My daughter is a nursing student working as a caregiver for an elderly woman living in her daughter's home. She often witnesses the daughter (call her J) yelling at her mother, intimidating her, threatening to throw her out if she doesn't do/not do various things, not giving her mom her 6 am meds because she "didn't want to wake her," and leaving her in bed for extended periods. Today, the woman told my daughter she really wished she knew why J doesn't like her.
More experienced caregivers in the home have just told my daughter that "J gets like that" and to just ignore it. My daughter is having a hard time doing that, but doesn't want to quit, hoping she is a positive in the lady's life. She also hesitates to make a report, fearing that investigation will worsen the woman's situation. She is also hesitant to open the subject with J, who is apparently pretty intimidating, for the same reason - as well as wanting to keep her job.
I've offered all the ideas I can think of - can anyone offer some advice? I know that there is likely a lifetime of baggage that impacts the pair's current relationship. As an outsider, the situation looks like emotional abuse to me, as well as possible neglect.
For those who are wondering, I am aware that me posting rather than my daughter is odd. She just texted me on a break while at work, upset about the latest interaction, so I thought I'd get the ball rolling.
Thanks!
A student nurse shouldn't feel as though she's put on the spot. And presumably the care organization has a chain of command.
The supervisor can consult with others on the team such as those who've advised the student nurse, and can draw her own conclusions. That's part of being a supervisor.
The student nurse isn't put on the spot for either causing trouble or ignoring abuse. And actually, as a student, she shouldn't have to make that call in the first place.
I was also thinking that some posters respond with updates, some respond with more information and/or elaboration on the same initial issue, some respond with a thank you and others don't respond at all.
Fishing and SA, once again insightful answers. Observers also never know how the dynamics can be reversed in private and the caregiver harassed and/or verbally abused, gradually building up to the kinds of remarks J made to her mother.
We posters often never really know if our posts were even read.
No, we haven't left the building! We've been talking and digesting all the information and opinions you've provided - thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to respond.
The main problem is that there isn't a supervisor to look to; "J" sent an email to the head of the nursing department at my daughter's college looking for students to help with her mom. The director sent it on to the students, and voila, an interview and a job. So J IS the supervisor.
After our last conversation, the plan is to discuss the situation with the nursing department head, since the job originated with her, as well as my daughter's academic advisor, and another student also working at the house who has more clinical experience.
It's been reassuring that many of the discussions we've read here mirror the ones my daughter and I have had about the situation, She doesn't want to make accusations that will create a more stressful or resentful situation both for J and her mom, but she is concerned with what she witnesses. She also knows Mom does not want to go to a nursing home (maybe that's why it's a common threat?) and that if APS determines that J's home is unsuitable, she will likely end up in one. I can already see where that piece of info is going to go!
Please know that neither one of us underestimates the stress of caring for someone in your home. Our own family has a similar situation. Everybody loses it once in awhile - God knows, my child has seen that! She feels that this is something different. If it were clear-cut, we wouldn't be discussing it - we're in that crazy gray area. She wants to help, to do what's best for the woman she's caring for, but isn't sure what that is.
Thank you all again for your input - it's great to know that people will reach out to help in the midst of your own difficulties!
Equally her daughjter may have told her terrible things bout care homes and while I dont want that for my mum I do think a lot of them offer far better care than she is currently getting from her daughter. She will also benefit from interaction with people of the same age
You are absolutely right to do something for if your daughter ignores it she is in effect telling the daughter that her behaviour is OK. It may well be your daughter has to find other work but better that than be an accessory to a criminal act.
Do let us know how she gets on xxxx