Hi, I found these forms trying to find someone else going through what I was, so I felt less lonely. To explain how I ended up in this situation I’ll give a debrief. Throughout my whole life my mom sheltered my brother and I from the world out of fear of it hurting us like it hurt her. When she finally let me go to public school for my freshmen year of high school, I was beat up every day and was unable to defend myself so I started skipping class to avoid getting beat up and the high school wouldn’t suspend them so in response to me skipping classes all my freshmen credits were taken from me. I gave up and almost ended my life, but my mom stopped me before it was too late. For the next few years, she put me in intense therapy at 15. 4 months after I turned 17 my mom overdosed on multiple different drugs and died (not intentionally) After that I moved in with my dad, he has not been there my entire life and was forced to take me and my brother in. I hated him and left 3 different times because I couldn’t stand to look at him. During that time my dad lost his ability to see out of one of his eyes causing my brother to have to start helping him as he couldn’t drive to his doctor’s appointments. By the time I came back at 19 years old my brother was no longer the same brother I knew. He was cold, didn’t laugh, often would take out his anger on me and my dad vocally. He was diagnosed with “Caretaker Fatigue” not long after and become emotionless. 2 months later after my brother gave up on helping my dad, I was forced to drive him to every single one of his appointments where a doctor accidentally told me my dad had cancer (my dad had been hiding it). My dad’s bone marrow was infected and dying from the leukemia. He lost his ability to walk and 7 months later went into cardiac arrest at 80 years old, where me and my brother said our goodbyes. The doctors told us he had a 5% chance of survival and his brain had been without oxygen for 9 minutes before they brought him back. We were told we had 15 minutes left with him. After 15 minutes my dad was still fighting, 15 minutes turned to 30 and then that turned into an hour, and he fought for his life for 5 days. I’ll always remember my dad waking up and telling me through the breathing tube that he loved me (if you don’t know somebody who has had a breathing tube it is the worst pain imaginable)
3 years later my dad has still been unable to walk, and his left arm is broken forever after he fell trying to get up by himself. My brother is checked out and went to college and I am the full sole caretaker. Sorry if this was a lot of writing I don’t even know if I’m using this form correctly but with all I’ve said I wanted to know what to do. Me and my dad have developed a real connection, and nobody gets me. Nobody understands I can’t just leave my dad; he only fights for his life now because he wants to be here for longer so me and my brother can enjoy having a father.
Side notes:
No family available to help everyone is busy with jobs.
Caretakers costing an insane amount of money and all of them quit within a week (like seriously the past 10 quit within the week)
My mom and dad were divorced.
I completed 3/4 of the GED tests but I really struggle with math and have failed the test 9 times.
I have no idea if anyone is even reading this.
Where you go from here is you have your father placed in a nursing home and get back to your life the way your brother has .
You are too young to be living like this . You have become codependent with your Dad. You need therapy for all you have been through .
Some community colleges will let you attend while finishing your GED . They have classes to help you finish .
Please seek help from a County social worker to assist you with placing your Dad . And to see what they can do to help you get on your feet as well . Tell them your whole life story . Maybe you can get counseling through the county . Or some colleges have grad students who do counseling for free . Get a job and/or go to school . Is there another relative you could live with temporarily ?
Do not continue to make Dad your whole life .
If your father was in his right mind ( which I doubt he is ) he would not want you giving up your life like this .
I am sure you will be getting more answers here. Keep reading .,
I’ve seen first hand how they treat people in nursing homes, it’s so sad it just breaks my heart. Also my dad will likely give up if I were to do that. I go to therapy once, sometimes twice a week. On top of that usually I’ll go to the gym for hours at 12am to release my stress while he sleeps.
I was recently accepted into a program that would allow me to attend college and get my associates in biology and a GED. I just feel so guilty moving forward while watching my dad take a few steps backwards.
I am aware of how selfish it is for my dad to lay this burden on me though. I have gone through every emotion with him, pleading for him to make the decision himself so I don’t have to live with the guilt.
I did GED Tutoring for 2 years which is how I passed all the tests besides math on my first try. No matter what the tutors tried they couldn’t teach me math good enough. I failed the math GED 3 times by 1 point 144/200 which you need a 145 just to pass. Thousands of dollars have been put into tutoring to put it simply
I was also accepted into college last week for a biology/GED program. I just don’t know what I’m gonna do with my dad. He is excited for me and wants me to go but he has 2 appointments a week and needs help going to the bathroom, eating, and even getting water.
If you're not collecting SSI disability, most likely someone is collecting it for you and is supposed to be paying for your maintenance with it. So you would have a state caseworker and you should be communicating with them. If you're not collecting which is pretty unlikely, you should be. Call your state's department of social services and make an appointment to get a caseworker if you don't already have one. If you do have one, you should be in touch with them.
With respect to you and your situation, if what you've said here is the truth, it sounds like you need a guardian/conservator for yourself who will make your decisions, and make sure you're provided for. This is no judgment on you. Your father can be put into Long Term Care and should be. He will get the care he needs in a nursing home.
What happens to you when your father passes or has to go into Long Term care in a nursing home? Homelessness because you depend on him to provide housing and support? Don't let that happen. You need to call your state's department of social services. Or go to your doctor and ask them to put you in touch with a social worker.
Your parents- specifically your father since we know his age - chose to have children fairly late in life. Your father was only 4 years from being considered a "senior" citizen and qualifying for social security. He is older than MY mother and I'm more than twice your age. My CHILDREN are older than you.
Why do I say that? Not only should they have planned for the possibility that they could pass away while you were still a minor, but they also should have planned for their own aging care.
"I was also accepted into college last week for a biology/GED program." Please don't pass this up. I mean no disrespect with what I'm about to say - but your father will not be here forever. And when he does pass - you are going to have to start your life from scratch. And the older you are, the more difficult that is. If you have the opportunity to live your life as YOU want, I think it is important that you give yourself as much, if not more, priority in your own life.
You mention your brother ended up with Caregiver fatigue. Please really think about that. Again, no disrespect but your father is going to get worse - not better. Finding somewhere that can provide him with 24/7 awake care is your best option.
You say you know how those places are - but I'm wondering how? Have you visited any SNF? Or are you just basing it on what you hear or how your father feels about them?
Do yourself a favor, find someone in your area that can help you through this - a social worker perhaps or a home health nurse that may visit your father or his doctor and ask for help.
This does not have to be your life.
You have two choices, you can go on for possibly many more years like this, or you can seek placement for him which I know right now feels like something you could never do. You deserve a full life, you've had a lot of trauma, I hope you'll consider intensive therapy again or some kind of therapy focused on you, your mental health, and continued development for the life you so deserve. Hugs...
Look up free GED classes offered through your city or county. Here’s a sample of what you should look for. https://sanmateoadulted.org/programs/high-school-diploma-and-ged/#ged
The prep can be done online, but you will get more individualized help going in person. After you receive your ged, Consider community college to gain your lower level academic prerequisites and to acquire skills training. Should you pursue nursing or medical tech, you’ll meet potential caregivers who cost less and are more reliable—plus oftentimes are earning on the job credit as you will be.
My issue is I’ve went through so many GED classes for the past few years that it’s draining going back and getting the same result. I recently got accepted into a community college that would give me my GED and an associates degree in biology. My goal is to ultimately go into MED school and become a doctor, although I know the journey is a long one.
I'm questioning the legitimacy of this post. No one forced a 79 year-old senior citizen to take custody of their adult children unless they are special needs and unable to live on their own. Even then, someone is collection disability support for them and they have case/social workers assigned to them who make sure the the person who has adult custody of them is meeting their needs and providing for them.