I cut ties with my verbally abusive mother 2 years ago. My father died 6 months ago, and we had to reestablish a bit of a relationship to handle to his end-of-life care. When he passed, she accused me of outlandish offenses, like saying that Dad didn't like the color green during the funeral planning which "destroyed" her. She also accused me of breaking into her house and vandalizing it. Before I cut ties with her 2 years ago, I tried desperately to get her help for obvious mental health issues but due to doctor-patient confidentiality, I do not know if she has a diagnosis or not, if she is being treated for mental illness, etc. I received a call today from a woman she has harassed for 3 years by accusing her of having an affair with my father and hacking her computers, phones, etc. In fact, my mother has changed her phone number and internet accounts numerous times in the past 3 years because of the alleged hacking. With the phone call today, I found out that my mom sent the accused woman a box of chocolates with a threatening note, has called her boss, her husband, her husband's boss and various relatives to threaten and slander the woman. The accused woman called to ask me to help and get my mom to stop these things. I do NOT know what to do. I feel like by not getting involved I am allowing my mom to be a danger to herself (in that she is setting herself up for arrest or law suit) and potentially others (the woman is scared, had the chocolates tested, and has involved the police), yet I cannot force her to get help and only seem to get thrown under the bus and further abused when I do try to help her. If the claims against my mom are true, she could be headed toward arrest and/or law suits against her. I don't want to see her in jail or to lose everything she owns. Should I try to convince her to get help or should I stay out of it and let the chips fall where they may?
In your shoes, I would call Adult Protective Services, the Area Agency on Aging and the local police department and report her as a person who is in need of protection and supervision. Follow up these phone calls with certified letters.
Do you know who her doctor is? I would also report these incidents to her doctor, again, in writing, certified mail, with a return receipt.
You are NOT responsible for sorting your mother's mental illness. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
I don't know who her doctor is. She changes doctors like most people change shoes, usually when they get close to a diagnosis.
Some police departments have units set up to deal with "community policing" issues. A joint visit would indicate that the person claiming the harassment is not simply a disgruntled neighbor.
Wow, this stirs up a lot of memories for me. I'm going back about five years...
I mentioned somewhere here recently that my mom was causing havoc in the church and breaking off ties with people constantly. It was similar to what you are describing, and so embarrassing. But nothing illegal.
Yes,paranoid in the extreme. I always believed this was a reaction to the memory loss. anyway,among other things, my mom receives a notice form California about skin care (we are in PA) and it is packaged to look like a hand written note. My mom was sure that a woman form the church was sending this to her as an insult. Naturally, I had no idea what she was talking about and, then, sure enough, after she had been in AL about three months one of these innocent ads came in the mail. I couldn't believe it.
For about three years my husband and I had to listen while my mom told us that this same woman was telling everyone in town that my mother (then 85) was having an affair with a married man. It never stopped.
She had the sweetest little old friend who brought her chicken soup when she was sick. The whole time my mother knew her my mother told everyone that this sweet little old woman was a whore.
Does any of this sound familiar? And my mom was never like this in the past. So sad. But, and maybe it helps to know this,it is over now. My mom's memory has slipped to the point that she can't remember her grievances and--MOST IMPORTANTLY--she has the right meds. The paranloia went away like a mild headache. Amazing.
Best of luck to you.
I understand your situation and it is truly not an easy one. Both physically and emotionally you and your mother are in a situation that is possibly unfixable. However, there maybe a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Contact your local Adult Protective Services and ask them to look into the situation. (They can do this without using your name or relationship to your mother.) Provide them with the information you have including medical professionals names and contact information. Then allow them to do their work. This may be the most difficult of actions to take (allowing them to do their work).
I realize your mother seems to have a history of this kind of behavior; it is also very possible she is reacting to a grief and loss situation (the death of your father). Everyone grieves differently and it is important to get the services of a professional to help with this. Some people never get over the loss of a spouse. And likewise some people never get over the loss of a parent. Be sure you are giving yourself the time and work so you are working through your father’s death. It would be very difficult to do the kind of work necessary should you are constantly being pulled off target by your mother.
You did not say if you have siblings. If you do have brothers and/or sisters this can be a focal point for the group to gravitate to and put family ties to good use. Although no two people are at the same place in the grieving process it would be a step to reconciling the family unit if all could pull together for your mother.
Answer to your original question; If my abusive mother is a danger to herself or others, should I get involved or continue to maintain boundaries? To answer your question it is important to direct your concerns to the professionals. Most people with mental illness do not heal without professional help and may still not heal if they are not willing to do the work. That being said, a professional will possibly be able to help you set up some boundaries that now apply (there is a difference in the family dynamics since your father’s death). There is much work to be done and I can tell you are feeling the strain of not only the loss of your father but also your mother’s behavior. It is important to maintain your physical and mental health, as at sometime in the future you will need to be present for your family. Keep a journal and look at it often for reassurance and validation.
She has already put herself in a position to be sued for slander and defamation, and by using the US Mail, there may be other charges brought against her as well.
You're getting pulled into a toxic ring of insanity here. I would urge the adjudged woman to hire a lawyer to put an end to your mother's tyrannical bullying. Also, she needs to get a restraining order against your mom. As painful as this is, your mother is clearly mentally ill and I would continue to maintain the boundaries that you created two years ago.
The fact that the woman has spent money analysing the chocolate for poison means that defending herself against your mom has already become a financial burden to her. When your mother finds out that you are united against her, she will probably turn her I ire to you. It's a no-win situation when someone is that mentally ill. I wish you luck as you navigate this difficult situation.
A boundary you might consider is telling your mom that you'll be in her life after she seeks the appropriate help and medication. Find support groups if possible. Best to you-
Reports to local entities, can help create a paper trail, which can get her helped.
These include:
1. Write a 1-page letter, with one-liners describing your Mom's behaviors over time. Send this, or submit it in person, to her Doc's office, and request it be included in Mom's medical file.
Include that you have had to maintain a safe distance from your Mom, due to her behaviors being increasingly harmful towards you. Describe why her behaviors are harmful to you, as briefly as possible, yet stating facts.
Describe what behaviors she has, which might endanger herself [like substance abuse, or walking the streets at night, or hoarding filth, or past suicide attempts or threats to others or to herself, etc.]
2. Call Police or Sheriff's office to request 'wellness-checks' on her; her behaviors might endanger herself or others. Include that she has mental illness issues, and whether she takes meds for those. They go to her house, check up on her circumstances, and report on what they see/hear. This starts a paper trail of reports, with her name on them, which indicates a possible problem that needs monitoring, and can be matched up with anyone else's reports about her harassing them or otherwise causing harm.
3. Ask her local Area Agency on Aging what helps are available, which someone else might institute for helping Mom, because you do not feel safe trying to help her.
4. Report to APS: she is a danger to herself or others. Describe specifically how/what/to who, how often, and if there are known triggers to behaviors. Tell if she's supposed to be on meds to help control her behaviors, or if she uses alcohol or other drugs, which might make behaviors worse. OR, if she avoids medical help, when she might be having infections that can cause bad behaviors. Voice your full concerns. Let APS know she needs help and monitoring, as her behaviors are causing harm to others [describe what that neighbor reported when trying to enlist your help]. You might need to give APS the name and contact information of the neighbor who asked for your help. Also, any other names and contact information for people she's tried to harm. You can also tell that neighbor to report her to police and/or APS.
You do not have to give your name. But since you have had to set strict limits on her access to you, you might report her as one who has harmed you [and give specifics of how].
5. Report her to the local mental health clinics, describe behaviors; they might already have records.
CLUEs: Physical harm, especially with photos to prove it, is most helpful.
Diaries or calendars of daily notes, are admissible in court to help substantiate your case. It's MUCH harder to prove emotional abuse. Walking away from the abuser, which is essentially what you did 2 years ago, might be one of the best demonstrations that there was a serious problem with verbal/emotional abuse.
Paper trails of records of reports to/from police, APS, businesses, Docs, social groups she hangs out with, etc., can eventually help substantiate her need for help. Has she been kicked off the Senior bus? etc.
WARNING: APS told me they could only take a report if the caregiver was abusing the elder. They refused to take a report that the elder was abusing the caregiver, even with photos.
I don't know if that is what they are supposed to do, but it sure left me in danger of being further harmed. By the time another relative moved Mom out of our home, I was literally desperate enough to lie like a rug and report myself to them, just so they would remove her from our house.
You might want to ask APS, FIRST, if they will take report of an elder abusing their caregiver. But, you are not her caregiver. So, you might advise that if she gets a caregiver, she might try to ruin them with her abusive behaviors.
It's very hard to set limits on your own Mom, even harder to keep distance.
We always yearn for the Mom or Dad we never had, and fool ourselves into gradually thinking things might be better, now that some time has passed.
But when a parent is mentally ill, they often do not "get better" for long, even with medications; they only have periods of relative "better"; the kids get stuck in the grinder when a mentally ill parent disappears down their rabbit holes, repeatedly. Just keep holding your safe distance. When you doubt that, hug yourself and talk nice to yourself. It's OK to love someone from that safe distance.
You cannot change how she is.
You can only work on yourself; that is your gift to the world: be your best you.
Avoid guilt-tripping, those are part of the problem, not the solution.
Keep talking with people. Find support groups that work for you, including here. {{hugs!}}
Adult Protective Services interviewed my (stage 4 Alzheimer's) mother twice after she claimed to her friends that I "picked her up, threw her on the floor and stole her pain meds." I knew nothing about the charge and the funny thing is that they never called me to inform me of their visit or ruling. They could tell she had dementia. I wound up calling them after getting a call from the Senior Apt. manager.
What I have found out is that human "rights" are taken very seriously and I think sometimes goes too far. Your mom sounds like she needs a mental health evaluation but, unless she is a threat to herself or others or is in imminent mental danger, no one can force her to do so. Do not be surprised if all the government agencies do is document her actions (possibly to use at a later date). Probably the most that will happen is a restraining order against her to the other lady. If she violates that, the law has to take legal action.
If I were you, I would support the other lady if you can but stay out of it with your mother. If she is in trouble with the law, they may have her mentally evaluated to find the cause of her behavior. Then you'll know what's going on. I'm sure she would benefit from therapy and medications, whenever she gets evaluated. At this point you probably won't get her cooperation. I'm sorry for you in this difficult situation.
Keep written records and a paper trail.
Get the help and advice of a good elder affairs lawyer
I am going to repeat what Chimonger said for emphasis.
It's very hard to set limits on your own Mom, even harder to keep distance.
We always yearn for the Mom or Dad we never had, and fool ourselves into gradually thinking things might be better, now that some time has passed.
But when a parent is mentally ill, they often do not "get better" for long, even with medications; they only have periods of relative "better"; the kids get stuck in the grinder when a mentally ill parent disappears down their rabbit holes, repeatedly. Just keep holding your safe distance. When you doubt that, hug yourself and talk nice to yourself. It's OK to love someone from that safe distance.
You cannot change how she is.
You can only work on yourself; that is your gift to the world: be your best you.
Avoid guilt-tripping, those are part of the problem, not the solution.
Keep talking with people. Find support groups that work for you, including here. {{hugs!}}