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So sorry that you are having to endure this hurtful and demeaning behaviour!
This may be obvious, but have you spoken to her doctor? It seems that a lot of these doctors put them on the same regimen of pills for years without any review of them whatsoever - and if your mother sees a doctor on her own she will not be able to run down the list of them nor tell him/her how they are affecting her.
Maybe it's a good time for a review with the doctor and you and your mother to see if any of her medications are causing this frightening and adverse behaviour?
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AndreaAnna The things that are going on for everyone here, are just simply put horrible. Our parent is losing sometimes in little bits, then other times in leaps and bounds. How the heck are we suppose to know how to handle ourselves in this situation. This is truely a learn as we go. I am so sad you have to go thru all of this. I too face some really hurtful situations. I too remove myself from the room. Then I write in my "Mom" journal. I can vent there, as I do here. I am sad to watch this woman who gave me life is slowly going away. I see a therapist. If your budget will allow I would suggest you go. I found out alot about myself and my birth family. These people are very "toxic" to me, but I made this commitment to care for my mother, but ultimately we family member caregivers need to take care ourselves first. This is not selfish, this is called surviving the demons that belong to our parents. My mother is very angry she got old and she out lived her body and she takes this out on us. I have to walk away from her on her "bad" days. I care about what happens to her, but I am not here for her to verbally beat up on me because she can not control the aging process. I pray I will embrace my aging with a smile and a sense of comic relief when it is my turn. You are in my prayers for peace.
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My mother also went through a terrible period of craziness. She thought so many things I wont list them, but she ended up locking herself in her room thinking different family members were going to kill her & she would refuse to talk to some of us saying we were dead or something else. We got her to hospital & they put her on anti -psychotic drug & it helped for almost 6 years. We had to call an ambulance & force her into hospital though. I had her medical power of attoney & was able to do this with support from family. She remembers some of it. She says she "woke " up after starting the meds. We call it her crazy time. After almost 6 years it started again. Trying new medication & it seems to help. I am praying for you. It is hard.
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Apologies for all the typos in my message above. Hopefully you can still understand what I wrote.
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I think this is the hardest part of taking care of someone with dementia. Not only do you lose the person you love, but now are caring for someone who is often mean and very hurtful to you. The advice everyone is giving you is good: walk away for a bit if you can and then try to change the subject when you come back, etc. My husband often completely forgets what happened within a short period of time and then acts very affectionate. It is hard for me because, of course, I haven't forgotten. Sometimes I involuntarily flinch when he reaches out to me. I try to suppress this reflexive behavior and act as though I too do not remember what happened just a short time ago but it isn't easy. I spend a lot of time crying but try to distract myself by getting into an interesting novel or a movie so that I can focus on something other than how hurt I feel. This experiencing of caring for my husband of over 30 years is the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life (and I have had to deal with some very difficult things). If possible, try to get away and do things that you enjoy with support friends. If not, even the book or TV break helps a little.
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I can fully appreciate how totally devastated you must feel. What a horrible, gutting accusation to hurl at you, and it most certainly leaves you feeling powerless and frightened. I have had my horror experiences and know that others have gone through these kind of things, that helps me somehow. The best thing is to distract her and move away from her for a bit. This is a learning experience, we aren't taught how to care for someone we love that has this disease, we learn by trial and error, it is hard to see the person who took care of us become the person we must take care of, role reversal is a psychological trip in of itself. First don't beat up on yourself, throw any guilt in the bin and take care of yourself first and foremost. It hurts a lot till you find a way to deal with it, then it is something you can take in stride when you find what works for you and her. I know I have found many of my mother's demons and had to struggle with them to free us both, this is an ongoing journey.
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I was told it's the disease and not your mother. My mother has dementia and is in a nursing home but when I visit she treats me differently than the people who care for her there. She is very mean and nasty towards me. I was told to leave too when she gets like this. Also change the subject matter, start doing
something else to distract the behavior. You see your mother but it's not the mother you used to know. Good luck to both of us.
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AndreaAnn, I feel for you because I am in the same doghouse as you tonight. Most people would probably be horrified if they knew what we went through at times. The accusation that you were having relations with you father are terrible, and I know they hurt and frightened you. Living on the defense is a terrible way to live. I wish I had some good advice for you. Do you have any idea what the best thing for you would be? I don't know if your mother is like this all the time or if it is just occasional. Tonight was very bad for you. I think you did the best thing you could in just getting away from her.
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