She will say she's lonely yet when my children or grandchildren come over she's acts like their going to destroy everything they touch! ( Even toys that THEIR parents brought!) She'll want us to do things then she stands and try to micromanage everything! She can NEVER just BE. We sit on the porch on a nice day and instead of enjoying it she nit picks how the mowing was done and threatens to do it herself. I try to get away from her negativity some times and she FOLLOWS me...ugh, it's ALWAYS something, and she has started accusing people of stealing stuff like plastic glasses that were trash! She has gotten so bad that the family has started staying away. Then I feel guilty if I don't stop and listen to the same laundry list of stuff she wants done, but it's wearing me out! I'm at the end of my rope. But I love her and live in fear of her hurting herself. But at the same time she's emotionally hurting the very people who love her most. And she's gotten a cruel steak that I never knew she had! And oh, I almost forgot, she's started thinking that EVERYTHING is worth money so we can't get rid of it! I'm 54 with a bad heart condition, I'm truly scared that I'll go before she does because she's putting so much on me. My guilt stops me from saying enough, idk why? But something has got to give, what do I do?? Please help
It isn't your guilt stopping you, because there's nothing to be guilty about unless you STOLE HER PEARLS. Guilt requires an evil action and a refusal to fix harm you did with that action. That doesn't even apply. You are talking about cowardice and a refusal to defend your family against a tyrant. THAT is something to feel GUILTY ABOUT.
Undoubtedly this evil woman has trained you; time to reverse that training with a good therapist who will SHAKE YOU UP and get you off habits. A good daily listen to Dr. Laura's Call of the Day Podcast may let you know who deserves your loyalty and defense here; clue: it isn't mom.
It’s in M’s best interest to be ‘nicer’, and she deserves to hear it for her own sake.
live in fear
I'm truly scared
wearing me out!
guilt stops me
"What do I do??"
I would work to get your feelings undercontrol. Take a break. A long walk, a warm bath, listen to music.
Maybe a day-trip or even a mini-break somewhere.
Then consider finding a therapist to help find new ways to communicate with your Mother.
It may be Mother is communicating but not as you'd expect.
Eg Says she is lonely. Yet when children visit her behaviour shows she cannot cope with their activity & noise level of that age group.
Eg Nitpicking about the mowing. She may be angry she can't do it herself.
Eg Micromanage everything. Again, anger she can't do the thing herself.
Maybe once tempers have cooled, having a quiet chat with Mother may help you connect better.
Ask what she needs help with?
Maybe she is lonely, bored, depressed. Maybe she does have undiagnosed issues..? Or maybe she is feeling bossed around too?
When I go to see my parents, I imagine having an "invisible shield" around me and nothing they can do or say can affect me or penetrate - it just bounces off of me. I'd say a decent percentage of the time it works. It's my survival mechanism - I'll even make a joke of it with my sister.
You're living in fear and guilt - you've said it yourself - you'd better start putting yourself first and be your own best friend. Your mother's life is her own - you don't need to entertain her. And I believe at this stage in my life to be pretty direct...there's nothing wrong with you nicely explaining to your mother how negative she can sound, and it may lighten her mood and attract others to spend more time with her if she had a more positive attitude and conversation.
Try to do the opposite of what you normally do and how you react to her. I hope you lighten up on yourself - wishing you much peace ~
Your post just reminded me of something I read a while ago, about the term "Grumpy old Men" and why when you age you get so negative.
This article said that as people age the dopamine, chemical that keeps us happy depletes, and makes us miserable.
So maybe it will help to remember that, it's her brain, not the person she really was before the dopamine started declining
I suggest you do the same for your mother and get her into AL with attached Memory Care. Elders with dementia should not live alone, if that's the case, but in a safe environment where they're fed and have activities to distract them from all the complaining.
In the meantime, keep your visits brief and get going when the negativity ramps up. It's the best way to preserve a shaky relationship.
If so , Mom should really be in assisted living . Paranoia of people stealing stuff is common and means she has advanced to the point she is not safe to live alone and needs 24/7 supervision .
You should not live with Mom . Didn’t sound like you do since you said you feel bad if you “ don’t stop”.
For you to survive , you limit visits , make them short . Limit phone calls , let her calls go to voicemail . Call back when it’s a good time for you to do it . Not more than once a day , less if you need breaks .
Does anyone have POA ?
Tour some assisted livings . Make a short list of a few . Mom’s money is to pay for it and/or sell her home .
If Mom ends up in the hospital you can talk to the social worker about Mom can not be discharged to home because it’s an “ unsafe discharge “ , use those words . You tell them there is no one to take care of her , tell them you work ( even if you don’t ) . Don’t pick her up , they will promise help but it won’t be enough .
I called the County Area Agency of Aging to come out and see my mother who was alone in her home . They sent a social worker who determined my mother was not safe to live alone. The social worker asked my mother “ What would you do if…….?” questions . My mother was not able to “ come up with a plan “, or express “ how to execute a plan “.
This precipitated the ability to have my mother placed in assisted living . The social worker was willing to return with help to remove mom from the home and be placed in a facility I had chosen ( since Mom refused to tour any ). The social worker arranged date and time to place Mom in assisted living .
Turned out Mom ended up in the hospital before the day the social worker was to return . I then spoke to the social worker at the hospital who then contacted the social worker from the Agency of Aging . Mom was placed directly from the hospital to assisted living a few days later . I paid for an ambulette to take Mom ( using Moms money ) . If I had taken Mom to assisted living in my car she would have refused to get out of the car .