In the past few months, I have done the following for my parents:
- diagnosed them both with COVID (they kept saying they had a light flu - whatever that means)
- gotten them medicine that allegedly helps alleviate the symptomns
- bought them a new tv because they are constantly unplugging them (my dad complained it was too small)
- paid for water and food to be delivered because my mom's credit card was past due and wasn't working
- secured them a nighttime caregiver (they wanted to "try it alone" for 30 days)
- fixed their bathroom faucet which had been broken for 6 weeks
- visited them regularly
Two nights ago, my aunts called me freaking out because my parents weren't answering their phone (a long time problem). My aunt ended up driving over to check on them. Last night, on the phone, I told my mom that the next time they don't answer their phone (or cell), I'm calling the police and won't let my aunt come. Her response was, "Jesus! Why are you doing this to your parents?" And I responded, "Why are you doing to me?" Then I hung up.
They simply don't see the stress they cause, nor the help they're given. I was sad but today woke up feeling better. Why keep trying to save/love someone who doesn't see it? I hope this story helps someone. It is helping me remember that there's no reason for me to spend all day obsessing about them. They don't notice or care or...who knows....
As for not answering the telephone, remember they can't jump out of their chairs to catch the last ring on the phone. I know I can't, or I am in the middle of using the bathroom, in the basement with laundry, or out in the yard. Whomever calls needs to leave a voice mail. If it is urgent, I will call back.
It feels like both your and your Aunt are making it stressful. There will be a time that your parents will need either at-home caregivers or to move to a senior facility. Right now, let them be the adults in their own home. Older folks are very resourceful :)
AND y'all should take a giant step back and stop "doing" for them.
She can't hear her phone or doorbell. Her TV (when on) is turned up so loud she cannot hear anything. DH has said that multiple times he's gone to check on her and he has to use his house key to 'break in' and finds her sound asleep in the kitchen in her recliner, TV blaring and about 10 messages on the answering machine.
He and SIL insist she wear her fall pendant if she refuses to wear her hearing aids and at least check the phone a couple times a day to see if someone has called.
We all live far enough away that when she falls, the FD always gets there before one of the kids do. She's embarrassed, but not badly enough to remember to wear the pendant, answer the phone or door....or wear her hearing aids. (DH has the same deficit in his hearing and he also refuses to wear HA's. I dread how he is getting worse without those!)
She's had quite a few falls, but only one has landed her in the hospital. She NEEDS to be in an AL, but since she is very anti-social and stubborn, she will never willingly move to one. She recently told DH that she wants 'grab bars' installed all around her house. He said "I'll happily find you an assisted living place, mom, but I WILL NOT put grab bars all over the house so you can stay living alone." Right now she will not use a walker for stability, she shoves a kitchen chair in front of her.
DH told her that made her look completely demented, since there sits a perfectly nice rollator which would help a lot more than a kitchen chair. But she doesn't want to look "old". She's 92.
On the other hand, why expect them to pick up the phone every time someone calls? Maybe they're taking a bath, eating dinner or (gasp) having sex. There are perfectly good reasons for not answering the phone.
Yes, he is frustrating and I get a tightness in my chest when I enter his apt so I stopped entering it. I also don't worry about it anymore. If APS came in, I would be told he can live the way he wants.
My mother vowed not to be stubborn about getting hearing aids when her time would come to need them, because her father had been adamant his hearing was fine. As it turned out, she finally got them when my brother simply refused to speak to her anymore. It was childish on both their parts, but it finally moved her to make a change. All memory of her battles with her own dad were forgotten.
Your parents want to be independent. By and large it sounds like they are. It isn't up to your standards perhaps, but your job only to ensure they're safe, fed, and have a roof over their heads.
Stop trying to bend them to your will, and the whole relationship might improve.
"I realize I am being unfair", she says. "I am.. I'm expecting more from a daughter than I do from my sons. Because that's what I had to do. I took care of my mother. And I was so happy when I had a daughter. So happy. But I am expecting too much. I understand now."
How many times have we called others and they didn’t answer their phone immediately? Or how many phone calls have we received that we didn’t answer right away?
Like FF says, not everyone jumps up immediately to answer every phone call. They are old! They aren’t going to be fast.
It’s natural to become stressed out and perhaps subconsciously you are focusing on certain situations more often than you should be.
You started off your post with a list of things that you have done. Maybe all of these things are adding up and you feel a bit overwhelmed.
How often do you check on them? How often are you doing things for them? Do you have any time for yourself to do something fun? Something totally unrelated to caregiving? Everyone needs a physical and mental break.
Wishing you all the best.
I have made up my mind that I will not do this much longer - let him drain me and me not have a life after retiring in September.
I have 2 MacBook's in the house, an Apple Watch, an iPhone, an iPad, several Home Pods all of which I can answer the phone with.
Now, if I only had one phone, and it was downstairs, or in the car, maybe the phone calls would turn into voice mail and it would be less annoying. Or he'd just call again and again.....
Were they cruel to you when you were a child, and if so why have you continued contact at all with them as an adult?
Have you saw gently and calmly and discussed how you feel, giving them the examples you gave us, and telling them that you can't continue and you are sorry but must limit contact now to emergencies?
Have you considered setting and keeping boundaries?
I don't know. I DO understand that I had likely the best parents in the world given what I hear sometimes. And I TRY to be the least needy out there, following in their footsteps; at 80 I am (luckily) so far happy and well, and able, and do not put things at all on my kids, who don't live here anyway.
You might want to consider counseling with a Licensed Social Worker for a few hours to get help setting up boundaries, speaking about your perhaps enabling poor behavior with the parents by doing stuff, then being angry after, and etc. I suggest social workers in private practice more than psychologists because so often today the former suggests one pill in the morning for your depression, and because there isn't a whole lot of discussion about the past; it's more about how to deal with the NOW. But you may see patterns that formed or were/are forming.
Sure wish you the best. You seem to have tipped into some level of anger that makes you want to condemn everyone. I know that there are days we 80 year olds could write a "kids today!!!!!!" post, but for now, ha ha, I will refrain.
I remember how my parents jumped up to answer every single phone call in fear of missing ‘something important.’
I have never done that. If I am in the kitchen cooking or working on a project, I do not feel obligated to jump up to answer the phone. If something is urgent, they will call back.
We can go overboard with these things and it will create unnecessary anxiety.
People get old and death follows. This is a fact of life. Sure, we can make sure people are looked after and needs are being taken care of, but we can't worry about this type of thing twenty-four seven.
There was an old saying years ago that said; to whom much is given, much is expected. I don't know who said this, but it is the truth. LOL
As for the aunt calling late and screaming and yelling, her call would have gone directly to voice mail. Learn to start ignoring things.
As quiet as it is kept, you cannot watch people twenty-four seven. If this is the case, hire someone or get them in a assisted living or nursing home.