What to do before things get bad...
Just reading the post where the person is asking about how to find out where Dads LTC insurance policy could be with.
As parents its up to us to tell our children where all our important papers are. Its not a question of privacy, its making life easier for your children when you are no longer able to give them that info.
My Mom had a drawer she kept all that stuff in but I asked her to put everything in a pouch she had and put it in her Hutch cabinet. So if needed, I could just grab the pouch. Funny thing though, she did do it but when I went to get it it wasn't there. When asked where it was, she said "behind the door". By this time she was in the early stage of Dementia. Behind the door was the front door. She thought that would be easier for me, problem was she never told me she moved it.
My one daughter is aware where the bank book is and copies of our bills for 2 years. (the year we are in and the year before) I have a file cabinet with all our important stuff in it.
I never understood that when someone assigns a POA that a copy is not given to the person assigned. It does the principle no good to have it and maybe lose it. I was with my Mom when she assigned me and we got one copy. I didn't realize until later how dumb that is. I have my nephews original in my file now.
We have read it here how parents are stubborn and so afraid they will lose their independence if they give their children any of this information. But if they don't, not only is it hard on the kids but without, lets say knowing who has POA, it can mean the State stepping in and doing your care. Because, you didn't tell someone where the Will is, where the POA is, no excess to bank accts, ect.
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Not only is it important to let people know where all this stuff is, DO NOT put it in a safe deposit box. No one can access the box without the paperwork inside that box, so it's pointless to put it in there.
Not only is it important to do these things before the crisis, deal with all this paperwork LONG before you expect the crisis. My husband and I are only 60 and in perfectly fine health, but two years ago we created the trust, wills, advance medical directives, and durable powers of attorney. Our 25-year-old son already has all those documents in hand and knows exactly what to do with them.
We did all this because my folks didn't set up any of those things until they were 85 years old, because my dad didn't trust lawyers (having NEVER used one) and I think he thought the job would be overwhelming. He was pleasantly surprised to find out that the attorney did the bulk of the work.
We really dodged a bullet, too, because my mother went in the hospital the day of the first appointment with the attorney, and that began her journey with dementia. My dad died after a six-week illness just three years later, and fortunately, when Dad got sick, that attorney of theirs advised them to resign from their trust immediately to allow me to take over their affairs without any hiccups. Thank goodness they did while Dad was still able to give me all the information I needed. Now Mom is dying, and I'm able to access all the money I need to deal with her final arrangements. (No, they never set that up in advance, but it's OK.)
I would also advise that when one is setting up all these documents and telling the family where they are, that they also go to their financial institutions and fill out their power of attorney paperwork. Banks don't like your POA, no matter how airtight it is. They want to use theirs only, so if you have a bank or investment accounts, do their paperwork now rather than later. It goes much more smoothly if you, the grantor of that power of attorney, is standing there in front of them willingly giving it.
When my dad moved to assisted living and I sold his house I needed a copy of his trust. I had a copy of his amendment to the trust but not the original trust. The lawyer who had set it up had since retired and they had to find boxes in the old archives to find a copy. It was a mess but had a good ending because they were able to find it. Can't even imagine what would have happened if it was actually lost. That was when I started getting everything together and letting my kids know where every everything was and how to access it. Just having it in the house doesn't help if the person needing it isn't at the house.
Its like they don't think they will ever die or admit they will. Maybe your friend should tell them if they have nothing in place, then the State will take over. Because of HIPPA it hard for family to get involved if Mom or Dad is out of it.
It is very sad when parents don’t inform their children of the location of necessary documents that are needed to proceed in moving forward.
He has yelled at me that his medical stuff is private and he wants to just enjoy life, not ever talk about "it"...( Dementia).
He will probably blow a gasket if I go ahead to draw up Durable POA.
What do I do about his complex business dealings, our finances and making any plans for the future if he denies there is any problem and the doctors will not be able to tell me anything!
Right now we are in a normal feeling lull but it may not last long I'm afraid.
Should I go behind his back to prepare for a DPOA? I'm just at a loss. He still says things like in 7 or 8 years we will go here or there...
Living in limbo.....
In my case, my mom has made it very clear who takes care of what. I hold the medical POA for my mom since I live closest to her. One sister hold the financial POA and has copies of her bills and financial institution info, In addition, mom has almost all of her bills on autopay. Lastly, my other sister, is the executor of mom's will. Mom has all her financial info in the front of her filing cabinet. She also has an "emergency notebook" with info about doctors, insurance, medical/surgical history and current medications. She keeps this on a shelf in her bathroom with a note on the door to EMS to check that shelf.
I too went with him to the lawyer's office when he did his POA, however I wasn't allowed to have a copy of it at the time. I also have no idea if he did a Will either.
What my father did give me was a Xerox copy of the POA that he ran off on a copy machine that no bank, credit card, insurance company or any other institution accepts and a hand-written list of phone numbers to call should he die that were out of service.
The secretiveness of the elderly... smh... My father didn't even have dementia.
They don't care what kind of a mess they leave their adult children in that we have to take responsibility for. So long as their vanity and the image of "independence" is supported at all times.
That's one good thing my mother actually did. I've seen all of her papers and they are kept in a folder and there won't be any surprises.
It's terrible to find yourself flying blind in this kind of mess. I know because my father left me in ding exactly that. Flying blind in a mess.
Well, you won't be left entirely flying blind. You're legally married to your husband so are his next of kin. You will be able to make decisions for him when he no longer can. It will be a lot harder for you because he won't allow anything official like POA which will make both of your lives a lot easier.
Also, scan all the documents and keep digital files so you can email them when requested.
I have made up a document for my brother that lists all of my accounts and contact information for each. A separate password document has all my passwords so he can access my digital accounts.
She also made an entire list and updated it every year while doing her end of year close outs so it became her routine. It included her mortgage info - he financial advisor name and number - her annuity contacts and acct numbers - her time share information - the attorney names and number who drew up her documents - along with any other little information of bills/debt etc. So at the end of every year she would give me a new sheet to put in my envelope with my copies.
What I have learned here is to make sure you have your banking institutions POA done up (as many have their own and we did not know this) - as that did delay me and took more time while running back and forth from ICU and several trips just to get that straight to be able to pay her bills (including her health insurance which you want to make sure gets paid first)!
She always was open and told me where to find stuff on her computer but always made sure I had a yearly updated copy and I cannot tell you how much help that was in the midst of a crisis.
I understand some are not that close to their children or do not trust them etc but it’s important to have one person that you can trust and as hard as it may be for some to think they are giving over their personal information and giving up privacy - it really does benefit all parties involved (you and whomever your choosing to trust) to be able to make the best decisions for you as well as protect you and them from the high stress that a major illness does bring.
I have followed Moms lead in making a few trusted people aware and having things written down all on one sheet to bring some relief to anyone places in this situation.