When your narcissistic LO tells you not to call them!

If she says don't call her then don't.

You have enough on your plate between having cancer and spine surgery. Don't add more when there's nothing you can do about it.
So don't bring more on yourself.
If your mother wants to spend her days wallowing in her own misery and complaining then let her. Only don't let her drag you down with her by being her whipping post to take her frustrations and anger out on.
You can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink. If your mother won't help herself or accept any good help that's offered, then let it be as it is.
You will never be able to please her and she will never be satisfied no matter how much you do for her. My guess is that her cruelty towards you is nothing new. She probably treated you like this your whole life and you probably spent your whole life trying to get validation from her. It will never happen and you will never get it. Put some distance between you and your mother. Do it for yourself.

Jodi,

That is a horrible thing for your mom to do!

My husband recently finished his radiation treatments for his prostate cancer.

He told me not to tell anyone else about his cancer because he was afraid it would be plastered all over Facebook!

My husband is a private guy and would never want his personal health broadcast on Facebook, so I totally get how you feel.

I respected my husband and didn’t tell anyone at first which became very difficult for me. I needed support because I love my husband.

He told me that he didn’t mind me discussing it on the forum. So I did talk about it here.

Later on he told me that he was okay with me telling my best friend. I told her. She does have Facebook but promised me that she wouldn’t post anything about it.

When my now deceased MIL (an only child), was struggling with her non Hodgkin’s lymphoma, her narc mom was horrendously crazy!

She told people that her daughter was lying about having cancer to get attention!

Who in the world is crazy enough to be jealous of their daughter’s cancer? That’s insane!

I got so angry at my husband’s grandmother! My MIL was a wonderfully kind woman.

As if she could ‘fake’ going bald from chemotherapy, lose weight by throwing up so much and not eating a lot, etc. She even spent time in M.D. Anderson for treatment of her cancer. She was in remission for five years but sadly her cancer came back with a vengeance. She died at 68.

My MIL used to pray that God would take her mom before her dad. Her dad was kind. Wouldn’t you know, her dad died first.

It’s unreal how far people go with their narc behavior, or any other mental disorder.

The inside joke in the family was that my husband’s grandmother came home from a party tipsy one night and that is how her ‘only’ child was conceived because his grandmother certainly wasn’t an affectionate woman!

Hellebore ,

My NM actually posted my cancer diagnosis on FB before I even had a chance to tell my kids!

I know she did it to get attention for herself! Poor me!! I'm so stressed that my daughter has cancer!

Although I didn't call her out on it, I will never forgive her for causing a firestorm in one of the worst moments of my life!

She would never understand my ire! After all, if it's not ALL ABOUT HER, she doesn't think at all!

Mine actually does make a bit of a fuss over any of my health issues. But honestly I suspect sometimes it's so I can be incapacitated and let her do things *for* me since she loves to run things. Also a lot of the time no matter what it is it's all quickly worst case scenario because Mom is scared of so many things. It's just another thing that really exhausts me - constant fear and negativity.

I haven't talked to her in about ten days now and honestly it's been heavenly. I think I will just have to go for a lower priced therapist because I am going to have to deal with Mom sooner or later and I need to get my (stuff) together. But I ask myself - what would she do if I died? She'd find some other people to help her, and that's what she can do now that I'm going to make myself less available.

(double post, sorry)

Chris,

Exactly!!!

If it's not all about them, they aren't interested!

Jodi, these NMs don’t have a caring gene in their body. When I got my fibromyalgia diagnosis, and my doctor gave me some information sheets on the condition and ways to ease the symptoms, I showed my mother, thinking it was easier than trying to explain the condition. She just wasn’t interested. She put it on a table for a few hours and when she judged that would have been long enough to read it she gave it back to me, without any comment at all. I expected her to behave that way but it still hurts. When I had fibro flare ups last year and could barely walk at times, she behaved as though I was being a nuisance. Again, it is the lack of validation of your situation. I think had it been a terminal illness her only thought would have been “how will this affect me?”. They are just not capable of any feeling. It’s best to accept this and move forward with this knowledge, putting your own self care first as they will make no concessions for you.

Amen Chris!!!

I apologize if I sound like a broken record, but despite my cancer, severe neck pain, broken foot and spine surgery , all my Mom can think about is her issues!

To add insult to injury, what ever I'm going thru, she's having the same symptoms! It not only negates my feelings, it out right makes me nuts!!!

3 times I have completely lost my cool and begged her to "just be my mother "!

It falls on deaf ears!!

Hellebore,

Therapy has been a huge help for me to understand and learn how to deal with Moms behavior. After describing Moms behaviors, she totally validated what I have suspected. My Mom is a narcissist!

You are not responsible for Moms happiness!! Nor is she responsible for your happiness!!

So do what you can for her, but more importantly, do what you need to do to make yourself happy!!😘

Hellebore, “I get the sense she's feeling sorry for herself today - because she feels sorry for herself every day” - great logic!

Hellebore,

No! She no longer has a car.

She depends on me to bring her the things that her ALF doesn't provide.

As of present, I am in the process of printing off all the forms she needs to do her taxes.

It wouldn't be so difficult if the post office still had the necessary forms available.

I am also try to schedule an appointment with the CPA that did my Aunts taxes last year. I am still dealing with so many issues for my Aunt!

You would think that a "normal mom" would recognize when child is in distress, however, I have learned that's not the case!

So what are we left with?

We are left with the realization that we have to overcome our disdain!
We have to be the "bigger person "
We have to bite our tongue in order to keep the peace !

But most of all, we have to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror every day and feel comfortable with our decisions!

Just hang in there!!
(((Hugs)))

Thanks so much for the kind remarks everyone. I really appreciate it. Have been meaning to write for a couple of days but have been a little busy with some projects so this'll be a longer post, I apologize in advance!!

Made some calls one day this week to find a therapist but unfortunately spouse lost his job of 17 years due to covid and they're all more than I can pay right now. I'm thinking of trying betterhelp.com, anyone know if they deal with cluster B disorders? I'll also try Youtube, thanks so much for the suggestion.

Had to see mom yesterday at a group of which we're both members and much to my surprise she didn't try to confront me or act like nothing at all happened, which is usually her stock response in front of people. I gave her some cookies and cupcakes which I had brought for the group for Valentines Day but I get the sense she's feeling sorry for herself today - because she feels sorry for herself every day, and just now she posted some passive-aggressive BS on her Facebook page to the effect that other people need to take care of their own mental problems, etc. (This is one of her favorite tactics, the passive aggressive Facebook post. I really, really need to unfollow her and set all my list so she can't see what I post because she's on that website night and day instead of doing the work of packing her house out.)

I'm sure she's feeling extra sorry for herself that it's Valentines and I didn't send flowers or a card, but I *did* send treats also to my aunt who is as self absorbed as Mom. I also didn't call but spouse and I have been running around all day getting the yard ready for a major ice storm coming tonight and I'm sure that's not even on Mom's radar, the idea that DH and I might have concerns or work of our own to do that isn't entirely centered around her.

Honestly I really hadn't realized how bad this has gotten until I took a break from it. I'm not quite sure what to do next. I'm not planning on not ever speaking to Mom again or anything but I really cannot let her self absorbed behavior take over my life. I think I need to write a set of goals for what I want out of my relationship with her and then do whatever I can to achieve that.

A book that's really helped me lately, I may have already posted this: "Children of the Aging Self Absorbed" by Nina Brown. Brown points out that self absorbed people cannot be satisfied and there's always going to be some problem or complaint, no matter what we as their caretaking children do or say. That's honestly giving me a little peace, because I am going to have to stop trying so hard to make mom happy.

xrayjo, will your mom get in the car and come over if you keep ignoring her? I suspect mine will, and soon she'll start enlisting other people we both know to 'find ways to solve my problems,' because of course it's all *my* fault that there are issues in our relationship right? 🙄

Bevel2,

Thank you!!

Hellebore,

As Chris stated, there is tons of helpful information!! I have watched a lot of YouTube videos on dealing with NM.

One thing I found poignant, is when the "target " of a narcissist starts setting boundaries and the narcissist can no longer bait them and feed their need for conflict, they will move on to someone else!

Food for thought!(pardon the pun)lol

Hellebore, I understand what you’re saying about getting grief from others when your mother has painted you as the villain. It’s difficult dealing with that. My experience is that mostly people haven’t actually said something to me, but their behaviour towards me changes as they’re comparing what they’ve been told with what they actually see. It sounds crazy and paranoid but that’s what NMs do to you. If people do criticise, you could challenge this. Ask them why they feel this way. The answer will probably be the lies they’ve been told. You could perhaps suggest you, they and your mother chat about this together so that the real truth will come out. If they are busybodies I would want to tell them to mind their own business, but I do think it would be more satisfying to suggest you both meet up with your mum so she is confronted by her own lies. She will probably kick up a fuss but at least the other person might see what’s really going on and be more sympathetic towards you. Dealing with an NM can be very isolating, and you need as much support and insight as you can get. Yes, I’m in the UK and unfortunately for us we are in lockdown so cannot have in person counselling or therapy at the moment. There is however a wealth of free information online, which I’ve found really useful, and which might help you. It might help to make a short list of some of the main topics before you do a search: eg dealing with narcissism, setting boundaries, taking care of yourself when caring for others. Once you start reading this stuff it will almost certainly throw up other issues that you might not know you’ve been dealing with until now, and that will help you build up a bigger picture of how to deal with things. I’m really sorry to hear you’re struggling with the job situation and how this plus your mum are affecting your health. I do think that if you can start to check out some of this information online, you will be starting to take back control of something in your life, and that will make you feel a bit stronger. And don’t forget there are some very supportive people on this Forum who identify with your problems.

God Bless You!... for even just saying "I am human"! So many of us are giving, giving, giving... and still get garbage.
You are so right; our thanx will come from somewhere else

Hellebore,

Chris is on point!!

I was calling NM twice a day when the lockdown happened.
It got to the point that I just couldn't take the negativity any longer. I have had way too much on my plate and my health was and still is suffering.

After I posted this, Mom and I didn't speak for 3 weeks. She finally called me, but no apology!
She said "I think you've made me pay long enough!" Ugh!!
I set boundaries! I told her that we should only talk a few times a week. Maybe then we'll have more pleasant things to talk about.
That worked for a few weeks, but now she has started calling me everyday! I have started ignoring the calls and let it go to voice mail. If it's emergent, she'll leave a message.

I found my therapist by Googling one that specializes in NPD.

You're feelings matter!! The quality of your life matters!!

Surround yourself with other females that are caring and nurturing, because you're most likely never gonna get it from Mom.

My Mom is in the throws of seeking another living situation. I know she is going to expect my husband and me to help her move.
I don't agree with her decision!!
My therapist has told me that I need to put this all back on Mom.
"I'm glad you found a place. Who have you hired to move you?" Etc..

It's not going to be easy!!

We all have such similar stories!
Keep us posted!

Hang in there! (((Hugs)))

Thank you Chriscat, I agree. I'm just not going to do this any more. Mom is not incapacitated. There are other people in her life she can call to complain to. Just now she sent me a message to the effect that she needs to borrow something of mine to complete a household task. You know what? Call somebody else.

I was already depressed over this long before covid honestly (another factor: Mom has an elderly sister who's easily just as manipulative if not more so than Mom herself, both of them expect me to sit for hours and listen to their problems.) Now that we're going on months with spouse out of a job and no end in sight for economic improvement or even being able to go out to the movies, I'm getting a little worried about myself mentally. I should have called to find a therapist today but I sort of don't know where to start to find a counselor who can help with something like this. Maybe my local council on aging could help. (Sounds like you may be in the UK, here in the US a council on aging just means a local group which is funded by government and charity which helps the public find resources for older people.)

>>You’re getting stressed about it as you’ve been conditioned to solve all of her

>>problems. You don’t have to live amongst that mess but if she wants to, fine. If

>>not, she can hire someone to clear it for her.

You're so right. Part of the issue is she keeps pleading poverty and telling me how poor she is - probably so I'll pay for the people to clean it out and/or come over there to clean it out myself. But it simply is not my fault that she retired at 52, failed to save money or make any plans at all other than counting on me to work at her care full time. Luckily I figured out how manipulative Mom can be a long time ago so I'm probably not as susceptible to it as some people might be, but it isn't what I'd call enjoyable.

The hardest thing, overall is probably pushback from other people who don't see her manipulativeness and want to give me a hard time for being the unreasonable bad daughter after Mom calls to whine to *them.* I have yet to think of a good 'comeback' line for that - have any good suggestions?

Hellebore, glad to hear you’ve managed to remove most of your stuff now. I’m hoping that might make you feel a little better, as you are now in control of what happens to your possessions. It’s awful that your mother disposed of some of your things - but it’s happened and it would be better for you if you tried to let that go now, as no amount of stressing about it will change that. It’s clear you are quite overwhelmed with everything. You mentioned your mother expects to call you and vent daily - that is unfair on you and too much. Can you be unavailable every other day, to start with, so these calls become half as frequent? And when you do have to speak to her, can you limit the call length before you get too wound up with the negativity? I do understand how you feel about the complete and utter self absorption. I would say I’ve felt complete disgust towards my mother about this. Now that I have put some distance between us I’ve noticed this feeling diminish a little. These types of people will never change but I know from personal experience that going over and over it in your mind, trying to make sense of it is a waste of your energy and bad for your health. I agree that getting some professional help would be a good thing. It will help you validate your own feelings and get you started with a few tools to deal with your mum’s behaviour. There is so much to deal with that it really does feel overwhelming, but if you can make a start with getting that help, I think it could really make a difference. It takes a lot of work but in my experience the amount you get out of it is down to how much you put in. Don’t tell your mother you are doing it - she is likely to rubbish it and undermine your efforts. Devote some time each day/week, whatever you can manage, to work on this. When I got started on counselling and CBT I felt I was a self indulgent impostor, as my mother’s conditioning made me feel I was unworthy of help and that my feelings were irrelevant. Getting help showed me I mattered, my feelings mattered and I had a right to my own life, free of my mother’s manipulation and control. And as far as your mother’s hoarding goes, why have the battle? If she really can’t bring herself to part with any of her things, that’s her problem, not yours. You’re getting stressed about it as you’ve been conditioned to solve all of her problems. You don’t have to live amongst that mess but if she wants to, fine. If not, she can hire someone to clear it for her.

Thanks xray. The really disappointing thing is, I thought we were past some of this stuff. I've had issues with my mom doing inappropriately controlling and/or incredibly thoughtless things all my life. Sometimes if I have a fit and distance myself for a while I can get her to listen to me. But the book on true NPDs is, nothing you say or do is really going to change anything. I think I'm going to have to try a different approach.

As soon as I found out she'd removed my things I called spouse with our BIG pickup and got 98% of the rest of my stuff out of there. I'm going one day this week to make sure there's nothing else there I don't want given away. I don't *think* she'd give away artwork I did over the years but honestly I have no idea since I really don't know why my own things were the first and only items (so far that I've been able to determine) to be given away. She has *piles* of hoarded stuff that hadn't been touched.

But I need to not let this drive me crazy. As I was standing there taking in the loss I just started thinking over and over, "This is not normal." My only sibling, a half brother, has a cluster B personality disorder also (borderline) and I suspect that runs in families. My dad died 20 years ago and I miss him terribly since he was often the only person I had in my corner when mom/brother would do something horrible. At least my paternal uncle is still around, I think I'll call him tomorrow.

Hellebore7,

I've been told that our most dominant traits get exaggerated when we get older.

God bless all of that are caring for narcissistic parents!!

I'm so sorry that your Mom gave your things away!!

That's not ok!!

Mom has always been difficult but now that she's a senior and with covid casting a pall over everything it's like the self absorption has dialed up to a million. I just have to figure out how often I'm going to be willing to contact her and how that's going to go given that I don't believe anything I say or do with truly affect any change in the situation - Mom is just so focused on herself and her own needs. Luckily she does have a lot of acquaintances, tho not many I'd call true friends, but at least I know the burden of her chores and loneliness is not only on me.

Chris I'm so sorry to hear you believe your mom would expose your family to covid. It's so hard to deal with feeling like there's someone in your life who is so utterly self absorbed that nothing else seems to matter. At least we on this sub know we're not alone. <3

Thank you Chriscat and Piper! I really appreciate it - this place is such a help.

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only person who's dealing with an elder and her "stuff." Like a lot of people I have a lot of tangled up feelings so I'll try to get this in some kind of order.

For starters I know full blown actual narcisstic personality disorder is somewhat rare but I'll be damned if Mom doesn't have what I've read are some of the clinical symptoms. The ones that really seem to affect me are feeling that I am extension of her with no rights/feelings of my own, and manipulating to get her way. She's also extremely susceptible to praise and flattery to what I feel is an unhealthy degree and will go to great lengths to get it, such as doing an unpaid project that lasts months, etc. (despite her professional degree) which is one reason she hasn't saved any money for retirement.

I admit I'm using her having disposed of my things to take some time off. My spouse was laid off due to covid last summer and has had a difficult time finding another job. Our area is one of the highest most affected places for covid so none of us can easily go anywhere, spouse and I don't even go to the grocery store but opt to have things delivered. But Mom expects to call me EVERY day so she can vent for an hour about how difficult her own life is since she hasn't saved money and is going to have get to rid of a lot of things and move to a smaller place. Rarely are there questions about spouse or myself, just more that I'm expected to call and "hold her hand" since she's living alone. (She's 82 which scares me b/c she really is healthy as a horse for her age and I don't know what we're going to do if she lives well into her 90s but I just can't think about that right now. She does have trouble with a bad knee and has trouble walking but neither the hoarded home nor her financial trouble is new, and something should have been done about this a long time ago before it all became a crisis. But that's my mother for you.)

Honestly there's more, a lot more, but I think I'm dealing with a clinical situation and I really probably should get some professional help. Long story short I'm just really working on boundaries. Piper, you're right that any suggestion I might come over there and help her go through stuff pretty well went out the window when I realized she had gotten rid of so much of MY stuff (which I was storing over there because we were having sidewalk sales in her neighborhood for a while, but she knew I expected to come get it and sell it on eBay - some of the items were designer purses, bags, shoes, that kind of thing.) Meanwhile her own things appear nearly untouched and we're a year into the pandemic during which time she's been telling me she's been "decluttering."

I hadn't been over there for a long while b/c she had a water leak and was telling me things were in real disarray so I figured best not to visit - she came to stay with me for a couple of weeks in December so I could play nursemaid and help pay (!) while she had some eye surgery. Of course now that is all being twisted into something it isn't.

She actually claimed, when I said I'd have been glad to come get my stuff if I'd known it would be given away, that I "wouldn't have come because I hadn't been over there for so long." There's more, but my mother is much more manipulative than most people and her words sound almost unbelievable which again is why I do think I need to get some professional help. It does help to post here though when she does things such as try to get me to call her, send me messages, tell other people to get me to call her, that kind of thing. Like many narcissists who seek validation other people who know us both would never believe some things I could say about mom - she's so careful to always put up a false front to get the praise and flattery.

Thanks Piper. It's a slow job sorting everything out but I'm doing things at a sensible pace rather than wear myself out. This week mum needed to sign the paperwork for her new place - we had a Zoom meeting with the management. When they asked if I wanted to sign and put everything in my name, I said no, it would all be in hers. I don't want to be liable for her actions and she is perfectly capable of managing this. The house manager is therefore guiding her through the paperwork this weekend - I've just read through it to check there are no unpleasant surprises. I did need to set up a landline for her though, as this is part of the deal so she can have an emergency careline connected. But I could only start the process on that as the phone company needs to speak with her too, so I've had to ask if the house manager can help with this too. I've had no response on this so far. In the past I would have worried and worried about this, but now, as I'm not allowed to visit at the moment I've just passed it back so mum and they can sort it out between them. In that sense the Covid restrictions are a help to me as I cannot get sucked into these things at the moment. The point with all of this is that mum just sits there and expects everything to be done for her. She is not incapable - in fact she has already asked if I can download the bus timtables for her, so her mind is on going shopping, even though only essential shops are open at the moment, which she doesn't need as she is in a fully catered place. This is just another demonstration of how she has always been more interested in satisfying her wants rather than dealing with her responsibilities. If she was still living with us, now that she has had her first vaccine, it is highly likely she would have jumped on the bus for non essential trips, and in doing so could have exposed DH and I to Covid as we are as yet unprotected. At least I don't have to worry about that now. So yes, I am taking slow steps forward!

Chris, I'm glad that you are continuing to move things along in an orderly and detached fashion as far as clearing out your mom's stuff.

And good for you for leaving the supplies you took to your mom at the door. I fully understand the conditioning to please them that we've carried around all of our lives, but you are really breaking free and I am happy for you.

Hellebore, welcome to the forum.

So your mom threw your stuff out, see that just amazes me. I can't wrap my head around this type of behavior. I still have the Christmas ornament I got for my son's first Christmas and he is 36! Seriously I can't imagine having to unload my cluttered house and throwing away his things without asking, FIRST no less!

Narc mother's are truly damaged people who seriously hurt their own kids with zero remorse.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but now that your stuff is gone, if I were you I wouldn't lift a finger to help my mom declutter and get rid of her own stuff. She doesn't have dementia, so tell her to start packing or hire someone.

Yes it's not only okay, but healthy for you to be unavailable.

By the way, did you ask her WHY she threw your stuff away, and if so what was her response?

Beatty, you are so right. It was all about satisfying your relative’s immediate “want”, rather than any wish to provide love and care for a pet. Once you are able to decode this behaviour in a narcissist, you can spot the signs sooner and not get dragged in to running around after them. When I dropped some stuff off for mum the other day, she invited me in. Current COVID restrictions do not allow me to visit her at the moment, as she well knows, so I have to drop things at the door for her to take inside. She was quite prepared to break the rules just to get me to carry the few small lightweight bags in for her, rather than do it herself. I refused because of the restrictions, but in the past I might have found myself drawn into doing this, having been conditioned to satisfy and appease all my life.

Hellebore, sorry you’re having to deal with hoarding and your mother’s abusive behaviour and actions. I’m going through a similar situation at the moment. Mum has moved into supported living, having lived with us for over 10 years. Her bedroom and sitting room at our house are full of her things, and I’ve said I’ll take boxes of this stuff to her gradually, so she can sort stuff out at a sensible pace rather than all at once. I’m finding all sorts of useless rubbish, mixed in with her possessions: old papers, empty boxes, plastic bags, bits of string, the tops from pens, broken items, old keys from several house moves ago, and the list goes on...I’ve thrown out this obvious rubbish, and there’s a lot of other useless stuff she has held on to that she has probably forgotten about - I will box this all up, hold on to it for a few months and then probably get rid of it as I know she will otherwise just hoard it at her new place. I will focus on giving her the useful stuff first, including clothing and toiletries, but for most other stuff I will create a sorting system of: rubbish, donate, sell, keep. On top of this, she had complained bitterly for years when she first moved in with us that several box loads of stuff had been lost by the removal company. I found these boxes under her bed. They have never been opened. I think she shoved things under the bed and in drawers rather than dealing with anything. This would fit with my mother’s unwillingness to deal with any responsibilities in life. She would then go shopping on a daily basis to fill up her rooms with yet more stuff. I also found a cupboard full of photograph albums of her numerous holidays going back 40 years. There were no such albums of me or our family unit. My husband found many of these thrown out with the rubbish a few years ago, and managed to salvage some of them for me. I’ve also found some of my late stepfather’s items that my mother tells me he wanted to be given to his nephews. Instead, she has kept these items too, rather than carrying out his wishes. I suppose I’m telling you this partly to vent, but also to suggest that you try for your own sanity to adopt a “neutral” stance. Stay focused on the task and treat sorting out your mother’s stuff as a way of bringing order to chaos - for your benefit as much as for hers. I’m finding this approach is working for me.

I just saw this thread & the parrot story. Holy Moly!

I suppose folk get bored, like to dream up wishes...

My relative once thought a little dog may be nice, a little company. The flying monkeys were sent out... 🙈 How could she get one? Where from? She would need YOU to buy it for her & pick it up.

Me: could she actually look after a dog? Feed, walk, wash, take it for regular shots?

🙈 Oh, she would need YOU to take it to the vets, maybe for YOU to come walk it a bit... groom it...& I suppose she could feed it... but maybe YOU would need to buy the dog food.

I struggled to comprehend the sheer lack of common sense, the complete lack of concern for the animal or the demands on my time/effort.

I re-phrased it back "So you want me to get a dog, be completely responsible for it but let it live with her?

(This was before I found the wisdom of the good folk here at the forum).

Now I see it as a flying monkey trying to bring what she wished for.

Just crazy 🤯 Like letting a 4yr old buy your weekly groceries: Chips! Icecream! 🍟🍧 Cookieeees 🍪🍪🍪🍪

(double post, sorry about that)

Just jumping in here, also dealing with a narcissist. Mine is a borderline hoarder and is going to have to empty her home and move to a much smaller place sometime soon because she assumed I was going to be her retirement plan and saved no money. (She did volunteer work which flattered her ego for years instead of using her advanced degree - now this is my problem - why??)

Went over there last night and found out the "decluttering" she said she's been doing for months consists thus far of giving some things of mine worth at least $1000 to the Goodwill without asking or telling me, while everything of hers remained untouched. I mentioned she could have called me to come get them, and got the lies and gaslighting with which I'm sure you all are familiar.

I am so angry. I am so tired of listening to her complain about problem that HER actions created. I didn't make her fail to work or save or accumulate so much stuff that now this is going to be a major project, or wait years beyond what she should have (since her health is now bad) to divest of stuff and move. I know from my own experience the clutter is probably ADHD related, it's an inherited condition and I know I got it from her, but there's no way she'll ever take it seriously or get any help for it.

My only sibling, a half brother also has a personality disorder and will be no help. I'm really cracking up. Time to start thinking about what *I* need, which is the UNAVAILABLE sign someone posted above!!

Piper,

Your siblings sound like one of my younger brothers!!

There's a name for their compliant behavior, they're are "Flying Monkeys "!! Lol

Bundleofjoy,

Thank you so much for your kind words!

I'm feeling pretty good!! Fingers crossed that 2021 is gonna be a much better year for all of us!!

(((Hugs)))