Sorry for the rhetorical question, but I truly need to vent!
I call my mother twice a day, every day. (I know!! Please no criticism! I'm trying my best to be comforting during quarantine!)
This morning as usual, my Mom was complaining about everything.
I suggested she get in her scooter and take a spin around her building.
Somehow she twisted that into a lecture! I explained it was a suggestion and it might do her good to get out of her room. She hung up on me.
I bit the bullet and called her this evening.
I told her we needed to talk. I tried to explain my frustration that she isn't willing to do anything to help herself. I brought up the fact that she is unwilling to take antidepressants or seek counseling. I told her that while I try to listen to every complaint, I am only human and have a lot of my own issues that I am dealing with. I told her that I am not her therapist. I am her daughter!!
I told her that I don't know what to talk to her about, because how are you, meals, weather, what are you up to, the facility are all off limits.
Her response was that I am "b**chy" and "then don't call me "!
While I understand that the quarantine has been so hard on her, I can't wrap my head around how a Mother could be so cruel to her daughter that has been dealing with cancer and had major spine surgery 2 weeks ago. Which is just the tip of the iceberg.
I doubt it will sink in that right now she needs me more than I need her, but I will not call her!
The old adage "You can't help someone that won't help themselves " is totally true!
It breaks my heart to feel it will be a relief when she passes.
Before you judge me for my statement, she has been miserable for as long as I can remember. And despite my best efforts, I have never been able to make her happy or contented!
I am human and I am over it!
God bless all of us that are giving all, and getting garbage in return!!
Our rewards will come later!!
Chris is on point!!
I was calling NM twice a day when the lockdown happened.
It got to the point that I just couldn't take the negativity any longer. I have had way too much on my plate and my health was and still is suffering.
After I posted this, Mom and I didn't speak for 3 weeks. She finally called me, but no apology!
She said "I think you've made me pay long enough!" Ugh!!
I set boundaries! I told her that we should only talk a few times a week. Maybe then we'll have more pleasant things to talk about.
That worked for a few weeks, but now she has started calling me everyday! I have started ignoring the calls and let it go to voice mail. If it's emergent, she'll leave a message.
I found my therapist by Googling one that specializes in NPD.
You're feelings matter!! The quality of your life matters!!
Surround yourself with other females that are caring and nurturing, because you're most likely never gonna get it from Mom.
My Mom is in the throws of seeking another living situation. I know she is going to expect my husband and me to help her move.
I don't agree with her decision!!
My therapist has told me that I need to put this all back on Mom.
"I'm glad you found a place. Who have you hired to move you?" Etc..
It's not going to be easy!!
We all have such similar stories!
Keep us posted!
Hang in there! (((Hugs)))
You are so right; our thanx will come from somewhere else
Thank you!!
Hellebore,
As Chris stated, there is tons of helpful information!! I have watched a lot of YouTube videos on dealing with NM.
One thing I found poignant, is when the "target " of a narcissist starts setting boundaries and the narcissist can no longer bait them and feed their need for conflict, they will move on to someone else!
Food for thought!(pardon the pun)lol
Made some calls one day this week to find a therapist but unfortunately spouse lost his job of 17 years due to covid and they're all more than I can pay right now. I'm thinking of trying betterhelp.com, anyone know if they deal with cluster B disorders? I'll also try Youtube, thanks so much for the suggestion.
Had to see mom yesterday at a group of which we're both members and much to my surprise she didn't try to confront me or act like nothing at all happened, which is usually her stock response in front of people. I gave her some cookies and cupcakes which I had brought for the group for Valentines Day but I get the sense she's feeling sorry for herself today - because she feels sorry for herself every day, and just now she posted some passive-aggressive BS on her Facebook page to the effect that other people need to take care of their own mental problems, etc. (This is one of her favorite tactics, the passive aggressive Facebook post. I really, really need to unfollow her and set all my list so she can't see what I post because she's on that website night and day instead of doing the work of packing her house out.)
I'm sure she's feeling extra sorry for herself that it's Valentines and I didn't send flowers or a card, but I *did* send treats also to my aunt who is as self absorbed as Mom. I also didn't call but spouse and I have been running around all day getting the yard ready for a major ice storm coming tonight and I'm sure that's not even on Mom's radar, the idea that DH and I might have concerns or work of our own to do that isn't entirely centered around her.
Honestly I really hadn't realized how bad this has gotten until I took a break from it. I'm not quite sure what to do next. I'm not planning on not ever speaking to Mom again or anything but I really cannot let her self absorbed behavior take over my life. I think I need to write a set of goals for what I want out of my relationship with her and then do whatever I can to achieve that.
A book that's really helped me lately, I may have already posted this: "Children of the Aging Self Absorbed" by Nina Brown. Brown points out that self absorbed people cannot be satisfied and there's always going to be some problem or complaint, no matter what we as their caretaking children do or say. That's honestly giving me a little peace, because I am going to have to stop trying so hard to make mom happy.
xrayjo, will your mom get in the car and come over if you keep ignoring her? I suspect mine will, and soon she'll start enlisting other people we both know to 'find ways to solve my problems,' because of course it's all *my* fault that there are issues in our relationship right? 🙄
No! She no longer has a car.
She depends on me to bring her the things that her ALF doesn't provide.
As of present, I am in the process of printing off all the forms she needs to do her taxes.
It wouldn't be so difficult if the post office still had the necessary forms available.
I am also try to schedule an appointment with the CPA that did my Aunts taxes last year. I am still dealing with so many issues for my Aunt!
You would think that a "normal mom" would recognize when child is in distress, however, I have learned that's not the case!
So what are we left with?
We are left with the realization that we have to overcome our disdain!
We have to be the "bigger person "
We have to bite our tongue in order to keep the peace !
But most of all, we have to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror every day and feel comfortable with our decisions!
Just hang in there!!
(((Hugs)))
I apologize if I sound like a broken record, but despite my cancer, severe neck pain, broken foot and spine surgery , all my Mom can think about is her issues!
To add insult to injury, what ever I'm going thru, she's having the same symptoms! It not only negates my feelings, it out right makes me nuts!!!
3 times I have completely lost my cool and begged her to "just be my mother "!
It falls on deaf ears!!
Hellebore,
Therapy has been a huge help for me to understand and learn how to deal with Moms behavior. After describing Moms behaviors, she totally validated what I have suspected. My Mom is a narcissist!
You are not responsible for Moms happiness!! Nor is she responsible for your happiness!!
So do what you can for her, but more importantly, do what you need to do to make yourself happy!!😘
Exactly!!!
If it's not all about them, they aren't interested!
I haven't talked to her in about ten days now and honestly it's been heavenly. I think I will just have to go for a lower priced therapist because I am going to have to deal with Mom sooner or later and I need to get my (stuff) together. But I ask myself - what would she do if I died? She'd find some other people to help her, and that's what she can do now that I'm going to make myself less available.
My NM actually posted my cancer diagnosis on FB before I even had a chance to tell my kids!
I know she did it to get attention for herself! Poor me!! I'm so stressed that my daughter has cancer!
Although I didn't call her out on it, I will never forgive her for causing a firestorm in one of the worst moments of my life!
She would never understand my ire! After all, if it's not ALL ABOUT HER, she doesn't think at all!
That is a horrible thing for your mom to do!
My husband recently finished his radiation treatments for his prostate cancer.
He told me not to tell anyone else about his cancer because he was afraid it would be plastered all over Facebook!
My husband is a private guy and would never want his personal health broadcast on Facebook, so I totally get how you feel.
I respected my husband and didn’t tell anyone at first which became very difficult for me. I needed support because I love my husband.
He told me that he didn’t mind me discussing it on the forum. So I did talk about it here.
Later on he told me that he was okay with me telling my best friend. I told her. She does have Facebook but promised me that she wouldn’t post anything about it.
When my now deceased MIL (an only child), was struggling with her non Hodgkin’s lymphoma, her narc mom was horrendously crazy!
She told people that her daughter was lying about having cancer to get attention!
Who in the world is crazy enough to be jealous of their daughter’s cancer? That’s insane!
I got so angry at my husband’s grandmother! My MIL was a wonderfully kind woman.
As if she could ‘fake’ going bald from chemotherapy, lose weight by throwing up so much and not eating a lot, etc. She even spent time in M.D. Anderson for treatment of her cancer. She was in remission for five years but sadly her cancer came back with a vengeance. She died at 68.
My MIL used to pray that God would take her mom before her dad. Her dad was kind. Wouldn’t you know, her dad died first.
It’s unreal how far people go with their narc behavior, or any other mental disorder.
The inside joke in the family was that my husband’s grandmother came home from a party tipsy one night and that is how her ‘only’ child was conceived because his grandmother certainly wasn’t an affectionate woman!
You have enough on your plate between having cancer and spine surgery. Don't add more when there's nothing you can do about it.
So don't bring more on yourself.
If your mother wants to spend her days wallowing in her own misery and complaining then let her. Only don't let her drag you down with her by being her whipping post to take her frustrations and anger out on.
You can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink. If your mother won't help herself or accept any good help that's offered, then let it be as it is.
You will never be able to please her and she will never be satisfied no matter how much you do for her. My guess is that her cruelty towards you is nothing new. She probably treated you like this your whole life and you probably spent your whole life trying to get validation from her. It will never happen and you will never get it. Put some distance between you and your mother. Do it for yourself.