Wondering if I should start a local group or whether this forum, which I just discovered will give me the support I need. Having read a few interactions here, I already feel pretty good about it.
My mother has narcissism and paranoia. She has locked me out of her life after more than 40 years of my caring for her delicate ego, now that she is having to face aging. I am relieved, guiltily, not to have to interact with her anymore, and I am traumatized and deeply hurt.
Trying to let go.
Take care of yourself. Time to enjoy life, have a nice meal somewhere, and if possible a trip.
Your mother is an adult. Her decision. Her problem. Not yours. I have several narcissists in my family-including a mother (deceased) and stepping back from them will be difficult, but....after awhile, I felt great not dealing with them anymore. I hope you will too.
My web search yields tons about abused elders and almost nothing (2 articles out of thousands) about caregivers abused by elders. And I know we're out there! I must be using the wrong search words, so far.
https://www.healthguideinfo.com/personality-disorders/p91086/
Nice article to get you started. When doing web searches, take your time, bookmark what you find for later use and keep playing with the seach words-instead of caregiver I spaced the word in to two or try caring narcissists. Be careful of using sites that seem less than reputable-too many ads or offer a quick fix. The better ones should have their sources listed at one point in their article.
One thing I've learned (lots 'n lots of therapy) is when I have a particuarily negative thought, or perception in my head, if I then add my mother's voice to it-Voila, just the way she would have complained or berated me! One more way to conterbalance their negativity, know that it's not worth fretting about, and move on.
Instead of thinking of what you've lost (and it is a lot-sorry) try to think about all the gains, no more dealing with your mother, getting better, enjoying your life and double it to make up for the losses. When I've had a really good day, I also think about how much better it is now, not being around narcissists and smile-is how I "double" my gains : )
There is so much to be grateful for. Thank you for reminding me!
Yeah...when I started to listen to the negativity in my mother's voice (thanks Marlene a great therapist) during a therapy session-boy was that an eye opener, made a huge difference for me.
The past few years have certainly put a well deserved spot light on narcissism. There's so much damage they've inflicted on so many people, that that is not going away any time soon and I am glad that this is being examined under the electron microscope of psychoanalytics and so many of us have the ability to share, compare our collective experiences with narcissists. That alone makes me really grateful to know narcissists behavior is being challenged all day, every day!
CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) has been a lifesaver for me.
www.coda.org is a good place to start. The only requirement is to want to have healthy relationships. It's the first place that I haven't had to explain narcissism.
There are online, in-person and phone meetings available. My in-person group shifted to online during the pandemic and we will probably keep it that way because we added a couple of out-of-state members. Some members also attend in-person groups.
Our particular group happens to have a lot of caregivers for toxic family members. You can try more than one group until you find one that works for you.
If you can, stay late or go out with the group after the meeting. I get so much out of the after-meeting chats. We still do it after our online meetings and sometimes they last longer than the official meeting.
*** If you are concerned about the Higher Power aspect, HP doesn't have to mean God. It can be your own conscience, the group, the Universe, an admired person, hypothetical person with healthy boundaries, etc. Whatever has meaning to You.
I find that those on this firum who have been raised with a Narcissist or abused in some way, are constantly trying to find a way to get approval and love from the parent. You can't get either from someone who has no idea how to love. Are they born this way, I think so. Something is missing. They thing only of themselves. Guilt is self-imposed. You have no reason to feel guilty. Its not your fault Mom is the way she is and she cannot see how the way she is effects others. You need to except you can't fix her. You need to except that she can't show love. So now you protect yourself, back away. If you do interact with her, set boundries for yourself. Walk away when she gets going. Hang up the phone. Make a life for yourself. Find good friends.
AgingCare has no "special subgroups" but feel free to come to the Forum any time. We do often hear of abusive situations, and it is one reason I always caution people not to take people into their own home. Once that happens it is almost impossible to pry them out.
Glad you are here. You will be able to help others on their journey.
Posting this thread so you can become familiar with another new poster here, Tweety, as it sounds like you may share situations in common or similar.