Actually got Mom to visit some Independent/Assisted living places this week. We've seen four, and while she's still not really wanting to move, I had to really work on my poker face when one of the complaints was all the "old people" here. She's 89, so not exactly young, but doesnt use a walker or cane, which seems to bother her when she sees residents moving around with one. Also really worried about diseases.
Anyway, the main reason she needs to move out of her home ( living alone in a house 200 miles away from me in a small town) is her mixed dementia diagnosis (vascular/Alzheimer's). Now in the moment, she's ok. She can get herself dressed, she can bathe herself, she can eat by herself. She knows her family and friends when she sees them.
But she has been told no more driving (both by doctor and a driving evaluation). She gets overwhelmed by tasks that require multiple steps, I had to help her fill out some Christmas cards for 4 grandkids, and it was something that took a hour to do. I've taken over bill paying, because bill's were past due,because she would get them, and set them down, and sometimes things would get placed on top and then the bill was forgotten.
She was hospitalized this fall, due to low blood count and iron, which after ruling everything else out was probably due to her not eating well or forgetting to eat, she will snack on junk food, but not cook anymore, and maybe not taking meds correctly.
She can't remember how to operate the microwave, I've had to hand hold her over the phone to operate washing machine. Sometimes even the TV remote is problematic
She can operate her cell phone, but just barely.
Sometimes she gets confused as to names of people and things especially when tired. Had to remind her today what city she's in.
What she needs is someone to bring her her medications
Someone to check on her in the morning. Sometimes so confused when she wakes up, " I dont know what I'm doing". Maybe to tell her, hey get dressed and come eat, here's what's happening today.
Meals readily available, with her favorite snacks and drinks available in her room, maybe someone to notice if she is not coming to meal times
Light housekeeping, someone to help with laundry
Interaction with more people than mostly me
Fall monitor
I intend to be present multiple days a week, and as long as she physically and mentally able to take her with me to activities like plays or grand kid events, family dinner, church. But I need time for me too, to workout, read, take a vacation,. I have adult kids that will visit also.
I keep hearing she needs to need help with 2 or more ADLs to qualify for assisted living, would the above qualify?
She doesnt need memory unit yet, but its probably only a matter of time, significant changes over the last year.
I have med and financial POA, with the dementia diagnosis, would I have to sign lease agreements?
Also what is a reasonable community fee prior to move in ? We've been quoted any where from 1500 to equal one month rent.
There are ADLs and then there are IADLs (instrumental activities of daily living). So, yes, your mom can feed herself, but she needs help with planning and executing food preparation. She can dress herself but needs help with maintained her wardrobe (washing clothes).
It sounds like for now, your mother would do well in Independent Living with an add on Medication Management service if that's available.
My mom was resistent to moving to IL. Complained about folks who didn't use walkers properly, who didnt "speak up" and who were less able than she was. It was all part and parcel of a lifelong need to be "better than" other folks. We ignored what she said (yes, the poker face. Never argue with someone with dementia).
We created a nice fiction that she needed to move to IL for the winter months because she would become agitated when a storm was predicted. My brothers and I maintained that it had gotten dangerous for us to try to get to her isolated suburban home during blizzards. We really left her no choice. We said "no, mom, we can't do that anymore".
By the time Spring came along, she had made new friends and was engrossed in the stock market club and chair yoga and wanted to stay.
One month rent "community" fee was pretty standard in Westchester, NY.
When I was touring assisted living facilities I was told that an assessment is done prior to being accepted. Once accepted they do everything that they can to accommodate their needs.
The facilities I looked at had a check list of what services were needed for the residents and the additional fees for those services.
Fees beforehand varied according to the facility.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
When you choose a place an initial assessment will be done by their own doctor or your Mother's, to assess need and appropriateness of placement. Wishing you luck. Hoping you will update us as you make this journey with your Mom.
We started a campaign of pointing out to her what was wrong with her living situation.
"Gee, mom, so sad that there are no sidewalks here. Not safe for you to walk".
"Terrible that your help can't get here by public transportation. If there's a storm, I hope she's here already and can stay over".
"Sad that there's no one home in the neighborhood during the day".
"The local drugstore doesnt deliver? Boy, that really sucks".
And on and on and on. And no, we didn't "step up". We made it clear to mom that her emergencies were going to be owned by her, not by us.
We didn't argue or try to convince her. We just made it untenable for her to be in that house. And when neighbors asked what we were doing, we included them in the "plan" so that they got on message as well.
But still a long way from accepting the move. "I wont know anyone". Come to find out, she wrote the check and agreed to the depisit because she got confused and thought she was in her hometown!
But Ive got 30 days to make it happen.
I have an apt with the social worker on her Memory Care team, and then my mom and I have an appt together with her neurologist and the socual worker at the end of the month. Hopefully we can convince her that this needs to happen.
None of them ever want to leave their homes, and it is very understandable.
I'm sure we will all be the same way. A doctor will almost always sign off on the paperwork, especially for an elderly person who is showing cognitive decline and is in danger of leaving the stove on or needing help remembering to take meds.
It is amazing to watch them practically kicking and screaming when they are taken to AL, and then smiling and having lunch with new friends they've made just a few weeks later.
My aunt was like this. She now thrives there. She attends weekly Bible study, plays bingo, Wii bowling, morning exercise class, and has a group of friends with whom she eats all her meals. She gets up early and gets herself to the dining room for breakfast. When she was at home, she dragged herself into the kitchen, attempted to cook breakfast, frequently left the stove turned on, went back to bed for hours, left dirty dishes piled high all over the kitchen, forgot her meds, etc.
Sometimes a little white lie does the trick.