Wife's sister is moving away from mom who has dementia. Any advice?

Whatever your SIL reasons are for moving really does not matter. Is it sad? Yes. But she hasn’t been much help up till now, and now will be uninvolved entirely.

So what about mom? How can things change? Those are questions with serious decisions to be made.

If mom is still partly independent, I would consider having a caregiver come in once a day for 2-4 hours. Caregivers are not cheap. A private hire, can cost $15-$20/hour. Through an agency it is $25-$35/hour. If mom has any LTC insurance the agency is likely the only option because they won’t pay for private hire. if you choose private hire, care.com is a resource. While candidates are not required to submit to a criminal background check, most do. But I didn’t trust the reports care.com provided. So, I hired an agency to run a criminal record on a candidate that would care for my wife. It cost $117.00, but we’ll worth my peace of mind.

Caring for someone with any of the dementias is emotionally, physically, and financially exhausting. There are agency that help. Check with your local Alzheimer’s Association chapter to see what resources are available. You can find contacts through alz.org.

Lastly, I run a zoom caregivers support group every 1/3 Thursday’s of each month. I’d love for you to join us. If you search me on Facebook, I’m Terry Canipe. I’ll be the one standing with my bride, in front of a bay of water. You can private message me and I’ll respond.

If that doesn’t work, try to find the South Carolina chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association, call them up and tell them Sam Wiley knows me. Sam is the state director. He knows how to get in touch with me.

Support groups are a great resource of suggestions on what we all, as those caring for loved ones, go through.

I pray you’ll find answers!

terrysmellgood

PS. Add @msn.com to my screen name you can email me.

You sound like a kind, caring and committed person who needs to put up a guard against being drawn too far into the dynamics of these three women. Family may be biological genetic ties but for me, it's really a about a group of people who care for each other. I've sat in my office as a Director of Admission and watch biological families rip each other's throats out; that's a hateful group of people. I watched a confederate flag waver race from West VA to NJ to be at the bedside of his "she's like a Mama to me" African American neighbor; that's a caring family member. Sometimes, I've felt that "biological family" is God's little giggle. As a single woman, I find that choosing good friends has been good family for me. It's sounds like the dynamics in your wife's family have been messed up for sometime but even if they were not ..... you simply can't force people to care. So, hard though it may be, put this behind you as only then can you really move forward (and tell the ladies you are putting it behind you and they should follow suit, because you are not going to listen to them wailing and tearing their clothes about this for the next six months as it accomplishes nothing positive).
In terms of prolonging the family line............ well, few of us will attain the longevity of any of the prophets or King Tut or do as much to make us historical icons like Lincoln or Ghandi, so it's best to live your life to the fullest and let the future take care of itself. Additionally in your case, your sister has a son. He made decide to marry at some point to pass on the genetic code if that is very important to you.

Deal with the immediate issues. Make sure your MIL and FIL have their VIPs ((very important papers) Wills, DPoA, Medical Proxies) up to date. Find an AL/MC for your MIL so that you and your wife can be sweethearts again with each other and caring SIL and daughter to her parents.
Wishing your peace and tranquility during this difficult time.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Your wife’s sister doesn’t want to help. She’s selfish. Her decision means your wife will have to help with everything (even if the mother goes to a facility, caregiving/advocating/dealing with problems doesn’t end.)

The fact that your wife’s sister doesn’t want to help has nothing to do with moving.

Let me explain: there are hundreds of ways to help; it’s totally possible to help (even with emergencies) if you live in another country.

Helping by:
-giving your time
-sharing the psychological stress of emergencies/new problems
-finding trustworthy in-home aides
-finding a good facility
-etc.

You don’t need to live close to the mother to do any of that.

Some adult children live 5 minutes away, and don’t help at all.

In other words, it’s not the move to a new town that changes anything. It’s just that your wife’s sister doesn’t want to help.

My next thought about your SIL S move is , she was leaving California ? For another state that is more financially livable? Sub stainable??

just wanted to add that i noticed this other thread that sounds like it could have been written by the sister who's moving away. it wasn't actually written by her but i'm just saying OP might appreciate another perspective that might illuminate the other side of the issue. i'm not saying this poster's situation is exactly the same but there could be bits that are similar that OP and his wife are not able to see from their perspective: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-to-resolve-resentment-and-come-to-an-understanding-with-my-sister-in-regards-to-managing-care-of-475830.htm?orderby=recent

The problem here is expectations. Your wife will be a happier person if she learns not to expect people to think and act like she does. It seems to me her sister has been backing off for a while. I will bet this was not a last minute decision. She saw Mom was getting worse and that she may be asked to help. Hard to help when ur hundreds of miles away.

Your wife has to let it go. I understand where she is coming from but its what it is. SIL does not feel she owes your wife or her mother anything. And I bet if you look back SIL was more of a taker than a giver her whole life. To allow her to live in your home and not work! Her son was 8. She could have found a p/t job around his school schedule. She could have got a f/t job and paid for a latch key program before and after school. She should have been paying u room and board and saving money. I lived with my parents after a divorce and I worked. My girls lived with me after College and they worked. No one lives in my house over the age of 18 and doesn't work.

Now for Mom. If her care is getting too much, then find options. Same with Dad. Have him start now planning where he will go when he can no longer care for himself. This is something he needs to plan. He should not think his children are the solution.



MIL has Dementia, she may eventually forget there is another daughter.

I've been angry at my siblings for not helping more with my mom, especially when it wasn't that I was asking so that I could go on a trip or something but to help with her while I was at work. I also helped with their kids a great deal when they were little as did my mom. One stepped up some but the other two didn't really change what they were willing to do. It does make you mad and resentful but ultimately there isn't anything you can do about it.

Since you probably don’t feel very supported by comments so far, I’ll try something different. It’s always difficult when your expectations are disappointed. Even more when you think someone will, or should, do what you have been counting on. It’s worse if the other people you care about feel the same way. ‘Mourning’ and ‘anger’ can get overwhelming, and a bit out of control. The feelings from your wife and her mother are affecting you too, and you “own emotional well-being is suffering”. So that’s them feeling dreadful with you.

You’ve asked what to do. It might be good to be a bit stoic, and not join in the discussions. Alienating your SIL even more is not going to help, not in the short term and certainly not in the long term. Now you know SIL’s plans, a meeting between you, your wife and MIL would be a good idea. You need to make your own plans to deal with the future. Getting some nice AL brochures could be a good idea to get you all talking about different options. Try to cheer everyone up! Yours, Margaret

I'm sorry, I'm feeling no empathy here, except maybe for you since you are caught in the middle.

Your SIL moved away to a new job, to a new town and a new place that she owns. Congrats to her. I'm sure she thought quite a bit about doing this before she finally did it. Her future financial security is important to her, now that she is divorced. Not only that, the fact that she was renting probably reminded her of her financial insecurity day-after-day. She probably had some form of depression that moving to a new city will help. I know I did after I got divorced.

Your Mom and your wife however, are upset that she moved away. You didn't say how well off SIL was after all her monthly expenses (and if she did have a lot saved, does it really matter?) Alimony is no longer forever, plus the person who pays alimony sometimes doesn't pay. It doesn't sound like SIL wanted to help take care of Mom. It also sounds like SIL didn't really want to be around you guys for whatever reason. You could call her selfish or a whole host of names. On the other hand, she owes it to herself to get mentally healthy after the divorce.

Your Mom and sister fretting about her that she has moved away? Maybe that is why she did move. She wanted to be independent and without her life being scrutinized. I know that is why I moved away for college.

My opinion: quit fretting and start making plans for the future. If your MIL has moderate dementia, how is she taking care of herself? Does she have 24 x 7 care? Does she rely on family help at a "drop at a hat" and for everything? What plans have you made for the future when her dementia gets worse?

It is clear that your SIL wants to be minimally involved. As you make plans, do not include her in the plans. In addition, if you and your wife are feeling the burden of taking care of your MIL all by yourselves, then you guys need to figure out what you want to focus your efforts on, put priority on those tasks and start "farming out" the rest. You can attempt to include your SIL and adult child in your holiday gatherings and events, however, don't expect her to attend nor pressure her to attend.

Putting your MIL in MC might be the best thing for your MIL in the long run. As the dementia gets worse, she will need help toileting, she may start to wander or she will not be able to walk, she may need help being fed, she may start doing all sorts of behaviors that are not rational. I personally suspect that moving someone into MC early rather than later might be a good thing. That way, everyone can get used to a new routine of everyday living and visiting, before "muscle memory" is all that is left.

As for your role? I would be supportive of your wife, hear her complaints, however offer no advice unless she asks for it. For your MIL, I would deflect all her complaints and opinions to your wife. You can hear MIL complain, but do not offer opinions or advice, just empathize and deflect. Any advice that you have should go through and be stated by your wife, especially to her mother. If your MIL is like my Mom, male opinions override all others, even males she hardly knows. When your MIL presses for your opinion, start conditioning your MIL to accept what your wife says. Its going to be more and more important to your MIL's care to totally trust just one person and from a personal viewpoint, a lot easier on your wife in the future.

Good luck as you help your wife and MIL through this journey and help them move forward.

This OP needs to quit whining and grow up along with his crying wife. I can understnd exactly why SIL moved away. This crew is too needy and emotional. Three drama queens!

Oh, the drama!

"Destroying" your lives?

Oh, please.

SIL made a choice as did you and your wife. Mom belongs in memory care, not in her home, and everyone could live their lives. Just because you and your wife chose to fall on your swords doesn't mean SIL is oblagated to.

Tell your wife to stop crying and grow up.

I don't get the "and the family has been destroyed" part, as well as the “she (your wife) SUDDENLY(?) can’t rely on her sister” 

Maybe I read too fast but this person wasn't much of a family member or helpful contributor.

Man, you sound hysterical. For one thing, don’t say anything to your SIL. What is there to say that would make a difference? Forget her.

Back at the ranch, I recommend you cinch it up a little. Crying daily? Please duck out for some air, take a walk when they’re on a crying jag. Mess around in the garage. Bring home some ice cream or a pizza. This is not the end of the world. You guys have been alone for always and honorably doing for your MIL, by yourselves, non-stop for way too long. You have lost yourself. 

Mister, you sound like a good guy, a supportive guy, but you’ve got to take a break from these women. Taking a break is not abandonment and I’m not saying a man can’t be emotional but for your own mental health you’ve got to go to a ballgame, fishing, whittle, meditate, run or knit (Rosie Grier did) but be by yourself for an hour. I’m going to get clobbered but you sound like a woman. Your being swallowed up. Is that selfish?... Really? Inexcusable?... Scr*w her. Forget her. Take a deep breath, do online research or get a recommendtion for Geriatric Care Management and drop the whole shebang in that professional's lap and into the laps of those that the manager recommends. OMG you need to hang out with guys more. I'm telling you these women have done surgery on you. No one’s going to die in the next 2 minutes. 

Right now, I mean it, go to the park by yourself and watch a basketball game, or a kid flying a kite.

How do I help my wife and her mother get through this you ask. Tell the Geriatric Care Manager that he or she needs to give a phone number for a support group to your wife without saying that you asked her to do that. And don’t go with your wife. Take a break. Go later with your wife if you want to but…holy geewiz for heaven's sake you got me hysterical.

For your wife, all you have to do is ask her if there is something you can do, listen, hug her, say you understand, and then duck out for a Kombucha.

Your SIL didn’t destroy your lives. The way you manage your life, problems and happiness is your responsibility. Holy Mackerel take a hint and get on with it. Boy you all gave SIL a lot of power. You maybe misdirecting your rage from the real target but that's not good either. Just take care of business one step at a time and get your life, and marital life back.

I'm looking at this from a different perspective,, How often on here do we read about CGs who "can't do it anymore" and want to get on with thier lives. And what do we almost always tell them? To get out and get on with it! And here goes someone, taking our advice,, and moving away to get control of thier life back,,, We don;t know her side of the story,, maybe she is getting "hints" all the time about helping more, or not being a "good enough" daughter / sister. Who knows? But I say good for her for taking control of what she can. So she has never lived in that town before,, dosen't know anyone? Maybe she wants a fresh start. People do that all the time. She seems to have thought it out and gotten a job, bought a house.. good for her! ( In fact, just in my top several topics to read on here at least 4 are about CGs who want to leave, or know what to do due to burnout,, and every one has been told to move on.. LOL )

If I lived in California i would move too. While she might be making less money in her new state compared to cost of living in California she is probably living 1000% better there than in that tax hell hole of a state. Not to mention the ridiculous cost of housing there. You guys might want to consider moving too.

Mom may be 80 but that doesnt mean she will be gone soon. There are many people on this forum who have parents that are over 90 and many over 100 and still going strong.

How long is sister supposed to put her life on hold for mom? Maybe mom is not the nicest of people. Maybe mom and sister did not have a good relationship.

If your wife cannot handle taking care of mom on her own them you should be encouraging her to place mom. Right now mom is dependent on your wife and you for everything. This means she is not capable of living alone.

I don't understand your wife crying daily over sister moving. Sounds like she is crying because she lost another caregiver for mom and not that sister moved. From your post it doesn't even sound like sister and sister were close or sister and mom were close.

How can you help wife? Start helping her see mom needs to be placed somewhere. And support her when she comes to said realization.

OP, you want to hear that what your SIL did was 'pretty crappy' and that she shouldn't have done what she did, particularly b/c you helped her when she needed it. And now she's fled when you needed her. You are right; what she did was pretty crappy. Be that as it may, you now have a choice to put SIL out of your mind (as she has done with YOU, your wife & her mother) and figure out what to DO next, or continue licking your wounds while SIL has a good old time living her new life. Fact is, you can't 'make' a person give a care about others or 'make' them have empathy or sympathy for the plight of their family members. That's the truth.

The advice here is given to you to say 'move on now' and who cares about your SIL and what she's up to now? Who will be there for HER when SHE needs help remains to be seen as well, b/c in reality, we normally get what we give in life. You were there for her once, but chances are good that you will NOT be there for her again if she comes calling with needs, remembering how she left you high and dry now. If there's such a thing as 'karma', that's it.

Your wife is entitled to mourn this loss, but not for too long; the sister isn't worth it. She has bigger fish to fry now in terms of what to do with mom. Mom can afford Assisted Living, so don't think of it as a 'facility' but as a senior living residence which she is fortunate enough to be able to afford. Lucky her; not all of us are in such a situation. My mother's AL was like an upscale hotel and her apartment was luxury all the way. The gardens outside were like something out of Better Homes & Gardens, tbh. The dining room had a beautiful menu and open seating so she could sit with different residents nightly/daily. The activity room had a wooden dance floor and live entertainment on the weekends with dancing; happy hour on Fridays, too. They had parties for holidays with buffet meals for the residents & their families, costume parties for Halloween, Christmas tree decorating contests, the list was endless. Trips on the mini bus several times a week, not just to grocery stores but to plays downtown and operas, etc. AL offers your MIL autonomy and other seniors to kvetch with; a reason to get all dolled up every day and to wear her good jewelry. Don't kid yourself and don't listen to people trying to convince you AL is some sort of hellhole or dungeon b/c that's just not true. Find a GOOD one where the residents are happy and looking healthy and well dressed. Speak to THEM about how they like living there. Set MIL up with a doctor who comes into the AL and she'll be thrilled to make her own appointments. And eat what she wants when she wants, and do her own thing 24/7. Instead of relying on 2 people for her entertainment, social life, conversations, meals and life in general. How boring is THAT, when you really stop to think about it? Life for a senior should be like a smorgasbord instead of toast & tea every day.

That's your best bet. Live YOUR best life and put SIL out of your mind. Allow MIL to live HER best life too, independently, and that's how you all thrive. Take a vacation with your wife once mom is safe & living in AL, just b/c you CAN.

Good luck.

Why be so eager to adopt hurt feelings over SIL’s actions? Why is it so difficult to accept that people make decisions that aren’t in our best interests but in theirs? Wasting time weeping and wailing about her decisions gets in the way of dealing with this difficult situation. Suck it up and tend to the matter at hand, which is finding a good assisted living for the LO.

I bet there is more to the story for SIL. My sister moved 1000 miles away from mother with her husband and son. She had every right to move and make the best choices for her family but my selfish entitled mother never let it go. Ironically my mother had moved about the same distance away from her mother when she was younger. It was really hard on my sister to be constantly berated and criticized. You and your wife can make your decision on what you want to do with mother but so can SIL. Leave SIL alone.

Taimed, thanks for the follow-up.

Have you consulted an eldercare attorney about MiL'S ability to qualify for Medicaid?

Your SIL didn't need to have any conversations about moving, she's a grown woman. I think I can see why she has separated herself from the family.

It is NOT your adult children's responsibility to prop you up in your old age, that is on the parents to make plans for their own future. Then the family can be advocates and provide enrichment and remain sons, daughters, grandchildren, etc.

You told us yourself that your MIL has always been difficult and demanding with her children, why would you obligate them to continue to accept the abuse?

Thanks for all the followups. Rather than address them one at a time I will try to address them all in one post.

First, let me talk about finances. MIL will not qualify for Medicaid because she has a substantial pension but she rents the house she lives in and has no assets to her name other than a few thousand dollars in her bank account. Her pension is enough to cover assisted living here in California, but barely and it depends on the facility. So far it has made more financial sense to hire caregivers to come to the house. It has also given MIL the dignity of living in her own space. However, this comes at a cost in terms of our time to arrange for the services, make sure bills are paid, etc. I do most of that and I am happy to do it. I think her daughter (my wife's sister) should be more involved in her own mother's care being a blood relative, but she's not and we can't make her. FWIW, she doesn't help with their dad either who lives in Florida. It might have been nice if maybe she could have done that by either moving to Florida (he owns his own home outright there) or convincing dad to move with her to her new state. Dad will be a looming problem eventually as well although he is doing fine at the moment.

Second, my wife isn't just hurt because her sister won't help with their mother but also because it seems she doesn't value the relationship with her. Their mother will be 80 next year so she will be dead soon enough, but when that happens then that will be the end of the family. So my wife is really mourning the end of the family and her sister's lack of desire to remain a part of it. This move was hasty and caught everyone by surprise. Yes, I do feel she is running away and sticking us with mom. What I have not mentioned is that when my SIL first got divorced and her son was 8 years old she was a stay-at-home mom. Her child support was puny because her husband did not make a lot of money but also because she didn't really demand what she was owed. She could not live on the money she was making so she and her son moved in with us for a few years where she didn't work and lived rent-free. In the past she also lived with mom rent-free when she had nowhere to go. I say this not because I feel like she owes us anything, but to address the question of whether we'd be willing to help her if she needed it and of course we would. However, I bet if my wife asked if she could live with her when I pass the answer would probably be "No" so I hope that gives you an idea of what type of person she is. She definitely takes more than she gives. Even so, my wife views her as the only family she will have in a decade or so and yet not only did she leave but as someone said she made it clear mom is our problem now. Even though her help was minimal it was SOMETHING and now it won't be anything at all. Thanks a lot.

I think the advice about putting mom in AL is good. That would have been a lot easier with someone (in addition to us) to visit her and help her get adjusted. Instead, this move has caused by MIL to go off the rails so to speak. It made what was already a bad situation a lot worse emotionally as my MIL has come to the realization that one of her daughters just doesn't care what happens to her. That's a lot of take in and now we have to move her out of her house and into a facility, too? That will be a very difficult time and my SIL won't be here to deal with it. How convenient. So, yes, we are angry at her. She took the first job she could find out of state and fled. It's not just WHAT she did, but HOW she did it by leaving us holding the bag. Can her mom go live closer to her (maybe even in AL) in the new state? What happens with dad when the time comes? There were a whole lot of conversations tied to her desire to move that should have been had that never were.

I have 4 siblings and some are more responsible and closer than others so I know how it goes, but what my wife's sister has done to us is pretty crappy.

I'm an only child, in charge of dealing with BOTH elderly parents, alone, for 10.5 years until they both passed. No siblings to rely on at all. No family stepped up to help me, either, nor did I expect them to.

Your sister in law did what she felt was right for herself. If that was selfish, so be it. Do what YOU have to do to move on with your OWN lives and forget about what your SIL did to move on with her own life. Resentment is like acid; it will eat YOU up inside while SHE is living her life happy as a lark!

Get your MIL placed in Memory Care Assisted Living so you and your wife can live without the burden of caring for an elder with dementia. And w/o so much crying and resentment that your SIL chose to move away.

That's the right decision, really. Then everyone can go visit your MIL in her new apartment whenever they want to, and all the resentment and finger pointing can be put to rest, once and for all. Life's too short for all this, it really is.

My parents liked Assisted Living quite a bit. My mother thrived in AL after dad died; the ladies all rallied around her and helped the widow come into the fold. Once I had to move her into Memory Care, she thrived there too. She had way way WAY too many issues for me to manage myself at home; she required a team of caregivers working 24/7 to care for her, in reality. And they did a fine job of it, too. So I was able to be a daughter instead of a burned out caregiver to her, and she got great care from a team of loving caregivers AND lots of visits from me, her son in law and her grandkids. Win/win situation for everyone concerned.

It seems to me in a family with more than 1 child/sibling, there will always be that ONE child who's burdened down with the lion's share of all the caregiving duties. While the others move away or go on with their lives, the one with the big heart is the one who's feeling 'stuck' with all the duties. That is the job she's taken ON, however, out of the goodness of her heart. If she can't handle it, then she needs to wave the white flag and say ENOUGH! **Especially if the mother is also a manipulative woman with a tendency toward passive/aggressive histrionics & threats to kill herself if she doesn't get her way, like my mother was** Dementia is something most of us cannot handle alone, nor should we even attempt to. It honestly takes a village TO care for a demented elder, which is why Memory Cares are popping up like flowers on every street corner in the country. #Truth.

Wishing you the best of luck relying on yourselves to accomplish the caregiving needs your MIL requires, recognizing it may take Memory Care to achieve it.

there's nothing you can or should say to your sister in law, it is not your job or your wife's to change others or guilt-trip them. i understand that it is disheartening to lose the hope of someone else who will help, but as she has never helped much i don't think this situation should be surprising. i think your wife needs therapy to deal with this grief and anger because it sounds excessive and will never change if she just gets stuck in that spiral day after day. this is evidence of dysfunction with mother-daughter relationship that has probably never been addressed. i'm quite certain the sister is moving now precisely BECAUSE the care is reaching a point of no return in terms of difficulty. she likely has thought for a long time that mom should be in a care home and for that reason has not been involved with care, knowing she could not convince mom or sister of the reality of the situation. she has to do what she has to do for her well-being and she may lose her family members in the process but it sounds like she has been keeping her distance already. which may be for good reason, if the mother in question has been difficult their entire lives. it is unfortunate that your wife is the one who feels her mother's happiness is her own job, but she can't force that job on others. at this point it will be best to put the mother in a care home, regardless of her threats, and possibly a round of anti-anxiety meds for all. my mom's memory car has a geriatric psychiatrist who has her on some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds that have made a HUGE difference.

Many of us don't even have a sibling.
When we do, we are not in charge of that sibling, nor of the choices of that sibling.
And we certainly cannot CHANGE that sibling.
So the single thing you can say to Wife and her Mom is that they can torment themselves and chatter on about it, or they can accept it and move on with life. The sister won't be changed, and attempting to do that changing, or steeping one's self in anger does no good to anyone.
I would wish Sister well, understanding she isn't there to support me or Mom. I would treat her throughout life much as I would an acquaintance of whom I am not overly fond. Let her get on with her life and wish her well, and get on with your own.
Being hurt is part of life. Being helpless is part of life. Being unable to change others, and frustrated about their inability to "be like us" is part of life as well. It's important not to make the frustrations of those things the all of our lives.
The good news here is that you have the love and support of one another, and love your wife's Mom, and will do all you can to do what you think is best for her while you are able. It is more difficult to be alone in these situations.
I was alone in charge of my brother's care in the last year of his life. I sometimes wondered, difficult as it was, if it might not have been worse with an unwilling sibling to be frustrated over and disappointed with. It isn't always an awful thing to be alone.
I wish you the best. Try simply to stay off the subject of this person who really isn't concerns with your lives or your thoughts about it.

taimedowne, I think your words and energy would be bet utilized helping your wife see that her mthrs manipulation and refusal to get the care she needs, doesn't obligate her or you or her sister to step in.

Anyone that threatens suicide to get their own way is a pos and quite frankly, shut up and get er done, is my opinion. I was raised by a woman that used that threat and took halfazzed action when words weren't enough to get her way. It only stopped when she almost succeeded and she ended up in a psych ward. It's a hateful thing to do and deserves no consideration from those being manipulated.

Did she use this manipulation tactic while her daughters were growing up? Because this could explain a whole lot of the dynamics between the 3. One wants to keep mommy happy and contented so she doesn't abandon us by killing herself, so I'll be really good and obedient and she won't die and the other has decided that she isn't going to take responsibility for mommy's actions and mommy can off herself if she chooses, she needs to secure her own future and mommy can suffer the consequences of her behavior and choices. Just a thought. Because you have posted about how awful your MIL was to your wife her entire life and yet, she feels obligated, as a grown, married woman to let mommy run her life. She wouldn't be responsible if her mommy did kill herself, nobody can make someone take that selfish action, regardless of what they spew.

When your MIL starts crying about her daughter not caring about her, turn the tables and ask why she doesn't care about her daughter. Because she is a single woman, trying to secure her future and somehow it's all about mommy and sister. That is what is selfish.

Has your wife ever had any therapy to help her escape from the dysfunction she has with her mom? It would benefit her greatly to find a way out from under mommy's thumb.

As for your SIL. She deserves a standing ovation for being brave enough to find her own path in life, face the unknown all alone and not get sucked into the mommy vortex.

Edit: to add, you seem upset that you had to go to your SILs house to celebrate her birthday. Well, unless it's something I really want to do, I don't want to drive 2 hours on my birthday either. It truly seems like the expectations were, she should be the one putting in all the effort to see everyone and that gets old fast. Relationships are two way streets or they are dead ends. Going to her and having an attitude about it, she knows even if nothing is said, she has good detection for that because of who raised her. I can tell my families mood by how they say hello and I know that staying engaged to long will end badly if they are in a crap mood.

Your SIL isn't the real issue here, it's your selfish MIL and your wife's inability to tell her no. Please encourage your wife to seek help to get out of this cycle that will make her sick.

I have to agree. I think your SIL has been trying to say she wants nothing to do with Moms care for a while. Maybe just had no idea how to say it knowing how your wife and MIL would react.

I can't find the post CTTN55 refers to from 2019. Is your MIL a difficult person to deal with? Did SIL have a good relationship with her? Seems she really has done nothing to help up to now, what makes you think that she would do anything as MIL worsens. She is a single woman who needs to work.

I am one of 3 (other 2 boys) and it was all on me. Did I get mad, not worth the energy. You and wife have some decisions to make. MIL will not be able to be on her own much longer. I hope MIL has POAs in place. You will need them. If MIL can't live with u, then you are going to need to place her in an AL. As said, selling the house to pay for her care. You do not owe MIL your lives to care for her. Your wife has choices just like SIL. SIL made the choice she was not going to do any caring. Your wife has that option too.

When my SIL tried to manage my retirement life via caring for MIL with commitments on weekly basis, I was soooooo angry. Because… she did not respect my first answer and created a lot of ugly feelings via ugly emails and text to entire family. Yourpost actually triggers this up, that’s how much anguish it created.

Back to you. It’s probably time to make some future plans for MIL. get all you ducks in a row for possible Medicaid etc. Make sure all documents are in place. All contact information for accounts, physicians , HIPPA papers signed . Find a care advisor in your area, get someone local… this person knows what care facilities are available..cost, amenities, requirements when she runs out of money.you don’t pay for this service, they are paid by the placement facility., Tell them your just shopping now, … but doing all the above helps you sort what is what.

Now, if your wife is upset because she/ MIL had planned on inheritance by keeping mom home… maybe the outlook needs some open mindedness. That’s what you and your wife should try doing, be open minded to change.

I bring this up because my in laws were set on keeping their parents home…. For inheritance… but at the cost of my freedom….

Good Morning Folks,

When I read this I thought, this too is my story--you almost can't believe it. But it's how you handle it.

Every family is the same...there are the one's who roll up their sleeves and other's abandon ship and make no qualms about it. This goes on in the workplace, Church, neighborhood--basically the "same" people do everything.

When people say "sometime" that usually never comes to fruition.

It's even worse if you babysit for free while women pursue careers and continue their education and then don't reciprocate when the elderly need help and are frail. You would just assume they would want to help and pitch in. But then again Life isn't even Steven.

You probably have a higher consciousness. And, yes, others will let you sacrifice, disrupt your daily life and not offer a helping hand, and they might even think you're a sucker for doing it.

What do you do? You can bring in every service you can lay your hands on. Make an appointment with an Elder Attorney, Social Worker and go on the portal for the Primary Care Doctor.

Make yourself familiar with medical insurance so that you are NOT "unnecessarily" spending out-of-pockets for items which may be covered--toothpaste, shower chair, railings on the toilet, etc.

Bring in physical therapy, speech therapy, CNA, VNA, cleaning lady, home blood draw.

You may not like this but it is what it is. Don't count on your sister-in-law. This is how she wants it. Now, you could give her the benefit of the doubt--housing everywhere is through the roof. Many people are uprooting stakes and relocating. They have no choice. They have to live where they can afford.

Your sister-in-law is probably trying to put the gas mask on herself first. She's probably afraid that if she doesn't do this she'll sink or swim. Perhaps at this point in time another person (your mother-in-law) is not on the radar.

You can't wait for people to respond the way you would have expected. Call on the troops, bring in Church people on a Sunday--if things improve perhaps a one morning a week daily respite program.

Has your sister-in-law ever thought what if she gets sick? Now the shoe is on the other foot.

Don't do overreach. I, too, used to give up my lunch hour, walk across town to hand deliver my sister her birthday gift. Baby sister always needed a lot of attention.

Draw a line in the sand. Just out of curiosity do you get a birthday celebration. Basically, she is gradually trying to break off ties to give herself the courage she needs to do what she thinks she needs to do in her life to stay afloat.

Let her go and live your life.

I understand the frustration. Everyone is always at choice.

There are ways to help lighten the load on 1 particular person. This could include food shopping, light cleaning, laundry, assisting with medical appointments if possible. Some people work full time and cannot take time off to assist with these sorts of things.

The heavier parts of caregiving, hands on stuff isn’t for everyone. People need to honor themselves and their loved ones and admit this. Setting clear boundaries on this years before a crisis is needed to protect the mental health of everyone involved.

It appears your SIL has been far removed from the situation for a long time. Maybe your MIL and wife were hoping she would step up more and hasn’t and now appears never will. It’s a hard pill to swallow. I feel that you and your wife should focus on next steps and what’s best for everyone in the situation.

Let me ask you a question, what do you and your wife want?

I understand your venting as the looming reality of being the only caregivers for your MIL are weighing on you both. You have plenty of company on this forum!

Your wife/you are under no obligation to provide hands-on care for your MIL. Your SIL is under no obligation to have a relationship with her mother, even if this fact is painful -- we don't get to chose our families but we get to chose if and how we interact with them.

My husband says that "expectations are premeditated anger" because when we have an expectation of something -- and then it doesn't happen like we imagined -- it makes us angry. Your SIL is having some sort of financial issues (being a single parent) and her first priority is to her child, not to her mother. Maybe she is having a private crisis...she's not obligated to tell anyone -- especially people she thinks have "expectations" of her and are maybe somewhat judge-y (in her opinion). Her reasons for staying at a distance are legitimate -- for her.

There are solutions for alternate for your MIL. If your MIL has the funds, you can hire a Geriatric Care Manager to do the heavy lifting of tasks you don't wish to do. Hopefully your MIL has all her legal ducks in a row (your wife is DPoA, created an Advance Healthcare Directive, Last Will & Testament, etc.) If not this has to happen asap before her dementia/memory impairment advances. See a certified elder law attorney. Maybe also consult with a Medicaid Planner so that you 2 can have the full landscape of what options there can be for paying for MIL's care. I wish you much wisdom, clarity and peace in your hearts!

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