My 83 yo mom with some memory issues had asked my husband and I to live with her and take care of her finances. The lawyer and mom signed POAs for us to do this. It includes finances health care etc. She recently spent time with my brother (more trouble asking for respite from my sister & brother than its worth) and when we came home we were told that mom is uncomfortable using the master bathroom walk in shower and wants to use the bathtub shower which would require her to maneuver across a bath seat to get in. She already has trouble simply entering the walkin shower which has about a six inch lip on it. We found a shower that we could put in that has about a two in lip and want to install it but after a second "visit" with my brother and sister she has suddenly decided she doesn't want to do it. Trouble is my siblings seem more concerned about her spending the money than what is safe for her. Here is my dilemma, her ability to use the bathtub shower has been raised by my brother and if she were to get hurt my siblings would probably accuse us of neglect etc. She runs around telling anyone who will listen how horrible her life is and complains about the shower. We feel like we are caught between a rock and a hard place because if we do nothing it leaves us open for trouble from my siblings and if we insist on doing renovation she has said in front of contractor she doesn't want it done. I feel stuck because I feel the best thing to do is renovate but don't want her running around telling everyone she didn't want it. My siblings cause so much grief for us.
And let me share another thing. I noticed as my mom got older, she really didn't want to shower at all. It had nothing to do with where she showered. She didn't do anything, so she didn't need to shower.....I tried telling her about all the dead skin cells. My bathroom was too cold.....I got a little electric space heater and warmed up the room beforehand......I covered the AC vent in the summer. All that bathing was drying out her skin......I put baby oil on everything after her shower. After doing that for 5 years, I was able to bathe her in less than 5 minutes.....and while I thought I set the water temp at a nice level, I found out it was too warm for her. I never would have guessed that as much as she complained about being cold all the time. So, it may be that you don't need to renovate anything, just reinvent the experience.
Stay calm and friendly. Take a quaalude, if you can get one. Tell them it seems no one is satisfied with the arrangements, and so they should work out what they want without considering you, because you will only be a visitor. If they want you to stay and take care of her, they will have to tell you what they want, and put it in writing.
If you aren't ready to leave, or at least to threaten to leave, you will find that they will jerk you around day after day, year after year.
Start as you mean to go on. It almost sounds like they DON'T want you to live with Mom. If that's true, shout hallelujah, kiss them all goodby, announce your schedule for visiting, and leave.
You have done your best. You can walk away, or stay, but on your own terms.