Am I wrong to depend on a chemical to help me cope? Isn't there a better way to deal with the exhaustion of caregiving?

I totally understand your concerns. I too resisted going on anti-depressants for two years. I am also almost 62. I had to do something because I was a mess emotionally. It is the best decision I made. Normal again. Give your brain time to heal. I joke now about drugs are good. I've always hated drugs but they saved my job and my family. It is only for a season not the rest of my life.
Blessings.🙏
Just a note it took 3 different kinds to get the right one to work with my body.

I don’t think that trying out medication is a bad idea at all!! I was on Xanax and an anti depressant for quite a while through my Mom’s ordeal. I was her sole heir and POA/ medical POA for about five years as well . I started volunteering for a while first then my confidence went up and I went back to work.
i also would cry every time I visited her, and had the anger/ outbursts as well.
My Mom died about six weeks ago, and while I do miss her, it has been a relief!

Another thumbs up vote for an antidepressant. I couple that with a visit to a counselor as needed. Sometimes once a month...lately every two weeks.
Lots of employers are desperate for good help and would love to have a motivated, dependable, mature person on board.

Go for it. Time to take better care of you.

Any anti-depressant, and I've been on lexapro for years, is a life-saver. We were not meant to work as hard at our age as care-giveing requires. PLEASE go for it! It just replaces chemicals that were naturally in the brain and have deteriorated with what we've been going through.

No, 61 is not too old to work in fast food, but I don't think that will cheer you up. :)

Going through this ugly disease and seeing my mother change and go downhill has been the hardest thing in my life. I am a Christian and know that God will get me through this but it is not easy. I am also taking a prescription. I just found out that my father also has it and he is taking care of her in assisted living. I just made an appointment with a counselor. I just broke down at dinner the other night with my husband and sobbed for a couple of hours. Get the help you need so you can stay strong and not ruin your health. This is also a great forum to hear you are not alone in this.

Hi,
As a professional caregiver for over 25 years I will offer my Experience and some suggestions.

I developed anxiety after being a caregiver for 20 years, unexpressed grief and hormonal changes were part of the picture.. I am 58.

Go to see the physician and ask that the hormone levels be checked. Estrogen, and Cortisol at least.
If you have went through menopause sometimes a little estrogen and progesterone can make a big difference with the emotional and mental component of being a caregiver.
Higher cortisol levels also are indicative of higher stress.
Another suggestion is self care starting with mindfulness training, guided relaxation and or meditations. There are free Apps for smart phones and tablets.

Taking time even 10-20 minutes a day for onself is likened to putting the oxygen on yourself first, then taking care of others.

Anxiety can can be crippling and paralyzing to our work/ vocation. Find creative ways to change the patterns of behaviors that contribute to stress and anxiety, then think about a part time job.

I keep saying I will be a greeter at Walmart after working as a nurse for 25+ years.

Take the best care of yourself, do not avoid asking for help. Reach out and join a caregiver support group as well.
Hope this is supportive,
jeanne J

Pharmaceutical drugs are Never the answer for Anything! You are absolutely right about altering your brain with them. Withdraw is even worse! They are poison and bring you nothing but misery and heartache along with draining your wallet, because you need five more drugs to combat the side effects of the first one.
There are some truly terrific essential oils out there, for instance Bergamot, Lemon and Grapefruit that are wonderful for lifting ones mood. All you need is a decent essential oil diffuser. Or you can mix them with a carrier oil and apply to your skin.
There are so many ways you can use these oils, you just need to do some research and find what’s best for you.
You can look into herbal teas and supplements to help with depression. Make sure they are all organic. Ashwagandha is a good one to try, start out on the lowest dose and find what works. Charlottes Web CBD oil is wonderful, but a bit pricey, but so very worth it.
If you live in a legal state try vaping medical marijuana, the are many different strains that you’ll be able to find one that’s right for you.
Look up online natural ways to lift your mood and see what appeals to you, but please by all means stay off the Big Pharma Hamster wheel of drugs, your body will thank you and you’ll be much happier.
Find a hobby or volunteering, maybe fostering kittens or puppies who need someone special to give them a chance. There’s always someone who could use some help. By helping others your also helping yourself believe it or not.
Again whatever you do run do not walk but run from the doctors office, they are not the answer nor are they gods. In fact they truly could care less about you. And no it wasn’t always this way, but unfortunately it is today.
God Bless you! I’m in your corner rooting for you!

Don't be afraid of pills to help ease the depression. You should be more afraid not to take the pills. Crying each morning, angry outbursts can have devastating consequences in your caregiving and in your own feeling of good health. You're not going to have to take pills the rest of your life . . . just to get you through a challenging time. I too was crying almost every day and was an angry person pushing people away. Sertraline helped me. Your doctor knows best. Trust him to get you through this. As a caregiver advocate, I have seen many caregivers who ended up in the hospital themselves with heart-related stress-induced symptoms.

I've seen many retirement age people working fast food. If you need extra $$, go for it.

I have not read any of the replies, so if this has been suggested already, it just means many of us are on the same page.

If you had developed hypertension while care giving, would you feel that it was inappropriate to take blood pressure medication? If your cholesterol was out of whack would you resist medication? I am not sure why when the brain is having a problem, we do not feel ok about accepting treatment for it, yet when other organs and systems need help we are ok with medication.

I went through a traumatic situation 4 years ago. I was in such bad shape that I could not remember the alphabet to do filing at work. I resisted going on short term disability, but eventually did. We tried one medication to help me sleep but the side effects were worse than the lack of sleep, we tried another medication and it worked for me. I took it as needed for 18 months, with more in the beginning and tapering off over time. If I had not had the medication I would not be where I am now.

Do you need the income from a job, or is it to give you something to do? Where I live 61 is not considered too old for many jobs including fast food. If you just need a reason to get up in the morning (but not funds) volunteer. There are so many volunteer opportunities if you go looking for them. Me, I feed feral cats, prepare income taxes (seasonally), help refugees, am on a club board as treasurer. You can work at your local theatre, a great way to see shows for free, be around people and out in your community. My mum does this, she is a volunteer usher (age 84).

If you live near a college, see if you can take a course or two. Generally if you Audit a class there is no or just a low fee.

I understand that the above is almost insurmountable when one is depressed. Baby steps are a step forward. I did not start doing lots of things at once. I got counseling, I started walking each mooring at the crack of dawn, when there was no one to see me crying. 6 months later I started to feed the feral cats, one year later I went back to university, two years later I joined a club, 6 months after that I volunteered at a tax clinic ( I am the coordinator now), in the last two months I have taken on the treasurer role for another club, and started to volunteer with refugees. Oh I forgot, one week after the traumatic event, I joined a quilting guild in a neighbouring city. I did not make a quilt in the first year I was in the group, but it was a group that new nothing of my history, where I could just be me, not all the roles that had been foisted on me over the years.

Reconnect with your friends, it is hard when care giving to keep up friendships, call the people you have lost touch with. I sent one old friend a text saying I miss you and would love to see you again. We have reconnected.

The things I need for my mental health. Exercise, social contacts, (close and fleeting), good food, mental stimulation, cultural enrichment (in any given day I interact with people from at least 5 different countries). my pets. Self care, is an often over used word but it is important. One thing that is lacking in my life is physical contact with other people. I am not from a touchy feely family. I hug my son every night and I hug one of the refugees I help, but no one else. Having someone to hug, truly hug is important too. I get around that by having a facial every 4 months. It is not the same as family hugs, or intimate hugs, but gives me skin to skin contact and I am always so relaxed afterwards.

DON'T START INGESTING ANY MEDICATION THAT YOU LEAVES YOU WITH A STRONGHOLD, E.G. A CRUTCH. WILL YOU BE ABLE TO STOP IT? IF THE ANSWER IS NO, THEN DON'T START!

Hi Tiger. I there with you. Although my mom still lives in her own home, I'm over there many hours every day, and when I'm not over there, she calls constantly. She is on the verge of having to go into assisted living, and I both dread and rejoice over the day that happens. I know it will be horribly difficult in one way because she doesn't want to go, and relief in others because I'm so tired. I've taken care of her the last eight years with no help other than that of my wonderful husband.

That said: Please consider taking the Lexapro! I was crying, having angry outbursts, binge eating, wanting to crawl in a hole and pull the dirt in, etc. I didn't want to take the medicine either, but I had to do something. It didn't make me feel completely whole, but it did help. Just remember that if it doesn't work, try another antidepressant. It took three for me to find the right one.

As for the part-time job: YES, YES, YES! I had one up until last November, and I truly believe it saved my life. I was so much better off emotionally when I was working! It made a huge difference, I think because it reminded me that I'm actually a real person with something to contribute other than care giving. If I could get a PT job now, I'd absolutely do it. Please do yourself a favor and try it again. Sixty-one is "experienced," not "old." Don't tell potential employers your age or when you graduated. Smile, make good eye contract, and tell them how you can quickly make a contribution to their business. There's a place in the world of work for you. You just have to look for it!

Best of luck, and God bless you!

(((((hugs)))) Tiger. many of us are on or have been on anti-depressants. Care giving is one of the hardest things we are or have been doing. Even when the situation changes for the better e.g. a parent going into a facility, we do not recover quickly. If we have come from a dysfunctional family we carry that burden with us regardless of where our parent is.

My thyroid does not produce enough hormone, so I am dependent on Synthroid, and that's OK. I am glad it is available. When I was on antidepressants it was because my brain chemicals needed help and those meds made a positive difference in my life. The stress has depleted some of your brain chemicals and the antid will act as a supplement in a way,. I felt and functioned much better on the antid's. I too tried several before finding the one that suited me. I am now on a very small dose of that same one for fibromyalgia. And I am so thankful I have it.

If you want to work I am sure there are jobs around. You may need to rest for a while and just look after yourself until you feel better. Take some walks, meet up with friends etc.

Come back and let us know how you are doing

Realistically caring for another person 24/7 takes it toll on any care giver. There is much written about Nurses "burnout" but they have shifts , coworkers and compensation while none of that is there to support family care givers .
Care giving for a spouse or parent commonly involves caring for a person you may no longer even recognize as the person you shared a life with .
Sometimes it feels like you are sacrificing your own life for this person that may or may not have ever dreamed of doing same for you
I hope that we all could come up with some alternative solutions beside drugging ourselves. Do not get me wrong if it works for you and helps you through it more power to it. I am still for new solutions on how to cope myself

Before you go the medication route (and personally, I'd have some concerns about an MD who may lack /comprehend the issues of caregiving and sees that as Option One --i.e maybe you need a new MD)...I would consider working with a psychologist/mental health professional. You're crying. Regulary. What makes you cry? The answer to that leads to knowing you are unhappy with your circumstances or feeling guilt about mom being elsewhere. Maybe you feel angry at yourself for not being able to have done more, kept her with you and the anger is displaced. Even a limited number of visits with someone may help you put things in perspective with a more objective outsider, and give you the support that may be otherwise lacking in your life at this moment.
You have experience! Caregiving, and working in a coffee shop. I hear Starbucks has some really decent wages and benefits and you'll be immersed in a supportive environment wherever you wind up. SIxty-one is NOT too old at all...maturity matters! You will be seen as a godsend compared to some of the young people who are out there today. Play up your assets! Take it one step at a time...it sounds like you might possibly be experiencing some depression, which isn't the best when looking for work...but the work may help you to get out of the depression. I share your concern about the medications...your reaction is understandable. Wishing you all the best...

Hi Tiger,

I absolutely know how you feel, my mom is in advanced Alzheimer's and lives with me. I am on my last legs and I try to find solace and hope but when you can't brush your teeth until 8 pm at night because you are so busy cleaning, (you know what) it is unbelievably frustrating and exhausting. Anytime I have a conversation with an adult, at this point, outside of my mother I always end up crying.

I have said no to antidepressants as a caregiver, and my mom's doctors resemble what I assume a drug dealer looks like because they are all trying to offer me a prescription. However, I had taken them in my 20's, 20 years ago (started with Prozac, then Wellbutrin, then landed on Effexor.) I made the mistake of not weaning off them and it was awful and I swore that I would never take another one ever again. Unfortunately taking care of my mother and unable to work and the walls are closing in on a daily basis I realize there a no absolutes. My mother mimics all of my emotions so I have to remain smiling despite the urge to scream and cry. She has no recollection of our bond or that I am her daughter but she loves and needs me now.

What I am attempting to say very badly is that we are caring for our loved ones and morning them at the same time. We are doing a job that has 3 shifts at a facility or hospital. Thus of course we are exhausted; emotionally, physically and spiritually. So my suggestion would be to try the antidepressants keeping in mind it will take 4-6 weeks for them to kick in then when you are ready, under a doctors care, wean off of them. They will help and I promise it will feel so much better than this hole we are in at the moment. I am going to jump back in ASAP as soon as I find a doctor.

About your job are you able to work a computer? Not coding or anything just familiar. About a year ago after losing my 2nd job out of the home I found Arise which is essentially a broker between (me) agent and client. I worked customer service originally TurboTax, now Home Depot and in 2 weeks I will be training for Carnival Cruise Sales.

I was a Food and Beverage Director in another life and had no problem retiring at 38 in order to help mom if only to alleviate the fear that she was experiencing, but holy moley I had no idea what to expect. Originally, I went back to serving to pay the bills and that worked for about 5 years but then all hell broke loose. Fortunately I found Arise to enable me to work from home You can choose to be your own business owner of you can have a boss like I do ( I did not want 1 more ounce of responsibility) I chose Virtual Employment Solutions and I could not be more grateful, I am hopeful again. The last 6 months have been bad and I have not been able to work but I am working on getting her LTC and into this nice home close by. However Lisa, my IBO who only makes money when I do, stuck with me and advised me all along. She has helped me navigate this daunting virtual world, and held my hand during the hardest time of my life.

I know once the state approves everything and my mother is safe I am going to have a huge transition; broke, sad, angry, and probably very lonely. However, with Lisa on my side I will be very busy and won't have time to focus on the negative and I will be crawling out of this massive debt. This job in customer service has been my lifeline, my goal, and a reminder that I can come back from this pain and have a career and success again.

Tiger I apologize I don't get out much so I may have gone on a little tangent. My opinion is don't be afraid of antidepressants, start with a low dosage and please get counseling as well. In my experience they go hand in hand otherwise the pills are simply a bandaid. Then I wanted to tell you about Arise so that maybe you could find hope like I did. You are not 'too good' for fast food or anything, I just believe learning a skill will be a boost to your self esteem and aid your healing.

There are times when prescribed drugs have helped me through a very difficult time. I am holistic. I meditate. I jog. I generally eat healthy. Done in moderation and awareness, prescribed drugs are another way of taking care of yourself. Or myself. I am grateful to have them when I feel a need. You can try and if they do not help you, you can stop. Do exercise, do meditate, do support your well-being, do ask for support. Do set limits and boundaries. These behaviors, along with a prescribed drug, can be a very holistic way to live. It feels that way to me. I suffered enough.

My doctor had put me on a very low dose of Buspar twice a day. This made all the difference in the World...I felt so much better. Buspar is an old medication mainly for anxiety, but it worked for me. I hit a point where I knew I would be ok without it and the doctor weaned me off of it with no problems. It got me through my difficult times caregiving for my bedridden mom on hospice, and I learned many strategies for coping with sadness etc. which I use today without the drug. I see many people in their 60s and over working in fast food, or retail every day...I am 60 and refuse to see this as old no matter what anyone says. I just see this age as experienced. I wish you all the best!

No not at all, I have been taking care of my mom with medical guardianship for 7 years, I just completed 18 mos of cancer treatment. I understand how stressful and maddening it can be. However there are other options other than Lexapro. I take Xanax when needed for sleep. You don't want to be relying on a drug that has serious side effects, and will be on it forever! Good luck. PS I am also a RN

I simply could not cope with caring for my mom without the Paxil I take for depression and anxiety. There is nothing wrong with drugs if you need them. Try the Lexapro and see if it helps. If not, then try a different one. Just be sure to wean off with the Dr's supervision. Good luck.

Reading the additional responses since I last wrote...I love that one person pointed out you and some of the rest of us are doing a job that involves THREE shifts in a facility. We are on call 24/7.
Although my original response focused on you, let me add something. There are many here advocating medication, some have pointed out the dangers...weeks to work, weeks to wean off. The decision is yours alone to make, but one I would make very cautiously...at best it may help, at worst it will give you additional problems to cope with. It will also not resolve the circumstances that are causing you your depression and problems you perceive.
I can't help but wonder the personalities and philosophies of those who responded positively to taking the medications...I think I saw one of your responses was that you may have started...my personal perspective is that this is a world that constantly goes the easy path, the quick fix, the quick Rx without consideration of the circumstances; the MD's who don't know what to do for someone, don't want to deal with the problems and can get rid of someone with an Rx.
If you opt to take one, I would proceed with caution and consider consulting with a psychiatrist who is well regarded that you can relate to. They are the MD's most familiar with the psych meds and side effects and there may be one drug that might suit you better/have less side effects than another.
Otherwise I stand by my original post, to consider visiting a psychologist to help you sort things out and feel more supported. You are not alone.

Lexapro is The mildest of drugs you could take. It just takes the edge off . I have been on it for at least 5 yrs. This is one of the toughest jobs around allow yourself to take the edge off.

Your resilience will continue to weaken unless you can find a way to turn care over to someone else such as a dementia care center. After many years looking after my husband Heart and lung disease worsened because of stress and anxiety living with someone who had to be watched 24/7, had psychosis and several forms of dementia. Believe me, anti-depressants won't work. You have to detach and find another solution. However, I now have to pay over $8000 each month for a dementia care facility that requires 18 months cash before I can apply for state aid Medicaid program. I placed him a year ago. I will be broke in June and

I'm very sad that those who are so opposed to anti-depressants think a person can just get up and go.
When you are in this state, it is not that easy. If herbs, friends, and other holistic helps work that is great but sometimes the anti-depressant will help get you balanced so you can do all the healthy route.
Yes, there can be serious side affects but so can there be if she does nothing. Been there.
It is easy to say, get out and set boundaries, but she's past that.
She shows definate signs of depression. Where is our compassion?

No.... My Doctor put me on Wellbutron 150mg daily and it has really helped me. My Mom, who I care for has seen a difference in me.

First - you are not too old.  I am 63 and still learning new things at my job.  Not sure that I could have a job where I stood all day long, but my great aunt worked in a diner until age 85.  That impressed me to no end.

Second - Antidepressants can help for periods of time in our lives when our bodies aren't producing something we need in order to function well.  They are not necessarily for the long term and are not an indication of weakness.  It is important to go off of them slowly when and if the time comes, however; and your doctor can advise you.

Third - You also need time to grieve and adjust to this period of loss. Letting go of responsibility and facing the fact that not only are our parents going to die at some point, but so are we, is not for the faint of heart.  Your head tells you to seize the day and to embrace life while your heart is aching.  Both states can coexist almost peacefully over time if you take care of your own needs as well as those of your mom.

Peace be with you.  We understand.

Tiger, antidepressants saved my life. I'm not on them anymore. But I'd go back on them in a hot minute if my depression returned.

Dear Tiger 55, It sounds to me like you are or have already slipped into depression. Which is exactly what happened to me, when I started taking care of my Mom. She has alzheimer's and has been living with me for years now. It has been trying, difficult but also very rewarding. I love my Mom. In the beginning it was so difficult for me, not to react to her outbursts of hate, anger. I spoke with my doctor about medicine to help me get in a better place with Mom. I started taking Lexapro (5 mg) a year ago and it was the best decision I made. I did not realize how sad and depressed I was. I am the type of person who would hide my sadness with jokes. I would fight back with Mama when she would lash out at me. (not physically) It was reaction. I did not like it. Now that I am medicated, I am happier, I think more clearly. I can take whatever Mama yells at me or throws at me with ease. My brain is not foggy, nor altered. Lexapro has allowed me to look after my Mama with a clear head and an open heart.

Tiger--

W/O my Zoloft, I would have killed myself 20 years ago, Seriously. Both anxiety and depression from 40 years of quashing the memories of severe childhood abuse finally caught up with me.

I have been on Zoloft off and on for 2 years. Saved my life, literally. I also take bezos, but my psych doc is tapering me off of them, with the hope that in 5+ years I will be stable enough to not need them daily.

My hubby fought me on AD's after his liver transplant. They put him on Cymbalta and it never worked. On it for 12 years. I finally talked him into seeing a psych doc. She got him off the CYmbalta--he had 2 heart attacks (not related to the AD) and then started good old ZOLOFT after the H/A's. Within 3 weeks, I had my hubby back. His anger, depression and ennui is really mostly gone.

Better living through the judicious use of pharmaceuticals. Hes on a bunch of meds b/c of the heart attacks, but he is doing better simply because he FEELS BETTER. There is no shame in "chemicals" to help ease the path in life.

The anti-depressant is just replacing what your brain isn't making enough of or preventing the brain from reabsorbing too much of your "happy" chemical which is produced by your brain. I would say try it. If it doesn't help you feel better, it may not be the right drug, so try another one. If you were sick, you wouldn't hesitate to take an antibiotic, right? You are depressed and need to feel better. AND 61 is ABSOLUTELY not too old to work in fast food or anyplace else. You have so much experience to offer and bet your customer service would be loads better than some of the young kids working there. Please let us know  how you are doing!!

I would maybe go back to school part time to learn a new trade. I am 59 and did that for 7 years and graduated with a AA degree as well as caregive my Dad who is 93.