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From the OPs profile: I am caring for my father Bob, who is 95 years old, living at home with age-related decline, depression, hearing loss, and mobility problems. About Me: Daughter 27 my mom is the main caregiver but I work to keep the house that my dad wants to pass in and it isn’t cheap. ***************************** Why are YOU working to 'keep the house that your dad wants to pass in' that isn't cheap??? His house is HIS responsibility, not yours. Furthermore, your mother is his primary caregiver, dad doesn't respect you, forcing you to 'stand up for yourself' all the while you're breaking your back to PAY for HIS house?
What's wrong with this entire picture????
Nothing seems 'okay' about any of this. You need to remove yourself from an abusive situation, stop paying for your parents' home, and set down some boundaries about what you will and will not do for them. All elders want the fantasy of 'aging in place' but when the reality means their CHILD is breaking HER back to make that reality happen, that's when things have to be reevaluated.
The house can be sold to finance your parent's lives in Assisted Living so they're paying their own way in life. Or, they can downsize into a smaller home that's affordable WITHOUT your help, and hire caregivers to come in to help dad out. That lets you off the hook for the financial burden AND for the disrespect being dished out.
We all 'want' things to be a certain way in life but it's unrealistic to expect those wants to work out. I 'want' to win the lottery, too, but chances are I won't. Tough luck for me, huh? Means I have to live within MY means, whether I like it or not w/o relying on my children to bail me out.
It's time you rethink this entire situation you're allowing to happen and start looking out for YOURSELF here. It's okay to help your parents out, within limits, as long as it's not killing YOU in the process, either financially, mentally or both.
Is the age correct, your 27? A child or a grandchild where ur grandparents have raised you? Does Dad have any Dementia? You say Mom is his caregiver? Since you seem to be paying the bills so they can stay in the house, are you the one the house is going to pass on to and do you have that in writing?
No you are not wrong in sticking up for yourself. Its how you go about it. If its screaming matches, that is not good. No one should put up with any type of abuse. And those doing the abusing need to know you won't tolerate it. You are an adult and as such deserve respect. At 95 Dad needs you more than you need him. If he is holding the house over your head, don't allow this. There are many posts on this forum where a child is promised something to do the care. Only to find out, it was never put in the Will or in writing.
You have to set up boundries for you. What you will and will not do and what you will and will not tolerate. When Dad starts with his abuse, walk out. You may also want to remind him that but for you he may lose the house. If you can upkeep his house, then you can find a place of your own. Then he would need to sell and downsize for he and Mom.
There is a book called Boundries by Townsend and Cloud my daughter enjoyed it as did members of the forum. Also look up the "grey rock method". You maybe able to use this.
Yell at him? No, that's verbal abuse. And you certainly can't hit him.
You can walk out of the room if he becomes verbally abusive to you. If he becomes physical with you, I would call 911 and have him taken to the hospital.
UTI (urinary tract infections) can cause behavioral symptoms in elders. They can also turn into sepsis very quickly, so if you see a change in his behavior for the worse, get in touch with his doc right away and make sure that his urine gets cultured.
Have you watched any Teepa Snow videos on how to deal with dementia patients? She has great techniques!
You really need to be more specific. Of course it is not right. What is his physical situation? Where does he live? If you give ultimatums will he even understand them? Has this been a pattern for many years?
It probably would be best if you didn't live together if you even do and if you do can he be placed in a facility? Just so many unknown variables.
What is your definition of "I have to stand up for myself". No one needs to live with abuse. Are you speaking of verbal or physical abuse. More information will get you better opinions. Wishing you the best.
After a parent reaches an advanced age, all past conflicts should be left behind. They're are affected by so many issues that their personality can become difficult to handle. Consider them sick people and do not take personally any offenses. Since you're the younger an more stable person, you should be the one to use the best judgement for dealing with a cranky old person.
If he's living with you, he presumably has no money so start the medicaid application now. Or wait until you can er dump him.
If you are living with him, often inheritance is a concern. I don't blame people for wanting to hang in there for these reasons but with every year the situation becomes more unbearable. Plus, the elder will usually have a better selection with private pay
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I am caring for my father Bob, who is 95 years old, living at home with age-related decline, depression, hearing loss, and mobility problems.
About Me:
Daughter 27 my mom is the main caregiver but I work to keep the house that my dad wants to pass in and it isn’t cheap.
*****************************
Why are YOU working to 'keep the house that your dad wants to pass in' that isn't cheap??? His house is HIS responsibility, not yours. Furthermore, your mother is his primary caregiver, dad doesn't respect you, forcing you to 'stand up for yourself' all the while you're breaking your back to PAY for HIS house?
What's wrong with this entire picture????
Nothing seems 'okay' about any of this. You need to remove yourself from an abusive situation, stop paying for your parents' home, and set down some boundaries about what you will and will not do for them. All elders want the fantasy of 'aging in place' but when the reality means their CHILD is breaking HER back to make that reality happen, that's when things have to be reevaluated.
The house can be sold to finance your parent's lives in Assisted Living so they're paying their own way in life. Or, they can downsize into a smaller home that's affordable WITHOUT your help, and hire caregivers to come in to help dad out. That lets you off the hook for the financial burden AND for the disrespect being dished out.
We all 'want' things to be a certain way in life but it's unrealistic to expect those wants to work out. I 'want' to win the lottery, too, but chances are I won't. Tough luck for me, huh? Means I have to live within MY means, whether I like it or not w/o relying on my children to bail me out.
It's time you rethink this entire situation you're allowing to happen and start looking out for YOURSELF here. It's okay to help your parents out, within limits, as long as it's not killing YOU in the process, either financially, mentally or both.
Good luck!
No you are not wrong in sticking up for yourself. Its how you go about it. If its screaming matches, that is not good. No one should put up with any type of abuse. And those doing the abusing need to know you won't tolerate it. You are an adult and as such deserve respect. At 95 Dad needs you more than you need him. If he is holding the house over your head, don't allow this. There are many posts on this forum where a child is promised something to do the care. Only to find out, it was never put in the Will or in writing.
You have to set up boundries for you. What you will and will not do and what you will and will not tolerate. When Dad starts with his abuse, walk out. You may also want to remind him that but for you he may lose the house. If you can upkeep his house, then you can find a place of your own. Then he would need to sell and downsize for he and Mom.
There is a book called Boundries by Townsend and Cloud my daughter enjoyed it as did members of the forum. Also look up the "grey rock method". You maybe able to use this.
Yell at him? No, that's verbal abuse. And you certainly can't hit him.
You can walk out of the room if he becomes verbally abusive to you. If he becomes physical with you, I would call 911 and have him taken to the hospital.
UTI (urinary tract infections) can cause behavioral symptoms in elders. They can also turn into sepsis very quickly, so if you see a change in his behavior for the worse, get in touch with his doc right away and make sure that his urine gets cultured.
Have you watched any Teepa Snow videos on how to deal with dementia patients? She has great techniques!
It probably would be best if you didn't live together if you even do and if you do can he be placed in a facility? Just so many unknown variables.
No one needs to live with abuse. Are you speaking of verbal or physical abuse.
More information will get you better opinions. Wishing you the best.
If you are living with him, often inheritance is a concern. I don't blame people for wanting to hang in there for these reasons but with every year the situation becomes more unbearable. Plus, the elder will usually have a better selection with private pay