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My mom has lived with me since 2003 when my dad passed away. She did her own finances for a couple of years and started in the beginning stages of dementia and I had to help her balance her checkbook and write some checks for her. My husband became ill and was off work for 1 1/2 years and during the end of his illness only got 60% of his wages. I asked my mom if we could borrow money to meet the monthly bills until he went back to work and she agreed. My sister, mom and I were all on mom's checking account so we all had access. When my sister found out money was missing she threathened to charge me with fraud for using the money. I told her I was given permission but with my mom's dementia she honestly did not remember telling me it was ok. My sister has been holding this over my head for a year and my family takes care of my mom every day of her life and my sister only comes around once a week if even to take her shopping. We had a big argument last week and will probably never speak again. Can she prosecute me for fraud it this is not her account? Again, she always had access to the account so it was never a deliberate act of deceit on my part. My sister nows does my mom's banking and does not tell my mom what is going in and out of her account and she also gave her daughter $5000 inheritance early from the money. Can I go to jail or can someone tell me what I need to do to protect myself and my mom. Can my sister press charges without my mom's agreement? I signed a document that said I will pay back the money with out of my inheritance. If I go to jail my husband will not take care of my mom and I am worried about her as we do almost everthing for her. Help me please!!!! I am petrified of going to jail

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ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOUR NAME WAS LEGALLY ON YOUR MOTHER'S BANK ACCOUNT? THIS COULD MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE AS TO WHETHER YOU COULD BE PROSECUTED. BY LAW.ALSO WERE YOU JUST ON AS AN HEIR OR REALLY ON LEGALLY TO WRITE A CHECK OR WITHDRAW THE MONEY?
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Hey babs, Sounds to me that your sister is guilty and trying to put it on you--since you are the one with the conscience. Or, does she think things are "even" now? Ask her. Better see a family law attorney. Worth it. Do it soon, don't wait, the stress will drive you nuts. Good Luck.
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We were all on the checking account together. Now whether I was permitted to write the checks, I don't know but would assume so. My mother and I were doing her finances together and when my mom needed help with adding or writing checks, she asked me to do it. My mom knew I needed the money and I wrote the checks out to cash and just signed my mom's name like she always made me do. Nothing unusual as I had her permission to use the money or we would have lost our home.
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The bank has all three of you on the account for the checks so all of you has legal right to the monies. Your mom was there when she added your names to her account, so the bank will honor all three names. There is no way for her to prosectute you. If you want to feel secure about this contact an estate attorney or the bank.
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Yes, PirateQueen is VOR (voice of reason) today. Take a deep breath ( good advice) and tally up everything, have sister do the same. Both of you need to come to the table and resolve it. Collect the facts and face it. You will feel better:)
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We did tally up everything back in March after all this went down. We went over each bank statement one by one and added up all the money that I used and I signed a promissary note along with both my mother and my sister saying it will be paid back or taken out of my inheritance at the time of my mother's passing. My sister says her attorney told her the promissary note is not good, but the attorney I spoke with yesterday says it is legal as it is signed by all three of us and there is no date on it that says when the money needs to be paid back. I looked online and it does say a promissary note is a legal document.
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Why do you think your sister is giving you such a hard time about this? You said she "gifted" her daughter with Mom's money--how is that any different than what YOU did? I still say, protect yourself legally, and watch the watchdog, Babs.
Peace, Hugs.
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I totally agree with you. She is a vindictive person and thinks she and her husband can control me because I used the money. I have an appointment Monday with an attorney and mom is going with us. We are changing the will and revoking my sister's POA. My brother in law tried to force his way into our home the other night after we told him he was not permitted inside any longer and we had to call the police. We now have to get a restraining order, My poor mom was so upset and I was hearbroken. My husband pushed him out the door and he fell down our front steps. I guess now they will try to sue us for that too....
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Something I am not seeing here is whether anyone has POA for mother? What kind of document did you sign, who gave you this document, in other words did your sister make it up? Does your mother have a will, who is executor? Why would you think it is wrong to help your mother pay her bills, then witness the fact that your sister has given away $5000? Sounds to me like she wants all the money. If your sister has been holding "this" over your head for a year, it's the fact there is nothing she can do. You did nothing wrong, your signature was legal or the bank would not have processed the checks. If mom is living with you did you get POA? If you do have it, tell your sis to take a hike, open a new account without sis's name on it. If you don't have it, it's time you did. Call an attorney and have one drawn up......and no they don't have to be completely lucid and in their right mind to sign their name on a piece of paper. Where is the bank statement mailed? I would make sure I had a copy of it to see where sis is helping herself to the money. If the account is still your mom's then you should have access to the statement. What kind of bills does your mother have since she lives with you? Are her finances directly deposited, are there other sources of funds? It appears that your sister is not concerned with your mother's welfare....only the size of her bank account. Good luck with this and please let us know how things work out.
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My big mouth sister claims she has a POA. Well come Monday she won't have one anymore as I am taking mom to an attorney to write up a new will and relinquish any other POA's. My mom wants her money back so that is what we have to talk to the attorney about. My mom has not seen what is in her bank account since March of 2009 so I have to take her to the bank to get them. Bank statements and everything else is mailed to my sister since she is the financial guru. My sister takes my mom's income cause she still works as it is directly deposited and my dad's pension and SSI are deposited directly. I get nothing for taking care of my mother and I pay the water, trash and her cable and phone. I cook for her, do her laundry, drive her to work and take care of giving her meds and all the everyday things an 82 year old needs. My sister does very little. She is a good time charlie and is out playing socialite all the time. My sister is a greedy person and has told my family I stole the money from my mom. I think I could say the same thing now....
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PS. My sister is the executor of the will and the document was an agreeement between all of us that the money I borrowed would be paid back. If not paid back before my mom passes away, it will come out of inheritance. She cares more about the almighty buck then keeping her mom safe and comfortable in the last years of her life.
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YES, GET POA AND CHANGE THE WILL!!!! and tell your sister to kiss your A**. I have similar issues going on so I feel for ya! Mom has put me in control of everything of course hell started then, but keep strong and don't back down. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! YOU take care of her so YOU need to be the one that has control over her money. Once you do the POA PLEASE make sure you keep track of everything also keep track of your hours caring for mom give yourself a hourly rate. so instead of paying mom back you could just work it off. If you sister says anything tell her you charge $20/hr to take care of mom that you will send you sister a bill. Thats what shut my siblings up!! GOOD LUCK!!!
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OK, now you sound in control, Babs! You are doing the RIGHT THING! Good for you--believe in yourself and have confidence!
Do NOT let sister control you--YOU know who you are.
HUGS
christina
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Thanks so much for your kind words and it's nice to have someone understand and advise. I know I have to be strong now. I was always afraid of going to jail but now I need to fight back and take control of my mom. SHe lives with us and I've had enough of being bossed around. My main priority is taking care of my mom until she passes on. I have no guilt but I think my sister does and that is why she acts this way. She did the same thing to her father in laws family when his dad passed away. She has all his money too..... The funny thing is my sister gets paid under the table for taking care of my aunt at $13.00 an hour. She has never reported her income and she also babysat our doctor's son and never reported that income either.
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One more thing, Babs: WHOO HOO!! Go gettem, girl!!!
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Thanks Christina. I appreciate your help. I'll keep you posted after we speak with the attorney.
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Does anyone know of a neutral party that can handle my mom's finances in the future.
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italianbabs, I wish you all the luck and appreciate you posting your question and getting all those answers that has helped me also. What is it with siblings and what they think they are entitled to? I am going through alot with my mom now as she is has dementia and my siblings have only caused problems instead of offering one bit of assistance. May I ask what State you are in? I'm in New York and have to look into this myself, so if I come across any info for you I will surely send it along to you.
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Hi, If there's any way for you and your sister and your mom to meet with an elder law atty, and just hash it out together, you would be better off , I think, than having to each hire an attorney and have two atty's fighting over it. Having said this, I have had issues with my brother from the get go as well. It ain't easy! Good luck!
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I have been going through something similar for the last 3 years,even though the advice on here is well-meaning-I find it scary.My name was on the accounts since the 80's,this is not a game-people and lawyers do not play by the rules.You already smell trouble-arm yourself with a expert attorney-do not let them get their stratagy together.
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Not likley. After the incident with my brother in law trying to push his way into our home I think our relationship is pretty well shot. I feel nothing for her anymore and she is my only sibling. How unfortunate that this is how she chose to be. She accused me of being a thief again last week and also accused my 16 year old of stealing her grandmother Stomach pills. How childish.....
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Did you have to borrow money as well and siblings or other family got angry? Was you name also on the account with others like mine was? My husband said if I wasn't able to write checks the bank would not have honored them. Sounds right to me.
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If your mom, you and your sister were jointly on her checking account, then all three of you have equal access to the money. Ask her bank how this is set up. It is her account, she can add or take either of you off the account. But my understanding is when you are on a "joint" account you can write checks freely because this is your money also. If your Mom dies whoever has their name "jointly" on this account owns it. This overrides a will, so people need to be careful about adding anyone to their bank accounts. That is what Power of Attorneys are for. There are diffrent ways of setting up these accounts. But most banks set up joint accounts the same way.
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Yes, Babs. Listen to madge. I am POA for my Mother--but no one else WANTS the job, so I'm it. Her benefits come into direct deposit, I manage, pay bills, meds, and caregivers. Mother and I are both on the account, and I set up a savings account, too. I give my siblings and accounting every quarter, and so far, they have no complaints. They just keep clicking their calculators.
You have physical "custody", so to speak, your attorney needs to set it up so you have total control, and get your greedy a-- sister and her bully of a husband out of the movie.
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Babs,
You go girl! I agree with yellowfever about getting POA. It's very important. Basically, from what I am told, POA is your ability to control things while she's alive. Executer the person in control of the estate after death. IF you can get that changed, I would! Get both. If Mom agrees, take her to a lawyer, have them prep the papers first and sign away. No one needs to know, i.e. DON'T TELL YOUR SISTER! I have a similar situation. A selfish siblish who only wants their money and nothing of the mess we are in. I care for BOTH Mom and Dad. Dad with demntia and mom sick from head to toe. I lose countless days taking them to the doctors, CVS, church, groceries, errands etc...My family is affected, my job and my life! I have two non existent siblings. Asked for help when I almost had a nervous breakdown and both said, "Sorry, no can do." So I wrote them off because I have to use my energy in a positive way to take of my parents and keep myself sane. It's not easy. And I hate them for running like they did, but I'll have no regets. Neither will you.
Cheers,

SS
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If your Mom is in the early stages of dementia it may be hard to get POA. This is where you really need some legal advice. Good luck
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Thanks everyone. Boy you are all making me feel empowered. I am listing the comments as soon as you give them to me for the attorney. It does affect your family and it is really affecting my job which I have only been here for two years. I have a very understanding boss. Unfortunately my good time charlie sister does't have any idea what it's like to be stuck at home and neither does her idiot of a husband. They won't even give me money to fix my mom's furnace. I don't get any rent or any money for taking care of my mom but they think I should pay for all repairs in her apartment. If I was getting full rent of $700 a month I would repair it all. I just want someone neutral to handle the finances. Does anyone know of a company like that who is reputable?
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Mom still works 3 days a week and bathes herself and dresses herself. She has some minor short term memory loss but believe me she is pretty miffed at my sister right now and wants her money back in her control. My sister doesn't let her buy what she wants. It's my mom's money and she should buy whatever she wants to buy. Mrs. Greedy wants it all for herself and her kids new homes....
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Save your energy and pick your battles, Babs. Stay as calm and supportive of your Mom, aligned with her, so you have unity. Try not to bad-mouth your sister too much, because you never know when your Mom might have a change in her THINKING, due to the dementia, and she might get emotional. Know what I mean? Just watch your step, stay in control, and you will come out ahead--for your Mother's sake:)
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While you're at the lawyers getting POA also get medical POA. The bank account should also have a POD (paid upon death) that will determine who the money goes to when she dies. The account itself is probably under her SSN, so while while you have access to it while she is alive it could change after she is gone. Best to get everything in order now. Best wishes!
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