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I was blessed to be at my Mom's side when she passed. After being in and out of a nursing home during 2019, they sent her home (the day before Thanksgiving), as Medicare would no longer pay for her to be in the nursing home, as she could no longer perform rehab. I was frustrated that I would be her 24 hour caregiver, and miss Thanksgiving with my family. Little did I know at that time that it would be a blessing that I had the "opportunity" to be with her at this time. We had the wonderful assistance of hospice and she and I had the opportunity to bond even more at this time. She was of sound mind and, after 6 days, she no longer could eat or drink. She was able to tell me of the new world that she wanted to go to and could speak with me lucidly, while looking to the side at another plane. I cannot tell you how grateful I was to be there when she passed. I told her, as you did your dad, that it was okay for he to go. She asked me "will you worry" - please don't worry - I told her I wouldn't worry. She left us within 9 hours of the talk. My final days with her were recorded on the Nest camera, that we had in her living room (where her temporary hospital bed was installed). We had utilized the camera over the past 6 years for security and which enabled me to check and speak to her from my cell phone. She enjoyed being watched and I had peace of mind, knowing she was okay. I am doubly blessed, as our goodbyes are a permanent record that I can look at whenever I wish. Yes, it makes me cry, but it also is healing. I will never regret my time with her. I know you're frustrated -- I was, as well, until I recognized that she would be gone soon.
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My father finally gave his last breath Wednesday afternoon. All 5 of his children, 2 daughters-in-law and a granddaughter had been at his house for several days. From his bedroom, Dad could hear us all in the next room, laughing, remembering, enjoying being together. He couldn't participate much, but knew we were there and we each spent some private alone time at his bedside.
The last 2 days he was asking if there was anything he should be doing. Mom usually said "no, just go to sleep". After reading posts about unfinished business I started answering with saying the bills were all paid, the paperwork was all put away, the checkbook was balanced, his e-mail correspondence was caught up, the lawn was mowed and the Yankees won. He noticeably relaxed and could doze off for a couple hours.
When he finally passed there were 10 of us surrounding his bed, all gently laying a hand on him. We took turns telling Dad our last good byes, thanking him for being such a good father, assuring him we would take care of Mom. He passed in a room bursting with love and respect for him.
In hindsight we can never know why he hung in so long. Maybe it is simply because he was incredibly healthy. He was old, but had no heart disease, kidney trouble, high blood pressure or cholesterol, diabetes or anything. This time last year he was golfing and driving! Alzheimer's does not take a life in a kindly manner.
Thanks to all of you who offered your personal stories and advice. It was very helpful to know people who had been through it were kind enough to help me go through it as well.
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NobodyGetsIt Aug 2020
Dear "swanalaka,"

I am so sorry for the loss of your father but, I must say what an inspiring message of what I consider to be a triumphant moment. I mean no disrespect when I say I smiled when during his last two days he was asking if there was anything he should be doing. I love that you told him all of the things that were taken care of! Death is never easy but, what a wonderful way for him to leave with all of you in the next room being together as a family, each one spending private time alone at his bedside and then finally all 10 of you surrounding his bed laying a gentle hand on him. He knew and felt all your love and respect - it doesn't get any better than that. And though it is a very sad time for all of you, I'm so glad it was filled with such beautiful moments for him as well as the rest of your family. You will always have those precious memories to reflect on. I know you will be supporting and loving one another as you all begin the grieving process. You are extremely fortunate to having a great family!

God bless you and your family -
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