Why will you, or will you not, provide in-home care for your folks?

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Why will you, or will you not, provide in-home care for your folks?

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Good morning. My husband and I were willing to take my mother into our home in order to slow down how quickly her retirement savings were used. She didn't have a lot of retirement money and if we became her caregivers, we felt she would have a more comfortable life, and her money would still be there when she required more medical attention than we could give to her.

Sadly, that only lasted 9 days. We had to put her back in assisted living. The whole intent for bringing her home was that she was able to use her walker in our house. We tried to tell her that the wheelchair is too big as we live in a 960 sq ft double-wide mobile home. It was hard to get her down the hallway and then the transitioning from chair to toilet was taking its toll on my back. I'm 71 and my husband 75. It just didn't work. So we took her back, and her money continued to disappear. I ended up getting a job in order to make up the difference for her room and board at the private pay facility. We looked at Medicaid facilities and they were just awful.

My story was longer than I had planned. Anyway, My only advice is if you have a house big enough that your parents would have their quarters large enough for them to be comfortable, and most important, have in home care help as much as you or they can afford because your life is truly not your own and the toll it could take on your marriage may not be something you want to risk. I think it is a wonderful and courageous thing to do by 24/7 care of your parents. I'm sure you'll have a lot of opinions to the pro/con options you are looking for with this life changing decision.

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After a stroke, we moved my Mom in with us and provided her care. She paid for a bathtub-shower conversion which was extremely helpful and worth the expense. I was her FT Caregiver for 4 months, and my husband and 25 y/o daughter helped. A lot of physical assistance and 24/7 toileting was needed for the first 2 months. I am 55. For much of my life my Mom and I were not close; though we agreed to do what we felt families should do, a bit of history made it hard for me to give my life to hers. We tried having a Caregiver and Daycare that gave me 15-20 hours a week of time for me, but it wasnt enough. I was up with her every morning, put her to bed every night and we were together the rest of the time. I became short with her and knew we both deserved better. About a month ago, we found an AL where her assets will allow her to stay for quite a few years. She did not want to go, but we explained and discussed many times that if life wasnt working for us all, then we would have to find a place. She will need to move to one where they accept Medicaid some years from now, or if she becomes too ill for aging in place care at this small facility. Not my choice, but it will have to be that way. She has been in her new home for only 2 weeks. We have our privacy back and she has more freedom, activity with others and socialization. I've seen her a few times a week, she will call me if she needs me(rarely!) and we enjoy our time together. I monitor her care and notify the staff if anything is not being done as it should be for her. My personal view after doing this is that no one HAS to be a family member's Caregiver if it does not provide the happiest, safest and most beneficial life for all involved. For those that constantly are stressed out mentally and physically, it truly is YOUR choice to make. It is a hard decision, and one I struggled with for 3.5 months, but I finally had to make it. And I worry if they will provide the best care, but I will oversee it. My spent 21 years as an AF medic, so I know what to look for and what to do. And falls can happen anywhere; I had to come to terms with that issue! So for my family and my Mom, being her Caregiver only worked for a while, as long as I could bear it. Now I have my sanity and my life back, and my Mom is creating a new one where she is. We are able to create a different family dynamic, a more positive one. I know I would feel a different desire to care for my husband or children and it may even last longer, but each event would be a new journey. My 3 children are fully aware that we do not want them to stop living to care for us unless they simply want to and love to Caregive! We've told them to find the best place, move us in, advocate for good care and visit. I want them to live thier lives. Good Luck to you and yours oxox

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Well said, thank you for sharing!

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I have my mom in a facility for several reasons. The first was because I was working and it was a surprise to take her on, so no time to try to find someone to stay with her while I worked. Another was her diagnoses, one of which was Moderate Alzheimer's with psychoses and her statement that she wanted to kill me. Another was that I have stairs in my house that she would have to scale to go to the bedroom and bathroom. This was unsafe for her to do. Another was that I wanted her to have the opportunity to meet people her own age and form friendships with them since she was new to the area and her friends that she had known were either dead, or they had moved away to be with their friends or their children. These are still viable reasons even though I am now not working. She has added diagnoses that are health related added to the original ones. I am actively hands on and watch her like a hawk as well as those who are charged to care for her. I let them know that I am the daughter, the POA, the court appointed Guardian, and....an R.N. and I am SERIOUS about my mother's care.

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Unwilling to live in her house--it's on a gravel road behind drug-dealing apartments, and ever since she almost died there in April, it's pretty creepy. But it took several years of serious thought to come to that realization. Luckily there was time, as my mother's symptoms of dementia very gradually increased, for me to think about what it would mean to give up my life, move 3,000 miles, and move in with her. At first it did seem to be the natural, obvious conclusion, especially since I'm unmarried, don't own a house, and my financial situation is not good. But finally I decided it's my life and I'm the only one who can fight for it. Right now she's in memory care. She is mobile, coherent, still quite agreeable and passive generally, and I would be willing to live under the same roof with her--but it would have to be in the location I choose, in a house I would buy with her money. For now, she has been in memory care for 6 months. I was there for 3 months in spring, spent 6 hours per day with her at rehab and memory care, so I feel confident the memory care is fantastic. Her friends from the neighborhood visit occasionally, and she still has the fantasy/delusion she will be going home soon, which I think keeps her from panicking. But I feel bad I don't see her--I left in late June, next saw her in September. It's not what I would want for myself, and she deserves more. On the other hand, she had many years in which to make different choices, and she had the financial resources to make almost any choice. She knew what was coming, saw it with her own mother and other relatives. She refused to change anything. She stayed in her house alone until she almost died. Now she is totally dependent on my choices.

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I could not, and would not, for several reasons.
I am still employed and my mother got to the point where she needed someone to check in on her several times a day.
I helped to keep her in her own home for as long as possible - taking her to appointments, bringing groceries, doing laundry, etc.
But when it became apparent (to me, but not her) that she could no longer stay at home, I hired an "elder care advocate" to help me find the best facility and get her moved.
I visited every weekend and tried to make sure she was as comfortable as possible.

Aside from being unable to do the care-giving required, I couldn't live with my mother even if her health and physical condition had been better.
She was NPD (Narcissistic) and was never the mother I needed, wanted, or deserved.
But, that's a discussion for another time...

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My mom NPD as well. I know how damaging their abuse is. My parents moved in 20 years ago when my dad started dementia and mom couldnt handle him alone. She is getting worse with age with her narcissism but I have learned her tactics and protect myself best I can. It is very hard

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I moved in with my mom after a short debate over whose house would be best (in different states). I was her only unmarried child with no kids of my own. I always assumed I would end up with her, just because she and I had the most compatible temperaments and lifestyle among her 5 kids. I had health problems at the time & at first she helped me more than I helped her. After 18 years of this arrangement, the roles gradually flipped and I do more caretaking and home management. Her better finances keep me in a very nice home that I could not otherwise afford, and I reciprocate by being her companion, chauffeur, medical manager, financial manager, and household manager. My siblings appreciate my efforts. I'm now in my mid 60's and she is in her mid 90's.

We looked into assisted living, but thought it was expensive, already have a handicap accessible house, and she didn't really want to leave. If only we knew how long she will live - financial planning would be easier (lol). We will bring in help as long as it is practical and she is safe. We have a home health aid for 3 hours/week, house keeper every 2 weeks, lawn care, and snow plower. I encouraged her to make sure all legal paperwork is in order (trust, will, durable power of attorney, health care proxy).

NOTE... if my Father had outlived my mother, this would have been a much different story. He was a bear to live with and I would not have chosen to move in with him.

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To AlvaDear...Not having the personality who could take care of a loved one at home does NOT make you a bad inadequate person. Wanting the best care for that person is what is important. In home care vs facility is not a black and white question. Bless you for knowing your "limitations."

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So, my circumstances are a bit of a different spin on it, though I'd guess I'm not the only one...I am in my parent's home. Life takes different turns for people and it is too long and personal a story to share. But I am here and so I feel it is, most of the time, a trade-off...however...as their needs increase, as I contemplate the future there are more times I fantasize about having taken my only sibling's path and running far away to let these people fend for themselves. They would do poorly and for sure wind up in some godawful medicaid facility. So yeah, in spite of the differences and antgonism and demands as I have become Dad's "wifey", I will be here and do for them. The benefits go both ways. I feel like I know, to some extent how the plot of this story is going to go and sometimes I wish I could skip the middle hard part and get to the end...where I hope I have my health and have some energy restored and time to enjoy with my those I really love. Don't get me wrong...I love my parents...but the demands and needs are increasing; my father is naive and remains clueless as to what the outcome would be without me...the savings would be gone quickly at today's rates. For now I feel more the dutiful daughter doing payback. And yes, I am now officially a senior as well. I must continue with my employment to protect my own income source.

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My sister (and next door neighbor) shared in home care for our Mom. We wanted her there and we were both able to retire eo we could care for her in her home (my sister was already living with her). But...your question cannot have a black and white answer. Many factors play in the answer. The caregivers age, health, employment, relationship to the person in need, location, other family and obligations.....I'm sure there are more. While caring for Mom my sister's back layed her up for 3 weeks so i stayed at their house 24/7 to care for her and Mom. Not everyone has support and back up. We were for each other. And to those who choose not to care for a loved one at home, it does not make you less loving, or selfish, or anything negitive. Wanting the best for a loved one and seeing they get it is what's loving and giving. I one can do the financial keeping, bless you. I did it and hate it....i hate numbers and managing someone else's money but there was no one else to do it. We all gave our roles in caring for our loved ones. Which ever is "your" role it is important...and an act of love and caring 💕🙏

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For me, it's a matter of my elderly mother does not want to live with me. She has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me for several years. If I disagree with her on any topic, then I am personally attacking her or she calls me "stupid". She says deeply hurtful things to me and expects me to keep on coming back for more. So, in my opinion, she has nothing but contempt for me and would never want to relinquish any control over her life by moving in with me. I stopped subjecting myself to her abuse about two years ago - I hang up the phone when she begins her abuse, or if I am seeing her in person then I leave immediately when she begins the abuse. Also, she has four cats and I am extremely allergic to cats, so she couldn't live with me and bring her cats. I refuse to live my life under the constant emotional abuse - it has caused serious physical/medical problems for me. When talking to her on the phone or seeing her in person, I feel like I'm walking on eggs or bombs, just waiting for the explosions (which cannot be predicted). She now lives with my brother, who has been easily manipulated by her for his entire life. Now he's miserable, seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety, and he's ready to put her in a nursing home. She is the sweetest little old lady in front of everyone else in the world. I felt guilty about not doing more for her or with her (after I stopped subjecting myself to the abuse), but now I just feel sad. +

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Guilt...is it possible she has dementia? They get verbally & physically abusive with that disease. Was she like that always? My mother became that way even though she was not like that before. Has she seen a neurologist? Medicine can control the anger & agitation. Hugs 🤗

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First of all, know that not every person or family are mentally and physically suited to be good caretakers, just as not everyone can be an engineer or a teacher, etc. We are all different. Some people work because they love their jobs and others because they have to work to exist and pay the bills. Often old people get very nasty, demanding, abusive, controlling and not nice to have around - they can cause all kinds of interference and problems. Think of the possible impacts on you and your family and what effect it will have long term. Are you willing to take that on? As to finances, there are ways to fund outside care but it takes time and effort to search for answers - but it can be done. What about your life and quality of life? Do you care about that or is your guilt too high and you feel obligated. These people have lived their lives. Now it is your turn. Think from every angle because things get worse rather than better as time goes on - and then what?

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This question certainly applies to me. My Papa is 92 and lives alone. He has Parkinson’s, completely blind in one eye, 20/500 vision in his “good” eye, chronic pain from old injuries to his back and the THIRTY-FOUR FALLS he has had in the last 3 years from the Parkinson’s. I have no idea how someone can fall that many times and not get seriously injured, but somehow he’s managed. We are there twice a day. An aide is there 4 times a week for 3 hours each time. He refuses to move. Period.

He was in rehab 3 years ago after a fall. He should have stayed, but he talked his doctor into letting him go home. He wants to die in his home. And his doctor is behind him doing this. Until he falls and breaks a bone. Or goes completely blind. Or some other catastrophe.

We offered our home to him. He refused. We are glad he refused. He is the most bullheaded stubborn man I have ever met in my life.

Our home is our refuge, where we recover, after spending time with Papa. I can’t imagine having contact with him 24/7. I am close to losing my mind, as is.

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My mother has fallen 36 times that we know of, with no serious injuries either! We did find out she has broken ribs and sternum bones in different phases of healing, though, when she had a recent CAT scan. These fractures were from falls she kept hidden from me and the ALF, where she was able to get up by herself without help. She will be 93 in Jan. Amazing isn't it? I'm glad your dad refused your home. I'm going mad dealing with mother in memory care, never mind in my home!!!

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Just buried my 95 yo mother two weeks ago. She lived with me nine years after my father passed. She was a total functioning independent senior citizen, driving, church, community activities, etc.

Two years ago signs of dementia progressed quickly, followed by a fractured shoulder and later a fractured hip. After two rounds of rehab with very little progress I decided I could take care of her just as good as the rehab employees. So for over eighteen months I was her caretaker. She received home care assistance that included nurse visits, an aide twice a week to bathe and dress her as well as an afternoon aide to relieve me for four hours a day. Mom and I had hours to chat and cement our mother/daughter relationship. In August her condition began to deteriorate further, packing food in her cheeks then not eating at all, not drinking and being able to swallow her meds, and losing significant weight. Mom eventually had to be placed on home hospice with someone from the care team visiting daily.

I am very relieved and at peace knowing I had the opportunity to provide care and solace to my mom in her final days.

Believe me the journey wasn’t an easy one. There were sleepless nights. Tons of frustration because she couldn’t/wouldn’t eat or drink, move on her own or assist me when I needed to move her BUT she was always thankful.

I would definitely do it again because I honestly feel it’s what she wanted me to do. I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to do it and demonstrate to my granddaughter what compassion is for your family but also for seniors.
In the beginning my patience needed improving because my caregiving experience was limited to mothering my child and grandchild, not adult care which is totally different.

My pros definitely outweighed my cons in the end. Not being a family of unlimited finances placing her a nursing home was absolutely out of the question. Caring for her at home was best for both her and me. Medicare and Medicaid contributed to her care by providing equipment and supplies necessary for her care.

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your story makes me take pause and realize how lucky I am, thus far.

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Here's my experience, for what it's worth.

My Gram lived with Mom for 7 years. Gram was in her 90's, legally blind, bad arthritis in knees and hands, and starting to get forgetful. Gram needed the help to bathe, to dress, a little help to toilet, and increasingly to transfer from bed to chair to walk with her walker. Gram needed somebody to keep her meds straight, make sure she got the right meds, and ate 3 square meals every day. Mom and Gram did well together since Gram was easy-going and compliant. Mom has similar outlook/values as Gram. So their situation worked well. This is the good example of a "Yes, I'll take my parents in and help them".

Mom decided to sell her house after Gram died. Mom got a great offer the week she put her home on the market. Should have been a "Yeah, Mom!" moment. She was not prepared to move, had no place to move to, and needed to move in 30 days. I helped her move from Illinois to Florida to stay with us "for awhile". She promised it was only for a short time, couple months max. I gave her a large bedroom and "bonus room" for her stuff. The remainder went to storage for that eventual "new home". She slowly started having her stuff creep into other rooms of the house. Her housekeeping is more lax than mine and so is her hygiene. I asked her to let me help her clean her rooms. I asked her to bathe more often. I asked her to see a dentist about a horrendous case of "dragon breath". She resisted my suggestions. I needed to take allergy meds the entire time because she had mildew/mold on boxes in her room. After 6 months living with me, she finally decided she needed to move. It took 3 months to find a condo she liked and get her moved there. My hubby and I helped her with fixing it up. We put her on our dental insurance so she is finally getting her teeth fixed (lots of abscesses). She can still drive, take care of her own affairs, and has her own friends and activities. She and we are happier with us "helping her" without her living with us. When she has to move back, I will have an in-law cottage for her use. That will provide enough separation. She will have a feeling of control/ownership that she needs with a safety net of family "help". We will have the privacy/control we need as well to live according to our much different habits.

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The pros we had were both financial and the privacy issue. When we were dealing with nursing homes for rehab it was noisy with TVs blarring all night long. This way, my mom at my home in her own room was able to get sleep at night!

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My husband offered for my mom to come here to live, but I said no. I really feel like having her come here would be no different than when she was still at home just laying around on the couch by herself. If we moved her free, it would have led her down that same path, as well as really putting an emotional toll on me. I am having a hard enough time emotionally with dealing with her being in AL near us.

At least in AL she has access to nurses, physical therapy, a chaplain ... to help keep her social. I don’t feel she would have gotten any of that here.

All that being said, I am still a total newbie at this. Every day brings a new challenge and a new emotional toll on me. I am so blessed to be able to be here for my mom, but I still wish it didn’t have to be this way. 😕

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I agree, Mom is safe and cared for with someone watching out for her 24/7. Nurses to check her meds, aids to help with bathing, laundry, housekeeping etc. It takes multiple people to do this not just a single person subject to burnout.

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Everyones circumstances and challenges are different. Here is mine. My MIL moved with us over 7 years ago (stupid me, I agreed to this). Our lives have not been the same for the past two years. Dementia, balance problems and no one wanting to watch her anymore (family members). She is a fall risk, can't hear or see well, stubborn as a mule, and does not believe us. She constantly lies, does not want help (but she can't do it herself). My husband tries to help her but she refuses his help. I guess because he is male. I refuse to do a lot of things to help because my own mom is in a ALF, she is not able to walk. Told my husband if he wants his mom in the house and not in ALF then don't count on me for everything. I watch her for several hours several times a week, make meals, take care of her meds, but he must do the bathroom runs and bathing, only if necessary. She manages these things on her own but needs assistance because of the her balance. We have not had a vacation in 2 1/2 years. We retired for this purpose and now we are stuck. Did I mention she is 99. The drama every day is taking its course on our marriage, trying to maintain sanity between these two has been a challenge to me and our marriage. Because we believe this is happening for a purpose in our lives, is the only reason we keep going. He feels that as soon as he puts her in a nursing home, she will fall break a hip or something and that will be the end. So, I feel he is keeping her alive in his own way by keeping in a more safe environment even if it's causing all kinds of problem. I said my part.

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Does your husband ever stop and think about his mother’s quality of life? About the quality of life he is prolonging? I’m not saying any one of us should try to play god and decide when it’s someones time to go. I am just wondering why quality of life seems to not be an issue for some people.

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When my father retired he and my mother moved to a trailer park in Sarasota. They would come up North to our house and my sister's house, spending a week or two at each, for the summer months and even would go with us when we had vacation rentals in New England. There was never any question that they should do anything else; we never turned them away. When they could no longer manage the home in Sarasota they came up permanently. Even one time we had them in the house and my son and wife and four little kids all in a 3 br. place (the basement had been converted into living quarters so it wasn't as bad as it sounds). Why did we do this? Family ties, maybe. My parents had emigrated to the US with my sister and me when she and I were still teenagers, right after WW2. Our bond was strong, and even my wife, and to some extent my sister's husband, went along. As a practical matter we had to accommodate them, and they us, but they were little trouble. When my mother became senile, maybe dementia but that was not diagnosed, my parents stayed with us, until my mother could go to a nursing home, and my father stayed with us and visited my mother every chance he got. Now as I see that and compare it to caregiving for my wife as it is now, I think if we had known of Home Health Aide service my mother could have stayed with us all the time. It might have been preferable to the nursing home. There were never agreements, formal or informal, to any of our family matters. I don't know if I could tell you of the pros of our arrangements, to us it was just a matter of family and adaptability. It was how we saw life.

As for the con side of the question, I have no experience to offer. I know of some family breakdowns but I don't want to speculate on the reasons for them.

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Great thread, Lealonnie!

As you can see, many variables here. Lots of people raising valid points. I have enjoyed reading all of them. Thanks for posting an important question such as this and we are all learning from it. 😊

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CaregiverL and lealonnie1: My mother has not been diagnosed with dementia. I thought of that also, but she has been this way for a long time. My husband told me she's been this way forever but it's just worse now. Yes, I also hold up "the shield" when in contact with her. Her doctors say she's capable of making her own decisions, even if I don't like those decisions - as a result, she cannot live in her own home due to her hoarding and refusal to allow anyone to clean it, she's in the hospital right now because she wouldn't tell anyone she was sick and so she wound up in the ER and then hospital with pneumonia and UTI and ulcers on her tongue. This is probably the 5th time she's done this - plus, when my brother I ask her to go to the doctor she refuses. Thus, the ER when she's near death with pneumonia. It's like she believes if she doesn't get help, then she's "independent". But she's actually very dependent on my brother and me, and I think it makes her very angry. The doctor told her to use a walker, but she refuses saying she doesn't need it. She refuses to use her cane at home. Won't get hearing aids - she'll tell you her hearing is "perfect". It goes on and on. She is so contrary and irrational that I do suspect dementia, but so far no such diagnosis. I am glad to know there are people who have the ability to take care of their elderly parents, and that there are parent s who are grateful for that help. Hugs to everyone.

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guiltandanger your mom sounds just like my mom. Still making her decisions. She is a hoarder also. She was in the hospital for 4 days and she shmoozed the doctors and nurses into believing she is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. I was too afraid to speak up and say she is a hoarder. If she ends up in the hospital again should I tell them she is a hoarder? Will that prevent her from going home? She would have to go to assisted living because my brother and I aren’t taking care of her in our homes. Is that the solution? I know if I say that my mother would definitely go into a tizzy and schmooze her way out of it somehow and she would never speak to me again. I know that as sure as I am writing this.

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Great answers here. My situation is I am a single, recently retired woman with no children. I live alone in a small home, no debts, ready to enjoy my hard earned retirement volunteering and traveling. Mom has told me for years she didn’t want her kids to have to take care of her the way my aunt did their mother. Unfortunately neither parent had expectations of living to their 90’s or planned for the expenses of maintaining a home.
I spent the last 10 years helping my aging parents with bills, organizing repairs, home help, cleaners etc. as well as contributing to their finances. After Dad died Mom wanted to stay in the large family home but with health issues, isolation, lack of transportation, and a home needing expensive repairs we were concerned that she was not safe living alone, nor could she afford to live that way. Her expenses were larger than her income.
She stayed with me for a few weeks after her last hospital stay so I could assess if she was able to take care of herself. It was not a happy experience. My home is too small for her medical equipment, she was timing her meds to suit herself, watched TV all day long, talked non-stop when I was home, didn’t like the food I prepared. There was a constant stream of PT workers, nurses, home aids etc for her post op recovery. I was miserable.
Every time I left the house she was alone so I had to worry about that. She had a medical alert bracelet but couldn’t figure out how to unlock my doors! She has a cell phone but keeps turning the volume down when she slips it in her pocket and didn’t answer when I called.
I will admit that I am too selfish to want to take on the 24/7 care an elderly person requires. It really is nonstop. Yes, she took care of me when I was a child but she was a healthy young woman, I am 65 and beginning to have my own health concerns. I am beginning the process of finding a new place to live, to step down to a condo or senior apartment for myself so I don’t have to worry about yard work or maintenance of a home.
Long story here but Mom was persuaded to try Assisted Living for a few weeks. We visited several places, she chose the one she felt most comfortable in and after a year has settled in. She has company when she wants it, activities and games, meals, laundry and housekeeping, etc. as well as 24/7 assistance if needed. Best of all she is taking her meds as ordered under the supervision of a nurse. We sold her big house and the funds are paying her bills.
I am still on call for hair appointments, errands, shopping, bill paying and often feel like her personal assistant! But now I can visit, chat, reminisce and enjoy her company then go out and live my life.

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So true! Good for you knowing that you are not her resource for care.

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I am addressing worriedincalis story about how her MIL always gave special consideration to her SIL and commented that it was a wife's duty to do something special for their husbands birthdays.

I have a friend that is probably close to your MILs age and she says: a daughter's your daughter all her life, your son's your son until he takes a wife.

I think that they take that to extremes and that is why daughters are expected to give up their lives to care for aging parents.

Your story made me think of this.

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Thanks for sharing. I’ve heard that saying before but never thought to apply to it to this situation. I think there is a lot of truth to what you posted. We lost MIL at 68 unfortunately, she was able to take care of herself up until the last 3 months of her life when the pulmonary fibrosis got so bad she really couldn’t move much. So she didn’t get to live to old age, to the point where she couldn’t live alone and needed help with her ADL. Anyway this reminded me of comments that were made and future plans that MIL and her partner dreamed up. I do believe that SIL would have been expected to take care of MIL. MIL and her partner used to talk about selling their house & going to live with SIL and her family. I think SILs husband has made a comment once about wanting to buy a house with acreage and MILs partner took it and ran with it! He had a habit of doing that. Anyway their plan was that SIL was going to buy a house with land or a ranch or something and put a small house on it for MIL & her partner to live out the rest of their days in. Hate to say it but yeah had that dream come true, SIL would have been the one taking care of them. I sometimes think about what might have been if she hadn’t gotten sick and died.....And I know SIL & her husband would have been the ones to take on the job of taking care of MIL and her partner when they got old and couldn’t take care of themselves. And I know they would do it not having a clue what they were getting themselves into! But they would have done it, I know they would have felt obligated to do it.

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Probably different for different people. I willingly took this on. I have 2 siblings. I am now in my 26th year of looking after my 101 year old mother. At first I was happy to do it and felt like it was a way to give back. She has been an amazing mother to us all our lives. My siblings have done NOTHING. They visit once a month for about 10 min IF Mom is lucky. Never ask if we need anything, never offer to help with the house or yard work, never bring a meal etc. I have no time to myself ever. When Mom sleeps I rush out to grocery shop. My friends have disappeared. When i bring up that I need a break or help, siblings change the subject. I had no idea that I'd end up here at 70 years old and broken down in every way. My Mom has no memory, no hearing, poor eyesight, incontinence, fractured a hip a few months ago- has heart problems, needs special meals, bedridden, etc etc . Every day is more than I can handle and there is no way to change anything. Any time I bring up the need for a break or for help, they change the subject. They have no idea how draining every single day is because they have never done a day. Both siblings go on many vacations every year with no thought whatsoever to me or Mom. I cry every single night. Just sharing so you will consider that it seems very different at the beginning and can morph into something you never expected. We need to honor and respect our parents but we need to be able to live our lives too. They have a lot of needs and get needier and needier. I couldn't place Mom where I couldn't know she'd be loved- too many stories from care homes that horrify me. Perhaps a mistake to have taken on full 24/7 care, but on the plus side, I've learned a great deal about the elderly, and myself. Just things to think about.

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This is so draining for you at 70 years old. I can tell you for a FACT that not all Skilled Nursing Facilities are horrifying....lots of them are perfectly lovely. Perhaps it's time for you to look into this type of care for your mom before YOU are the one to pass away before HER, God forbid! You've done enough. You can go visit her every single day if you'd like, AND still have your own life, finally. Sending you a hug and wishing you the best.

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The parent must be willing to move. Mine was not. I moved in with her 7 states from my own.

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So many here on the forum have shown unconditional love. That’s quite a sacrifice to make for your mom. I do hope that she was appreciative.

Not everyone would have been as selfless as you, Llama. It wouldn’t have even been possible for some to move away from their own homes due to various circumstances. Glad you were able to do so. Obviously you made it a priority in your life.

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My situation is slightly different. My father who is 83 with vascular dementia owns his own home. I do not own a home and i live here in the same house but i have my own self contained studio in the house so i dont have to share anything with him. . As he is the sole owner he has a right to stay in his own house, but as he gets worse which he is doing and refuses to go into care, tells the carers that i have arranged to go away its very difficult. This is further made more difficult because he is narcissistic and argumentative. We are also in a way like oil and water. The only reason i live here is because i run the letting business (we rent out the whole upstairs of the 8 bedroom house) Its expensive to buy a property. Cant afford it.

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My poor, old dad....needed more and more care as he grew older and less robust. My mother couldn't take care of him as she was already legally, not blonde, ok..heh....but legally Blind. She lost her license to drive, and wasn't able to do much due to her absence of central vision.
I had just a year before, returned to my beloved, adopted home state of Arizona, so I was out of the picture, mostly, and didn't really understand that Dad had to be placed in a senior care facility, of which I knew nothing.
Next thing I learn is a phone call from Mother....Dad had passed. No one, apparently, was there with him....very sad indeed.
Life changed for me then....I realized that Mother needed help. So, I began to live in both places....she was in California, so an 8 hour drive got me to her. I would live with her for 2-3 weeks, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. Then I'd return home for a out 10 days to help my husband with the cats, as he was working full time then.
I did this dual life for about 2 1/2 years....then my sister list her job and her home, needed work and a place. So, Mother and I have her what we could....I was working as a paid caregiver, I gave that position to my sister. My mother welcomed my sister to come live there with her.
It went well, at first. Then things went south....they didn't get along so well, and my sister found out that she's no caregiver....she told me that herself.
Long story short, we had a blow up....and in a few months, my husband and I moved Mother from California to Arizona....with us. I wouldn't even EVER consider placing my dear, sweet mom in a rest home or nursing facility!! No way!! We lived together....she was always my dear earth angel....I love her so much....I did my absolute utmost to take the best care of her, in Jesus name....He was with me...and gave me the grace to do my utmost for Him. I have zero regrets, but one. I was unable to return my mother to her beloved Redondo Beach....😥. I didn't have a million bucks to do it for her, still don't. But, if I had the money, you can be sure I would've gotten her a final home in Redondo. That is my only regret. She deserved Everything, and more....she's the most wonderful woman that God ever made, and I was deeply blessed to have had her as my mother, and best friend for as long as I did.
Our mothers gave us their all....they chose Life for us! And sacrificed everything for us.....the least we can do for them is come alongside and help them, and love them when they are old, feeble and weak. It's the very least we can do! I wish I could do it all over again. God bless all of you dedicated caregivers!

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I truly admire your devotion to your mom. It’s not possible for everyone to be as committed as you. You were an amazing daughter and I am sure that meant more than being in a certain location to your mom. So let go of any guilt.

Be at peace knowing that you did your very best. Your mom would want for you to be at peace as much as you desire for her to Rest In Peace.

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"Will" and "am doing this". Everyone has their own story and no one way works for all - life is not a one size fits all, fortunately and unfortunately.

My story... I have been taking care of my sweet Parkinson's ridden, Alzheimer's and dementia stricken 89 year old mother for over four years in my home. She moved in a month after my husband and I married. She has very limited mobility, can't communicate, wears diapers, doesn't know my name, etc. With both my husband and I being married previously and having raised our children, alas we got another one... aka my mother. It has been the hardest thing I have done in my life. I have always worked outside the home and truly enjoy working, being around other people and contributing, but have not done so in over a year. I have a private caregiver come five hours a day, five days per week - I handle mornings, evenings and weekends (unfortunately the same time periods I have to spend with my husband) and this is by far the most difficult thing I have done in my life and yes, there are times when I close my eyes and imagine putting her in a home and me regaining my life, but I always open my eyes and realize that the best place for my mom is with us. She is always surrounded by love and doesn't want for anything and she deserves that. But again, there are those times where I just don't think that I can do this any longer. We don't really talk about caring for our aging parents with each other (thank goodness for this board) and most of us don't receive any education in caregiving so it can be so overwhelming when it happens and to top it off, we have no end time frame that we can mark days off as they occur to see the progression.

My own personal thoughts are that your life is not really your own, it belongs to all of those in your circle (be thankful you have a circle). In the end, you have to look in the mirror at yourself and like the decisions that the person you see made. My retired brother who lives 250 miles away and saw our mother one time last year and doesn't call her or send a card does not seem to have any issues looking at himself and we were raised the same. Go figure.

My mother's finances are such that she could afford a comfortable care home for a few years, but then she could very well outlive her finances and then we would bring her here again (no government run home for her please) and start over at square one, which she won't remember and I'll long have tried to put out of my memory). So, at this point, here is where she will stay. I pray our Lord takes her in her sleep soon before her final demise becomes a painful turmoil for her and those that love her.

I have told my daughter when the time comes, if it does indeed come, not to care for me in her home...she has my blessing to put me in as nice a home as my finances allow, come see me every now and then, and go...live her life and live it well.

Its such a personal decision, but there are choices and options.

Blessings caregivers!!

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You are an angel to your mom. Not many are as capable as you. I am going to be brutally honest and say I so tried so freakin hard to be you. I burned out. At times I feel I have failed when I read of accounts like yours. You’re a special woman indeed and may you have all that your heat desires after your caregiving days are over.

You know, it’s interesting because often my children would see me caring for my mom and say, “Mom, one day we will care for you like you cared for grandma.” I said to them, “Like Hell you will! Thanks but no thanks. I want you to live your life for you.” I think they were puzzled by my comments at first but now have told me thanks.

Life gets complicated at times, doesn’t it.

By the way my mom also has Parkinson's disease. I cared for her nearly 15 years in my home. She will be placed in a facility. I’ve had a complicated relationship with siblings too. Now no relationship. It’s for the best. Some relationships are toxic.

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I did and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I would have to do the same thing again to be able to live with myself! If raising me didn't earn any rights for my parent to collect when they too needed care, then why bother to have me at all? I am of the mindset that rights and responsibilities go hand in hand; and that if one has rights, they also have responsibilities. It's hard to keep in mind that the very problem we so much believe is not ours today has a way of becoming our problem tomorrow because eventually it's our turn to be in their shoes. And then who among us will be happy to be in a facility? I realize that it is not possible for everyone to care for their parent and it's not possible for every parent to stay in their own home, but so many of our parents could and would stay in their own living environment if they had help. And that type of help doesn't fall to their adult children alone, but to the society as a whole in terms of resources and services to make it possible.

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If I live to old age and had the resources, I'd be more than happy to live in the Assisted Living community my folks lived at here in town. Beautiful apartment, spacious, good food, great gardens for strolling, compassionate care givers....but I will not have the funds to be able to afford it, like my folks did, unfortunately.

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The only pro - my sister and I were willing to have her live my sister after my dad died; she refused to live with son in law and give up her belongings. So the pro only lasted about 1 month; The con for me: 1. I live 300 miles from my mother and would end up taking her away from her friends and familiar surroundings and doctors; 2. I have discussed this with my sister - I have a townhouse and both bedroom are upstairs. It would be okay for a couple more years provided she wait until I come home from work to go upstairs, but eventually my living room would have to be turned into her bedroom; 3. We don't get along, never have. The con for my sister: it would destroy her marriage. I agree, my sister deserves to be able to live and enjoy her own retired life. Note: My parents did not plan for retirement and her income with no assets, is $200 over qualification for MediCal. Advice to you all - make sure you plan for retirement. Don't assume your children will make enough money to help support your elder years.

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NeedHelpWithMom: Thank you so much! You're right - most or at least some people wouldn't have been able to do that. And we had many other options that we had tried. AL in my state (my son in law's paternal grandmother lived in one and she and my mother would have hit it off/were similar in character). Senior housing apartments (she had to put her name on a list, her name comes to top of list, she declined and didn't put her name back on the list), she said "I'm so glad that I stayed in my own home." I said "That leaves us in a quandary." The deciding factor was not that she was living alone, was legally blind, had A-fib, CHF, arthritis, incontinent both ways. The deciding factor was EXTREMELY low blood pressure, which made the split second decision of my living there. Got to sleep in my childhood bedroom at 67 years of age.

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Lots of issues to contend with, for sure.

I never had my own room until I moved away. Always had to share a room at home.

Yeah, would be strange moving back to a childhood room.

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Why will you, or will you not, provide in-home care for your folks?

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