My wife's mother lives about 10 minutes away from us. She is still in her own home, but she requires a lot of attention because she has moderate dementia. We see her almost every day - at least 5 days per week - and take care of her bills, her shopping, and usually go out to lunch with her.
My wife's sister lives an hour away from mom, but she rarely comes over - perhaps once every other month. She didn't even come over to Christmas. In fact, when she came for Thanksgiving dinner she brought Christmas presents for us and mom with her, which we felt was an extremely rude way of saying "I don't want to see you guys for Christmas" - and she didn't despite the fact that she was home all by herself.
She is a single divorced mom with an adult child who lives out-of-state. She has no boyfriends nor close female friends. We invited her out for her own birthday, but she would not come. We ended up driving with mom to see her and celebrate at her place. It is so difficult to get her to come visit or assist with her mom's care other than taking her mom to the doctor once per year even though we take her to the doctor often.
Anyway, she announced to the family that she is quitting her job and moving to another state 1,000 miles away. She says she is moving because it is less expensive there and she can afford to buy a home whereas she just rents here. I think that's a good goal, but it has made both my wife and their mother furious that she is abandoning them.
It's like she just said "Well, hope it all works out for you guys" just as her mom's care is getting more demanding. At first her mom wanted to go, too, but now my sister-in-law is saying that she can't take mom because her new house is too small for them both (she conveniently bought a very small house), but that mom can "visit" sometimes.
I guess I am mostly venting, but I am also trying to understand how I can help my wife and her mom cope with this abandonment. My wife feels betrayed and forced to be a caregiver. Her mom keeps saying "She doesn't care about me."
From my perspective, I guess my wife's sister has a right to live her own life, but the timing seems especially bad. It was pretty crummy to barely lift a finger while she was close by, but there is an air of finality to it now that she's leaving. We know she won't be any help to us or her mom at all. We were sort of hoping she could eventually help more as things devolved, but she is leaving right when things are getting worse.
They (my wife and her mom) are also worried because my sister-in-law is moving to a new town where she doesn't know anyone. She just picked a town she could afford, found a job there, bought a house, and moved in the span of 2 months and without really telling anyone anything other than she was applying for jobs out of state. Next was "I got a job and I am going to take it" followed by "I bought a house" and then "Maybe mom can come up sometime once I have settled in." Just like that from applying for a job to moving. The new job pays less than she was making here, by the way, so it was not some great financial opportunity and she had never even BEEN to the town she bought her house in.
Is that selfish? Is that excusable? Her mom probably doesn't have that many good years left where she will even be able to recognize us and she just packed up and left. My wife says it was a huge middle finger to her and the family has been destroyed.
How do I help my wife and her mother get through this? My sis-in-law obviously isn't moving back. She knows she hurt my wife, but she says she has to live her own life. In the process she is destroying ours, though. My wife and her mom both cry daily and then there are fits of rage, too. They say they feel like my sis-in-law has died. My own emotional well-being is suffering as a result. What, if anything, should I tell my sister-in-law? My wife is thinking she may need to put mom in a home since she now suddenly can't rely on her sister for anything.
Give the guy a break, he's in a frustrating situation, regardless of how he got there, or what he should do. Dumping on him doesn't help, and sure as heck isn't going to win him over to your point of view.
First, I don't believe it's judgmental to disagree with someone. Being judgmental, to me, is asking things like "how can you have such a stupid opinion?" or "you are just the worst person in the world to feel that way". I don't see anything of that sort here on this post.
Secondly, he's not just venting; he did ask questions that 1) call for an opinion: "Is that selfish?"; "Is that excusable?" and 2) ask for advice: "How do I help my wife and her mother get through this?".
If you're going to ask questions, you have to expect you might get answers you don't like. If you're not ready to hear the answers, don't ask the question.
She has the right to live her own life. You can make her make the same choices your wife did. Mom needs to be in assisted living so everyone can get their own lives back. It sounds like your lives revolve around mom . That doesn’t sound healthy to me.
You say in your post that you and wife were "sort of hoping she (SIL) would get more involved (with caregiving) as things devolved." Did you stop and think that maybe that's the real reason WHY your SIL moved so far away? To send the unmistakable message that she will NOT become the slave to caregiving that you all seem to think she should? You speak about how hurt your wife is over this - but has she hurt her sister as well? Has she been constantly haranguing her sister to give assistance to mom's caregiving, even though SIL has made it clear that she is not willing? If SIL were to come here and tell HER version of this story, might it go something like "My sister and mom forced me to move 1000 miles away because they wouldn't take no for an answer"?
Frankly, I commend her for taking the actions she did. And whether you will recognize it or not, she has done you a huge favor by removing any ambiguity over the situation - without a second "set of hands" it is going to be next to impossible for you and wife to manage MIL's care, in her home, by yourselves. Which I think you have already recognized but are having trouble communicating to your wife and getting her to accept it.
Your wife's thinking that her mom might need placement is spot on. The best way to help everyone in this situation - wife, MIL, SIL and yourself - is to help your wife and MIL make the placement.
Here is the outsider's understanding of what you have told us, to recap: your SIL has had little involvement in MIL's care, and no more to do with the family than duty demands. She makes decisions and plans to secure her future as a single woman without dependants. Your wife's and your MIL's reaction is to go into hysterical mourning and treat this as a personal rejection, an act of spiteful selfishness on your SIL's part that means she must be forever dead to them.
Your SIL may have had a whole lifetime of this b/s. My first guess is that she is making an escape bid.
That sounds neither wise nor safe.
No one's life should be held hostage to a parent's unwise choices, especially a parent with dementia. It's time for a new plan.
Your MIL NEEDED residential care years ago, and now needs residential care EVEN MORE.
Your SIL is NOT “destroying” your life. She has done you the BIGGEST FAVOR anyone could have done.
She has shown you, in a very dramatic way, that your MIL NEEDS 24/7/365 care, and that your wife is losing her life by not taking active measures to provide that.
What should you tell your sister-in-law? You should tell her that you appreciate her courage and strength. SHE did not “hurt” your wife, she made a difficult decision and took GOOD CARE of HERSELF.
Your wife was needs to do what her sister did. I hope you and your wife can make a decision that will provide SAFE and HUMANE CARE for her mother, and thereby GIVE YOUR WIFE THE FREEDOM TO LIVE HER OWN LIFE.
Doesn’t she deserve it?
The good news is that you live in CA, which only has a 2.5 year lookback period for Medicaid. Of course, Medicaid may or may not be a possibility in your MIL's case. Since she still owns her own home, that might sell for a pretty penny in the LA area, correct? And that could fund her living in a facility.
Your W never had a good relationship with her mother, and now she knows that she is increasingly going to become her mother's caregiving slave. What happens when MIL can no longer safely live alone? Can she still live safely alone?
Just as your W's sister moved away to live her own life, does NOT mean that your W cannot take HER own life back, too.
Does someone have POA/HCPOA? Your W?
You may get many replies advising how sister should stay & provide equal care.
For the sake of balance.. here is the other viewpoint (imho)...
Is it selfish to want to work to earn? Live where you can afford housing? Live within your means?
Is it selfish to take responsibility for your own life?
Is it NOT or LESS selfish to continue to live outside your means, to continue to rent, to offer your services as caregiver for free, to be tied by family servitude expectations at the very real risk to your own health, happiness & financial future?
Think about why she is leaving.
Think about why you want her to stay. Think about the expectations you have.
My advice is not to fall into the 'we are the victims here'.
Respect your SIL's choice as an independent free thinking adult. What's to be gained from telling her to stay? Just hurt on both sides. (The more you try to push, the more she will pull away).
It's OK to feel SAD she is leaving..
I say, if you need more help with MIL - arrange it.
I am truly sorry if I appear rude - not my intention.
I have prior experience of others wishing to tell me where to live, to cease paid work to provide free family labour, h3ll even not to move away as their pets may need future sitting! I was called *selfish* for putting my housing needs above everyone else's convenience. My councellor told me to move 4 hours away - minimum. For self-protection.
It's the very definition of irony.