83-year-old mom got rid of 24/7 care to be on her own. Now she feels us kids should be there whenever she calls. How do I keep myself from feeling selfish?
We got her an "alert" thing she wears to stay safe on her own. She told me today, "With the caregivers gone, how am I going to get my paper? I'm afraid to walk outside." She is a widow and has had 3 bad falls. She uses her walker. I am the only one out of us 4 kids that has discussed assisted living and she is already butting heads with me. I am the "this is the truth, deal with it" kid of us. I am also a widow and own my own business. I take care of myself. My 2 brothers each live almost 3 hours away and my sister, well she doesn't approve of my approach. Mom calls me almost daily.
"Sharon something is wrong with my TV.
"Sharon, can you order me some groceries?"
"Sharon, I have a doctors appointment in 3 days can you take me?"
When I tell her I have appointments with clients she tells me, "I guess I'll get a stranger to help me." She raised a smart kid, she can't fool me with that lol. She doesn't call my other siblings. I call her every night just to see how her day was and to tell her I love her. I have empathy, but I can't just close up shop when I have clients that have already paid to pick something up. My younger brother (50) actually drives up to Charleston from Beaufort once or twice a week to stop in and see mom. I guess I'm trying to make sure I am not being selfish. Sometimes I'm so busy with my business, I feel guilty if I'm not able to tend to her. I mean if it's something very urgent I run over. I live 6 minutes away.
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Or insert the task de jour...
I don't know Mom. What will you do?
Breathe. Pause. Wait. Imagine elevator music playing...
Mom will decide. Either do without or re-hire her aides.
I would have the long hard sitdown talk with your Mom. Be very kind and very gentle but tell her that you cannot any longer be coming over to do all the things she requires of you, nor doing more than one check in call per day. That she will have to be able to be independent enough to do for herself or to hire help or to enter ALF.
My guess is that your Mom would love it. So many activities to keep them busy, and all the help and the chit chatting and not a thing to worry about.
But if you enable her she will never give it a try. You are going to have to practice a bit of tough love here, I think, and see if that helps.
Where does your sister live? She doesn't approve of you trying to make boundaries with your mother, yet she does nothing?
You will have to be the one (and the only one) to lay down the law (boundaries) with your mother, and make them stick. Whatever any of your siblings think is irrelevant. Did she groom you to become her eventual caregiver? Why doesn't she ever call any of your siblings?
Who has her POA/HCPOA?
We kids were not raised in a family with boundaries. Meaning we were told how to feel and how to dress, yada yada. Even as an adult mom would take over conversations about me, right in front of me to other people. Talks about me as if I were still a child. She is a person the criticizes others very often, Even her own kids to her kids.
I don't think any of us were groomed to be her caregiver. But dad was her "boss" for 54 years. Then she became the "boss" of the family after he died.
What was her plan for getting her needs met?
"Mom, if you want to stay at home alone, isolated, in a place with no sidewalks, no way to get meds delivered, no way to get groceries, then you need either to hire some help or move to a place where there IS help around."
That's the conversation I had with my mom after she called me 4dayscrunning for "emergencies".
It looks to me as though you might NEED them again. I NEED to keep my business afloat, and loving you dearly, I’ll help you rehire some nice people to do what you’re afraid to do.
I’ll come this Wednesday and we’ll make some phone calls……..”
"How are you going to get x, y, z done mom?" I asked.
Talk about a dropped jaw.
I was supposed to be the plan. Not so.
Then say, why don't we go looking at some ALs. You don't need to decide anything just look. They are very nice. You have a room of your own. Someone to clean ur room and does your laundry. You have people to talk to when u want. Staff to do things for you. Meals cooked for you. Activities and outings. Just look at them. I think that would be a good solution for everyone.
Stand your ground. There are 4 of you. You are not an only child.
Just wondering, are you the oldest. I was, I had a sister then two brothers. Also the one who lived close by. I had Mom in my home for 20 months. I placed her into a small AL. I have never felt guilt. I did my best. My sister had passed. My brothers did nothing. So if anyone should feel guilt, they should.
How did you get your mom to go look at AL? I have looked, in person, at a very nice place and they get their own little apartment. But no oven/stove. They are all inclusive and have a kitchen with fridge and micro, sept bathroom and Livingroom. Gourmet dining, a salon, pharmacy, all kinds of activities. I found out one of her previous best friends lives there. I mentioned to mom there is an open apt next to her. My parents where very best friends with the couple before the lady's husband died. Mom's response was "On lord , I would have to listen to her talk about her husband all the time" "Me-"But mom you loved her so much. Ya'll could cut up, get your hair done and have a screw driver at happy hour" YES the AL living has happy hour from 4-6, But there is a 2 drink max. Probably because they don't need a bunch of drunk senior with walkers "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It"..lol..
Good for you, you've set boundaries. Sharon, stay strong!
Can't she learn to order her own groceries? It's not rocket science. Lots of 80+ year olds do it. Can't she call a TV repairman? Call an Uber?
She wants to be independent, but she's not. She wants to think she is, but that's nonsense. Lots of people her age are independent, though. Some work all day, some run businesses, some do hard labor taking care of others, teach yoga, and do every single thing for themselves. Every. Single. Thing.
Okay, she's fallen and uses a walker, but that doesn't affect her picking up a phone and calling someone other than you.
Selfish is a term that others apply to us when we're not doing what they want. You are NOT selfish to provide for yourself and run a business. If someone needs to be called selfish, it's your mom. There, I've said it. SHE IS SELFISH.
Now acquaint her with a TV repair person and ordering groceries online. Try Walmart. The website is user friendly and they'll deliver the same day if you want. Mom doesn't know how to use a computer? Time she learned.
Won't? Well, then she needs to go off to Shady Palms Care Home for Annoying Seniors. You're sure to find one nearby in the beautiful Palmetto State.
The only reason she calls me is because I'm the closes and the only one the actually answers the phone. My siblings have to "save up energy" to talk to her. She has been a complainer/dooms day kind of person every since I can remember as a kid. She and dad were both extremely controlling as we were growing up. I have been thinking maybe because she feels she is losing full control over her life, she is trying to control everyone else. I feel sad for her, but I am not in a position to "save" her.
I am taking her to a doc appt next Wed. I plan of mentioning a "mental" check. But I can tell you health wise, she is extremely healthy. She doesn't even have to take BP meds. I'm interested to see how that goes since her opinion of me changes hourly..lol. I am 18 years sober from drugs/drinking. I have some good, strong recovery time and experiences. I am bipolar and keep that in check. Our family is not close at all. So I guess that a part of "crickets'..lol
”You’re fine. You fired all the aides because you can handle everything yourself. Getting the paper is no big deal.”
She thought she didn’t need help. Realized she indeed does but assumed you’d step in. She probably didn’t realize how much help she actually needs. The “I’ll just get a stranger to help me”… ha! Even she knows she’s trying to guilt you into doing what she wants.
And yes, some people think working from home means you set your own schedule and can come and go as you please.
Imagine this: "Well since you're working from home can't you work from here?" So the caregiver didn't have to come that day. Some days when I work from home I work til damn near 10pm. But to my mom that's not "really working it's more like a vacation."
If that's a vacation, please...
this really struck a chord with me because my mother is a control freak. You should be livid with her because her solution is for you to be doing it now. It’s time to speak up.
"Why do I always have to pay someone else to help me!" I was as calm and apologetic as I could be when I told her, "Life costs money. You choose to live in this house and it's beyond your upkeep and mine, so you're going to have to find people that can help you better than I can."
When she asks me about a suspicious email I ask her what it says and she screams at me, "I can't read it it's too small!" Basically if she could get me to do everything she would try and when I set boundaries, hard as it is, I get a verbal volcano on me.
I told her yesterday, "Why are you always so angry at me?" She just stared off into space. It isn't me. But, it won't be directed at me any longer.
I briefly hired PWS so I could guarantee myself 4 uninterrupted hours every other day but my mother blew her stack and tried blocking them from entering her house. Eventually she tried killing herself because I wouldn’t leave my husband and kids for her. That’s when we had her taken to the hospital and into a care home. She has dementia.
Being the person who expects her wants and needs fulfilled right now, with no regard for what others are doing, is selfish. Setting boundaries, such as completing your business with a client, is not selfish.
Stand firm with your boundaries.
Please reread the above sentence.
They want us to do everything for them because it is easier than having to figure it out on their own. My father would call me at work over his remote not working. This was a crisis! What was he going to do! What couldn't I come over right now and fix it for him (sadly my office was less than a half mile from his apt). Tell them it is for your father! When I did go over, I would try and show him how to reprogram his remote but he waved his hand and say it was easier if I did it. Sure for him it was but not me. I learned that all non-emergency issues would be dealt with on my every other Thursday visit to take him grocery shopping. Can't be bothered to help yourself, well then you get to wait until my regularly scheduled visit if you want me to do it.
Point out to your mother that she had someone to pick up her paper but she fired them, so what did she expect? You are not available to pick up the slack for her bad decisions.
She stopped wanting to go out. Stayed home all the time, was anxious about EVERYTHING. Regular doc really didn't see what we thought was wrong.
It turned out mom was having bouts of fecal incontinence which were happening because she was using both laxatives AND immodium liberally. Had created a fecal impaction with leakage.
We got her into a nice Independent Living facility because her "emergencies" were going to cause us all to lose our jobs.
It took the on-site doc 2 visits to refer her to a geriatric psychiatrist. It took the geripsych one visit to call me and say "your mom needs a neuropsych workup; something is VERY off in her reasoning abilities."
It turns out mom had had a stroke which had wiped out most of her reasoning and abstract thinking skills. She had the problem-solving abilities of a 6 year old.
To the casual eye, mom was "sharp as a tack." Except she wasn't.
Assuming that someone isn’t tech savvy because of age is wrong. I know lots of 80 year olds and 90+ who use computers and cell phones. Computers arrived in early 1980s. They were required in various work situations. Internet maybe in 1990s. Cell phones later but I had one in about 1998. That’s 25 years ago. I got my first computer around 1981 and taught myself to use it for work. Where have these elders been all these years?? Just wondering.
So I wondered.. what's a ONE sided co-dependant situation?
A ha! *Dependant*
A Social Worker I met summed it up so quickly & accurately. Was a shock to hear: Your relative is not living alone, independantly. Your relative is living alone, dependanly. Heavily dependant on family.
Once I saw it - any guilt to fix or personally keep propping up vanished. My next task was to back out. This allowed other help in.
Charlestongirl, how about your situation? Is it similar?
How am I going to get my paper? IDK, mom, what are you going to do about that?
You’re fine. Not selfish. You have to protect your business so you have income to save for your golden years. Carry on.
Our parents are already supposed to be adults!
I can empathize with your situation. I was the child that did the most for my parents too. It gets old being the one who does the majority of the work.
I think you’re heading in the right direction by investigating assisted living facilities.
I don’t understand why some older people aren’t interested in downsizing as their needs change.
My husband’s grandparents refused to move out of their large house.
When DH’s grandmother became a widow, she thought that she could call on her daughter to do everything for her. My MIL helped where she could but had her own life to live and she insisted that she hire full time caregivers.
Every time your mom asks you for something, tell her that it’s a shame that she let go of her help.
Be direct with her and say that you are busy, busy, busy and simply cannot help now or in the future so she will have to hire new caregivers to fill in the gap. It’s either that or assisted living. She can choose. This way, you are off the hook!
She also grew up poor; poor as in 4 sisters had to sleep on the sofa bed and the mattress had a hole in it so every night it was a race to see who could go to bed first so that no one had to sleep in the hole.
I can definitely relate to that part.