I'm a new poster, but I've been looking at the postings for the past 6 months. Thank you for all the wonderful posts, they have been so helpful to me. My parents started declining about a year ago. My mom had a form of Parkinson's and about 6 months ago it really accelerated and no matter what we did it never seemed to let up any. Last week she was chatting to my dad and their personal assistant, blanked out and died very quickly afterwards in the hospital. All quite a shock. I had moved both of my parents into assisted living at the end of March after both of them had a lot of hospital and rehab visits and neither one of them could walk. Now that my mom has died my dad keeps on talking about moving back to their house. :( I feel so bad for him, but it seems like a bad fit right now. I am all upset about my mom and I feel guilty over what has happened to both of them. :(
Guilt is normal, but don't dwell on it. You did everything you could for your mom. When the time comes, it just comes, whether we're ready or not. Sometimes we have lots of advanced warning (like with my dad), or none at all (like with my mom). Either way, you're never really ready for it.
Take time to grieve. Feel the pain, deal with it and move through it to the other side when you're able to. You're going to be ok. Just give yourself (and Dad) time.
I wonder if your Dad is looking for your Mom and he wants to go to the last place that they were happy and spent their life together. Let him talk. Maybe after a couple of weeks of getting used to being alone at the assisted living facility, he will reconnect with friends that he and your Mom made there.
I am glad that the posts made by other people on AgingCare.com have been helpful to you. It is amazing what others are experiencing with their loved ones--good and bad.
Keep coming to this forum and vent whenever you want to. God Bless.
How is Dad physically [besides having issues with walking] and mentally [such as memory]? Why would it be a bad fit for Dad to move back to his house? Or would he need 3 shifts of caregivers to help? Just curious.
Your Dad has a lot of emotions going around, and he's only been in senior living for a couple of months, not enough time to adjust to the new place. And now that Mom is no longer there, he probably wants to bolt. I wonder if he would accept being in Independent Living, being in an apartment at the facility instead of the much smaller rooms of Assisted Living. It's something to consider.
So many times our elderly parents feel they can just pick up where they left off after moving out of their house. They are in denial. My Dad was different, once my Mom passed, the For Sale sign was in the front yard, my Dad was ready for senior living. He was in Independent Living and really loved his 2 bedroom apartment, and all the perks. Dad no longer wanted the responsibility of caring for a house.
I too am wondering as FF how your Dad is physically and mentally. And why it would be a bad fit to move back home?
If he is like my Mom after my Dad died, nothing will really make him content for a while. I think getting opinions from his doctors, AL staff, or an occupational therapist might help in any decision as to whether he should move back home. I know after my Dad died, the only way my Mom was able to stay home was because they lived in a MIL apartment with me. And I took over a LOT of things the Dad had always taken care of.
Mom got worse (developed dementia and problems walking) and she is now in AL. She isn't happy about needing to be there, but makes the best of it. But it took her a few months. Maybe it will take your Dad a few months of being without your Mom for him to make connections and feel at home at AL.
Best wishes making a decision and helping your Dad adjust!
Hug your father and grieve together and may God bless you both during this difficult time.
My dad is fine mentally, but very weak physically. He no longer is walking and is wheelchair bound. He had a stroke and his left side was impacted, so his left hand and leg are pretty useless. He needed 3 people helping him to get him out of the car and into his wheelchair when he was at my mom's funeral.
He was in the hospital and rehab in January/February/March with a urinary tract infection and kidney stone removal. He ended up with swallowing issues, which he gradually got over and had to be on the swallowing diet for months. He then had a relapse of the urinary tract infection in April and it was so severe the people at assisted living (including my mom and my dad's brother) thought he was not going to make it.
While he was at the hospital in April they discovered he had a blood clot in his left leg and he's on kumadin. He also has added a heart condition. I guess his heart rhythm is off and that is just because of age. He then went to rehab again after the April hospital stay for several weeks.
Right now his left leg is swollen and he's anxious about it. He also is on a no salt diet and they limit his meat eating because of the swallowing issues he recently had.
I just think AL is a better fit considering how he keeps on adding more and more physical problems. It's also great that he can have the doctor and podiatrist see him there and he can get a haircut/beard trim there without having to leave AL.
You need to start looking at nursing homes to see which ones you like. Ask the nursing home what type of therapy your Dad can get there. Also ask whether the doctor (your Dad's own doctor or a doctor hired by the facility) will be seeing your Dad at the nursing home and whether a podiatrist comes to the nursing home to take care of residents' feet. Most facilities have a beautician who cuts both men's and women's hair. Some nursing homes also have a barber who will come in once or twice a month to see the male residents. A Bath Aide usually shaves a resident while they are getting their WEEKLY bath. Or a CNA can use an electric shaver and shave your Dad daily. Your Dad may not need a nursing home at this time, but it doesn't hurt to be prepared for when he does need one.
I hope that you and your Dad can look at your Mom's life and remember her with fond memories. God Bless!