So often I see posts that start "how do I stop feeling guilty"---and it hits me in the gut that so many of us are being held in place by 'guilt' or perceived 'guilt' when what we really feel is, what? Sadness at not being able to fix everything? Depression b/c we have to be 'tough' with cranky, sick seniors? Frustration b/c we can't change the inevitable?
Yesterday my SIL, Dr. Joe said "Man, I feel so guilty all the time. I just do not have enough hours in the day to care for my patients the way I want to."
This is a guy who works 10 hrs a day at the hospital, then another 4-6 at home, re-reading charts and making personal patient phone calls. He's the super doctor you hear about but don't believe exists. He has NOTHING about which to feel guilty!
I asked him why 'guilty' was the word he chose, when in fact, he is the LEAST guilty person I know. I said "Joe, GUILT isn't what you're feeling! What other words really describes how you feel as regards your patient care? Guilt will eat you up!"
We ended up having a really good conversation about how much he wants to make a difference in the world (and believe me, he IS) but he's impatient with the hospital and the rules, etc. We talked about the negativity of the feeling of guilty--we aren't saints and we aren't perfect, but we also aren't therefore guilty of anything--unless we've done something wrong. I asked him specifically about the patient he went to visit late the night of Thanksgiving. She was being a total pain to the nurses, they called him, he talked to this woman, and got nowhere. So he got up (about 11:30 pm) dressed and went back to the hospital where he spent a couple of hours talking to her about her need to be compliant in ALL THINGS or she could not be listed for a Liver Transplant. Upshot? She said "so what's the worst thing that will happen if I put off these tests for a few weeks?" He said, "Well, you are going to die." She wouldn't talk to him after that, so he went home, discouraged an no doubt feeling 'guilty'. She died the next day.
He brought that up and I said "Hon, you HAVE to let go of that. She was in fulminant liver failure and even IF you'd had an appropriate match on FRIDAY she wouldn't have been in line. YOU aren't GUILTY b/c she died. 50 years of solid alcoholism did that."
I guess he's never thought of that, really.
I totally get where he's coming from. And he has truly sick people he cares for. If you're seeing HIM, you're sick. You're actually probably dying. So the 'guilt' of not being able to save every patient is simply not possible.
Same with those of us who are caring for LO's. We do the best we can, yet the 'G' word creeps into our vocab. I've done stupid or even truly 'bad' things and for those I will save the word 'guilty'. I'm going to try to eliminate it from my vocab--and my SIL will continue this discussion another day, I'm sure.
Sorry for the overlong post. I spent a lovely Sunday with my daughter and her family & I so dearly love this SIL.
So--what words can we replace 'guilt' with?
I have worked hard to grieve in a healthy manner. Thank you for asking this question and letting me sound off!
Those who teach us about mourning tell us that we often subconsciously use the word guilt which implies something could have been done. It might have gone differently. In most cases there is not a lot that can be done, and the endings of some situations such as this are inevitable. But to recognize it is GRIEF takes it completely out of our control, suggests we could fix it, and if it happens again there is something we can do to prevent it.
Grief recognizes that we have lost something/someone. That there is nothing to do now but "walk through the shadow..." with whatever support we can find to cling on to until we heal.
So my replacement word is GRIEF.
Responsibility can feel positive; guilt feels negative. When you feel guilt, remind yourself how well you are handling the responsibility.
I believe it has to do with:
1) parental messaging from being born to the first five years of life (and definitely the first two years when imprinting happens).
2) Low self-esteem (due to #1)
3) Needing to 'sit' with the feelings and follow them (Focusing technique). I studied / led people on inner journeys using this method).
4) Sitting with it and seeing what is underneath.
5) # 4, first ask: what is underneath this feeling?
6) Feelings transform if we are present with them and allow them to 'tell us' / 'talk to us' - they will tell us what we need to know.
7) Awareness to shift automatic associations with what we feel by taking the time to be with the feelings, then re-name without the judgment attached. For instance, if I were feeling guilty, I would say (to myself) "I did the best I could in that moment" and shift to self-compassion.
8) It is a continuum. The first step is being aware and learning to feel self-compassion, re-programing our self , our responses. Guilt and our associations with our behavior is like mercury. (or is it . . . ) No, it is more like a magnet. It wants to stay together - any change in our awareness, consciousness, desires / decisions takes a lot of conscious work to 'pull it apart'
IMPORTANT (to me !) I realized at one point that some feelings I had 'were not allowed to be expressed' so I immediately associated them as negative. However, as I explored my feelings, by honoring them and the information they were telling me, I realized that all my feelings are not only valid, they provide me needed information to grow - by healing - and to become the person I want to be. It is an ongoing process (for me).
Gena / Touch Matters
Some models say to consider "curiosity" - as a way to move in and thru.
I feel horrible at how I treated / responded to my mother decades ago (at various times). We do the best we can in the moment. We are (I was) wounded and hurt and reacted accordingly, like a child needing her mother . . . which I did (need). I had to learn to be-come my own mother, loving myself unconditionally. It definitely was a long process that started with a moment of awareness.
Gena / Touch Matters
You know-- put your oxygen mask on first and then help your child.
We all feel some feeling (guilt, sadness, responsibility, grief), and really we are all doing ENOUGH.
I am the only sibling of three who lives close enough and is capable of making sure our mother is okay. I'm doing enough.
That doesn't resolve the sadness and worry; but I do try to take care of myself. So that I can take care of mom. (And she is in a very nice facility and has lots of help.)
Perhaps he's frustrated that he doesn't have a large enough/strong enough team to address patients' needs to the extent he would like.
Depression b/c we have to be 'tough' with cranky, sick seniors?
Perhaps he's feeling demoralized or unappreciated because the people he's working to assist are in too much pain and discomfort to offer him encouragement, support, and gratitude.
Frustration b/c we can't change the inevitable?
Perhaps frustration that the science isn't at the point where he can enable his patients to return to a quality of life that would bring them joy and fulfillment again.
He could also be feeling a form of survivor's guilt that he has the capacity to return to his home, to his loved ones, when his patients are struggling.
I hope he knows that it's okay to die. I hope he knows how to discern when it's okay to focus on the peace of the person passing, and when it's okay to shift from "health care" to "compassion care." I hope he's able to find peace at the end of each day. I hope he's able to hold those patients in his heart, and in the hands of the universe, or their loved ones. And I hope he realized that the care he provides is outstanding, and makes a true difference in the lives of others. His work matters; he matters; his own health matters, and his patients are more grateful than they are capable of verbalizing.
Maybe there is actually nothing we could have done differently. Possibly nobody could have. Logical people, on hindsight, realize when such is the case.
Regret is a good word. Maybe we could have done something different, and supposedly better, but didn't know what or how at the time. (I've actually apologized to a departed loved-one in such a case, silly as it sounds, but somehow it made me feel better.)
Maybe our work/family/health situation or state of mind, beyond our control, actually prevented us from doing what might have been better. And that's assuming we KNOW what would have been better...could we really predict everything? It's like "Monday-morning-quarterbacking" ourselves.
For some people "guilt" is simply a learned response, a FEELING they are taught to experience from an early age. This is likely to follow a person for a life-time and may take professional counseling to ease.
In any case, what's over is over. Sometimes we are actually more forgiving of others than we are of ourselves. We should not expect perfection of others nor of ourselves.
In caring for elders, no matter how well we do the job and how hard we work...our loved one will decline....that is inevitable.
Instead of guilt - frustration feels right to me - that I can't change or fix something that is not working.
If I use the word 'guilt', then I am placing the problem inside of me. It's not.
I hate it when that thought comes to my head. It makes me feel selfish and awful. And guilty. I wish I could eliminate that thought