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I'm sorry. I wrote a very long story which did not show up. Mom does not live with me. That is never going to happen but leaves me feeling guilty. I am an only child. Right now my step-dad is caring for her but it is taking a toll on him. There really is not much wrong with her other than normal aches and pains that comes with aging. She just likes to be catered to, always has. My dad doted on her and so does my step-dad even though she is, and was, verbally and emotionally abusive. My father committed suicide when he was just 45 years old. I was 25. For two years my father called me everyday in tears because of something she said or did to him until he had enough. After the funeral, we returned to the house and my mother started pulling his clothes from the closet. Couldn't wait to get rid of him. Very rarely do I leave after a visit or a phone call with her without either being angry or in tears. She cannot go one visit without criticizing me or someone else. She is a body shamer. She will find any flaw you may have and criticize you. With me, my eyebrows are too dark and I have skin tags on my neck. I hold my breathe when an overweight person crosses her path because a comment is coming..."my, God. Look at her a**", or "why doesn't she do something about that?" She makes sure she speaks loud enough for them to hear. One Thanksgiving we were sitting around the table talking after dinner and she says to me, "do you remember in 6th grade when you wet your pants in school?" "Well, no I didn't mom but thanks for sharing" with my children, grandchildren husband, step-dad and my granddaughter's boyfriend. I cannot take care of her and the guilt is overwhelming. I'm sure people wonder why I am not caring for my mother, for God's sake. When I try to explain, they say, "she's just getting old." NO. She's been like this my entire life. I was married to a narcissist. It took me 15 years to recover after my divorce (actually a constant work in progress) to even like myself again. I refuse to allow myself to be put in that verbal, emotional and psychological environment again.
Lynn: You are not responsible for your mom's happiness. You might want to write that on a Post it and put in on your bathroom mirror, to be repeated 10 times every morning and evening.
It sounds as though your mom is terribly self-centered, if not mentally ill. NO ONE from the outside can make another person happy. Happy comes from within.
You are not responsible for caring for her, either. If you are a generous person (and it sounds like you are) as she gets older, you can help to arrange for her care, using HER resources. She won't be happy with whatever you set up, so think carefully before you do it. She can as well be unhappy with the care SHE sets up, or that the State sets up.
Also, I want you to read Atul Gawande's "On Being Mortal". It's about end of life planning and decisions. Also Roz Chast's "Can't we talk about something more pleasant?".
There are lots of threads about narcissistic parents on this site. You'll find them instructive, I think.
Lynn190, please try not to feel guilty. You don't deserve to foist that on yourself. With your mother's narcissism and the fact your ex was also, I think you've been trained or conditioned to cater those people. Try hard to reject that conditioning.
I've been abused by my two narc sisters since I left my home in another state to be my mom's live-in caregiver. They made my life hell. Thanks to this site and the reading I did saved my life or the very least my emotional health. I found sites on the Internet that wrote that the victim CANNOT win against a narc. The best you can do is avoid them as much as possible, present your comments in factual sentences then step away.
Good for you for deciding to not take on her caregiving. As Barb above wrote there are several narc threads on this site. Read them. Take them to heart.
I just checked Amazon.com and typed in "narcissism" books. The list of books is eye-watering. Please check your local library.
Since she seems to be in reasonable health and able to take care of herself (is that right?) with the abuse she's heaping on you, you can choose to step away...forever. No one deserves to be abused and insulted.
Lynn, her narcissism will only escalate more as she gets older and possibly even worse with alz or dementia. No guilt, no grief, no excuses....just live for what is left of your life and enjoy your grandchildren.
I chuckled over the dinner announcement, so thanks for the laughter. It doesn't happen often for me. Don't feet bad about your mom's feelings, you can't control her. I have learned the hard way that I can't control what comes out of my mom's mouth, but I can control how I deal with it.
Mountainmoose had the best advice, just ignore it and walk away. They will feed off of your anger, frustration, and comments. Just don't give it to them. I actually, get scientific sometimes when my mom makes comments.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Why is she living with you? Just on the face of it, having a narcissist live with you is not easy and generally not a good thing to agree to.
Very rarely do I leave after a visit or a phone call with her without either being angry or in tears. She cannot go one visit without criticizing me or someone else. She is a body shamer. She will find any flaw you may have and criticize you. With me, my eyebrows are too dark and I have skin tags on my neck. I hold my breathe when an overweight person crosses her path because a comment is coming..."my, God. Look at her a**", or "why doesn't she do something about that?" She makes sure she speaks loud enough for them to hear. One Thanksgiving we were sitting around the table talking after dinner and she says to me, "do you remember in 6th grade when you wet your pants in school?" "Well, no I didn't mom but thanks for sharing" with my children, grandchildren husband, step-dad and my granddaughter's boyfriend.
I cannot take care of her and the guilt is overwhelming. I'm sure people wonder why I am not caring for my mother, for God's sake. When I try to explain, they say, "she's just getting old." NO. She's been like this my entire life. I was married to a narcissist. It took me 15 years to recover after my divorce (actually a constant work in progress) to even like myself again. I refuse to allow myself to be put in that verbal, emotional and psychological environment again.
It sounds as though your mom is terribly self-centered, if not mentally ill. NO ONE from the outside can make another person happy. Happy comes from within.
You are not responsible for caring for her, either. If you are a generous person (and it sounds like you are) as she gets older, you can help to arrange for her care, using HER resources. She won't be happy with whatever you set up, so think carefully before you do it. She can as well be unhappy with the care SHE sets up, or that the State sets up.
Also, I want you to read Atul Gawande's "On Being Mortal". It's about end of life planning and decisions. Also Roz Chast's "Can't we talk about something more pleasant?".
There are lots of threads about narcissistic parents on this site. You'll find them instructive, I think.
Welcome!
I've been abused by my two narc sisters since I left my home in another state to be my mom's live-in caregiver. They made my life hell. Thanks to this site and the reading I did saved my life or the very least my emotional health. I found sites on the Internet that wrote that the victim CANNOT win against a narc. The best you can do is avoid them as much as possible, present your comments in factual sentences then step away.
Good for you for deciding to not take on her caregiving. As Barb above wrote there are several narc threads on this site. Read them. Take them to heart.
I just checked Amazon.com and typed in "narcissism" books. The list of books is eye-watering. Please check your local library.
Since she seems to be in reasonable health and able to take care of herself (is that right?) with the abuse she's heaping on you, you can choose to step away...forever. No one deserves to be abused and insulted.
I chuckled over the dinner announcement, so thanks for the laughter. It doesn't happen often for me. Don't feet bad about your mom's feelings, you can't control her. I have learned the hard way that I can't control what comes out of my mom's mouth, but I can control how I deal with it.
Mountainmoose had the best advice, just ignore it and walk away. They will feed off of your anger, frustration, and comments. Just don't give it to them. I actually, get scientific sometimes when my mom makes comments.