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So often I see posts that start "how do I stop feeling guilty"---and it hits me in the gut that so many of us are being held in place by 'guilt' or perceived 'guilt' when what we really feel is, what? Sadness at not being able to fix everything? Depression b/c we have to be 'tough' with cranky, sick seniors? Frustration b/c we can't change the inevitable?


Yesterday my SIL, Dr. Joe said "Man, I feel so guilty all the time. I just do not have enough hours in the day to care for my patients the way I want to."


This is a guy who works 10 hrs a day at the hospital, then another 4-6 at home, re-reading charts and making personal patient phone calls. He's the super doctor you hear about but don't believe exists. He has NOTHING about which to feel guilty!


I asked him why 'guilty' was the word he chose, when in fact, he is the LEAST guilty person I know. I said "Joe, GUILT isn't what you're feeling! What other words really describes how you feel as regards your patient care? Guilt will eat you up!"


We ended up having a really good conversation about how much he wants to make a difference in the world (and believe me, he IS) but he's impatient with the hospital and the rules, etc. We talked about the negativity of the feeling of guilty--we aren't saints and we aren't perfect, but we also aren't therefore guilty of anything--unless we've done something wrong. I asked him specifically about the patient he went to visit late the night of Thanksgiving. She was being a total pain to the nurses, they called him, he talked to this woman, and got nowhere. So he got up (about 11:30 pm) dressed and went back to the hospital where he spent a couple of hours talking to her about her need to be compliant in ALL THINGS or she could not be listed for a Liver Transplant. Upshot? She said "so what's the worst thing that will happen if I put off these tests for a few weeks?" He said, "Well, you are going to die." She wouldn't talk to him after that, so he went home, discouraged an no doubt feeling 'guilty'. She died the next day.


He brought that up and I said "Hon, you HAVE to let go of that. She was in fulminant liver failure and even IF you'd had an appropriate match on FRIDAY she wouldn't have been in line. YOU aren't GUILTY b/c she died. 50 years of solid alcoholism did that."


I guess he's never thought of that, really.


I totally get where he's coming from. And he has truly sick people he cares for. If you're seeing HIM, you're sick. You're actually probably dying. So the 'guilt' of not being able to save every patient is simply not possible.


Same with those of us who are caring for LO's. We do the best we can, yet the 'G' word creeps into our vocab. I've done stupid or even truly 'bad' things and for those I will save the word 'guilty'. I'm going to try to eliminate it from my vocab--and my SIL will continue this discussion another day, I'm sure.


Sorry for the overlong post. I spent a lovely Sunday with my daughter and her family & I so dearly love this SIL.


So--what words can we replace 'guilt' with?

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I appreciate your words on this, you’re very correct about the commonness of the guilt posts. What I mostly believe it comes from is sadness, sad it can’t be better or fixed, sad there are real limits on strength to deal with it, sad to see a once vital person becoming someone else entirely, sad to accept what’s inevitably coming. We could all give ourselves some slack and realize it’s beneficial to drop the guilt
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We'd have to get rid of the feeling of failure, of not doing enough rather than replace a word. Looking at the synonyms for guilt, one would be self-accusing of guilt, wrongdoing, criminality... In general, thinking of oneself in those terms helps no one and only weakens us.

I just browsed an article on guilt and found this quote by Susan Forward, Ph.D., a noted therapist: "Guilt is an essential part of being a feeling, responsible person. It’s a tool of the conscience."

Caregivers are responsible people who FEEL deeply. But we have to be realistic about how much we can do. We can't make people accept help, can't make them take care, speak up, or advocate for themselves. We can't - do a lot.

Another word comes to mind: modesty. Webster's defines it as “awareness of one’s limitations; absence of any undue self-confidence; lacking in vanity or conceit,” meaning “a limited and not an exaggerated estimate of one’s abilities or worth.”

I appreciate that term - we find an honest balance between too much and too little. So, let's change our mindset, stop feeling guilty and simply be modest as we continue caring for ourselves and others.
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Sometimes people have guilt when they're caring for an elderly parent not because they want to do a better job or even because the even care all that much. Not because they can't change the inevitable, or because they regret having to be tough with them. These aren't always the reasons for guilt.
Many times the guilt comes from being conditioned from childhood to always feel guilty if mom or dad is hurt or displeased in some way. Even if it had absolutely nothing to do with us, it's always our fault in some way and we deserve the abuse we get. Then the cycle of guilt starts all over again.
Many times when someone is the caregiver to an abusive parent who is now elderly and needy, the guilt comes from not being able to fake a loving and caring relationship that was never there to begin with. The guilt also comes from the regret that we will never have our parent's approval or the healthy, loving relationships parents are supposed to have with their kids.
I think the word that should replace 'Guilt' should be 'Forgive' as in forgive ourselves for not being what everyone thinks we should be or what they need us to be.
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Alva always tells us that the word, in many situations, is GRIEF. Such a 💡 moment for me when I read it the first time.

Today, I went to my mother’s MC. She was in a tizzy, as usual, walking back and forth out of her room, to ask the caregivers the same question over and over. There are no longer visits, per se. She just keeps leaving, stuck in her loop.

She had begged and begged, ad nauseum, for an alarm clock. I finally gave in, and got her one. One day later, and today, I found it busted apart, in her quest to figure out this dumb little analog ⏰.

Didn’t say goodbye. Just walked out of the room, in her usual loop, in search of a caregiver to ask the SAME question. Again. Sigh.

I walked out to my car, defeated. By this long, long GRIEF.

Double sigh.
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Emotions are so difficult to express.
Empty
Loss
Frightened
Disappointed
Anger
And Grief as mentioned..
There are so many emotions that can replace "Guilty".
It could be one of the ones I listed or more than one of them. Or all of them.
For some reason if you say you are "angry" at mom for asking you to help and you say you can't. Anger seems mean so it is acceptable to say you feel "guilty" for not being able to help mom.
"I am at a loss as what to do, I can not do this by myself any more" and we turn it and say "I feel guilty that I can not do this by myself"

Since most of the caregivers are women we have been "trained" from an early age to be the caregiver, the one that heals, there is a sense of "failure" when we can not fulfill that role. The "failure" is then linked to guilt.

I have always said if at the end of the day you can honestly say that you did the best you could do given the information you had then you can go to bed and sleep well.
If you are "guilty" sleeping well is not possible.
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I don’t know if I can replace guilt. At the very least, I try to understand it and validate it.

Right now my father is in the hospital after suffering a possible life-altering brain bleed. He will need extensive rehabilitation and recovery. My mother is not able to handle the long hours at his bedside, nor navigating a big scary city. Hospital policy during covid is restricting to 2 visitors only, and they must always be the same 2 people. That leaves me as the main care provider.

I have small children at home, will have to take a leave at work, am staying at my cousin’s house to be nearer the hospital, trying not to be a burden to her, and feel guilty every time I am late to my father’s side, and every time I leave him, because I know that I ease his suffering. I know that my presence comforts him. I feel guilty when I take it away. It doesn’t matter that there are visitation hours, and I have to adhere to them. I feel guilty being away from my small children, as they miss me terribly, and I try to read stories over the phone and hear about their day, but it’s not the same, and they need me, too. My husband needs me, too.

I think guilt has a very useful purpose. Part of healing is recognizing WHY we feel the guilt to begin with, and validating those feelings to understand where we’re going by where we’ve been and what we’ve experienced.
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Guilt suggests we are doing something wrong. Many of us have been trained to feel it's our job to ensure that our mothers or fathers are happy & content all the time; when they aren't, we're trained to feel as though it's our fault they're not. That we're responsible to fix it, to make it better, to make it right for them.

No matter what word we use to replace 'guilt' with, we'll still be trained to feel badly when our parents aren't feeling good. We'll still feel the need to jump thru the fiery hoops to fix what's broken and until we do, we'll be blamed for whatever is broken in their lives. Or, we'll blame ourselves for not having done enough to ensure their happiness.

I like what Ravensdottir said the best: We'd have to get rid of the feeling of failure, of not doing enough rather than replace a word. #truth right there.
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how about these..
You feel anxious every time you are late to the bedside. And the same when you leave. And possibly frightened, is he going to be the same? worse? better? when you get there.
You feel sad and maybe empty being away from your children. And possibly the same feelings being away from your husband.

You have no reason to feel guilty.
You are possibly frightened at the prospect of what comes next.
Will dad make it out of the hospital? What will he do, what will mom do? Will she be able to care for him when and if he comes home? What is going to happen with mom, who is going to care for her?
And I am sure this is not a subject you want to bring up with mom right now as she is feeling Lost, Frightened, Anger, Grief.....
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Guilt is a word that's used almost exclusively in this forum to describe someone's emotion for not doing enough, or having second thoughts for doing something (placing a LO in a care facility, for example), or a hundred other questionable actions on their part. Unless you actually are responsible for doing harm to someone, or violating the law in some way, a better choice of words would be regret. “I shouldn't have done that”, or “Please forgive me”, are expressions of regret. Regret can mean wishing we could undo a previous choice. Dr. Joe has no control over the time he has to care for his patients (unless he wants to make house calls). He can't blame himself. He regrets he has no more time.
It's easy to say, but if there's nothing you can do to change the situation, let it go. Remorse may be more closely associated with guilt, but I don't think remorse applies to your post either.
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Guilt: the fact of having committed a specified or implied offence or crime.

So, yeah, it's hardly EVER that.

Regret: feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that one has done or failed to do).

Compassion: sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

So sort of a combo of compassion+regret fits imho.

Wonder how many 'guilt trippers' out there are Enneagram personality type 2??
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Sometimes guilt is the correct word because that is exactly what we feel and in our own minds we HAVE committed an offence.
-we sometimes acted in anger or frustration
-we worry that we have made poor choices
-we didn't live up to past promises
-we failed in a commitment to ourselves or others to see it through
-we didn't live up to cultural or religious expectations that were important to us

I think that those posting about their guilt need help to understand why their guilt is misplaced so they can move beyond it.
(7)
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Such great comments!

I was 'raised' by guilt--daily, even after marrying and leaving home, I felt 'guilt' for not being a better wife, mom, whatever....

Words are powerful and changing one word for another, then internalizing it--has helped me over time.

I feel 'sorry' for a mother who can't be happy.
I feel 'anger' for a relative who molested me.
I feel 'sadness' for a friend or neighbor who went through something rough and I could have helped, but didn't.

I agree--guilt is necessary for us to feel when we have truly done wrong. Otherwise we won't change and be better people.
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I think regret is really what people feel. People wish they could do more or be more or change things and regret that they can’t.
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I think “guilty” is the right word but I think the guilt comes from the resentment we are ashamed of feeling…and that is the thing we are guilty of. Feeling resentment for something we’ve been conditioned to believe is our duty. Something that we believe we should be honored to do. But when those resentful thoughts creep in, we feel guilty for thinking and feeling them. I just can’t think of another word that fits.
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Sorrow
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I think we feel responsible for everything, when we really aren't. We don't have enough control over others, over people's health, over fate, over time, over life. All we can do is pick a few tiny things we can try to control at a time, like doing laundry and feeding someone, and feel responsible for that. When you take care of someone, you have to accept that you can't control everything and that's perfectly OK.
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Thank you so much for your words. Words are so important and I feel that
'Burnout' 'Overload' and 'Resistance to accepting what is' are more accurate
than 'Guilty'. 'Guilty' implies self-blame, often for something way beyond
our control.
When caring for a loved one-or more than one- its so important to somehow allow ourselves time and inner space to care for ourselves in whatever creative ways we can.
Most of us need to nurture and heal ourselves; and to find ways to do this I know is essential, especially when caring for others.
I recommend watching Dr Gabor Mate on youtube -he has very helpful things
to say about healing.
I greatly appreciate your message, Midkid 58.
I cared for a beloved friend who recently died, and your words have really
touched me. Thank you- Tashi
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Inadequate
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I have just finished reading all responses to your post
and want to say how great they all are. I have saved
you post and all responses to print out and reread in
future. Such wisdom, honesty and clarity.
Sending love to all of us-
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Loss. Loss for what we think of as family, a specific period of time, or what never was but we believe could have been possible. Peace of mind.
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overly responsible

frustrated

disappointed with outcomes
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Human, torn, ambivalent, inadequate, overwhelmed, diligent, hopeless, loyal, frustrated, lonely, isolated...I agree the guilt is due to the feelings of resentment and fatigue and hopelessness we have. I believe some philosophers say to allow the feelings to express themselves within us and go through and out. They are normal and fit the situation.
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Overwhelmed
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This is a great topic, because if we get past guilt as a catch-all, we can articulate our feelings and better communicate.

So many posts are about the struggle to balance dynamically changing and increasing elder care with personal and family needs against a backdrop of family members, who are varying levels of support or pain or absence.

When I read these posts, I see “guilt” as the melting pot for frustration, helplessness, conflicted emotions, ambivalence/uncertainty. I think guilt comes with (from?) resentment, but resentment might be self-preservation in disguise - at least it makes it bubble to the surface.

Unfortunately, as you wrote, guilt implies self-imposed blame when the caregivers here are just trying to survive (never mind thrive) in a strange new world of aged and dying.
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I think failure might be a substitute for guilty. We can't fix our loved one, no matter what we say or do. I sometimes thought maybe I should have paid less attention to my mom and stepmom, and I would have noticed his decline sooner.
But, I didn't, and it is what it is.
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I think that as family members we feel a sense of obligation to do all we can for family, especially for our elderly, ailing LOs. Sometimes it’s convenient and rather easy, but often it’s most inconvenient and burdensome. That doesn’t keep us from doing what must be done, but it certainly adds stress to an already complicated situation. We feel guilt when we don’t attain self imposed goals. One can only do what one can do given the particular situation. Creating unattainable goals merely sets us up for disappointment and feelings of failure. Self care is crucial and must also be a priority! We must assess our situation often (as it’s ever changing), develop a realistic plan, and work to make it a reality with grace and love in our hearts. Our LOs know at some level that we ARE there and we DO care-irregardless if anyone should lose their temper in a given moment or say something inappropriate at some point. Ask for forgiveness should you have a weak moment and extend forgiveness knowing our LO, esp. those experiencing dementia or AZ, have many more weak moments than strong ones. Dealing with the situation is tough on us, but be thankful you’re not walking in their shoes! Treat folks as you’d wish to be treated and know you’re doing a beautiful thing! God bless-
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I feel sadness, not guilt, at losing my dear husband moments at a time. He has dementia and when I remember how he once was, which shows itself every once in a while, probably more than that, I feel longing for once was. I am going to refuse to feel guilt.
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"SAD, Frustrated, worried, disappointed."
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Words, or choice of words, does not change the feeling. And guilt ... or hyper responsibility and unwarranted obligation ... are the closest I can come to the "feeling". It's a very human emotion and does not change whatever you call it.
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I feel guilty because I could do more, but then I would be miserable and I'd like to enjoy what I have left of my life before I wind up like my mom.

I feel guilty now and I'll feel guilty after she dies, but I would feel worse if I moved her into my home and took care of her when I'm off and paid caregivers while at work and went broke.

I think trapped is a better word for me, but all of these responses are great. Thanks for the original post. Very helpful, making me think about what is really going on and whether it is really guilt and if I'm doing the right thing.
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