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The state worker from Adult Protection Services came by and told my mother that when I left she would have to go the nursing home. Both of us wanted her to stay in the home but I must work and will not be there all the time. She has one caregiver who comes in 2-3 days a week but next week will out of time. I was laid off from my job in Dec. but unemployment benefits will soon run out as in the 3rd week in April. I will HAVE to work somewhere. I hate that my mother refuses to be cooperative with the state. She does not want us in her finances so we could possibly hire another person so that takes care of that. So it is in her best interests to be placed in a nursing home since I am the only child and would am an only child and there is not any oneelse to come. I am praying that she will go on her own in her mind.

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Butterfly, you are doing the best that you can in the face of an uncooperative elder. Does your mom have dementia? Is that why she can't see the need for someone to be able to manage her finances?

Good luck with your job search; you will be able to visit mom with a clean conscience and a lighter heart, knowing that she's safe.
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Thank you Bablou. It is the best decision. Adult Protection Services were at the home to evaluate her. They will make the final decision. Her doctor has said she needs 24 hour care. So if she goes to the nursing home, I will have a clear conscience that I did all that I could to help her.
(5)
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And yes Babalou, she does have dementia
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You are doing the right thing!!! ((((((hugs))))))
(6)
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Thank you so much.
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Butterfly, I am glad the APS is there to support what you need to do. I know that you are doing the right thing, because you have to pay your expenses and live. I hope your mother will settle in fast and maybe enjoy her new home. I know it will be nice to be able to visit her, instead of worrying about all the extra things that go with being a caregiver with an outside job. I hope you find a job you love.
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Thank you so much JessieBelle. It is so much love here. I am eternally grateful.
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I dont envy you, I know it must be so hard. My day is coming with that very thing. Please keep us posted. :) Hang in there.
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Butterfly, assisted living places are a lot nicer than nursing homes. You should check them out. After you find a wonderful place, show your mother, it may be a nice compromise. My mom's apartment was beautiful and we furnished it with her own things. They took way better care of her than she was getting at home with a 24 hour staff. However, you need to be included in her finances, because she has dementia and you are her only child. You can use the money from the sale of her house to pay for her new apartment. You're in a tough spot, but don't worry because you are headed in the right direction, there's only so much one person can do!
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My dad lives alone, 100 miles away from me. He's 89. I'll be 60 this year, and just can't do the drive any more. He has an aide, but alone on weekends, which is when I visit twice or more/month. I visited 3 assisted living places this weekend. I'll visit more to compare. Most near me also have "Memory Care" areas. Butterfly, do check these out. You will have peace of mind, less stress, and can begin a life for yourself again. Good luck!
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Butterfly, does mom have other medical conditions other than dementia? Dementia by itself does not require a nursing home until it advances to the last stages. Is her doctor a geriatrician? Look at memory care facilities, have mom evaluated and be honest with the places you look. They are the experts in determining whether their facility and level of care is appropriate for her. And stop referring to the facility as a nursing home if that is not what it is. Memory care is assisted living, but secure with staff specially trained in caring for those with dementia.
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There are many nice places to consider for your mom and you shouldn't feel guilty. Your mom is lucky to have you -- even if she doesn't or can't recognize that. My parents had dementia and fought hard to stay independent, well past the safety zone. Especially with dementia, being in a place where she can interact and get familiar with it now, will serve her well as the disease progresses.

I've had to move mom twice to get her into a place better suited to her needs. After the first move, I got to see how happy she was to be in a smaller, more manageable environment. Having things to do is a benefit of moving her out of the home. Best wishes on your journey.
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this is a difficult decision and filled with doubts and guilt. But the most important thing is for your mom to be safe and cared for. You need to also take care of yourself and you must be under a lot of pressure due to your job situation (I know, been there). Did the state evaluate her and say that she definitely needs a nursing home placement?I believe the evaluation tool is called a PRO, It should tell what kind of care she needs. I would visit as many places as you can and then choose the top three or four. Also ask your friends if they have any experience with facilities in your area. If you can, get a power of attorney for your mother. It sounds like that might be difficult. I am glad her doctor is on board and supporting you and the APS decision. You are doing the right thing..just hang in there. It isn't easy but many of us have been in your situation and you have our support.
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I had to do this in Dec.its a very hard thing to .But you must be strong for your mom just make sure u go on different times and different daysthat way it keeps the facility on their toes they never know when you're going to walk inbest of luck to you
(3)
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We had to do this a few months ago with our mom. Logically we knew it was best for her, emotionally we felt guilty. We placed her in Assisted Living and she is getting better care than in her own home or mine. That said, no matter where she is, she is unhappy. With caregiving responsibilities being handled by others, we children are back to having mother/adult child visits. As others suggested, assisted living is a great option. You need to take care of yourself as well....and try to feel less guilty about it. Easier said than done. Good luck!
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I paid out of pocket for my husbands "rent" in a home. Nursing home was 6000 a month, the assisted living dementia unit was 3500 for a private room. If you have time, check a few places.... I got the price info over the phone. I wish you well. Not easy to do but something that has to be done for the health and safety and sanity of all people involved.
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I don't think any children of elderly parents ever see a parent off to a nursing home without some regret or guilt. Unfortunately, as adults with lives of our own, taking care of an elder is a lot of work, and at some point most of them do eventually reside in a nursing home. At least she will get the care she needs, and a social atmosphere with her peers. I work in a nursing home, and constantly remind the bitter residents that they should be proud to have lived this long in life, and to find enjoyment in the time with they spend with visitors and family. You have done all you can, and just find solace in knowing that your time together will not be wasted doing errands, or providing tedious cares and you can enjoy each others company!
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You are lucky people are backing you up. My mom is in ALF because she can't walk, and needs help toileting dressing. No dimentia but the dr keeps telling me she should be home. im way overwhelmed. After 18 months of this I always wish I wasn't here now
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I am being faced with this same dilemma. I am the only one of 4 kids who is doing what needs to be done because everyone else is in denial even though her neurologist said she was in the severe stage of dementia with alzheimers and delirium. Mom is insistent that she live at home but it isn't possible anymore. I work and have 2 teenagers - no room for mom as we are using every inch of our home. The doctor gave me 3 months to "do the right thing". I'm checking out all of them.
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Assisted living is not covered by Medicaid. You need to know how much money she has and how much the house will sell for. Talk to the state employee to see how u can go about a POA with the state of mind ur Mom is in.
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Joann is right, all the assisted living that I visited were not able to accept Medicaid. There was one that had the AL wing connected to the memory care wing, and they would accept M.A. but only if you could prove your assets would cover 3 years of the memory care rate (even if you were staying in AL at first)--they would not accept new residents who only had M.A., or less than 3 yrs self-pay. I feel that is really the only reasonable way these sacred places can stay in business. If they only had M.A. patients they simply wouldn't have enough coming in to pay all the workers. Best wishes on your continuing challenges. Put your Self first.
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These decisions are hard and I pray you have peace of mind through this process . My mom needs to go but refuses and she doesn't have dementia she still has a good mind her body is just wore out. There has got to be light at the end of the tunnel we have to just keep walking.
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Butterfly, try a group home. My experience has been wonderful and the stress is much lower knowing that my loved one is in a place with loving, skilled, caring caregivers. Six people living in the home, 24/7 care with one or two people there at all times. Please give this a try. AL and NH are all understaffed and really don't care about their residents. I'm talking about management and most of the caregivers, not all. But, in a group home, your mom will be taken care of as if she is in someone's home, not an institution. Adult Protective Services should know of group homes in your area. Of course, check them out first. An honorable, trusted owner will allow you to visit and also for your mom to visit and stay for a week.
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Who has POA of her and her finances. Since mom does not want you in her finances is she able to understand that if she hires you to take care of her it could be a good arrangement and she can stay in the house. Good luck with everything
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When and if my mom stops taking her meds, I will have to make the nursing home decision. Her ALZ is getting worse, but she is managing well enough to stay in the retirement home. But so far they have said they don't help with meds. No nurse on staff, not planning to get one. I don't feel able to go over there twice a day, but I'll have to see that she takes her meds. And I will.
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