I wrote a couple weeks ago about how to help my 92-year-old Mother with dementia adjust to her new care facility. There has been so much great advice, thank you.
I was told to give it more than 2 weeks. It’s now at 4 weeks and she’s still crying on the phone, still wants to go home and not accepting this yet.
She had a new doctor visit on Tuesday, and they said she was agitated. They are prescribing her an anxiety medication and I want her calm to adjust but not to be too calm like a zombie. I moved her from my home here in SC to California on May 9 and did not think it would be this hard on her or me. Even though I’ve heard, don’t feel guilty, I do. Yesterday for some reason was hard for me.
I am very appreciative to have found this forum and see that there are so many like me and to just be patient. It’s hard. Especially since I’m now so far away.
I just wanted to touch base again, I guess. All your advice is truly helpful and welcome.
Thank you.
Yup, we are indeed hanging around too long, IMO. At 87, I'm already dealing with/adapting to loss in varying degrees of hair, teeth, hearing, balance, mobility and vision--not marbles or continence yet (I sincerely hope I make my Final Exit before either of those occur).
Admins, please move.
We moved from NY to SC around 8 years ago
I moved my mother from an AL facility in NY to one in SC that was close to me. It all went fine until some months into Covid things went south. I was not permitted to see her for 7 months. Then she had to be placed into SN. I was always able to visit at that point.
I just felt I didn't know your story very well so was asking to better understand it.
As others have suggested, the crying and asking to go home may well be mostly to you.
It may help you to find out how she is at other times when no friends/ family are around or on the phone. Ask the staff. is she going to meals/ activities? Is she talking to others at the dining table? Is she crying all day or seems ok?
I've started to do this with my dad. Sometimes I've popped in, looked in to dining room from afar without him seeing me, and see him chatting away with people at dining table. So I talk to the staff or pay the rent check or whatever I was doing, and then leave. Or , I have been asking the caregivers and dining room staff how he has been lately and how he acts. Its not as bad as he makes it out to me to be!
Every time this happens the responses to posters are out of place.
I see that Covers comment was removed.
The removal of his comment would have been enough.
The question didn’t have to switch over to the discussion section, resulting in comments posted out of place. Whatever…
So often, I felt invisible as a caregiver because everyone was focused on my mom.
Lots of people don’t realize how deeply situations affect the caregivers who are doing the best they can to help their patients.
1. With dementia - she may never adjust fully. From day to day she may not remember why she is there, she may want to go home - but honestly home may not even be the home she left. It could be a childhood home, or a home she shared with friends as a young adult, or a home she shared as a young married person, etc. HOME is subjective when a person has dementia. All she knows is that the facility is not home - but if you were to try to take her "home" it might not be either.
2. You will need to adjust YOUR expectations. There is a very good likelihood that she isn't going to stop her campaign to leave. Not to discourage you - but my FIL was in his SNF for a total of 7 months (he passed away) and he did not ever give us a break from wanting to go home. What you will need to do is remind yourself that she is where she needs to be. And that she IS home.
3. There is a term - "therapeutic lies". They are used especially for dementia patients- where you use half truths or untruths to mislead them for their own good. "We'll wait to see what the doctor says" or "We need to wait for test results" or "Those results aren't back yet" whatever you need to say to put her off. Not brute force "mom you don't have a choice you are staying here" but more gentle softshoe untruths to soften the blow.
4. I read or heard somewhere that each and every time you move someone over a certain age with any level of age-related cognitive decline, it takes them quite a while - sometimes months - to adjust to their new surroundings. If you compound that with dementia -that's just a a recipe for disaster - because not only are they in new surroundings, but they might be in new surroundings over and over again and not even understand that they moved.
5. Think about how you would feel if you didn't choose to move - someone came in and said you have to move - clear across the country - and it's for your own good, because we love you. And then you found yourself in this who new place. But bonus, you don't always remember why. And all of these new people are telling you what to do, when to do it, bringing you foods you don't always like, telling you when to take a bath/shower, telling you when to take your meds, and you are trying to remember all of this. That's got to be scary and frustrating.
At the end of the day - its the right thing. YOU know that. But it doesn't make it easier for her to adjust. Let's face it - what we want when we put our parents somewhere is for them to be content so that WE don't feel so bad about it - if we're being wholly honest. But if we don't get that lucky - they sure as heck want us to know they are mad or upset or downright pi$$ed off and they are going to do everything in their power to make sure we have to hear about it lol. Or they are just scared and don't know how to adjust. And just need more time.
How does guilting someone help their situation at all?
You can hate the situation you’re in, Cover, but there is no reason to shame others for doing what you disagree with.
Mom may never adjust at the facility, many don't. They "exist" until death. This could be why there are so many programs to try to help those avoid the same fate.
It may take a while for her to adjust. I would hope that her children in Cal were OK with this move and are visiting her. Maybe block Moms calls. You may be the trigger. Meaning she is OK till she talks to you. Get the ones that live near her handle her for now. Setbup a time of day you call her. If she starts getting upset, make an excuse to hang up.
I felt no guilt when I placed Mom in AL. But then she adjusted well. Also in her last stages. I as you, was not a caregiver, out of 2 siblings, I was it. Your Mom is safe and cared for with family nearby.
Everything about dementia and age-related decline is hard. You are doing your best for her and should feel at peace about it. Many seniors do not have loving and engaged daughters like you. Count your Mom's blessings for her.
I may have already said it to you, but your mom sees you as the "rescuer". That's why you hear the sadness the most, and why she is at you to change things for her. You need to maintain an honesty with her that this is now where she lives, for her safety and because you can no longer care for her, and that you will be there to visit and love on her.
She may not ever be OK with this. She may require medication. And until the end of her life this may never be OK with her. Not everything can be fixed. The end of life is full of loss. Loss of hair and teeth and hearing and balance and continence and loved ones and finally the loss of our own minds. Sadly we live this long now. I am 81 and I hope to goodness I can avoid it by dying. If I cannot it is inevitable. But it would shatter me to think that my children suffered while I made my slow way down the inevitable losses to come. I do not want that for what should be some of the most free years of their own lives before they begin their slow downward trajectory.
My heart goes out to you. I hope, that like me, when you lose your beloved mom, you will be able to feel the peace of her no longer having to fear nor sustain more loss, no longer have to worry for her, fear for her, stand witness to the tragedy that is aging.
My heart out to you. Those who stand witness often suffer most in my humble opinion as a nurse. People with pain, with cancer, with illnesses are "busy with them", busy DEALING with them, and their families are left to stand only and observe, helpless to DO anything. It is a hard position to be in. Very.