Elder care-Demands by elderly can be selfish and unrealistic!

Good for you Frogs2.
I have adult friends who cannot pay for their own night out because of dog care, dog food expenses and so on. They complain they are bored and out of cash to go out.
It is their dog, their responsibility. Preparing homemade dog food for your mother's dog is too much. When do you get to stuff for your husband and yourself?
The dog has got to go. If she cannot take care of it herself - it must go. She must take care of her own personal health
My mom has many pursuits that she loves but can no longer do or afford to do. She likes treating her grand kids and traveling.
Unfortunately it is no longer a physical and economic reality for her.
As I said, I would like an all expense paid trip around the world. I can't really afford that, so I enjoy myself within my means.
Some elders expect things to be their way in perpetuity. It is unrealistic. Their every wish can not be granted.
Good luck Frogs2!

Thanks. I would say that her dog is definitely a problem. She had been making her dog food by hand, and wants me to do it as well. I love dogs but this dog is just the worst. I love the advise, and agree that the dog needs to find a new home. Thanks for all the good info for resources, and Jay for understanding.

By the way, my own mother eventually moved into a señor residence. She has lots of company there, great on site services, support from social workers and so on. If your mother is unable to keep up her home, a senior residence is an excellent alternative. Many services and companions of a similar age there for her comfort and needs. Social activities and helpful seniors in similar circumstances. It will lift a load off your mind and she might actually like it there!

Yes Frogs 2
Mincemeat is correct. The rehab stay after surgery is covered by Medicare and some aftercare at home is as well. If she has no resources, Medicaid will pick up for many on home services. I also mentioned Meals on Wheels. At the very least you do not have to shop and cook for her. Mincemeat gave you great advice. The social worker at the hospital should be knowledgeable about all the Healthcare and home care benefits your mother is entitled to.. There is no reason on Earth you should leave your husband to care for your mother. You are already caring for her by investigating the professional resources available to her via the healthcare system. If she doesn't like it, too bad. DO NOT do it yourself. There are many qualified capable professionals who get paid to do this. You can visit and offer moral support.
And as far as the dog goes, adoption may be the best choice. It is HER dog, not yours. Perhaps there is a willing neighbor who is an animal lover who would help. If not, don't turn YOURSELF into her personal dog servant. Don't let her guilt trip you into that. Talk it over with the social worker and perhaps they can assist you with a solution. Do not turn your life upside down over a dog. There are plenty of animal lovers that would love to "rescue" an animal.
Good luck Frogs2.
I hope your mother gets better and I hope you and your husband have a long, peaceful and happy marriage.

Frog2 - Please talk to the social worker at the hospital where they will do surgery and ask which rehab centers will take medicaid. Also call medicaid and find out what options there are for her to go from rehab to senior living of some sort. You have also recieved very good advice above. Those resources may help you sort out everything except the dog....which may have to be adopted by another friend or a dog rescue that focuses on "re-homeing" dogs.

Thank you guys for the comments and support. She is going to the rehab place for 20 days, and is applying for madicaid today. She was very surprised that i told her to go their after surgery and has been putting off calling because she thinks I'll change my mind. A lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth on her part, but worth it to me if i can be with my husband. Thanks again!

Cognitive AND psychiatric assessments.

She has no one else because she has driven them away.

Think about it - What made hubby insist she move out? Was he being unreasonable or unkind?

Your marriage will not survive if you do what she is expecting you to do, which includes deserting your husband, which is wrong to ask of you but she feels free to ask it anyways...or not even ask, but expect.

You contact your area agency on aging, and she either has resources to pay for some help or she doesn't; if she doesn't she applies for Medicaid. She will need it because post op from her back surgery she will either get rehab, or she will expect to go home and lay around and have you take care of everything again, and that would virtually guarantee she will not even begin to recover. Medicare only pays for about 20 days of rehab now.

I would bet dollars to donuts that when you are not there, she manages to do some things for herself. Ask them to do a cognitive assessment at some point; there may be some surprises there as well.

Hi Frogs2
Do not sacrifice your marriage to be a personal servant to your mother and her dog.
I suggest you speak to the social worker at the hospital. There are many services available to those on Medicare including bathing, housekeeping, laundry, help dressing and so on. Also, there is an organization called Meals on Wheels which will prepare and deliver a hot nutritious meal with milk, fruit, entree, coffee or tea. This service is low coat or free to people who are unable to do this for themselves because of poor health or temporary or permanent disability.
Like I said, speak to the social worker at the hospital about this. DO NOT sacrifice your own marriage to walk your mother's dog. Maybe there is a chapter of the ASPCA that would offer a volunteer to walk and feed your mother's dog or provide foster care for the animal. DO NOT forgo your own personal happiness for a dog.
Create some boundaries for yourself. It is nice to
Be concerned about your mother's welfare. It is not right for you to sacrifice your own marriage to keep
het company and be her constant companion.
My mother is divorced twice and disabled. It is not my job to be her "husband" just because she is my mother.
Any if this make sense?
Talk to the social worker at the hospital or to the department for the aging in your community.
It is natural to feel like helping your mother. The lengths you are going to are not necessary.
If she refuses the help that is offered, DON'T DO IT YOURSELF!!'
Often the older people are averse to change or feel it is their right to ask their child to wait on hand and foot just because because they brought them into the world.
Please reach out to these recourses. Your mother will destroy your marriage if you let her.
Just because she got divorced doesn't mean you should.
I have dealt with guilt trips and selfish elders. My own mother refused help for the longest time. After many injuries and accidents, she finally accepted reality and accepted help from Medicare, Meals on Wheels and so on.
Good Luck

Frog2, easy as - refuse to give up your life for your selfish mother now before you ruin your own health. I learned this lesson the hard way and as a result of neglecting my life and health for my mother, I am now permanently on a walking frame and I am only fifty. The worst part is - mum had her life and did everything she wanted and had her mother put in a nursing home, but she deliberately denied me those same rights.

So, the big question to me, is what are you supposed to do in the situations on this board? My mom is only 60, I'm 37, but she is having constant surgery after surgery for about 5 years. Between surgeries, she barely does anything on her own. She's divorced, and my siblings ran away to different states to avoid the situation. She lived with us for a year before my husband couldn't handle her and her dog any more and kicked them out. She has no retirement, no job, no money, and is on medicare so options are limited. I don't have kids, but my marriage is struggling because of her, and she just assumes its my job to do everything for her. She never asks any more. So, now we're 3 weeks away from back fusion surgery. She says she's in too much pain to do anything for herself. So, it's doing laundry, giving her showers, caring for her dog, meals, house cleaning, dr visits, grocery shopping, etc... 24/7 until she has her surgery and then who knows how long after. I don't know how long i can do this and whether my marriage will survive or not. The thought of her living another 30 years requiring this of me kills me. But, she has no one else. What do i do?

Hi Mincemeat -
In addition to my elderly mother, I have an elderly father. His sister took care of his elderly parents. I took care of his elderly sister. He showed up at the funeral, settled the estate (he got about 85%), thanked me for my hard work and told me to expect nothing more.
I did pay it forward - to the ones who cared. I already have a pretty good idea of what to expect from him. Hard work and no appreciation. This is the lightbulb that has gone off in my head.
As long as you are at the service of someone who treats you as if it is your duty and their birthright to have their bidding done always, a person will always come out short. There is no real understanding or empathy. I do my best but I am not a doormat. I am sorry to hear that your father treats you in this manner. Just do what you feel is right for those you care for and who care for you. They brought us into this world. We are free individuals, not servants. It is an unfortunate characteristic that some have, which is a total blind spot to "their end if the bargain".
Go in peace and do not let this person terrorize you any longer. Take care of yourself, and let your kids grow up in peace as well. It is surprising that sometimes the most generous person can emerge from such selfish parents. I am guessing the other family members had more charitable characteristics.

My elder is the one who directed his wife and my uncles wife to do all the cleaning, cooking, etc for his own 100+ father, doing NONE of the dirty work himself. He also expected us kids to to the nursing home/hospital visits to his father, mother, brother. In my memory, HE visited his brother 3 times for 5 minutes each over the course of 5 years. He visited his own parents only sporadically. Fast forward 35 years....much is expected and demanded. Pay it forward? Pay it backward? Much time and effort that should have been spent on my marriage and my children was spent on him. I feel like the lost generation.

I have to say, how soon they forget. I am single, not well off, had a long and serious illness for 10 years (age 40-50) and basically took care of myself.

I had a loving Aunt who has since passed away. If it were not for her moral support and economic assistance I would be destitute.

Thankfully I recovered, but left with a big economic hole to fill. I have no partner or children. I always helped my late Aunt and the other elders in the family very much when I was physically able. They were kind to me and I returned the favor. They also had economic resources and hired help. That took some from my inheritance but it did not matter to me in the least as they assisted me when I was in greatest need, and I them. I was very glad they had money to pay for help and that they were not demanding. I loved them and visited them frequently. They lived long lives (into their 90's) in general good health. I am so grateful that they did not move far away as I never would have been able to visit them due to poor health and lack of finds. The were wise. I read many of the comments about baby boomer generation never having the security of their parents. This is quite true. My parents (who are divorced) have little comprehension of this fact. They lived in an era of a prosperous middle class, long term steady employment and reliable pensions. This is not the current state of affairs for many middle aged people. Hopefully the economic and political tide will turn. But for now, it is virtually impossible for children to take care of aging parents in the same manner as the previous generation. Add to the mix that they are divorced and have moved far away. I would go positively broke if I were to try to meet their demands. They do not see the current economic picture. Additionally they both had intact families and elders that stayed put in their late years so no one had to travel to give them care and to visit.
I do not have children, but if I were lucky enough to have them I would never expect them to relocate to take care of me. How can a parent expect such a thing? It is impossible. My mother, who is very disabled, left her very nice and comfortable home which was nearby so she could be in Florida. She is uncomfortable in the cold climate. While that is understandable, it is unreasonable for her to expect that the whole tribe should accommodate her desires to come and go. She requires a high level of care and having her as a houseguest is a full time job. I can hardly take care of myself and do not have a place to accommodate a handicapped woman. I asked her not to leave her home here, but she left anyway. Two years later she is reaching the point where she feels abandoned, unloved and forgotten. But she is the one who moved away. I can only say that while I love my mother very much, I do not have the resources to up and care for her. Neither do my siblings who have all been very generous with their vacation time and whatever cost is incurred to travel and accommodate her. As I wrote in another post, it is best if the aging parent stays nearby if they expect the company of their adult children. But this is old news. My parents divorced when we we young and sold our childhood home. Now they would like everyone to make them cozy in their old age. Interesting contrast. I do my best and leave the guilt behind. i cannot fulfill their every desire. They left, not me. Their concern for their own personal comfort is most important to them. That's great. But I do not have to jeopardize my own personal welfare to accommodate their unrealistic ideas about how things aught to be. Things are simply not that way.
I have always done my best and that is all anyone can do.

I know what you mean. My mother gives me plenty opportunity to say something that is my best "weapon" against her criticism of me. She tells me when I was your age, I was still working and going on trips and doing all the others things. And I tell her, yeah, but at my age you weren't taking care of your parents. That hushes her right up.

Foremost in everyone's mind here should be, 'They have lived a good life and if they don't understand that we need to live our lives too, then it's just too bad.'

Example, my mother (99) is 'punishing' me right now because I'm about to take a 2.5 week vacation and then another 2.5 week vacation about 3 weeks later. My mother and dad went to Europe for 5 weeks when we were kids. Now it's my turn and if my mother thinks it's better for me to stay home and help her when she has plenty of paid help and help from my brother and sister, all I can say is 'tough luck'. For anyone saying that I have no empathy or sympathy for her, just know that I've been to her house 8x times a week for about 10 years since my dad died. That's over 4000 times to help her with meals and assorted other functions. It's idiotic to ruin your own life and marriage 'caring' for someone who has little appreciation for what she is asking.

Today 4th April 2015
My mother tried and very nearly succeeded in committing suicide.

All my worst fears manifested themselves in a living nightmare. Thank goodness I had installed cameras in her home or I could have been facing a manslaughter charge.

How sad the mental health services would not listen to me. How sad they put so much pressure on a lady with schizophrenia.

They deemed her able to make her own decisions regarding her care. They filled her head full of false hope. I knew my mother was not capable of making decisions, but the mental health told me I had no legal rights as a carer over my mother's decisions.

The frustrations and anguish this caused in our relationship was unreal. Coupled with outside influences from so called do-gooders offering my mother advice about subjects they knew nothing about caused so much frustration and confusion.

The memories that live in my head now will haunt me forever. The look in her eyes when we found her covered in lacerations and bruises, the hopelessness in her eyes ...... An empty vacuum now replaces the desperation I once felt. The many letters I wrote to the mental health doctor, the many meetings with the mental health social worker flagging up my concerns regarding my mothers inability to make her own decisions. Light bulb decisions made by an anxious lady striving for normality (in her own words 'I acted out of a fit of nerves').

Why oh why would no one listen to me. I was screaming in the wind.......

Thank goodness my mother lived. I would have become a victim of phantom living in my mind, caught up with internal torture. Now I have to learn to live with a memory I would have never invited inside my head. An unwelcome friend I have no hope of evicting. I will just have to learn how to live with it.

First things first I will have to ensure my mother is cared for in a safe place. Then I will talk to her and hope we can find away to live with an unsavoury memory. Then I will have to leave this place and find a future brighter and happier. I hope we can both survive this and move on.

The mental health team have allot to answer for. I hope there will be an internal enquiry and the doctor and social worker will be held accountable. No doubt they will close ranks and play cover up, pass the buck then nothing will be learned from this dreadful situation we find ourselves in.

The past cannot be changed but a proper investigation and a willingness to make change based on recognised failures or inadequacies can bring a legacy of hope to situations and families in the future. The carer needs a voice and a clear set of professional contacts who are not only in a position to listen but are able to assist with the necessary problems. Past the buck might cost the health service less only because accountability in management has gone on vacation.

Help the carer to hold the health service responsible for its actions and failures. Reinstate human rights.

Politicians listen up and do something to help the elderly and their carer's in the community. HELP !!!!!

I have also found myself in a living hell for 27 years I have been involved with my elderly parents. My mother has suffered from schizophernia all of my life. My father spent his life at work (as he could not cope with my mother's mental illness). As children my brother and I just got by. Life was hard and we knew not why.

When I got married 33 years ago I moved a hundred miles away and my father managed to engulf my newly married only brother and his family in his buisness. This was short lived and my brother and his family moved to England.

Some 5 years later my father rang and told me he could not cope with my mother on his own. He asked if he could move to live beside me and my family. After speaking to my husband the move was agreed.

How stupid I had been to sanction his request. The next 27 years was on a sliding scale 'all about them'. My children and my husband grew to despise them and eventually so did I. When they asked to move they forgot to tell us that they would monopolise our entire lives. Making every day all about them. I can't believe the tricks they played to ensure we would become their slaves. It's like the song by Meatloaf ' we are now praying for the end of time'.

The last 4 years have been the worst years of my life. A serious of dying runs, planning their funerals, dealing with their care plans, wills, hospital visits, shopping for their specialist health foods, clothes, doctors appointments, outings, their birthdays, Christmas shopping and cards for them etc. etc.

My father's health declining health added so much presure to the load. He was incontinent (but refused to acknowledge this), unsteady on his feet (but refused to accept this), going blind, needed help to cut his food, and suffered from vascular dementia ( which took some time to diagnose due to his bad temper, verbal abuse and mood swings. He finally was admitted to hospital in September 2014 with heart failure, (owing to a shortage of beds in acute cardiac presure was put on me to take him home after 3 weeks of bedside vigils. He was shouting and keeping other patients awake). I refused so he got sent to respite in a geriatric wing of a hospital. After 6 weeks they to wanted ride of him and pressured me to take him home. Again I refused. They tried to place him in a care home. Eventually he was diagnosed as needing EMI care and sent to an specialist unit of a care home. The authorities then pressured me into completing a lengthy financial assessment regarding his savings etc.. This took weeks of my time and much research. Finally I thought it would end .....

Not so I have since been forced to care for my schizophernic mother. A women with no capability for empathy and even more selfish than my narcistic father. The mental health authorities don't want to know. My brother and his new religious mistress ( who live in Australia ) send my mother religious pamphlets and post cards of wonderful outings they have been on. My brother phones and tells them how much he loves them. I have not heard from him in 4 years (when he and his last girlfriend stayed with me in Ireland). I am now so angry with my situation that I could explode inside. The outer family don't want to know.

I realise now what a fool I have been.
A schizophernic mother and a narcistic father are such a toxic mix and to heavy to carry through life. My children hate old people and will have nothing to do with them. This is the only relationship that sticks like a deadly virus to anyone with empathy.

You can walk away from your marriage, your children can walk away from you but toxic parents will stick like glue. Warning warning - lose your empathy or pay the absolute price !

Reading all the stories has been truly enlightening. Here I was thinking that my brother and I were experiencing something uncommon. My father is extremely frail, has kyphosis and the beginnings of dementia. My mother is selfish in the extreme and largely well. Currently they are in respite care for 2 weeks. We have jumped through hoops to organize it. The entire family is run ragged. Cooking, cleaning, running them to the doctors, hospital, etc all while they refuse help from organisations that provide it for free. They are in a state of the art new aged care facility, which quite frankly, I could move into quite easily when I retire with staff who are wonderful and caring. But according to them the food is mass produced, they can't self medicate and stupify themselves with tramadol. I just don't get it. I am going to read them the riot act I think. They have a small window of opportunity to stay here permanently or move back home again where we Have to not live our lives in order to support them while they live in their own mess. I am so over this. Sorry to rant just well and truly fed up, exhausted and astonished at their level of selfishness.

I agree and don't agree with jeannegibbs' remarks about sibling responsibility. Yes, we each decide our own role, but I don't think any of us decide this in a vacuum. Ellencantor's brother can turn his back and refuse to help only because she is doing it all. Likewise, she is forced to carry the whole burden by his unwillingness to get involved. I think in most cases the "uninvolved" siblings would not advocate, or even tolerate, the withdrawal of all siblings' help for the parent. Generally, I think they want the parent to be helped just as much as the involved siblings do, and believe just as strongly that the adult children have the duty to help their parents. However, as long another sibling is discharging that duty, they can go on being uninvolved. As Ellencantor's brother if it would be okay for her to move away, if it would be okay for nobody to help the father. He'd probably be appalled, and be the first person to pressure her to keep fulfilling the role. JMHO.

Many thanks freqflyer, looloo and PatriciaMt! Best of luck to you on your respective journeys as caregivers.

Ellen, you asked how often do we visit our parent(s).... I live literally around the corner in the same subdivision as my parents, and I would say I stop by once a week to get Mom's grocery list. I am there maybe a total of 15 minutes, and I have to get back home to place the grocery order on-line before the dead-line. My sig other picks up the grocery order early the following morning and delivers the order to them. And I will see my parents maybe another time frame during the week if my parents have an appointment or errand they need. If I don't see them, I will call them in the evening.

We do get together on birthday's and holidays... but not on the exact day of the celebration because of my sig other's work schedule. He has Sundays off so the birthday/holiday will be on that Sunday closest to the date.

Hi Ellen, to answer your question about visiting -- I live about 3 hours drive away from my mother, who has dementia. She and my father (who died in Dec. 2009) moved away in 2001. I'm married/no kids, but do work, have pets, and so on. At that time for several years, I would visit every month, driving down Saturday, and back on Sunday afternoon. It was difficult for me to lose that time, since I use it to catch up on all the household stuff and errand running, but felt obligated. It was also stressful, because my parents had a tense relationship with each other, and my mother and I were never close.
Since my dad died, I would still visit, but maybe every 6 weeks (again, staying overnight). It wasn't until last year that I stopped staying overnight, and would only come by for lunch, doctor's appointments, etc. I'd use my vacation time to do this, if I couldn't do it on a weekend.
My mother's dementia continued to get worse (still is, obviously), and our relationship continued to deteriorate, which I didn't expect, but should have.
Now, she has home care for a few hours a day, about 4 days a week. I haven't seen her since late July, when I had to take her car away without her consent. She doesn't call me except once in a blue moon, and that is only when she thinks she has to speak to me in order to get something she wants (I handle all her affairs). I know this is the only workable solution for a person like her, who is her own worst enemy. I still second guess myself regularly though, especially this time of year.

Ellen, I also wanted to say that my husband is like you. He's always played the "good son" role in his family, making up for his sibling's detachment. His sister did very little the first couple of years my in-laws decline, and he completely enabled that so that pattern got set. She would actually send us links to research about how it is better for elders to stay in their homes. That was hilarious. Finally there was a medical crisis, and my husband flew down but told her he was leaving 48 hours later. She could either fly down or arrange care for her father who would be left alone with his dementia in an an unsafe situation. Suprisingly, she found that to be very disruptive to her life, and after that, she got a little better. They made an agreement that she would visit every other month. She still tries to wiggle out of that, but my husband has been good about not filling in when she does. None of this was easy for him, and it won't be for you. But maybe you can try picking a few pieces and giving them to your brother with the clear message that if he doesn't do these things, they won't get done.

It struck me reading these last set of posts that probably the reason we are here is because, like Ellen, we want to do the right thing. And if you have a demanding elder in your life, that it is an impossible goal to meet without killing ourselves. So we feel guilty and reach out to others to check that we are not being selfish. I liked what Jeanne Gibbs had to say that we have to take responsibility for making our spouse and our children and ourselves (which includes two parts: our personal lives and our jobs) equal in importance to the demanding elder in our lives.

Can I just ask you all something? For those of you living within 30-60 minutes of your needy elder, how often do you visit in order to assist them or keep them company? Is there a difference between how often they ask for you to visit and how often you actually do? What do you tell them about why you can't be there daily?

Thank you for your kind words, jeannegibbs. I guess that, at this moment, I'm too tired to take pride in the sacrifice. It is not lost on me that neither of my parents ever cared for their own parents in this manner, nor would they have been willing to do so. My brother, also, chooses to care only for himself. I do think the compassionate, caring people end up being somewhat enslaved and impoverished by the takers of the world. Is it really a "choice" to be compassionate or to sacrifice for those you love? If you're a good person, I think it's more of a necessity. It feels as though the choice has been taken out of the equation altogether.

No, EllenCanter, no. I don't buy that your brother consigned you to slavery. Your own decisions do that. You have just as much power to decide your role as he does to decide his. If you are making your decisions on based on your moral compass and conscience, good for you! At least give yourself credit for acting on your convictions. At least acknowledge that you could make other choices, but make the decisions you do consciously. Your brother is no more responsible for your morals or conscience than he is for your father's dementia.

Your life would be happier or your tasks more manageable if your brother would help. It would be even better if you had three siblings who all helped. It would be wonderful if you had unlimited resources and could afford to pay for amazing help. It is what it is. You make the best decisions you can to cope with it.

But at least give yourself credit for the sacrifices you a willingly making. You deserve a few gold stars, not to feel this was "foisted" on you by anyone or anything other than the awful, terrible, very bad, and devastating disease your father has. Your are doing good things. Take pride in that!

We do have to take responsibility for our own decisions, it's true. But there is much, much more pressure when all the elder care is foisted on a single family member. My brother tells himself it is my "choice" to care for my father, while it is his choice to remain focused on his own life and render no care whatsoever. But in so doing, he consigns me to a kind of unremitting slavery, day-in, day-out, and I can't see any end to it. If there were three or four family members contributing, this would be much more do-able. As it is, I'm constantly overwhelmed and exhausted. For a person with any sort of conscience or moral compass, it's not possible to feel good about not fulfilling your parent's demands, even when they're unremitting and all-consuming. My father wants me with him all the time, and it's just not possible. Yes, it's my choice not to accede to all his demands. Yes, he has dementia and the demands will only become more extreme. I just don't see an answer that allows me to be anything other than an indentured servant for the time being. I'm struggling with this situation, and I truly feel awful about my private, but profound conviction that advanced dementia is worse than death and I wish the good Lord would take my father swiftly.

love it jeanne .
the whole elder care issue aside for a moment , " owning " our own faults in any situation very much appeals to me . i momentarily lost a gate key this week partly because of a cheap chinese wire tie that failed , but MOSTLY because i was ignorant enough to trust the wire tie that i knew was unreliable .
pretty silly example but one still fresh on my mind .