Hi guys, my mom is alone this morning in her apartment while my dad went to the doctor with my husband. Don't say it, why is my sick husband taking my dad. Anyway, I'm avoiding going up to pacify her. She just called me and said, if you come up, call me first because the door is unlocked, and I'll get scared when you come in. First, I have the key, 2nd of all, why is the door not locked, and 3rd they have a dog and 4th there's a concierge in the building. In Florida, there was no concierge, and every courier can enter without a key fob and when she was alone, they left the door unlocked in case EMS had to get in and she was alone because snowbirds weren't there. What is her problem? I should know the answer - I'm 8 floors down from her. Her mother was so much more independent. I'm like my grandmother, independent and loves to putter. My mother was the most independent woman in the world; owned businesses, entertained, traveled etc. until my dad retired. Then she sat in the car and let him go supermarket shopping, etc. Then she got both knees operated on and never did therapy and used a walker because she was afraid of falling. She made herself depend on other people. That's why I'm not going upstairs right now. Plus, she once again sounds moody (she's already upset that I didn't run up there). She has been "pouty" all her life. So once again, please tell me I'm doing the right thing until I see a therapist?
Don’t hang a map or anything on the walls , they aren’t staying there. Even Dad said it was a mistake. Don’t put any holes in the walls , you’ll just have to fix them when they move out . Get Dad to agree , this is temporary , no fancy decorating. Let Dad shut Mom down . He needs to step up and put his foot down , mom needs guard rails .
Few of us are interested in this dysfunctional Italian Waltons drama just because it’s so interesting, Furthermore, your “advice seeking” follows a predictive loop in which mommy is mean to you, you then make a face back, and then tell us all about it. You’re even recycling and retelling items. The mistake about them not going into al? The “womb” comment? You’ve said it all before.
At least own it.
Right now, you are pouring gasoline on the flames of your mother's personality disorder.
It’s counterproductive to Romeo’s mental health to “ change her mindset “ and continue to be at her mother’s beck and call. Romeo has been taken advantage of , abused by, and financially supporting her immature mentally ill mother for decades .
Romeo is in this current situation because she allowed her mother to guilt trip her out of going to AL . Therapy is the answer . People have to earn love and kindness .
Go to therapy Romeo, where you will get GOOD advice , rather than this guilt trip .
I don't think you will because you're in a pattern that you don't seem to know how to break. It doesn't have to be this way.
Firstly, please know that you can't change your parents. If you really want to change your life, you have to change yourself.
1) Stop caring about what your mum says to you. She's not annoying you - you're allowing her to annoy you. You have control.
2) Develop some non-commital phrases to answer your mum when she makes comments that you find annoying. Such as:
"Of course!" in an upbeat/surprised tone.
"Really!" in the same tone.
Or just "Okay" or "Oh well" in the same resigned, but not judgemental, tone.
Then say goodbye. Don't elaborate. Don't allow any situation to expand. You have control.
3) Either cut short the neighbours' calls, or don't answer, or block their calls, or change your number. Whatever seems appropriate. But you don't have to have conversations that depress you. You can stop it. You have control.
4) Build boundaries. You live in the same building, but you have your own home and your parents have theirs. When you visit, make sure that it is a visit and that you are a visitor. Their home is not an extension of yours and vice versa. Make yourself aware of this and don't get roped into visiting more than you want to. It's up to you whether you go up to their flat or not, and you don't need to explain yourself. You have control.
5) Don't prop up your parents if they really can't manage in their own home. Your mum sounds as if she's confused and she is becoming afraid. Sorry, I don't know much about you - if she hasn't already been diagnosed, she could have dementia. That would explain her talking about the unlocked door and feeling scared in her own home. If they can't cope without extraordinary measures on your part, you should stop enabling them and help them to be placed somewhere more suitable. You don't have to be their safety net. You have control.
6) Lastly, you need to develop your own life. It shouldn't revolve around your husband; neither of you can foretell the future, so you both need a support network outside your marriage. Get out, join clubs, make friends. Stop fixating on your mother's behaviour and find other things to do with your time. That would also help to break your mum's hold on you. You have control.
We cannot control other people's behaviour, only our reactions to them.
You have control, so take it.
Romeo is her mother's daughter: they're cut from the same cloth. Nothing will change because nobody, not even Romeo, wants it to.
By the way, I told them that when my husband can eat again after he heals from radiation treatment, that I will be eating home with him, watching our movies and I will bring them dinner in a pan and leave. It’s very confusing to hear how nice and caring my mother can be and then when you say Mom my husband is really not feeling well enough to relax up here, she becomes upset - it’s so disturbing, and a lot of posters here are criticizing me of how I’m handling the situation and yet you are or were in the same situation and it took you time to fix it.
Sorry for rambling-I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.
Then you also have to actually go to the appointments to start to make a change .
Don’t cancel appts to do something for your parents .
I'm glad to hear that you are at that point. How about counseling now?
Might be a good place to start.
For about ten years my parents took over my life. They were the sports years of my boys life. They took my friends over ,they took my children over. I couldn't do anything with out someone in my town telling my parents. I hated those years, and hate talking about them. They where my parents best years of there life, all my mom wants to talk about, is my sons baseball years.
I finally broke away, they disowned me. I'm saying this because some times I get angry at the fact that I let them take those years away from me. In the end I have no one to blame but myself.
As you have no one to blame but you. You need to take your life back. Your parents are going to hate it and be angry. There is nothing you can do the change that.
You need to get therapy on how to get your life back and how to deal with there anger at you for taking your life back!
But, once again, her thread is climbing toward 100 responses (I again hope to be number 100; I, too enjoy games). I think so long as we find her entertaining she will continue to be here for us, therapy or no.
Stop telling your parents the truth about your life and start lying and sneaking out like a teenager .
Maybe your mother and father need some therapy?
Seems to me they never let you leave the nest.
Since 2015 as Maximus1, in fact, she's been posting these exact types of posts.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/why-do-my-parents-feel-its-necessary-to-live-with-us-191655.htm?orderby=recent
As far as you saying, "......and a lot of posters here are criticizing me of how I’m handling the situation and yet you are or were in the same situation and it took you time to fix it."
None of us here have been asking for advice for almost a decade now but doing nothing to change our situations at all!! 😑
Yes, this is a place to "vent" but you can't expect to keep getting the same compassionate advice over and over and OVER again because posters get tired of repeating the same old same old. Especially to someone who keeps complaining for nearly 10 years but doing nothing to change her situation.
Look, you two are the ones with cancer. Meanwhile, the worst your 96 yo dad has is a kidney stone. What happens when your man retires or is force retired by his law firm? What happens if cancer for either of you resurges?
Do you think your parents would step in to feed you?
Will it be funny if dh gets sicker or dies? How about you? The fact you didn’t have children means there’s not a future safety net such as your mom has in you.
Perhaps you find it hilarious that in the event of your and dh’s death, your parents would inherit everything?
Have you considered to invite your Mother downstairs for some tea?
When she calls, treat her like a friend, tell her you are putting the coffee on, come on over.
I am very sorry about your dog. I know how you feel because the loss of a pet is a crushing experience. You have my condolences on that loss.
You're wrong about the games you continue to play with your parents though.