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Hi Jkl2018, Sorry for the delay. I have been hoping that psuskind1 would post what I wrote as I can't find that post. But I can give you some of the points about guilt that helped me.
One important thing is to distinguish between true and false guilt. True guilt is felt when we have done something wrong.
You are doing nothing wrong. You are not a horrible daughter. You are looking after your mother to the best of your ability. And you are not perfect - none of us are. We all lose it some times, or wish we didn't have to do what we are doing etc. That's just being human.
False guilt is felt when we don't live up the the unrealistic expectations of others or of ourselves, We need to be easier on ourselves and know that taking care of ourselves is at least as as important as taking care of someone else.
Also we may feel we are responsible for the feelings/actions of others and feel guilty when they are not happy or behaving well. However, no one is responsible for the feelings or actions of others.
Cut yourself some slack, give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done, and, above all, #1 rule for caregivers - look after yourself. Sounds like you need some time out, some "me" time. See what you can arrange to give yourself more breaks than you are getting now. There were times I lived near the end of ,my patience and I am a very patient person, and I was not doing hands on caregiving. Together with your brother look to the future and see if it is realistic for both of you to care for your mother to the end. Some can and some can't. If you can't it's OK and you are not horrible. There are facilities and medicare if needed.
I like this saying :
When you say 'Yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'No' to yourself. – Paulo Coelho.
Here's a big ((((((((((hug))))))) from me. Your mother is fortunate to have such a caring daughter and son.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
One important thing is to distinguish between true and false guilt. True guilt is felt when we have done something wrong.
You are doing nothing wrong. You are not a horrible daughter. You are looking after your mother to the best of your ability. And you are not perfect - none of us are. We all lose it some times, or wish we didn't have to do what we are doing etc. That's just being human.
False guilt is felt when we don't live up the the unrealistic expectations of others or of ourselves, We need to be easier on ourselves and know that taking care of ourselves is at least as as important as taking care of someone else.
Also we may feel we are responsible for the feelings/actions of others and feel guilty when they are not happy or behaving well. However, no one is responsible for the feelings or actions of others.
Cut yourself some slack, give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done, and, above all, #1 rule for caregivers - look after yourself. Sounds like you need some time out, some "me" time. See what you can arrange to give yourself more breaks than you are getting now. There were times I lived near the end of ,my patience and I am a very patient person, and I was not doing hands on caregiving. Together with your brother look to the future and see if it is realistic for both of you to care for your mother to the end. Some can and some can't. If you can't it's OK and you are not horrible. There are facilities and medicare if needed.
I like this saying :
When you say 'Yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'No' to yourself. – Paulo Coelho.
Here's a big ((((((((((hug))))))) from me. Your mother is fortunate to have such a caring daughter and son.