Life after caregiving.

Ask yourself what are your interests...perhaps something you are interested in could provide a volunteer opportunity..every community has varied needs for volunteers, everything from museum guides to animal rescue to helping at food banks, etc. It is a nice way to meet new people and just get out and about. Do you have any interest in travel...perhaps a tour to someplace you always wanted to see...even if you have don't have a travel companion, there are tours that would be good for single traveler...maybe even part-time work would give you new contacts....also check if there are support groups in your area for anything that might be of help in finding someone to talk to and even think if you might want to try to reconnect with any friends or family you lost touch with over the years. Take care and all the best.

One other thought or two...give yourself some time to adjust to a new chapter in your life...what you did in taking care of your loved ones was incredible...you must be a very caring and loving person to have done so...again take care and if you feel overwhelmed just remember to you can forward at your own pace.

Little75, you are grieving not only the loss of your family but the loss of what you considered your sense of purpose. Time will help.

Counseling may be a good way to help you transition to another life, so to speak. Many of us have spent so many years as caregivers that it becomes our identity. I have. It sounds like you have. There's no weakness in seeking the help of someone who can listen long term and perhaps guide you as you find new meaning in your life.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing. You'll help others as well as yourself.
Take care,
Carol

After my dad died 1.5 years ago, I felt lost, yet found. I knew I was "free", yet felt trapped, not knowing what to do with my life. I felt relief, and guilt. I pondered going to school, getting a job, taking up a hobby, volunteer...I chose nothing instead. I focused on family around me that I had neglected in caring for my dad. Over time, I began to venture out of my comfort zone, and started living life again, even went on vacations. Now, with my MIL recently diagnosed with dementia, and needing care I'm willing to go another round, yet life will be different this time. I know better what to expect, as well as better ways to handle it. At the same time, I'm going to set better boundaries for myself this time...I don't want to " lose myself" again in the process. Some of us are caregivers from birth, however that doesn't mean we are to care at our total expense. Give yourself time, as much as you need, and if you find yourself in an emotional rut, don't hesitate to seek counsel, or even a caregivers support group. What you did for your loved ones is beautiful, what you will become will be priceless.

VOLUNTEER. You meet the BEST people because only the BEST people give of themselves. I fundraise for a Trap-Neuter-Return Cat Rescue, am trained as a Master Tree Stewart and teach a section on the importance of trees in the fourth grades in our county, I trained in CPR/AED/First Aid so that I can be that person when the Girl Scouts go camping, I sing so I am asked to lead the town G.S. troupes in caroling, and am active in a coalition to save our local Olmsted park from being turned into a sports complex/rock concert venue by the county. I found talented, generous people in every one of those organizations. I am so busy, I still don't have time for one-on-one with friends, but I barely miss it.

I can relate so much to your situation because i recently lost my mom with alzheimers after almost four years of being here locally and moving here from colorado. Her declining condition was so difficult to watch and all i cared about was being with her every minute i could after working. These few weeks of grieving for her loss have left me empty, with a hole in my heart, with no identity and no purpose. But as a friend told me, we all need something to look forward to, like maybe a day trip or weekend trip , a purpose, like being with animals, photography, church, nature or something you believe in and something or someone to love. Time to fill up your heart with fun, music, spirituality, love, peace, acceptance, serenity, contentment for your next chapter if life. I am in the same place you are so keep us posted. Blessings to you, colorado proud, carol

My caregiving has also come to an end after four years of providing 24/7 care for my mom with Alzheimer's and her hubby with general age related decline, and truth be told, I think early stages of dementia. They were both moved by my twisted sibs to a senior living community, mom in memory care, he in assisted. There was little help from in town sibs, in fact the opposite they caused a tremendous amount of additional stress and it evolved into legal wrangling. It has been nearly five months now.

I have been looking for work, I want to return to my profession, which I loved. In fact, I am hoping receive a job offer today for a position I interviewed for last week. There are some positions that I applied for that I have not heard back at all. Another one I did hear back via postcard telling me that I did not meet minimum qualifications for the position. That was completely unexpected. This employer wanted someone with ten years combined experience and education. I completed my Master's degree while caring for my folks, there was no way, with twenty-five years experience in my field coupled with my education that I did not meet minimum qualifications! So, I emailed HR and the acting director of the department asking for clarification and whether four years of caregiving had impacted their decision. The response I received was an apology indicating the postcard had been filled out incorrectly and my resume had been sent on to the department. Hmmmm.... Whatever. This was the first time that I advocated for myself through looking for work.

I became so accustomed to advocating for the folks that I was not prioritizing advocating for myself. And the first time I did, received the response I was hoping for. Another reason I decided to ask why, was the acting director is also the director of the Agency on Aging in this community. If anybody understands the caregiving role it would be that woman.

Finishing caregiving is an adjustment. My days had been some sort of constant chores all the while advocating for the folks. So, I switched focus from them to me. I need, and Little, you need to learn to advocate and care for yourself. It is a process, for sure. I still spend alot of time by myself which is the sort of person I am. I have always enjoyed alone time, in fact I don't know how I managed four years of caregiving.

Getting my life back is difficult. Finding work will help and has given me other things to think about other than the occurrences of the past four years, much of it very hurtful. Counseling helps, as I found someone that specializes in caregiver issues. Initially, after the move all of our talks centered around the vindictiveness of my sibs and how much more difficult they made my task. Counselor would always ask what am I doing about getting my life back. I did not have an answer. My caregiving experience was all consuming with very little time for me. Now all my time is mine. Now, I notice our chats are gradually shifting to be concentrated on me and where I am going rather than revolving around what the sibs have done to me and the folks the past years.

How long ago did your mom pass? My mom has not passed, but I have lost her both to the disease and her daily presence in my life. I too am grieving, though differently than you are, Little. It is going to take both of us time to move on. One day at a time. Baby steps. Finding things that we are interested in doing, but first lots of me time to process what we have done these last years and where we want to go.

My only advice is take your time to grieve. Find a group that you would like to get to know and participate in. Book clubs, knitting, sewing, walking or even just meeting for coffee. Check to see what "meetup" groups are in your area if you want to make friends. These are relatively easy to participate in and there are thousands in my area. If you do not like the first group you attend, try another and another. Volunteer work is also a very good way to meet people, while helping others.

Best wishes to you, and to me too.

Thank you for sharing and giving all of us a chance to grieve with you and to encourage you. I lost my father 6yrs ago and am presently facing the huge and painful decision of whether I need to place my mother, an Alzhiemer victim, some where, as her condition has become one beyond what I can care for. It feels so lost and lonely, but you are not alone. Allow yourself time to grieve over not just your loss but the life you've become. But be proud of where you have been, who you are, and where you are going. All the suggestions here are great. When your ready, get busy with something that is for you. Nothing is more fulfilling than volunteering. You get to feel yourself being useful again and doing something you love. And it's a great way to meet people, many who have been through what you have. This site has been a lifesaver to me and I hope that knowing people are there for you can help you as well. I personal volunteer in a free Bible education work. Not only has this helped me see my value and purpose in life, it helps me to help others to do the same. As mentioned, please keep us informed on how you are doing. My prayers are with you. Judy

Wonderful response, gladimhere. You've been a blessing on this community.
We're wishing you to best in your job search. I hope that you find a company that deserves you!
Carol

Thank you, Carol. Rather long and drawn out, but I NEEDED that!

Really good answers here so far, and I wanted to add this. Your caregiving skills could be the pathway to a new job, if that's what you want to do.

Of course, be sure you're ready to make such a move. When you are, don't discount your experience taking care of your family - your skills are valuable! You could apply your gifts as a paid job or as a volunteer job. Senior facilities, community programs, Area Agencies on Aging, churches, etc. always need volunteer help in so many ways. Helping others has many benefits for one's self as well as the people you serve.

I learned from each death experience that the loss of someone during the care giving process leaves us with deep sense of failure.

I don't mean the care giving effort was wasted or not appreciated, its just the futile angry feeling that you did everything possible; followed thru, followed up, demanded, pleaded, corrected, supervised, threatened,, reported........in an attempt to control and extend the process and you still lost.....

Im not saying it is a permanent feeling, or long lasting condition but initially for me it was a part of my grieving process.

I was sole caregiver of my husband of 50 years for a long time.
he passed away in July.
it is very difficult to know what to do.
for me, I know I need my church friends - met some new ones and working on a bond, widows understand each other.
there is a widow/caregiver group that I expect to join Monday.
there are caregivers there who took care of their parents, etc. who have since passed away
I took up a hobby that I loved and had to put on hold while I took care of my husband... still working on getting friendships going in the clubs I joined to pursue my favorite hobby... photography.
in the meantime, I take my camera and my best buddy-my doggie who is 11 years old and we go out about an hour in the evening, walking and I take photos of sunsets, etc.
take up a new hobby you might have thought about doing, find others who do it.
even going to craft stores there is usually someone shopping in the same department you might strike up a conversation about the hobby...
God will direct when you listen.
I am looking for a volunteer project to put my talents in to help others.
at this time, it will not be in a caregiver setting... wound too raw.
I hope you will post back in a few months and let us know how you are doing.

this should be a great resource since I found the caregivers

Carespeaker1, thank you so much for your description of the deep sense of failure after death of loved one. I cared for my first husband through cancer, and still worked full time because I carried the medical insurance. We are over an hour from his cancer ward in good hospital, so there were many fast trips there every time he got an infection that went septic. The last infection killed him. I was not only grieving, but absolutely exhausted. Guilt wasn't realized until a long time afte.

Little 75, advice for me was, every day get up, suit up, and show up. I left the house every day, and being with/ talking with people was essential. Please let us know how you are progressing.

You are very brave, and your conscience is telling you that you did the right thing. It will probably be very difficult to pick the pieces at first, but take it one step at a time. You are never too old to date, have interests, and live a life. You certainly owe it to yourself!

In response to Carespeaker who said, "I learned from each death experience that the loss of someone during the care giving process leaves us with deep sense of failure," I have a slightly different twist on that idea.

I had a dear, dear friend who died from kidney cancer, despite my best efforts to advocate, do research, and support him. I did everything in my power to save him and I couldn't. When he died, I finally could realize and ACCEPT that I don't control the universe. That no matter how perfectly I could do anything, no matter how much research I could do and how much knowledge I could amass, I can't make someone live through advanced kidney cancer. Knowing that my powers were limited (and human) took a huge burden off of my shoulders. Because before that, I thought if I just tried harder and found more and better information, I could solve any problem. I couldn't.

I've tried to remember that lesson in caring for my dad (who's now also gone) and my mom, who's still here at 95. We can only do what we can do and when our care giving is done, we have to move forward with strength and the knowledge that we did our best. And that was good enough.

I only lost my mom this summer, and have a lot of time where I am just frozen. Stuck staring. I know there are things I have to do, but I cannot get going on them. I am still cleaning out her house, and getting it ready for sale (almost there). But it is bittersweet, because Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming, and for the very first time, I will have to have these holidays at my own home, and we don't have nice furniture, china, and all the "things" that my mom had, to make it special.
I know it sounds petty to complain about the china. But I hand-washed hers for, oh, only 40 years, with her at my side. Guess what, the china has been picked up by one of my sisters.....I really loved that china, and my sister has no idea, because she only came to a couple holidays at mom's house. (and sister has her own set of china, besides).
So I guess I am a little depressed, and also a little angry. I spent so much time with mom, and also with my dad, and now I am all alone. But still have a lot of work to do to get mom's house SOLD, and after that, her taxes, and all the paperwork to close out the estate.
And there is no money to pay me any Executor fee.

Little75: As caregiver for my momther (it's been 6 years) full time, I appreciate your willingness to share the disconnect you feel. I cannot imagine life without my mom. God bless you on your next journey in life. My cousin just lost his brother to whom he was caregiver. He belives it's now time for him to reconnect with family. I hope you can reconnect with family and friends. Sounds like you have a lot of catching up to do.

Your caregiving skills are valuable and could an avenue for part-time employment if you live in medium or large city. You could be a companion or set up an errand services for elderly persons.
Caring for your mother gives you hand-ons experience caring for a person with that terrible disease.
Depending on your background, a geriatric managment firm might find your background interesting. In fact, I look for former caregivers for my business. I am not suggesting a full-time position, but a part-time one.
You have had enornous changes in your life. Do take time to care for yourself.

ADC, after four years of 24/7 care, the last thing I want is to be caregiving! Some may resign themselves to that, but I will not be one of them! I know my background would be interesting, if I can do it for a family member, I can do it for anybody?! Not a chance. The only way I would be able to do it is FOR a family member.

Little75, what worked for me after my father died was to write about our journey together. I had to reach way down emotionally as I reviewed my childhood, for my father was a mean alcoholic. But I knew he did not deserve abuse and neglect. I fought for him daily for the last two years of his life. Our mutual love was evident.
You might find writing a cathartic experience for you also. I published our story (Before the Door Closes), but you would not have to do that to receive healing, peace, and rest.

Little, are you still there? Would like to hear your thoughts.

mabe you could volenteer at a nursing home to help with feeding the bedridden and help with activites or just keep some one company

We needed it too!
hugs,
Carol

I'm still here. I decided to try counseling. I have my first appointment on Monday. I have less bad days now, but it's the loneliness that's hard. I'm really worried about Thanksgiving and Christmas. My birthday was a couple weeks after my mom died and it was not a good day. I'm thinking of some kind of service on Thanksgiving but I couldn't find anything on the Internet. Any ideas?

I'm glad to hear you've sought counsel...the "1sts" were hard for me. You will find yourself again, in a whole new, yet different way. At first, I tried to volunteer, yet decided to just "be" for a bit. I realized, for me, seeking outside "things" were my way of avoiding grieving. "Griefshare.org" was a huge blessing for me.

Little, it is a process. I think getting involved, as Ephesians says, is a way to avoid greiving. Those that can do it, just get involved with something, that is to their credit. But for me, it is going to take personal work and time.

I have found that volunteering on holidays helps me feel less lonely. I volunteered at a nursing home two years ago and helped get residents to their church service. It was nice to be around other people on that day and helping others. So if you feel like it might help you, check out where they're offering meals for the homeless and volunteer. Good luck and please keep us posted. Many of us will be here on Thanksgiving and Christmas...so you won't be alone. I'm on my computer every day, so feel free to message me on my wall and we can share those holidays. Hugs...

Check the websites of churches in your area for times of their holiday services.

Little, these special days will be hard. They always are for those of us who lose loved ones, and I don't know what to tell you but echo the others. You could, if the idea attracts you, offer to help serve Thanksgiving and/or Christmas dinners at a local church or the Salvation Army. JudyJourneys mentioned checking local church websites which is a great idea. Your local newspaper may also have listings but checking the sites ahead will let you plan if you want to attend services or help out. If the Salvation Army or another organization that helps feel the homeless needs help - and they almost always do - you can call them directly.

Don't feel bad about yourself if getting out and being involved isn't what you want. This works very well for some people. Others need to work it though in a quieter way. Talk to your counselor about this and see what she/he thinks.

Please keep us updated.
Carol