Where would you run away to?

hugs!!!

i understand you.

“Peace, I want peace.”

and she wants war, war (against you).

you have incompatible goals.

EmotionallyNumb - can you tell your mother you to sh__ the he__ up, well maybe not that rude, but you can tell her you want some quiet time now, and that she can tell you later whatever it is she wants tell you.

Emotionally numb, I hear you. I have a person in my life who talks and talks and talks. It is draining as hell. Imagine having to carry on a conversation all day long. A one sided one at that cause I usually just grunt and say aha, aha, yeah, okay, in response. It is hard. If you ever find a way to stop it apart from getting your ears removed, let me know.

Ok. Where is your regular respite care? Time to use it as often as possible. Too expensive? Check your local regional department on aging-they often have resources that you may have never used. Volunteers to help folks like you. What is the longest amount of time you think you can leave your mother alone? My husband is about two hours-max. Time for you to get out and about. This is too much and not worth the stress-which will then impact your health, and what ever is left of your will to keep caring for your mother.
As far as running away imagry, save it for bed time. Think of all the places you'd like to visit. What food to eat, what sights to see. My own list is long, fun and a nice distraction to the intrusive real world thoughts that can wait for the morning. I know one caregiver who wears ear buds to listen to pod casts instead of her mother.

If you won a free trip to a tropical island next week, would you go?

Would you arrange a 'sitter' or book Mom in to respite care?

See where I'm heading... If it is possible... ??

Or maybe stay a little closer to home. Like home. You stay home for a stay-cation & Mother goes elsewhere for 2 weeks?

Or maybe you have no real plan to escape, just want a little vent. That's ok too.

I have tried asking her to quit talking but either she gets mad when I ask and says I hurt her feelings or she just keeps talking anyway. It's like she has no awareness that I'm trying to do something else and cannot or do not want to listen to her at the moment. I've asked her how other people asked her quit talking in a way that did not hurt her feelings or what I should say when I need silence and her answer was 'I don't know but I know they were able to do it'. I don't have any respite providers, my only sibling that lives in town hasn't talked to her or me in about a year. I'm almost too nervous to send her to my other sibling's house because I think she may end up saying or doing something that would cause a fight. She doesn't really have any tact or buildup in arguments, she will say whatever comes to her mind and goes from 0 to 60 in about 3 seconds.

Yesterday was actually an ok day once I got home from work. It's just that I never know what I'm walking into, she could be severely depressed from something she saw on the news, she might be angry about something, she could be just fine, she could be ruminating on something from the past. She brings up the past so much I know just about all the stories by heart. She asks me what I'm going to do after she's dead and I feel like it's a trick question. Like she wants to know so she can pick it apart. I can't confide anything in her anymore because even if she doesn't intend to, it's like she can't stop herself from using it against you at some point down the road. If she is mad, nothing is off limits or too rude to say.

I would run away to someplace where the weather was somewhat consistent without huge periods of overbearing hot/cold weather for months on end. I would also run away to a place where no one knows me so I can begin to become "myself" again. Year ago I picked out an alias I would also change my name and get a new place. I would quit all social media and get a new phone number and just disconnect from everything and everyone in my family.

I have 1 daughter & 1 step daughter who could both chew the ear off a brass monkey. I can't tolerate it, really. When my DD was a child, she didn't say a word until she was 3. The family (on my ex's side) were all so worried, OMG, there was something WRONG with her, they'd say, over and over again. I knew otherwise. When she turned 3, she started talking in sentences and hasn't shut up since; she's now 29. As a child, I'd tell her 'I need 5 minutes of silence now, dear.' That was the rule; we'd start out with 5 minutes of silence and work our way up to 10 and 15 from there. It was while driving I'd ask for the silence b/c it'd drive me up the WALL to hear her constant chatter while trying to focus on the road!

My step daughter now calls my husband and literally keeps him on the phone for 2 hours or more; I have no idea how he does it. It takes her longer to TELL a story than it took for the incident to HAPPEN!

So, you want peace, I understand that intimately. What I do not understand is why you are living with your mother who drives you insane? A child there's no choice about, a mother there is. Using the "you must not be a Christian b/c you're not doing things MY way" BS against you is hitting below the belt. Having dramatic mood swings, run-on monologues and the need to micro-analyze every personal interaction she has sounds like mental illness to me. Not to mention 'debilitating bouts of depression' and non-stop chatter. My mother was like this to a large degree, which was one of the many reasons I could NEVER live with her again after childhood. Once was more than enough. She too could not have a moments silence while together; I believe she couldn't stand her own company and had to fill every moment with idle chatter just so there WASN'T a moment to THINK or to feel alone. That's my 2 cent psychology on the matter. My mother's mental illness was apparent since I was a very young child; I even kept a black & white marble notebook about her 'episodes' so that I could present it to the 'men in the white coats' when they came to take her away, so they'd have some history to go on. That never happened. Untreated/undiagnosed mental illness takes a huge toll on everyone, but mostly, on YOU, the recipient of all of her wrath, suspicions, histrionics, and runaway thoughts she can't seem to stop ruminating on.

You need a break. Yes it would be great to run away to some tropical island but that's not reality, just a nice fantasy. Why not focus on what you can actually DO to get mom out of your living space NOW? Who cares if you send her off to the sibling & they have a fight? Welcome to YOUR LIFE! Look into Assisted Living or Independent Senior Living, or just an apartment for her OUT of your house (or you moving out of her house; whatever your living arrangement is). Other alternatives ARE available, even if you think they're not. They are. Medicaid is available to finance Skilled Nursing if she qualifies. Section 8 housing is available, even if it means you get her on a list now for sometime down the road. Even just getting the ball in motion can relieve your MIND of some of the burden it's hanging onto.

I don't have all the answers, I just want to make you think about finding some yourself. Living like this, with THIS type of mother invading your peace 24/7, is a terrible burden to bear. It has nothing to do with 'love' but with peace and with blessed silence that you deserve to have in your life. We all do. It's a human right, I think, that we take for granted until someone steps in and takes it away from us. Then we realize just how sacred it was!

Wishing you some joy & peace in your life, my friend, and hoping you can find it somehow.

anywhere but here...…….

I believe I'd head back up to the mountains, and find a nice cabin with no cell access, no TV, just a nice stream flowing close by.

EmotionallyNumb,

Why do you tolerate any of this? There is no reason for you to. No one has to sit and talk to someone all day long.
If you don't want to talk to her, walk away and ignore her. This is what I do every day. You mother very likely is trying to get you angry to get a response from you. This is called instigating. Seniors do it all the time because many are bored and want someone to fight with. My mother used to instigate all the time. She doesn't so much anymore. Know why?
I tell her plainly to stop instigating and to find someone else to pick a fight with. Then I walk away and ignore her. I don't confide anything in my mother either because I know she'll use it against me if she's mad over something. I learned not to confide in her from about the age of 10 or so.
Let me tell you one thing. It's not going to get easier or happier. You have to take some happiness for yourself. You don't have to live your mother's life. Nor do you have to tolerate her emotional abuse. You say you've spend your whole life around people who blow up when mad, hold onto the past, and can't forgive or let go.
That's their problem, not yours.
If you want respect you have demand it and fight for it. You can't let people walk all over you, even when it's family. Especially when it's family.
You are not responsible to fulfill your mother's emotional and social needs. Your whole life doesn't have to be about her. Start going out. Take a class. Join a club. Take the vacation you're talking about.
As for where I would run away to. Where I always run away to. Scotland. God willing I'll be heading there in July. My sibling and family can work out the care arrangements for my mother.

Burnt, I think on some level I have always felt responsible to make sure she is taken of and happy, but it's impossible to make her happy. Most of the time when I try to do something nice, she finds something to complain about and it turns into an awful experience. I used to work at a hospital and I would just be shocked at what a good attitude people in much worse shape than her would have. I have switched jobs several times in the last five years because I thought couldn't deal with the stress of the job but now I'm realizing that I changed jobs because I couldn't change the stress of my home life.

Lealonnie1, I definitely think mental illness plays a factor in it. She lives with me because it just seemed like the best choice. None of my siblings were willing or able have her. For a brief time one of my sisters was discussing having her stay with her but that was a long time, this sister isn't currently speaking to either of us because of a blow out fight. I think my mom has an impulse control disorder or really struggles with putting herself in other people's shoes. I've been called 'her handler' by all of my siblings. Whenever I've tried to get her involved in something outside the house, she may go once or twice then never go back again. I called to re-negotiate our cable deal the other day and she was yelling complaints in the background the whole time about the cable company, she does things like that all the time. If i get her food from a restaurant, there's a huge chance she will complain about it. Clothes, furniture, appliances, none of it's ever right. I always have her pick it out too so she can't blame me for it but then she'll try to rewrite history and act like I pressured her into something.

Her life is not that bad, there are billions of people in much worse situations than her. I have a good job, I own a nice home that I encourage her to be completely at home in, I do all the grocery shopping, go with her to all her doctor appointments, manage her medicine, do all of her paperwork, pay all the bills, I include her in most activities I do in the evenings or I am home with her and from a behavior viewpoint, I am one of the easiest people to get along with that you will ever meet. But this is not enough for her, she has to keep looking for what is wrong in life and not what is right. I am just very tired, why can't she be happy or at least content?

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I made the above post some months ago after buying new furniture and returning the first two sets to the store after she complained about them, I refused to return the third set. I thought she would eventually wear out and accept the new couch and recliner. Here we are, 7 months later and she is still saying every day how much she hates them and it's the worst couch she's ever had. I told her yesterday if she wants to call the furniture store and try to return it then that was fine but that I wasn't going to call and it had to be her. She called them then calls me at work crying and wants me to call the furniture store and talk to the manager because she's embarrassed. She went into her bedroom about an hour ago sobbing saying how much she hates the couch and recliner. She doesn't get past anything but even if i did get rid of it, wouldn't she just hate the next one too?

EmotionallyNumb,

I want to respond to you comment on the thread. It's a good step forward that you are honest with yourself. You want to help your mom and see her happy. I think we all feel like that. You understand that she's a miserable and negative person who can never be happy or even content. It's good that you know this and understand that none of it is your fault.
My mother is exactly the same way. She must always find the negative in something no matter what it is. She will sabotage and turn the happiest of times into an awful and miserable experience for all. Just like your mother. Only I used to think it was always my fault because I was the family scapegoat since I was a little kid.
I used to dread holidays when I was a child because my mother would always find a way to blame me for ruining everything. I was too young at the time to understand what she was doing. Laying the groundwork weeks in advance to make sure she got the fighting and tantrums she wanted. I think she enjoyed ruining holidays for everyone and used me as her vehicle to get it done. This way she could still play the martyr and most people felt sorry for her because her kid was so bad. Not everyone though. Therapy helped me to understand all of this.
I never had family holidays that were joyful and fun until I got married and was with a normal family.
I didn't speak to my mother for six years. She made an honest attempt at some amends and I gave her a chance. I'm her caregiver because it benefits us both. Old habits die hard though. I tolerate nothing from her and she tries to instigate sometimes and spread her negativity around to ruin things. She just gets ignored though.

Emotionallynumb: the furniture scenario says it ALL. Do not call the manager, do not return the furniture. She is embarrassed bc SHE knows it's wrong what she's doing! Yet she has no problem putting YOU in the middle of it! This is mental illness and you've got to get her diagnosed and medicated at the very least. Then out of your house, preferably before she kills you, no joke. Not with her bare hands but with her actions grinding away at you mentally. You should NOT have to be putting up with such behavior and I suggest you stop doing so immediately.

You could repeatedly ask her, "what did you just say?" Time and time again.

I had a nephew that liked to talk, ALL the time. I would ask him this until he finally got tired of repeating the same thing and would find something else to do.

Otherwise, earplugs!