It's been hard being my mother's caregiver who has just given up. She won't try to move around, exercise, improve her situation a little. I'm burnt out. No family, help, nothing. I'm just tired of the negative energy all of the time and disrespect. It's always something. Never having time for me, don't know the last time I had a break or some good rest. Stuck and alone. Just want to chat.
It just wears you down - day after day of negativity and complaining. My nmom's biggest issue seems to be the basic unfairness of old age - I guess she was supposed to be immune to the health issues and aches and pains mere mortals get. She also insists I pay a lot of attention to one of her sisters with similar issues but I am just so burned out. DH lost his job due to covid and we have other issues going on but none of that matters because we're just supposed to be there as bottomless resources for mother.
I don't know how to quote in here but this: "He has had all sorts of travel as they didn't have to care for an elderly person. We hit 60 and I am afraid I will miss my opportunity to do the things in my life he got to do" is an issue for me too tengine. My mother had NINE brothers and sisters so she never had to lift a finger for her own parents, or even do much listening to them complain since we lived in another state when they were old. Yet she expects me to give up my entire life for her without a second thought, has this imagined ideal of what kind of childhood she allegedly gave me (mostly she ignored me when she wasn't letting my brother psychologically torture me) and yes I do need to enlist a therapist. I've been looking at them but all seem so expensive, and I know from experience anyone who doesn't know what NPD is will tell me to cut my mother off and not look back.
Maybe I should do that. Years ago nmom followed me when I tried to move to get away from her but it might not be as easy to do that now that she's old. But, spouse doesn't want to move and we're dependent on the industry where he has longterm contacts for job leads. Sigh.
No sibling help at all except one pays for his cell phone. I get to pay for everything else his SSI does not cover.
it's hard as dad has very nice accommodations, his own bathroom bedroom, and living room. Cable TV internet, all the trimmings.
I work at home so I had to give him my beautiful corner office in my home for his living room and I am in the dark basement to run my business.
I do all the cooking and shopping. He doesn't hate my food but never compliments it unless it's to his liking. I don't want him cooking as he burns the pans and make s a mess of the kitchen and is inattentive to what's on the stove. We have had a few close calls. I took his driving away from him as he is a danger to others and it's my car. his died and he has no money for another.
I feel guilty all the time that I keep him from his social life but I can't afford him to get covid. He was going out to dinner with his lady friend (who I do not like for a myriad of reasons) but they do not wear masks and were going out to restaurants and lying to me about it. We aren't going out much ourselves but he doesn't wash his hands, to begin with, and I have talked till I'm blue in the face about it. So I squashed him going out. Now I feel guilty when I go out. I have to get out with my wife or ill go insane.
Yesterday he asked for sushi again, I was getting it from the grocery store. So I got some, he asked if it was from a restaurant and I said yes, then he raved about it as it was so fresh..... yup, fast train to hell, I got it at the grocery store..... He will only compliment if something is expensive or hard to find. So I started saying if something is really good that it is just store brand.... or vice versa.... Kind of like putting cheap wine in an expensive bottle, 99% of people won't know the difference but they will tell you it is the best.
It's just hard because we have to clean up after him like a toddler and we have no privacy and no husband and wife time. We resorted to going away for a weekend or two but now I can't leave him alone as he is a fall risk (happened too many times every time we go out) and he has fallen out of bed.
I won't have a stranger in the house to watch after him and our children say they will help but when it comes time to help nothing. Although I have been there for my kids time and time again (it's what a parent does I guess).
This summer I have to put my foot down and tell my sibling they have to take dad for a couple of months, It's been 8 years and we have had about 3 vacations in all that time (a week at the lake)He has had all sorts of travel as they didn't have to care for an elderly person. We hit 60 and I am afraid I will miss my opportunity to do the things in my life he got to do. Aside from Mexico Canada and the Bahamas, I have never traveled outside the country. He's been to Europe the med and more.... I feel guilty and pissed off all at the same time... SO I feel your pain, take my advice that I don't do my own, find a way to give yourself a respite. In the past 11 years we have cared for 3 people in our family, 2 have passed. Being the youngest it has fallen all to us.
Can you get some help in during the week so you can have breaks 3-4 times a week?
My SIL cares for my MIL (she's the only one who MIL will allow in her home). She's fried---and as MIL will not allow anyone to help her and seems completely clueless that she's wearing her daughter OUT...it's a tough call.
My DH is POA. MIL does meet the requirements for him to legally step in and either have her removed to a NH or minimally, get her some help.
He is such a wimp, really. She gets mad at him and he caves, and we're right back to SIL doing too much. She's at MIL's on a daily basis. It's so sad and frustrating. I fully expect my MIL to outlive both my DH AND his older brother (who is not in the picture at all).
You need to advocate for yourself, as no one else is likely to do so.
Don't let this go too long or your bringing in help will be done in anger and you sure don't want that. FunkyGrandma had some good points--there are several ways you can go about getting help--using mom's funds being the obvious one, and if she doesn't have the money, reaching out to Medicaid.
Good Luck--CG for someone who isn't nice is really brutal.