I'm trying to keep my own sanity.
My dad is 64 with a spinal cord injury he has had for 20 years now. He is not military. He does live in Colorado where through Medicaid you can hire your own health care workers instead of an agency. Sounds good but he can't find anyone who has a car, or is reliable. His one health care lady has left after back surgery. So he has no reliable help. He has nurses coming to tend his wounds on his heel. He keeps peeing his pants.
I went last weekend. I live 2 hrs away. I shop and make meals for the freezer. He also needs to move. Landlord wants to fix and sell the house. He told my dad last May. My dad can't find anything in his budget that he likes or has room for his stuff. I've talked till I'm blue. I've come up with realitic ideas like wheelchair-accessible apartments. He doesn't want to live in town or in an apartment. He has to have it his way.
Now he is 6 days again with no help so no bowel program. It's hard to look forward to the weekend because of the guilt I feel if I don't go. I'm really tired of him not taking care of himself. He tells me healthcare agencies are no good. He had one once. I have posted jobs at the nursing progran at the University. No luck. I tried talking to them first. It still doesn't help once they are around my dad.
He was hoping my brother would get paroled so he could come live with him and help him. My brother was denied. I'm glad because I don't want to see my brother fall back into old habits at dad's. Of course I'd like to see him well and free at some point. Dad only sees it from his point of view. I've talked with his case worker before and I've been told it's his choice. Nobody is forcing him to live like this.
My dad doesn't have a lot of money but still pays my brother's mortgage in Montana because he can't let go. I ask him to stop. I help where I can and buy him groceries, but I can't buy him a place or land to put a trailer on. He won't move closer to me because he will lose his state money. I'm just so tired of having the same convo with him. He is just getting worse. I firmly told him as I'm changing his pee-soaked sheets that he needs help. Oh, he knows and lights another cigarette.
I went away last weekend with my husband because we needed to, but not before my dad let me know he had in peed pants once again but he was glad I was getting away. Tonight when I called he hasn't had any help, no bowel program and is going to do it himself and get in the shower by himself. I say, "Why won't you get help? Why do you continue this way?" He says it's hard to find anyone. Too tired... If everyone hadn't screwed him... It's the same conversation every time. I say I love you; be careful. What the frick. I have work in the morning. Trying to process all of this and not get too down.
I am sorry you have so much guilt, parents can be really good at playing that card. I hope you and your husband can establish some boundaries and stick to them no matter how loud he cries over wet pants and no bm. Pain can be a great teacher and he needs to learn that he needs to make some compromises because he is not in charge of you any longer.
Good look.
He is from the era that The Man ran The Show. Step back and let him realize that he needs a co-producer now and you’re willing to help, but he has to meet you halfway. As long as you keep letting him be in control and solve all his problems for him, nothing will change. The ball is in your court and you need to set boundaries and rules. Sit down with your husband and decide what you will do for Dad and not do and where you will draw the line and then stick to your resolve. Dad sure won’t like it, but you need to stick to it. If you do nothing and continue on this way, nothing will change. Don’t let him intimidate you any more. Up to you.
I don't know, personally I think that we all loose the right to complain when we don't do all we can for our own situation, of course we all need to vent, but digging your heals in, running helpers off and being a PITA just because you want to, well that's a different story.
Your brothers have washed their hands because being Male, they have a better insight about what is really going on. Maybe taking a queue from them would get things moving in a better direction for all involved.
I had to tell my dad, you can do what ever you can pull off. He is doing soooooo much better and our relationship has improved. I am not his woman as you are not your dads, but that's the role he is putting you in. Time to reevaluate what you are willing to do based on his willingness to do. Know what I mean?
Hugs 2 u, not an easy place to be, forsure.
There is nothing you can do. He is capable of making his own decisions. He will do something when he has to. Landlord gave enough time to find himself a new place. Next thing is eviction.