SnoopyLove Posted September 2022
NYT: Basically, caregiving ruins your life!
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The latest New Old Age article by Paula Span in the New York Times talks about what we see here on the forum all the time: people quitting their jobs to become caregivers and falling off an economic cliff:
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/09/04/science/elderly-work-caregiving.html
(If you are unable to view this article because you have already read your quota of free New York Times articles for the month-- I'm not sure how many they are offering these days--try accessing it on another computer/device and/or Googling the name of the article, "The Quiet Cost of Family Caregiving".)
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So--he and his whole family suffered financially--he needs to retire, his health is so bad, but they cannot afford for him to do so. Ever.
Mom passed last week and within 2 hrs of her body being removed by the mortuary, he was purging the apartment of EVERYTHING. Just frantically throwing away everything that wasn't labeled to go to someone. It was a little horrifying to watch. He didn't wait for a single other family member to help. I went up within 24 hrs of mom's passing (the next morning) and he had been up all night long filling boxes and bags.
OK--yes, this is a form of grief, but it did cause some bad feelings. We talked to his wife and she got him to level out, but it was rough for a bit. A lot of stuff is simply gone.
He was NEVER 'designated' as the Primary CG, he wouldn't ALLOW the rest of us to do for mom. I did point out to him that he was no longer her POA and needed to let the executor work this out, but he blew up and said "This is MY house and I will do what I want."
Now the place is 99% empty, the funeral and all that is done and he is slowly calming down. It's like he had to erase mom's presence completely. (Also totally normal.)
I'm hoping he takes the advice of the grief counselor and gets some therapy. He really needs it.
I would never sugarcoat the enormity of caring for someone else, 24/7. Mom wasn't ever mean or bitter, but she was hard, at times to deal with. Just like all of us.
Dad lived nearly 4 years in MC and Mom lived with me and benefited from some community medicare offerings from the state, such as Adult Day Care. At the time of her death, we were in process of moving her to an AL/MC near me because her spinal stenosis had limited her ability to assist in transfers and I couldn't do them alone but then she died. To my surprise there was some money remaining which was split equally between my brothers and myself.
I think in many cases the surviving spouse doesn't want to give up the home or the children want something from the parents, at least initially. Only after things have gotten bad are we willing to look at reality. Forced sales do not bring nearly as much money as market sales.
I took time off work when I was dealing with guardianship issues and getting my Mom settled, then I worked a couple of years after she came to live with me, left the work force when she fell lost mobility, and retired on my own disability shortly before mom's death. I'm lucky in that I made a good income in the 40 years I worked and saved 10-25% over the last 25 years. I had a paid for home and was able to support myself during the brief income lapses from savings. But my parents were able to sustain their own expenses by the fruits of their lifetime of hard work and sacrifice and the planning to use medicare resources when their money gave out.
I helped an older couple stay in their home while being able to add on to their home and meet medical expenses with a reverse mortgage. Not an option I would usually recommend but it worked for them.
Most time there is a way, but we have to be able to accept our parents may have to give up their home sooner than they wanted or may need to have a roommate in their new care setting. It is not what anyone wanted and it's hard on everyone.
Sums it up.
(I understand for some people, it’s a wonderful experience. It all depends on how long it was, how many years, the timing…Are you in the prime of your life when you should be getting married, having children, building your career, your dreams: aka living!) (Are you retired and had plans?) (Do you feel your life’s being sacrificed?) (Did you gladly volunteer to help? Or were you forced by the situation to help? “Volunteered” by others? Pushed by others to be sacrificed?)
(Was your LO grateful? Horrible to you? Abusive? How many emergencies? How stressful? Was ALL the stress dumped only on YOUR shoulders?).
For me, it sums it up:
“Caregiving ruins your life”
At first, Dana Guthrie thought she could help care for her parents, whose health had begun to decline, and still hold onto her job administering a busy dental practice in Plant City, Fla.
“It was a great-paying job and I didn’t want to lose it,” Ms. Guthrie, 59, recalled recently. So she tried shifting to a four-day schedule, working evenings to keep up with the office demands, and she began spending a few nights a week at her parents’ home instead of her own nearby.
Ultimately, though, her mother’s liver disease progressed and her father was diagnosed with dementia. The family learned that the cost of hiring home aides for two ailing 82-year-olds exceeded even a middle-class retirement income and savings. “They really needed me,” Ms. Guthrie said. In 2016, she left her job “and moved in full time.”
After Ms. Guthrie’s parents died, she relocated to Radcliff, Ky., where her sister lives. She found positions at dental practices there but has never matched the compatibility or the salary of the job she left in Florida.
Currently unemployed, Ms. Guthrie has been interviewing for jobs and wondering whether she will ever be able to retire, although she doesn’t regret the sacrifices she made to care for her parents.
“We were a close-knit family and I would do it again,” she said. “But I took a beating, emotionally and financially, and I haven’t really been able to recover.”
Life begins again. Maybe not the way we originally planned and maybe not all the things we planned. Maybe something new we hadn't planned on at all (I took in a couple of foster sons). We need to be flexible and embrace what life offers "afterwards". Our road is difficult and no one really "plans" to walk it, but it can be survived with some good times during the journey and many more afterwards.
I don't have some of the anger many caregivers have about the changes to their lives caregiving "forced" on them, I think because I actively choose to care for my parents. I didn't know or appreciate all that would entail but when things got bad I would tell myself I choose to be here and I would not abandon my parents just because things were more difficult than I expected. Others have experienced a lot more difficulty than me and they survived. You can also.
As mostly women are becoming caregivers and especially silent generation still expecting daughters to take care of them, often, all alone. And it could be 10 years average not 2 if I read the right article. A woman who has career and give it up, and making over $50,000 to 100,000 annually could lose over million and contribution to pension.
Parents or partners should consider how to mitigate losses.
In case of spouses too, leaving job at 50s to take care of husband and making good salary, plus contribution in Canada to CPP, Canada Pension Plan and RRSP, registered retirement savings leaves somebody with 10 years average with 20,000 a year contribution to RRSP and pension plan reduction of 60%, as person can take reduced by 40% at 60 but not contributing maximum years will reduce pension further 20%, so total approximately 200,000 + interest, and 80,000 less in pension. I wonder how many will be impoverished and unable to retire in comfort.