My 82 yo mom is quickly losing her functions.
No more self-transfer from bed to chair without supervision, obviously ramifications for toileting, etc. No strength in her legs any longer. This means I'm in her company way more recently than usual. Same old story, she's mean, neurotic and absolutely laser focused on being "in charge" of her situation. I need some strategies for overcoming her natural resistance to me having more formal authority i.e. me making a reasonable schedule per her scheduled needs, not even speaking to the emergency needs help to get up or down or whatever. I'm talking about when she needs help to or from her bed etc...I'm not going to be available for transfers except for toileting between 10PM and 6AM. Want to get up to watch TV in the other room? I won't be there to help except in emergencies and for toileting. What is your experience introducing boundaries such as this? My Mom has gone crazy again saying I "never help" or I "stress her out" b/c I have introduced a black and white care plan that has her without help for anything but toileting between 10 at night and 6 in the morning. You all must have better ways of introducing these boundaries than having knockdown drag out fights over reasonable standards
OK LMKWYT. Thank you all again, invaluable support here.
It doesn’t sound like your mom should be alone. She isn’t able to care for herself.
Have you considered facility care? Then you can visit at your convenience as her daughter instead of her caregiver.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
Cover909
I'm not sure I follow completely..
I do understand wanting off duty time - from 10pm to 6am sounds very reasonable to preserve your sleep.
You want your elderly Mother, with mobility & other issues to understand that & not need anything in that time (besides toileting)?
Are your expectations realistic? 🤔
There are two realistic and practical answers to your situation with your mother.
The first is placement in a managed care facility. This is the one I advise you to go with. She is not going to improve. She is going to get weaker, more demanding and meaner as she requires more assistance and care.
The second is that you can hire a caregiver to work the 10pm to 6am shift so you don't have to.
In truth, I think sp196902 is right about not wrecking your life to take care of a miserable and cruel woman.
Don't light yourself of fire to keep someone else warm.
I don't want to stay up until 11pm or get up at 4:30am to somehow appease my Mother's lack of impulse control...
That is in fact what I'm battling her about. She wants to continue on in whichever manner she pleases. If she isn't tired she wants to stay up. If she wakes early she wants brekky at 5am...she also needs someone to supervise her transfers. I'm thinking an overnight nurse may well work here...the choices are an overnight nurse, staying in bed for 8 hrs straight, or admittance to a SNF.
The issue with all 3 of those choices is they aren't my Mom's preferences, and the choices seem limited.
So she automatically steps back in an attempt to realign the conversation but the issue remains.
I'm not going to provide 24 hr around the clock concierge service to her even if she loses her ability to transfer. I suppose we could adjust the 8 hours I'm going to sleep to 9 to 5 or 11 to 7 but that issue is going to remain~I need 8 uninterrupted hours and she is beginning to cross that boundary.
I need to make her understand the 3 choices.
She could of course not cooperate and then the whole thing is out of my hands.
I'd just like to see this through to the best possible outcome.
I just cant be up at 11 then 5:30///blame it on my failings is fine. I just cant...
Your mother will never consistently keep the schedule you want and you know it.
You are going to try and do this for a year or more and then by the time you are so burned out you will then decide to place her but at what cost to your mental and physical health?
Time to rip off the band aid and get her out of your home and into a facility where she belongs.
Sleep is more vital to me than food at this age (64). My mother (96) has just recently begun to sleep through the night, or only get up one time to toilet. Many days I've been so exhausted I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.
Role reversal is definitely a transition. I like to say that caregiving is not a democracy, it's a dictatorship.
I'm guessing she might be more interested in controlling you or having you at her beck and call, but if she truly wants to stay in her home, she might be able to regain some mobility through PT.
You are in charge of the outcome. Do not argue. Just keep asking yes or no. And stick with it. If she becomes abusive, say ‘see you later’. Don’t stick around for mistreatment, if you do, it will continue.
Hard to do, yes. But for your own sanity, stick w it. Unfortunately you are raising a teenage girl. Blessings.
Mom argued and fought every single decision but she got used to the help. She even allowed the evening caregiver to shower/sponge her.
It was worth every penny! Many agencies do offer split shifts with a minimum of 4 hrs. The morning caregiver was an agency cna. The evening person was private from a church.
My sister and I killed ourselves trying to make her happy. She never acknowledged any efforts so don't look for that.
Many tasks can be completed online like grocery shopping & bill pay. Meals can be delivered. I even had a visiting physician for her.
If she can not stand up and walk
She should not be living alone.
In an emergency how would she get out of the house?
It appears that she is no longer safe to remain in her home alone.
That leaves a few options. (several of them not great ones.)
1 She moves in with you,. That sounds like the worst option.
2 You move in with her.. That sounds just as bad as the first one.
3. A caregiver moves in with her or you get several for 24/7 care.
4 She goes into a facility that will meet her care needs. That could be Skilled Nursing, Memory Care if she has dementia or Assisted Living (and at this point I do not think AL would accept her)
Now if mom is currently living with you and you can no longer SAFELY care for her then please read above for Number 3 and 4.
Get a Geriatric Psychiatrist to assess her personality disorder(s) and seek medications that can help her keep YOU in her life, just don't live with her. You can't fix her personality disorder(s), but the psychiatrist can help you/her with that issue.
Take a nice long vacation at a wellness resort and start doing things that make YOU happy and fulfilled........hobbies, volunteer work, meditation or ?
Back away, let her hire a caregiver or go into AL, sounds like you are living with her, if so, it may be time to leave or move her out if she is living with you.
I really do not understand when a person has such dedication to a toxic person, family or not.
Take back your power, your life.
She has been this way since the 1970's at least.
She doesn't cooperate unless it is what she wants.
I'm her only support short of doordash or her healthcare team.
Now that she needs me in the house everyday for extended periods her old behaviors are coming back.
She believes every whim, every single thing she wants is the priority. Always has.
Driving me nuts...
I am not particularly bothered by it yet but in time I will.
If she won't cooperate she is ready for SNF
if she does cooperate I'm ready for professional help.
We are looking for a 2 hr helper in the mornings and a 2 hr helper in the evening.
Will report results of that soon
Thank you all for the help...
DO NOT cater to her. DO NOT go running on her every whim and demand.
Stop doing that today because the more you enable her behavior, the worse and more demanding it will get.
Show her a little tough love because like so many pushy and entitled seniors she needs it.
There is no strategizing here. You do what you need to do.
As you say: "she's mean, neurotic and absolutely laser focused on being "in charge" of her situation." THIS IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
You need to focus on doing what she needs for as optimal health care / well being as possible. She bit--es and complains throughout all the changes ... and then will continue. She won't be a happy camper.
Boundary setting, I believe, is long gone. You simple tell her "this is what we are doing. And do it. If you do not make any changes, you will be worn out in no time and that will continue, and you may feel like - or have - a kind of breakdown. No one can continue on like this.
Do not forget. YOU deserve a life, too.
Be sure to have all the legalities in order so you can make any and all necessary arrangements. And, if she is still legally responsible for herself, you step aside and let her do as she wishes. You cannot control her. You can only change yourself and how you relate to her - and be clear on the decisions you make - to enforce them.
Take some time out: 2 hours - 1/2 day - 1-2 days? Go smell the roses.
You need a break.
While these changes (will not/) might NOT be easy, they are necessary.
Realizing that she won't be happy or content no matter what. Perhaps the best you could do is see if she can be on meds to keep her more calmed down (which will help you too).
Gena / Touch Matters
I suggest you talk to her doctor or get her an appointment. There are medications that can help her to relax and feel less fear. It may take some time to find the right medication(s), dosages, and timing but it is worth the effort. Your caregiving efforts will become easier.