My mother and I recently (August 31) lost my dad after a very long, very debilitating illness. They had a difficult and, seemingly, mostly unhappy marriage, but they were together for 59 years. Dad's death was, weirdly, not hard for me (I thought I would be devastated, but I guess my heart had been breaking for him for decades).
For decades, and perhaps my entire life, Mom has suffered from an undiagnosed but very clear kind of depression. I've spent my entire adult life being her emotional support.
It has been incredibly difficult to stand by her all these years as she has refused, decade after decade, to see a psychiatrist or a therapist (though she is a big proponent of both for family members). At this point, in her early 80's, she is dependent on my husband and me for housing. Her only income is social security, and she has no assets but so much stuff she and Dad accumulated in their lives that it is literally overflowing the 2,300-sf home my husband and I are letting her live in, rent free. I'm not sure if she pays any bills. Her meals are mostly fast food or delivery from a local truck stop type place or Texmex chain she likes. She has a very sweet dog that pees and poops all over the house. After 3 months of her not managing to get a copy of her marriage license, I got one for her in the space of 5 minutes. After weeks of her not managing to get a copy of it to Social Security, I took her to their office to do so. She doesn't seem capable of managing her life at all. I'm not sure when she was, to be honest.
She has good weeks and bad weeks. In a good week, the house seems almost normal when we come over. The kitchen is a bit messy but not remarkably so, etc. She can hold a conversation, though she interrupts a lot. She laughs.
The past couple of weeks have been bad weeks. She's back to staying up all night. She sleeps until noon, then calls me in a panic. Her calls always start with her latest bowel movement (a topic she returns to again and again), the dog poop, what a terrible person she is, how terrible her vision is, all her ailments, what hurts, where and how weird. The calls end the same way.
Thanksgiving Day we were going to cook together and enjoy a small (just the 3 of us) celebration. When I'd called 5 times with no answer by noon we headed over, expecting the worst. She'd just been asleep. She said she thought it was 8am, but I suspect she'd just been avoiding the phone.
This honestly isn't new. As I said, she's been this way off and on for decades, but now she's alone and she's in her 80's. She refuses to follow any advice I give her and often turns it back around on me as a form of defensive gaslighting. A short version of that would be to spend five minutes telling me how she can't see and then roll her eyes and exclaim that I'm exaggerating when I express concern about the fact that she still drives (she slept through an appointment for eye surgery last week, fyi).
I'm writing tonight because I called her tonight (we'd already spoken twice today) and told her that I need a break. I pointed out that she's been in the same shape for 30 years, and I told her that I just can't keep talking to her every day, pretending nothing's wrong while she refuses to get any kind of help for herself. I'm at the age now (56) where I'm struggling with major health issues of my own that she is not. I'm so anxious about her state and what to do next (and how the he!! to pay for it!) that it's very hard to focus on that.
No question, I guess, but could use support. I adored both my parents, despite the difficulties. I miss my dad. I also miss my mom. It's been so long; it seems since I had either. I have no children, but I do have a person I love who needs me. Relies on me.
It's just so hard.
I think you should concentrate more on you and your husband and having a happy life together. It sounds like you have a good marriage. Don’t neglect it.
Find some joy in living your life. You can’t fix your mother’s. She needs to do that.
My mother wants wants best for me -- but she also understands how vulnerable she is. What neither of us know, because I haven't been willing to risk finding out for so very long, is if her own self preservation instincts will kick in if I step off the stage for a little while.
It makes me angry that her brothers and their families, whom my mother adores, didn't even bother to call her yesterday. It breaks my heart. I can't tell you how many times we hosted them at our home, when I was a kid. Her brothers call her all the time. They tell her how they travel the world. They even included her on a family email / invite to travel to Ireland next Spring, which isn't possible for her, for many reasons. They are living their best lives. They are lovely people. They have abandoned their sister. Mom only has me, and my husband. I don't want to "take a break" for too long. We are literally all she has.
Thank you for responding. I do understand how late it is at night in the US, right now. I hope your night is going well.
I hope Mom is sleeping peacefully, soundly. It's been overcast here for days -- that may well be making things harder for both of us.
Lately I’m an insomniac. My stress level is high these days and have a lot of anxiety worrying about my 94 y/o parents’ health situations. I find this blog helps me because I can in some way help support people who are dealing with many of the the same issues. it just helps.
Are you taking care of YOU? Do you have a therapist?
Mom may be depressed, but she sounds competent, from what you say. She has the right to make her own bad decisions.
You are what professionals call a "parentified child". You've been brought up to be in charge and watch out for your mom.
Except, the only behavior you can actually control is your own.
You can't care more about someone else's well-being than they do. You have to let it go.
The inevitable will happen. She'll fall, or fall ill. She'll go to the hospital and you'll tell them she lives alone and that no, you won't be moving her to your house or moving in with her. Those are not what's on offer.
Start researching Assisted Living places that accept Medicaid/government funding in your area
Maybe it's the other G word--Grief--that youre feeling.
I thought about this dynamic some more-- she complains about something, you advise and turns it around on you.
Try this.
Mom: "OH, my eyes are giving me so much trouble."
You: "Hmmm".
Mom: "I can barely see".
You: "What is your plan?"
Mom: "What?"
You: "How do you plan to address your eye problem?"
In this scenario, you listen to HER PLAN to address this problem. This gives you an opportunity to tease out her thought process (okay/delusional/can no longer make a plan) and if she HAS a plan (like she says, make me an appointment) she has been part of the planning and MAYBE you have a better chance of her complying.
To change your current "dance" you are going to have to change the steps.
I don't expect anything from my brothers. We rarely talk. Wife of one and I keep in touch. I just got home last week from a visit with them. All good. Other brother is in the wind. I would not expect my girls to call them giving an update on my health. If they are interested, they can call. Life is so simple when you don't expect things out of others.
What I suggest is to get Mom to her PCP for a good check up with Labs. This will tell you if she is lacking something. If he/she suspects cognitive decline out of the ordinary, then a Neurologist should be seen.
I would talk to her eye doctor about her driving. If he feels she should not be driving until she gets her surgery, she needs to be told this. Her keys taken away and the car disabled until she has the surgery done.
I don't own a 2300 sq ft house. I have 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, a l/r, eat in kitchen, family room and laundry room. 1700 ft. (Oh, a back porch and a deck) I raised 2 kids in it. At 73 2300 would be hard for me to keep up. I pretty much just maintain now.
I think you and Dad just went with the flow when it came to Mom. It was "thats just Mom". Which is OK until the person who held the household together dies. Leaving the responsibility of Mom to the children. Will she change, I doubt it. This is Mom and now she is aging, she won't miraculously "get it". There are things you going to have to do for her, and others you will need to just let go. You will need to set boundaries for your own sanity.
Telling you she "understands and won't bother you" is a passive-aggressive comment intended to upset you and make you feel guilty, in case you didn't realize it. She easily could have left off the "I won't bother you" part of that statement but CHOSE not to. It was purposeful.
I suggest you DO back off and see if mom's self preservation mode kicks in. I wouldn't count on it though. You need to set down some firm boundaries with the woman by letting her know what you will and won't do, and what you expect from HER. Nobody's probably expected anything from her in decades and that's what she's giving: Nothing. If she chooses to sleep thru an important eye doctor appointment and then cry about bad eyesight, who's fault is that and how do YOU plan to fix your problem now MOM?
Don't let her play the guilt card on you. Tell her what the new rules are and then stick by them. You may wind up doing BOTH of You a favor in the process bc it's time for mom to act like an adult now and not leave you alone to be the only grown up here.
Good luck to you.
This has been a sad day for me. I'm worried that perhaps the grief I have not experienced over my father's death is looming. The past several years have been very hard, where my parents are both concerned. Dad's death was inevitable, but I am very sad about his last years, and the state they have both lived in for all that time. In fact, we moved them to our house (and bought a different home for ourselves, which we'd long wanted to do) a year and a half ago because of their living conditions. So at least that did improve things for them.
I do have a therapist, and even a psychiatrist for now. I've been very hesitant to try medications due to multiple health issues (I don't want to complicate things), but my own depression seems to be rearing it's head. I guess that's to be expected under the circumstances.
I have a friend who was the sole caregiver for her own mother through Lewy body Dementia. I have it so easy compared to what the two of them went through. It helps, too, that I do like and love my mother, though sometimes I (to be honest) wish that I did not.
These feelings will pass. Mom's situation will continue to change, at her age and with her lifestyle, and I'll deal with it as best I can as that happens. I'm glad she has me and that she isn't completely alone.
So here's to those out there -- the unspoken for many -- who don't have family caregivers of any kind. Who are also reliant on whatever Social Security they may have earned in their adult years. Who fall to the mercy of underpaid and undertrained and overworked caregivers and social workers. And here's, also, to those caregivers and social workers.
They are so easy to forget. Just ask my extended family (sorry if I sound bitter).
And there, but for the grace of circumstance, go so many.
At any rate -- thank you again. All comforting observations, and I appreciate them.
The only person you have control of is yourself.
Sounds like you could benefit from setting some boundaries as to your own time/energy. Perhaps you would find it beneficial to find a routine, i.e. you no longer call/check on mom daily, but every other day. Use that time you aren't calling and/or following up on things she failed to do, use that time purposely doing what brings you joy & peace, gardening, reading, out with friends, etc.
A very very valuable part in all this caregiver saga is learning & living it, you matter too.
Near the end of your last post you apologized for sounding bitter. You don’t sound bitter to me. You sound the way I once did, which is frustrated and exhausted!
I would also describe my caregiver days as dealing with depression and anxiety. Oh, feeling lost and sometimes angry. Definitely lonely due to isolation.
Any one of us who has been through it or going through it now certainly understands how you feel. Caregivers feel a wide range of emotions.
So please, don’t feel as if you have to apologize for your feelings. They are perfectly normal.
It sounds like you have bent over backwards being of help, so there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about needing time for yourself.
Everyone needs a break. Everyone deserves a break. Wishing you nothing but the best as you move forward during this difficult time caring for your mom.