Why is my son abusing me because I'm sending my mother to a hospice house for 2 days?

Pretty much what I was going to say. If he is capable and willing to do the job, then he should be offering to step up.. Other wise, shut up..
Step up or shut up.. That's a worthy motto.

One person’s negative experience does not equal all being the same. “Save her from the evil ones” assumes this lady hasn’t looked into the care and vetted the help she so badly needs

She is only getting 2 days, not 2 a week. When on in home Hospice they allow for respite care because the family is still doing 24/7 care. An aide is only provided maybe 3x a week for bathing. A nurse only checks in 2 or 3 times.

Her mother is 95. He's an adult.

I was thinking the same, he is probably afraid she will not come out and dye before her time. My mom made it 8 months and the best man in our wedding lasted 12 months on hospice at home. My uncle and a few friends only lasted 2-3 days in inpatient hospice. It seems inpatient is more likely to give something that makes them sleepy and they do not get hydrated or food routinely. Its more like if they ask for food or drink give it, give it to them. If not let them be.

Ann, I'm sitting here eating some sushi with tears in my eyes reading your response. Some people who don't do it, even family members we keep informed, just don't realize the toll of caregiving. Even when we are not (if fortunate) doing hands on personal type care, our minds are so full of being on call 24/7 watching for safety issues, cooking, planning, shopping for meals, laundry, cleaning, bill paying etc. There used to be an expression that housekeeping, if done correctly, can kill you...and I have adjusted that to sub the word caregiving. And I am, no pun intended, living proof of that. I am the worst personality probably for being a caregiver, while also being the best, because I care and am perfectionistic, wanting to be and do the best. In two days it will be the 5 month anniversary of my survival of having an aortic dissection which is almost always fatal. No doubt my sense of needing and getting help, was a contributing factor to my survival (not to mention being in Cleveland and helicoptered to the Cleveland Clinic where the top heart people are who did surgery and saved me). We do need to take care of ourselves. To that end and to assure good or improved nutrition for my mother age 98 and with dementia, I began getting her meals on wheels last week. A tepid meal is delivered around noon time in an alluminum tin pan that needs to be replated for microwave reheating. So when my 103 old alert and capable father approached me in a captive moment to ask me if I was going to get the meal and reheat it for her, I reached the breaking point, and left him a note because....wait for it.....I SAID NO. He is constantly making demands...of ME....and it's easy because his whole life the women folk have done for him and looked out for him. From his mother and his sisters (now long deceased) to his wife. I'm easy prey as we all live interdependently under the same roof. But I finally said what had been held in for far too long...HE was a contributing factor to my high blood pressure which is believed to be a factor contributing to the aortic dissection. Yes it did anger me when I learned more about it because although I played a role in all of it, I felt like the upheaval in my life, the terror of illness, surgery etc, was a direct result of HIM. He came back at me when I said NO to say I did not make things easy!! And that was the last straw for me. I had said NO primarily because I didn't want to have to be on guard for the delivery. I AM supposed to be working remotely in an effort to hold my job which I expect to return to. So there will be a day when I will not be home and easily accessible to get the meal and reheat it. He on the other hand is in excellent physical shape, makes sure he eats, sleeps, exercises etc and he is or can easily be available to do this task. I told him I was not responsible for HER, but of course that is indeed part of the stress, as I feel responsible to look out for both of them. To make sure doors are locked, lights off etc, safety mechanisms engaged. I do not intend to be in a hospital or rehab ever again. EVER. AND I hate taking pills...so I am determined now to look out for ME. Bless all of us. WE love them, we will take care of them, but they do not have a right to totally destroy our lives and any chance for us to enjoy a bit as we get older ourselves!

I did not get that he cancelled the Respite just that he is calling his mom selfish for placing Grandma in Respite. If I misread or mistook what she said in the post I am sorry.

Medicare pays for Respite for Hospice patients so there is no cost to the family.

Hospice is not a PLACE
Hospice is where ever the patient calls home.
There are In Patient Hospice Units. These are places where a patient goes to manage pain, sometimes for respite. Or in some cases where family does not want the patient to die at home (usually a home where there are young children).
The Goal of Hospice is to care for your loved one and manage pain and symptoms.
They prefer that the patient is at home but "home" is also Assisted Living, Memory Care, Skilled Nursing facilities.
Again, and this is important Hospice is not a PLACE.
a bit of history, Hospice is from Latin Hospitum. Means Hospitality or place of rest and protection for the ill and weary. Originated in Malta 1065. Dedicated to care for ill and weary on route to or from the Holy Land.

So sorry this was your experience. I have heard this same story from other. The parent was fine when they went in. Then drugged within the first 24 hours and passed within days. Just remember you did what you thought was best for him and yourself at the time. My mom was hospice at home. I still regret that I was not there when she died. I was minutes maybe seconds to late. I had spent each night there before she passed because I knew she was getting closer to her time. That last night I told mom I was really really tired and I was going home to get a good nights sleep. I stayed with mom until she fell asleep and then I left. I checked the camera at 4 am mom was still breathing. I should of gotten dressed and walked over. I didn’t I went back to sleep. I walked in at 8am and knew mom was gone or close to being gone. She was warm but not responding. I finally came to the conclusion she did not want me there when she passed. I struggled for days, my decision to not stay that night.

totally agree, if he is not going to take care of her for a few days, he can pound salt; my son is just he opposite, he wants to get a HCA so i can get away for a little time, he understands and i love him for loving his mom and his grandma (also 95)