally did. 1999-2002, I had apartment roommates. 2002-2007 I lived with my (ex)fiance 1,000mi. away in another state. That was some of the best years of my life. When I had gran-mal seizures on two separate occasions, my (ex)fiance didn't screw around. She promptly got me help. My (ex)wife just wanted my (physical)health problems to "go away". When I had a seizure in front of her in bed during the marriage. She freaked and ran out of the bedroom.
SendMe2help-When it comes to 'housekeeping', my mother is a packrat. She has been that way for decades. I do my part with cleaning the kitchen. But, She has hired a maid to come in occasionally. Not because of me. But because of herself. I have been 'putting my foot down', now. About her unreasonable demands. Not in terms of the original 'request'. But in terms of her not understanding the need for my prioritizing the request. When I have other things that need doing outside the house and are not contingent on daylight or the overall weather.
foxxmolder-Thank you for that reminder.
Salisbury-That is the problem. Every time, she puts' a 'now' label on it. Regardless of what I already had planned. I have been putting my foot down about it.
Has your mother always treated you this way...or is this new behavior? I don't put up with any abuse from my father...he's 91 yrs old. Just tell her you don't like it and won't talk to her again until she stops it!!
For 7 years I felt like and unpaid servant for my mother, 24/7. Now in assisted living she has 5 people at whim.Then they go home after their shift is over. I get more sleep and she continues to mom on.
bloop, I'm wondering if you drew up a schedule with all the tasks on certain days or at certain times. Then when your mother demands you do something, you can reply, "No, we do that such and such a day, at such and such a time." That wouldn't leave her much room for arguing with you, and the chores would be accomplished on your schedule.
If you read a list of Alzheimer's symptoms, you'll see "lack of empathy" on the list. This includes having an inability to see things from anyone else's perspective. The Alzheimer's patient will become totally self centered. If she needs something, she'll see no reason why you shouldn't provide it. If she wants a drink of water, she'll just say "give it to me". No please and thank you. No consideration if you are busy. Just do it. If this person wants some cola from the grocery store, they'll call and order you to go get it. The fact that it's the middle of the night, and you were asleep when they called has no meaning for them. They CANNOT see it from your point of view; only their own. If they want something, then their having that something is the only thing that is wanted. By anyone. In their minds you, and everyone else in the world wants her to have what she wants, now. Empathy is required for a person to factor in the needs, desires and abilities, and most importantly, feelings of others. When empathy is gone you become a mere "thing" to that Alzheimer's person. A thing has no needs, desires, or feelings. And that is how they treat you. ...What to do about it, I don't know. Knowing this helped me understand how my sweet, kind and caring father turned into a self centered, inconsiderate, demanding and thankless dictator. But that doesn't help deal with the situation when you have to put up with it for years and years. I was never able to get him to realize that he was not the center of the universe; and it never got easier.
Well, all of the explanations here are helpful and make sense.
But I can dd this: you don't need to become a slave. I have found it helpful with my other 90 and my husband 82 to tell them that I will take care of it, look into it, put it on the schedule, etc.
Once they know that they have been heard, that I am aware of it, that it will be taken care of, they are fine. I don't need to execute orders on a dime.
Also,it is really helping me to not take things so seriously. So this behavior is crazy making. So what? Just record it in your joke book and laugh it off.
Arianne, oh, the poor guy. But, if I may say, all the more reason for a bit of humor in the whole situation.
Here is another look at the situation. An adult living with a parent should be keepng up their chores without being asked, or reminded. This causes distress to the elderly person. There may be a difference in expectations going on.
If an adult child is also disabled and cannot meet the parent's needs, but this overload is still expected, then bringing in help is necessary. Start with housekeeping help. imop.
How your mother treats you is her issue. Don't stand for it, no one needs abuse. Walk away. One could always respond, "I cannot possibly do that".
Now, go take a look in the mirror, are you sure you are standing up straight, smiling, like a self-respecting adult? Good luck to you!
Chris56, were you able to work out the problem she has with this? Did you get a resolution you both could live with? Did she say why she does this? Is she afraid or just annoying, she sounds like a toddler who gets worried Mom isn't coming back, mom has disappeared, and I don't know and need reassurance she is coming back to be with me, could this be her issue?
Tell her to stop her annoying and unneeded talk! Set down YOUR rules and don't do anything she can do herself, don't enable her rudeness by not telling her what she is doing and acting towards you. Stop being her child, remember you are responsible, kind adult. You deserve more from life than what you are doing, please take good care of yourself first.
This morning. Right after I locked the bathroom door(my mother would have come in, if I hadn't done that), in order to use the bathroom, not even take a shower yet. She suddenly says through the bathroom door:
Mother: "I need to do something" Me: "WHY!!!" Mother: "To take a measurement" Me: "I am going the bathroom!!!" Mother: "Thank you for your patience"(sarcasm)
She doesn't do this to anyone else, but me.
Her father had a justification for being ornery before he died at 63, a month before my 9th(1976) and his 64th birthday. He was ill with Alzheimers. He would yell for the police, and my younger brother n' I would come running in his room dressed like the ;local police.
My mother doesn't have Alzheimers. I have actually talked to her before, about this problem of suddenly needing something in the bathroom when I am about to use the bathroom. She doesn't do it to my brother, or sister-in-law, or their kids. When they are in from the West Coast. She doesn't do it to my father or step-mother when they come over(they live locally), or my sister-in-laws parents'(they also live locally). She just does it to me.
The accounts posted here about how parents with dementia sometimes treat their adult children makes me grateful that for most of the 12 years my father cared for my mother with dementia, he never told me how she treated him. We lived far from each other and I was busy raising rebellious teenagers at the time. The only thing he confided to me was that one time, my sweet, tiny, frail mother pulled a knife on him.
I am an only child and have a very controlling and domineering 89 year old mother. She has always been this way. Thank goodness I do not live with her. I am still working with a counselor on several challenging issues, but I have learned one thing--not to permit her to talk to me like I am her slave. I am not rude; just firm; i.e., "I need you to speak to me respectfully." Maybe you need to tell her you will be going out for awhile and hope that she can be more appropriate and appreciative when you return. Don't jump when she demands you must do something. You do not deserve this treatment but the only one that can change it is you--I am learning that the hard way. It is the toughest work I have ever done. Stand up to her--you can be respectful and nice when you do it, but don't take that kind of verbal abuse anymore. I hope this helps--please let us know how things are going.
If mom treated the caregiver or cleaning lady the way you describe, they would quit. I am extra polite to them because I never want to offend them. Our moms are comfortable with us and we are familiar. Limit contact when she mistreats you. I make myself real scarce sometimes. Amazing how sweet they can be when they miss you.
And yes, my father has someone come in every three weeks to clean up his apartment, thank heaven. He likes her cheerful disposition and hasn't a clue what she does. It's money well-spent.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
but, as jinx said, "he/she certainly brought up a problem a lot of people experience"
With my husband, it's different, because he's a good guy, mostly, but he never adored me or treated me like the center of his life. He treats me sorta like a maid, and always has. But I cut him a lot of slack. Sometimes I scream at him, but not as often as he "deserves."
I know that he lost his mother in a divorce as a little boy, and was bounced around from house to house. I know he was seldom showered with love, so he has a hard time showing it. I know he feels afraid and ashamed of his loss of abilities. I know that asking for things makes him feel less of a man. I know that when he feels like that, he's unhappy. So I usually let him get away with ordering me around more than I did before the disease. I don't let him yell at me, but I try not to take it personally. Of course, I don't necessarily obey!
I guess my point is that if it is a power struggle, it will be a bitter fight. If you can be gracious without lying down to be beaten, if you can have compassion, it's not so hard to let them feel like they are winning. If they can be happy, they are easier to live with. But if you have been kicked all your life, I know that compassion can be pretty hard to scrape up.
Remember to love yourself, because you deserve it.
She admitted the last time. That she could have waited. This time I verbally snapped at my mother. Because, I am almost afraid to go into the bathroom for anything. She is annoying. Because she doesn't do this to anyone else, but me.
As for your 'toddler' supposition. That is too kind, and actually an excuse for her persistent behavior.
I know there are programs for people with 'disabilities'. But I am not 'disabled enough', to qualify. I do have short-term memory, eye-hand coordination, and fine-motor skill, problems as a result of multiple(needed) brain surgeries as a child . I am a former FTE(Full-Time Employee) with the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. I worked there for four years. Before I quit because of stress. While I can't drive(nor do I want to) a car. My main mode of transportation is my 20-Speed (road)racing bike. I ride 20-35mph in high-speed traffic. I can also play the drums. Both of those, are despite the eye-hand coordination, fine-motor skills, and epilepsy. I even went to night school, while working at the U.S. Government. But I had to drop out. Because it was causing to have to get up at 5am, and not get to sleep until 1am.
I have lived on my own. 1992-2000 I was married. She left in 1997. But begged me not to divorce her. I finally did. 1999-2002, I had apartment roommates. 2002-2007 I lived with my (ex)fiance 1,000mi. away in another state. That was some of the best years of my life. When I had gran-mal seizures on two separate occasions, my (ex)fiance didn't screw around. She promptly got me help. My (ex)wife just wanted my (physical)health problems to "go away". When I had a seizure in front of her in bed during the marriage. She freaked and ran out of the bedroom.
SendMe2help-When it comes to 'housekeeping', my mother is a packrat. She has been that way for decades. I do my part with cleaning the kitchen. But, She has hired a maid to come in occasionally. Not because of me. But because of herself. I have been 'putting my foot down', now. About her unreasonable demands. Not in terms of the original 'request'. But in terms of her not understanding the need for my prioritizing the request. When I have other things that need doing outside the house and are not contingent on daylight or the overall weather.
foxxmolder-Thank you for that reminder.
Salisbury-That is the problem. Every time, she puts' a 'now' label on it. Regardless of what I already had planned. I have been putting my foot down about it.
Doingbestican-That is an eye-opener, thanks!!
But I can dd this: you don't need to become a slave. I have found it helpful with my other 90 and my husband 82 to tell them that I will take care of it, look into it, put it on the schedule, etc.
Once they know that they have been heard, that I am aware of it, that it will be taken care of, they are fine. I don't need to execute orders on a dime.
Also,it is really helping me to not take things so seriously. So this behavior is crazy making. So what? Just record it in your joke book and laugh it off.
Arianne, oh, the poor guy. But, if I may say, all the more reason for a bit of humor in the whole situation.
Good luck!
No One Can Take Advantage of You if YOU LET THEM.
If an adult child is also disabled and cannot meet the parent's needs, but this overload is still expected, then bringing in help is necessary. Start with housekeeping help. imop.
How your mother treats you is her issue. Don't stand for it, no one needs abuse. Walk away. One could always respond, "I cannot possibly do that".
Now, go take a look in the mirror, are you sure you are standing up straight, smiling, like a self-respecting adult? Good luck to you!
Mother: "I need to do something"
Me: "WHY!!!"
Mother: "To take a measurement"
Me: "I am going the bathroom!!!"
Mother: "Thank you for your patience"(sarcasm)
She doesn't do this to anyone else, but me.
Her father had a justification for being ornery before he died at 63, a month before my 9th(1976) and his 64th birthday. He was ill with Alzheimers. He would yell for the police, and my younger brother n' I would come running in his room dressed like the ;local police.
My mother doesn't have Alzheimers. I have actually talked to her before, about this problem of suddenly needing something in the bathroom when I am about to use the bathroom. She doesn't do it to my brother, or sister-in-law, or their kids. When they are in from the West Coast. She doesn't do it to my father or step-mother when they come over(they live locally), or my sister-in-laws parents'(they also live locally). She just does it to me.
or cleaning lady the way you describe,
they would quit.
I am extra polite to them
because I never want to offend them. Our moms
are comfortable with us and we are familiar.
Limit contact when she mistreats you.
I make myself real scarce sometimes.
Amazing how sweet they can be when they miss you.