Thanks to everyone for your responses! I haven't responded sooner because I wanted time to let things soak in and right time to update.
My mom did spend a week with C! Huge step I feel. It was a much needed break and my husband and I actually got away for a overnight vacation. I realized how stress free I felt! Then when returning home, reality hit again per phone call. But I also felt stronger and good about setting some boundries.
Since then the virus situation has kept Mom more confined to her home and isolated. She's called me 2 days in row about somethings needing done. I know it's loneliness and wants to socialize and they are not just a quick visit . I told her yesterday I would not be coming over today unless emergent. I need to tend to things at home myself and don't want the expectation to develop that I'm coming every day. She wants to stay in her own home, and this is what happens when not in same town as me.
Thanks again for your responses and support! I actually feel for the first time someone understands and gets what I'm saying!
I think your mom not living in your town is better for you. If she was living near you, the expectation would be that you come over everyday at any hour since you're so close.
Stay FIRM with your boundaries. Mom wants to stay in her home, fine, but that doesn't mean you have to come running to her home everyday for everything. You have a home, a family, and yourself to take care of FIRST.
Only help as much as you can without sacrificing your family and yourself. If that means 1 or 2 visits a week then so be it. If you can't take her to doctor's appointments often, then only schedule them when you can go. If mom wants your help, she must comply with your schedule and time, not the other way around.
It’s wonderful that you are setting boundaries.
Any expectations from your sibs that you are 100% responsible for Mum's comfort & jump to their commands are unreastic & demand to be challenged.
We do not know what's coming in the next few weeks. Maybe decide now a safe location for your Mother if she cannot stay home.
Decide for yourself how often you will help mom out; once a week?
Tell her that you have a new schedule and that you are freeing up 3-4 hours on (pick a day of the week) to be with her. Any tasks she needs to accomplish need to fit into your time frame, whether it's errands, doc appointments or haircuts.
If she needs more help than that, she needs to hire someone to help out. Someone who needs more help than that is not "independent" and is trying to force you to prop up a "charade of independence".
"No mom, I can't possibly do that" is what you need to be able to say and mean it.
It sounds like you have been dancing not only to your mother's tune but also to C's. And both C and E have had the luxury of doing very little for their mother because you step up.
As long as you keep stepping up, nothing will change. Most people don't change unless they have to. And faced with changing or losing something they value, most people will adapt to change however grudgingly.
Set those boundries. It becomes easier. I gave my Mom a day a week. Grocery shopping, running errands, lunch out.
I started with the idea to help but I didn't have the whole picture - just a narrow view of the next appointment, shopping trip, & calls to rush over etc.
Through councelling, 3 or so Doctors & this forum I was helped to see the wider picture & 2 things leaped out;
#1 the independance was a farce
#2 others controlled the situation.
I grew some legs & jumped out of that pot.
Each family & situation is different of course, but basically I had to *quit* to free myself. I used her own sentences back at her. You said you want to live alone. Ok. So you will need to organise XYZ to be done. I can't do that anymore. Here are some suggestions. Over & over with each topic, food, cooking, cleaning, appointments, transport, bills. Handing back the responsibility to her. Also letting her know (kindly) that if all these things are being a bother, maybe she'd like someone else to arrange them. Drum roll.... That person is your POA.